- Joined
- Sep 10, 2018
- Messages
- 87
Years ago, my Tinder profile used to explicitly say that I am polyamorous, but that account got banned because Tinder had (still has?) a system where people could automatically get banned if enough people report them for any reason. I likely got reported by a bunch of polyphobic people and got caught in a resulting auto-ban, just like how a lot of trans people got banned because they kept getting reported by transphobic people.
There also seems to be some kind of epidemic in my area where men who cheat in their monogamous relationships keep misusing the term "polyamory" in an attempt to justify their unethical behavior. That has unfortunately bred a lot of negative association with that word for many women in the general population here.
My profile on the new account I set up just says "poly" and I haven't had any issues like before, probably because a lot of polyphobic people might not know what that means exactly.
Recently I lucked out and matched with a really nice HB who happened to be very interested in the idea of polyamory. I super-liked her without knowing she was likely poly. On paper, she seemed to fit everything on my checklist that I was looking for: didn't mind that I was already in a relationship, very physically attractive, T&A for days, has a lot of detailed thoughts about polyamory, really open-minded, bisexual inclinations, sweet personality, good sense of humor, kinda similar music tastes, and doesn't seem to mind my shortcomings at all (I'm short and poor lol). She's also smart, which isn't necessarily something I look for, but it's impressive that she's got all that AND a double major plus a minor. I later learned that she also does some sexy adult modeling as well as photo editing for sexy modeling shoots, which was also something I liked. The only potential downside was that her English isn't that great (she's Korean), and my Korean isn't that great, so there's a little bit of a language barrier.
After we matched, we had some nice conversation where she expressed a lot of interest in discussing polyamory. It seemed like she didn't have anyone to talk to about it and didn't know any other polyamorous people. I have translated all the Korean into English in the following:
Me: hello (her username) I am Mike what's your name?
Her: Call me by (username) for now! I was curious about polyamory because I haven't had the chance to talk about it with anyone else
Me: I am happy to talk about polyamory
but my Korean might not be fluent enough to explain every thought about it
Her: You can speak in English! Is it OK if I use Korean? I can understand English to a certain extent but I'm still not good at speaking it.
Me: Perfect! Good we can understand each other. Sometimes I might ask you if you use a hard word. Have you ever been in love with more than one person before?
Her: Yes, I thought something like polyamory was ideal even before I ever experienced love myself. But most people aren't like that so I only had "normal" relationships. I think love shouldn't be about possession.
Me: I agree with you 100%
Her: I think love is getting to know a person deeply and connecting emotionally! I'm not asexual but I think sex is just a side thing, like something that can just happen during that process. So, I was also interested in same-sex relationships, but I just never had the opportunity haha
Me: I guess we think the same way in a lot of ways. We should have a date and see what happens. Even if we don't have perfect chemistry we should still be friends.
* I found that it's best to transition to talking about meeting up as soon as you feel like there's some excitement or pumped BT on their end. The bit about being friends if there isn't perfect chemistry is useful to show a lack of desperation, as well as suggesting that there is already some kind of rapport or connection.
Her: Then Mike study Korean and I study English XD
Me: language exchange date lol
Her: lol can you understand Korean in person?
Me: Yes. Maybe.
Her: Would you like to eat something with cilantro? lol * My profile mentions that I like cilantro
Me: You like cilantro, too? I think Korean people who like cilantro are more open-minded XD
Her: Love it so much. lol But liking or disliking cilantro is a matter of genetics! did you know?
Me: ah yes i heard some people have a gene that makes cilantro taste like soap. what are you doing tonight?
* Trying to meet sooner is better than trying to meet later. Each day that passes after matching decreases the chance of meeting.
Her: hmmm tonight I have to watch (show or movie name) on Netflix. It's a bit dark but it's fun!
Me: but you can watch netflix anytime
Her: I promised to my friend a month ago that I would watch this with her today XD XD
Me: woooow I guess your schedule is packed and it's hard to meet you
Her: lol why
Me: are we meeting next month? lol
Her: I'm super J (MBTI) and my schedule is really packed... lol But maybe next week? maybe
Me: (my phone number) call me right now
Her: :O
I have noticed that, the hotter the girl, the less likely she's used to texting and the more likely she's used to phone calls. Getting girls on the phone can be vital step. Over the phone we have some banter, flirt a little, and set up a fixed date to meet a week or so after. We also connected on instagram.
Between that time and the day of our scheduled first date, I texted her short messages intermittently to get a gauge on her interest level and potential to flake, but it didn't look good. She didn't reply to anything. When I tried calling on the day we were supposed to meet, the number no longer existed.
Looking back at all our past conversations, my profile, her profile, I couldn't find any reason for her to suddenly feel turned off by anything from my side. I predicted that she would still want to meet and talk about polyamory even if she lost interest in me as a prospective romantic/sexual partner. I thought it was very likely that her sudden ghosting was from a problem on her side. My intuition was telling me that she probably had a stalker and she had to change her number, and was probably dealing with all that drama. Girls that hot have that happen to them fairly often, after all.
It turns out my intuition was spot on. About a day after, she replies to my DM on instagram.
Me: changed phone number?
Her: Yes sorry to reply late. (phone number) this is my new number! I have a problem that will make it difficult for me to meet people for a while. Thank you for contacting me and I'm so sorry about that Can I see you when my problems are solved and I'm okay? I really want to talk about poly with you!
Me: Yes of course. I can wait as long as you need. But feel free to talk to me about your problems if you ever need someone to listen. I am a good listener
Her: TY mike (fire emoji)
Some days later, we get to DMing a bit again and I called her mid-convo. I build up some more rapport through conversation and she feels comfortable enough to tell me the full story. Long story short, her crazy ex-boyfriend called the police and told them that she was trying to kill herself (a lie) just so they can break down her door and he can see her face again. Going through crazy shit like that, I'm surprised she still wanted to meet so soon. If I were in her shoes I probably would have sworn off dating for a much longer time. During the call we arrange for a dinner date the following Sunday.
We finally meet near the restaurant we planned to go to, and there is immediately some good rapport. I greeted her with a hug, she accidentally stepped on my shoe, and I jokingly say that the date is canceled because I need to go to the hospital now. She's laughing and we're walking arm-in-arm to the restaurant.
There was some technical issue on Tinder that displayed her age incorrectly, so I asked her about that and jokingly accused her of being a scammer. These kinds of jokes are useful for first dates you meet from online dating so that it kind of disarms any potential fear she may have of you being dangerous.
When we get to the restaurant, I get some social proof that I didn't plan for. I recognize the server - he used to be a bartender at a bar I frequented before, but I guess he changed workplaces recently. My date gets the impression that I probably know people everywhere in the city, which isn't actually too far from the truth.
We talk about a lot of things over dinner, I tell her that I have a lot of questions for her (showing curiosity is good), and we eventually get to talking about attraction. She says that she always knows if she feels like someone is "just a friend" or if she could feel like there could be something more within the first few seconds of meeting them (and it's not just based on looks for any of you incels that may be reading this - she specifically mentioned confidence at some point). I look her straight in the eye and ask her what she felt about me when we first met outside, but she coyly said that she wasn't going to tell me. I confidently say that my guess is that she actually likes me because, logically, if she felt like I was only going to be "just a friend," she would have already told me by now. She continues to act coy and doesn't confirm anything verbally.
After dinner we head to a bar not too far from my place. We walk either arm-in-arm or hand-in-hand whenever we move to any other places. I didn't get a chance to kino at the restaurant because we were facing each other across a table, but we sit side by side at the bar and do a bunch of little kino here and there. I also get more social proof because I know everyone at the bar. One of the things we discuss is love languages, which she wasn't familiar with. I have her take a love language test online on her phone while I chat with her intermittently about the questions on the test, my own test results, mixed with a little chatting with a friend nearby. I wasn't just awkwardly sitting there in silence as she took the online test lol.
I take her to a second bar even closer to my home. I also know everyone there. I introduce her to a couple of my close friends who happen to be there. We grab a table in the back to get back to our date.
In terms of sexual framing, I brought up threesomes at the restaurant very casually since we talked a bit about polyamory, and I forgot what I did specifically at the first bar but it was just light sexual framing. At this second bar, we got to talking a little bit about BDSM. I show her my BDSM test results and it seems to match up well enough with her own kink preferences. It usually does since I have higher scores in all the categories associated with a more dominant role while most women have higher scores in categories associated with a more submissive role. The sexual framing seems to be working as she ends up taking the initiative to teach me some sexual Korean slang. After a little while at that bar, I tell her, "We don't have to have sex, but I want to take you to my place." She nods her head pretty quickly. No hesitation. You can probably guess what happened after that.
Note the bounces. Going to more locations creates a time distortion - it will feel like the two of you have spent more time together than you actually have. It builds more trust and rapport because you are creating more memories with them.
There also seems to be some kind of epidemic in my area where men who cheat in their monogamous relationships keep misusing the term "polyamory" in an attempt to justify their unethical behavior. That has unfortunately bred a lot of negative association with that word for many women in the general population here.
My profile on the new account I set up just says "poly" and I haven't had any issues like before, probably because a lot of polyphobic people might not know what that means exactly.
Recently I lucked out and matched with a really nice HB who happened to be very interested in the idea of polyamory. I super-liked her without knowing she was likely poly. On paper, she seemed to fit everything on my checklist that I was looking for: didn't mind that I was already in a relationship, very physically attractive, T&A for days, has a lot of detailed thoughts about polyamory, really open-minded, bisexual inclinations, sweet personality, good sense of humor, kinda similar music tastes, and doesn't seem to mind my shortcomings at all (I'm short and poor lol). She's also smart, which isn't necessarily something I look for, but it's impressive that she's got all that AND a double major plus a minor. I later learned that she also does some sexy adult modeling as well as photo editing for sexy modeling shoots, which was also something I liked. The only potential downside was that her English isn't that great (she's Korean), and my Korean isn't that great, so there's a little bit of a language barrier.
After we matched, we had some nice conversation where she expressed a lot of interest in discussing polyamory. It seemed like she didn't have anyone to talk to about it and didn't know any other polyamorous people. I have translated all the Korean into English in the following:
Me: hello (her username) I am Mike what's your name?
Her: Call me by (username) for now! I was curious about polyamory because I haven't had the chance to talk about it with anyone else
Me: I am happy to talk about polyamory
but my Korean might not be fluent enough to explain every thought about it Her: You can speak in English! Is it OK if I use Korean? I can understand English to a certain extent but I'm still not good at speaking it.
Me: Perfect! Good we can understand each other. Sometimes I might ask you if you use a hard word. Have you ever been in love with more than one person before?
Her: Yes, I thought something like polyamory was ideal even before I ever experienced love myself. But most people aren't like that so I only had "normal" relationships. I think love shouldn't be about possession.
Me: I agree with you 100%
Her: I think love is getting to know a person deeply and connecting emotionally! I'm not asexual but I think sex is just a side thing, like something that can just happen during that process. So, I was also interested in same-sex relationships, but I just never had the opportunity haha
Me: I guess we think the same way in a lot of ways. We should have a date and see what happens. Even if we don't have perfect chemistry we should still be friends.
* I found that it's best to transition to talking about meeting up as soon as you feel like there's some excitement or pumped BT on their end. The bit about being friends if there isn't perfect chemistry is useful to show a lack of desperation, as well as suggesting that there is already some kind of rapport or connection.
Her: Then Mike study Korean and I study English XD
Me: language exchange date lol
Her: lol can you understand Korean in person?
Me: Yes. Maybe.
Her: Would you like to eat something with cilantro? lol * My profile mentions that I like cilantro
Me: You like cilantro, too? I think Korean people who like cilantro are more open-minded XD
Her: Love it so much. lol But liking or disliking cilantro is a matter of genetics! did you know?
Me: ah yes i heard some people have a gene that makes cilantro taste like soap. what are you doing tonight?
* Trying to meet sooner is better than trying to meet later. Each day that passes after matching decreases the chance of meeting.
Her: hmmm tonight I have to watch (show or movie name) on Netflix. It's a bit dark but it's fun!
Me: but you can watch netflix anytime
Her: I promised to my friend a month ago that I would watch this with her today XD XD
Me: woooow I guess your schedule is packed and it's hard to meet you
Her: lol why
Me: are we meeting next month? lol
Her: I'm super J (MBTI) and my schedule is really packed... lol But maybe next week? maybe
Me: (my phone number) call me right now
Her: :O
I have noticed that, the hotter the girl, the less likely she's used to texting and the more likely she's used to phone calls. Getting girls on the phone can be vital step. Over the phone we have some banter, flirt a little, and set up a fixed date to meet a week or so after. We also connected on instagram.
Between that time and the day of our scheduled first date, I texted her short messages intermittently to get a gauge on her interest level and potential to flake, but it didn't look good. She didn't reply to anything. When I tried calling on the day we were supposed to meet, the number no longer existed.
Looking back at all our past conversations, my profile, her profile, I couldn't find any reason for her to suddenly feel turned off by anything from my side. I predicted that she would still want to meet and talk about polyamory even if she lost interest in me as a prospective romantic/sexual partner. I thought it was very likely that her sudden ghosting was from a problem on her side. My intuition was telling me that she probably had a stalker and she had to change her number, and was probably dealing with all that drama. Girls that hot have that happen to them fairly often, after all.
It turns out my intuition was spot on. About a day after, she replies to my DM on instagram.
Me: changed phone number?
Her: Yes
sorry to reply late. (phone number) this is my new number! I have a problem that will make it difficult for me to meet people for a while. Thank you for contacting me and I'm so sorry about that Can I see you when my problems are solved and I'm okay? I really want to talk about poly with you!Me: Yes of course. I can wait as long as you need. But feel free to talk to me about your problems if you ever need someone to listen. I am a good listener
Her: TY mike (fire emoji)
Some days later, we get to DMing a bit again and I called her mid-convo. I build up some more rapport through conversation and she feels comfortable enough to tell me the full story. Long story short, her crazy ex-boyfriend called the police and told them that she was trying to kill herself (a lie) just so they can break down her door and he can see her face again. Going through crazy shit like that, I'm surprised she still wanted to meet so soon. If I were in her shoes I probably would have sworn off dating for a much longer time. During the call we arrange for a dinner date the following Sunday.
We finally meet near the restaurant we planned to go to, and there is immediately some good rapport. I greeted her with a hug, she accidentally stepped on my shoe, and I jokingly say that the date is canceled because I need to go to the hospital now. She's laughing and we're walking arm-in-arm to the restaurant.
There was some technical issue on Tinder that displayed her age incorrectly, so I asked her about that and jokingly accused her of being a scammer. These kinds of jokes are useful for first dates you meet from online dating so that it kind of disarms any potential fear she may have of you being dangerous.
When we get to the restaurant, I get some social proof that I didn't plan for. I recognize the server - he used to be a bartender at a bar I frequented before, but I guess he changed workplaces recently. My date gets the impression that I probably know people everywhere in the city, which isn't actually too far from the truth.
We talk about a lot of things over dinner, I tell her that I have a lot of questions for her (showing curiosity is good), and we eventually get to talking about attraction. She says that she always knows if she feels like someone is "just a friend" or if she could feel like there could be something more within the first few seconds of meeting them (and it's not just based on looks for any of you incels that may be reading this - she specifically mentioned confidence at some point). I look her straight in the eye and ask her what she felt about me when we first met outside, but she coyly said that she wasn't going to tell me. I confidently say that my guess is that she actually likes me because, logically, if she felt like I was only going to be "just a friend," she would have already told me by now. She continues to act coy and doesn't confirm anything verbally.
After dinner we head to a bar not too far from my place. We walk either arm-in-arm or hand-in-hand whenever we move to any other places. I didn't get a chance to kino at the restaurant because we were facing each other across a table, but we sit side by side at the bar and do a bunch of little kino here and there. I also get more social proof because I know everyone at the bar. One of the things we discuss is love languages, which she wasn't familiar with. I have her take a love language test online on her phone while I chat with her intermittently about the questions on the test, my own test results, mixed with a little chatting with a friend nearby. I wasn't just awkwardly sitting there in silence as she took the online test lol.
I take her to a second bar even closer to my home. I also know everyone there. I introduce her to a couple of my close friends who happen to be there. We grab a table in the back to get back to our date.
In terms of sexual framing, I brought up threesomes at the restaurant very casually since we talked a bit about polyamory, and I forgot what I did specifically at the first bar but it was just light sexual framing. At this second bar, we got to talking a little bit about BDSM. I show her my BDSM test results and it seems to match up well enough with her own kink preferences. It usually does since I have higher scores in all the categories associated with a more dominant role while most women have higher scores in categories associated with a more submissive role. The sexual framing seems to be working as she ends up taking the initiative to teach me some sexual Korean slang. After a little while at that bar, I tell her, "We don't have to have sex, but I want to take you to my place." She nods her head pretty quickly. No hesitation. You can probably guess what happened after that.
Note the bounces. Going to more locations creates a time distortion - it will feel like the two of you have spent more time together than you actually have. It builds more trust and rapport because you are creating more memories with them.
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