A
Anonymous
Guest
Hello. My name is Devilish. And I believe I can help you, help me, help you.
I don't know where to start, so it'll be from the beginning. Be prepared for a brief life story, which I believe is necessary for a psychological evaluation.
I was born into an upper middle-class family in the suburbs of a medium sized city in the United States. I have one older brother, one younger brother. My parents are together.
Throughout childhood I was a hyper kid. I played with everyone and everything and had plenty of friends; as well as being well liked. I was well liked in school and my church group. To this day, my only girlfriends are from all my elementary years of schooling. Then, around the age of 9, my friend told me about porn. Curious, I looked up pictures of naked women. Mesmerized, I knew I was doing something wrong. For the next 2 years of my life, I lived with extreme guilt. I was still hyper, but it changed into always being nervous. After many sleepless nights in a row, I told my parents, and my guilt continued.
Gradually becoming anti-social because I was always nervous of things, I had a few friends I hung out with. I was still hyper and nervous, but they just called me weird and quirky and still hung out with me. Adding to my nerves, my older brother always had social issues. He has aspergers and would randomly freak out on me and start wailing on me; all I did was accept the abuse and cry/tell my parents, which led to them not liking me as they thought I was causing problems with my brother as he was "fragile".
Around the age of 13, my nerves got the best of me. I never hung out with people, and just started playing computer games. That was my escape from constant nightmares and nerves; just play until I passed out. But even this wasn't truly an escape, as I was guilted by my parents every day for playing them. I had the attention of a few girls (don't tell me how that happened), but never could do anything with them. I was probably attracting them because of my quick wit in the classroom and constant playful bickering with teachers that somehow resulted in them liking me more. But that was about all I got.
Fast forward to 16, and I needed a change. I had tried out for my school soccer team at 14, but was cut from it because I didn't practice and just played games at home. I lived an okay life; but nothing good. I was just surviving. I joined my schools track program. Nothing changed until I finally just fell into complete addiction. This time, it was with running.
I ran myself into injuries and more, but my grit was unmatched. My nervous self of the past became a dry, hardened hull when I was running. This led to many awards in Track & Field for being the hardest worker, but I just didn't have enough experience to compete at the level I wanted to. Finally, things started being okay socially, but I still never hung out with friends; I was the typical nice guy that was sometimes funny. People never invited me to do things, and thus I didn't do much.
Important Part, Present:
After my first year of college, I left with getting involved with one girl the whole time. I met her, moved fast as I have learned from here, but ultimately reached a problem when I got caught in my first situation in truly escalating with a girl, which involved me messing with a fit tennis player while some big breasts that I spent a lot of time on. I was sleeping in her room with her teammate and my roommate, and the farthest we ever got was me fingering her and her rubbing me. Booty called her over the next day, but I had no idea how to escalate and was just too logical about it. We remained friends that slept over with each other sometimes (no sex or kissing), and now it's just a little awkward.
My demons in my mind have been expelled since I started running. But now, I find myself spending every day at home trying to change myself into a man I know I should be; but I can't. I sit around occasionally doing what I know I should be doing, but usually slip into staying up late regretting not doing anything. I don't know how to reignite the same fire of being on the track team and focus it on my entire life. My typical day is as follows:
- Wake up around 11am, get on computer
- 12pm Eat something healthy
- 1pm Do something productive
- 2pm Slip back on computer/play video game
- 4pm Start doing something productive, think myself out of it and back to computer and may masterbate
- Until I fall asleep around 3am I eat unhealthily, watch TV or stay on my computer, and basically waste my life.
I want to change many things, and I know exactly how. My will to change them is just in the pooper at home. I basically end up not changing anything and feeling horrible about myself at the end of the night. I need help with finding my will. I need to force the change where there is absolutely no way that I can avoid it. I need a support group.
While doing track, I willed myself in the beginning to do it because I knew my coach would be mad at me for not coming and not trying my hardest. His pressure made the change forced so that I didn't give up in the beginning. I now realize that this is the only way that I can do everything I want to; I need people that rely on me to do things, and get mad at me for not doing them.
I can promise you guys this; I am going to try my hardest, make a journal, and be 100% honest. I need you guys to make sure that my change is forced. If you would like to help me out, I will remember you forever as a friend who helped me unleash my potential. Here's my plan to force the change:
- Post in a Journal every day on this website about my day. If I don't do what I am supposed to, I need people to get angry at me and tell me I need to get back on track.
- Have some people I can e-mail or PM so that we can constantly encourage each other to reach our goals. If you find yourself not living up to your potential, join me so that we can force the change together.
- List out my goals.
We can do this. No matter what has happened in our lives, we can do it. I ask your help, and will provide help to you so that we keep ourselves on track. I am determined to do this once and for all. And I know I need something to force my change so that my environmental factors MAKE me succeed. Hopefully I can help you to fulfill your dreams, and you can fulfill mine. Thank you for your time; if you have any questions give me a shout out on here. If it's more personal, give me a PM.
I don't know where to start, so it'll be from the beginning. Be prepared for a brief life story, which I believe is necessary for a psychological evaluation.
I was born into an upper middle-class family in the suburbs of a medium sized city in the United States. I have one older brother, one younger brother. My parents are together.
Throughout childhood I was a hyper kid. I played with everyone and everything and had plenty of friends; as well as being well liked. I was well liked in school and my church group. To this day, my only girlfriends are from all my elementary years of schooling. Then, around the age of 9, my friend told me about porn. Curious, I looked up pictures of naked women. Mesmerized, I knew I was doing something wrong. For the next 2 years of my life, I lived with extreme guilt. I was still hyper, but it changed into always being nervous. After many sleepless nights in a row, I told my parents, and my guilt continued.
Gradually becoming anti-social because I was always nervous of things, I had a few friends I hung out with. I was still hyper and nervous, but they just called me weird and quirky and still hung out with me. Adding to my nerves, my older brother always had social issues. He has aspergers and would randomly freak out on me and start wailing on me; all I did was accept the abuse and cry/tell my parents, which led to them not liking me as they thought I was causing problems with my brother as he was "fragile".
Around the age of 13, my nerves got the best of me. I never hung out with people, and just started playing computer games. That was my escape from constant nightmares and nerves; just play until I passed out. But even this wasn't truly an escape, as I was guilted by my parents every day for playing them. I had the attention of a few girls (don't tell me how that happened), but never could do anything with them. I was probably attracting them because of my quick wit in the classroom and constant playful bickering with teachers that somehow resulted in them liking me more. But that was about all I got.
Fast forward to 16, and I needed a change. I had tried out for my school soccer team at 14, but was cut from it because I didn't practice and just played games at home. I lived an okay life; but nothing good. I was just surviving. I joined my schools track program. Nothing changed until I finally just fell into complete addiction. This time, it was with running.
I ran myself into injuries and more, but my grit was unmatched. My nervous self of the past became a dry, hardened hull when I was running. This led to many awards in Track & Field for being the hardest worker, but I just didn't have enough experience to compete at the level I wanted to. Finally, things started being okay socially, but I still never hung out with friends; I was the typical nice guy that was sometimes funny. People never invited me to do things, and thus I didn't do much.
Important Part, Present:
After my first year of college, I left with getting involved with one girl the whole time. I met her, moved fast as I have learned from here, but ultimately reached a problem when I got caught in my first situation in truly escalating with a girl, which involved me messing with a fit tennis player while some big breasts that I spent a lot of time on. I was sleeping in her room with her teammate and my roommate, and the farthest we ever got was me fingering her and her rubbing me. Booty called her over the next day, but I had no idea how to escalate and was just too logical about it. We remained friends that slept over with each other sometimes (no sex or kissing), and now it's just a little awkward.
My demons in my mind have been expelled since I started running. But now, I find myself spending every day at home trying to change myself into a man I know I should be; but I can't. I sit around occasionally doing what I know I should be doing, but usually slip into staying up late regretting not doing anything. I don't know how to reignite the same fire of being on the track team and focus it on my entire life. My typical day is as follows:
- Wake up around 11am, get on computer
- 12pm Eat something healthy
- 1pm Do something productive
- 2pm Slip back on computer/play video game
- 4pm Start doing something productive, think myself out of it and back to computer and may masterbate
- Until I fall asleep around 3am I eat unhealthily, watch TV or stay on my computer, and basically waste my life.
I want to change many things, and I know exactly how. My will to change them is just in the pooper at home. I basically end up not changing anything and feeling horrible about myself at the end of the night. I need help with finding my will. I need to force the change where there is absolutely no way that I can avoid it. I need a support group.
While doing track, I willed myself in the beginning to do it because I knew my coach would be mad at me for not coming and not trying my hardest. His pressure made the change forced so that I didn't give up in the beginning. I now realize that this is the only way that I can do everything I want to; I need people that rely on me to do things, and get mad at me for not doing them.
I can promise you guys this; I am going to try my hardest, make a journal, and be 100% honest. I need you guys to make sure that my change is forced. If you would like to help me out, I will remember you forever as a friend who helped me unleash my potential. Here's my plan to force the change:
- Post in a Journal every day on this website about my day. If I don't do what I am supposed to, I need people to get angry at me and tell me I need to get back on track.
- Have some people I can e-mail or PM so that we can constantly encourage each other to reach our goals. If you find yourself not living up to your potential, join me so that we can force the change together.
- List out my goals.
We can do this. No matter what has happened in our lives, we can do it. I ask your help, and will provide help to you so that we keep ourselves on track. I am determined to do this once and for all. And I know I need something to force my change so that my environmental factors MAKE me succeed. Hopefully I can help you to fulfill your dreams, and you can fulfill mine. Thank you for your time; if you have any questions give me a shout out on here. If it's more personal, give me a PM.
