Reasons people tool you

[Wolfie]

So I have been experiencing point number 1 from this article here. And I would love to have feedback from you guys on how to act in such a situation.

7 Reasons People Will Try to Tool You

People will tool you for a variety of reasons. You don’t belong, you’re a soft target, you’re a threat to a member... and other excuses. Contents 1. You Don't Belong 2. You're a Soft Target 3. The Group's Rejected You 4. You've Stepped Out of Place 5. You're a Threat to a Member 6. Your Girl...

www.girlschase.com

P. S-as I was thinking about this article, I realised that it's hell lot of work for this shit, I realised people are really shitty, and now I am questioning myself, do I need to genuinely play this social shitty game of ranks and status. I think I might be even good without any friends for lifetime, it seems like an extra work which is not worth it and would rather focus on women. So why is it that chase and other writers focus more on this social thing, why not just focus on women and learn some basic shit such as confronting troublesome men and all. It's more like being a people's pleaser. I genuinely can't be like that

 

[Rakehell]

Man noone belongs anywhere. Don’t even feed that monster of “I don’t belong”, they just don’t GET you.

The great thing about not fitting into a group is you probably don’t think they’re that cool either, otherwise you’d have alot in common already and wouldn’t need to feel as though you don’t belong.

Only way to ever get past this in my eyes is to blend in. If you wanna be cool with the nerdy group start wearing glasses and carrying books around.

My point is you shouldn’t care, make yourself a stand up guy who’s so damn cool that anybody who tries to put you down just looks worse by comparison. You don’t even have to acknowledge them. Stand out in a way that is so undeniably attractive that even if you don’t fit in it doesn’t even matter.

 

[ulrich]

I think it would be very useful if you talk about specifics.
What is exactly happening so people make you feel you don’t belong?

Perhaps it’s something that can be worked for your specific situation instead of the generality.

 

[Wolfie]

I think it would be very useful if you talk about specifics.
What is exactly happening so people make you feel you don’t belong?

Perhaps it’s something that can be worked for your specific situation instead of the generality.

I genuinely don't know what's happening everytime I got to any of the social events or join any class I feel being treated like an outcast

 

[ulrich]

Do you feel like an outcast or is people actively making you feel like an outcast?

 

[Wolfie]

Do you feel like an outcast or is people actively making you feel like an outcast?

That's really interesting.... I honestly don't know..... Maybe people are making me feel like an outcast yeah I think that's the one

 

[Sully]

That's really interesting.... I honestly don't know..... Maybe people are making me feel like an outcast yeah I think that's the one

This is vague.
If you talk about some specific situations where you felt like that and give details like what the conversation in the group was about? What you said? How they responded? Etc it will help you in pinning stuff down.

 

[Wolfie]

This is vague.
If you talk about some specific situations where you felt like that and give details like what the conversation in the group was about? What you said? How they responded? Etc it will help you in pinning stuff down.

Sure why not, okay so the first one was a bjj class I joined, two incidents

A) while sorting out the mats no one helped me out

B) I was having trouble lighting a cigarette and the guy I was talking to took my cigarette to lighten and another guy said to him hey don't smoke that (don't smoke my cigarette). Felt like an outcast.


The next was a salsa workshop I joined at first I was struggling a lot and I don't know somehow because I couldn't catch up with other people I was discarded, o
outcasted and no one helped me out and like mentioned in the article I left it way too early and honestly went to other place and drank in sorrow

 

[ulrich]

Mmmhh… that doesn’t sound like tooling. More like indifference.

Tooling is active, is when people do things with the intention of making you look bad.

From your stories, it seems that they are ignoring you which is passive.

Do you consider yourself shy by any chance?

 

[Regal Tiger]

It sounds like you don't carry any real presence wherever you go and that you're carrying around this little 'outcast monster' on your back that people are picking up on in various ways. This makes them want to avoid you.

The reason for that, in my opinion, is that you come into social situations feeling like a low ranking member and that gets projected out into the group and then they treat you like a low value member of the group because that's the energy that is being put out.


But that's just my opinion from the few, vague things said in this thread.


One way to verify if this is the case or not is to ask a few questions about your fundamentals/body language

1) How is your posture? Do you slouch a lot or are you standing up with strong posture?
2) Are you walking like a strong man or are you walking while looking down at your feet a lot?
3) How's your voice? Is it strong and can people clearly hear you or are you mumbling a lot?
4) What's your fashion like? A good rule of thumb for fashion is to dress slightly better than the norm of people there
--> example, if you're at a salsa event a lot of people dress casually, for the most part. They're not wearing formal clothes (at least, in the relatively few places that I've been in). But to stand out in a good way you can put on a button up shirt, roll up the sleeves and wear some sexy jeans. Maybe even get some stylish jewelry that fits your personality (easy to overdo though). If you find that a lot of other men are wearing stuff like this then take it a small step further by throwing on a blazer OR (not both) some dress slacks with a leather jacket. Food for thought

 

[Wolfie]

Mmmhh… that doesn’t sound like tooling. More like indifference.

Tooling is active, is when people do things with the intention of making you look bad.

From your stories, it seems that they are ignoring you which is passive.

Do you consider yourself shy by any chance?

Yup spot on shy, introvert and suffering from social anxiety

 

[Wolfie]

It sounds like you don't carry any real presence wherever you go and that you're carrying around this little 'outcast monster' on your back that people are picking up on in various ways. This makes them want to avoid you.

The reason for that, in my opinion, is that you come into social situations feeling like a low ranking member and that gets projected out into the group and then they treat you like a low value member of the group because that's the energy that is being put out.


But that's just my opinion from the few, vague things said in this thread.


One way to verify if this is the case or not is to ask a few questions about your fundamentals/body language

1) How is your posture? Do you slouch a lot or are you standing up with strong posture?
2) Are you walking like a strong man or are you walking while looking down at your feet a lot?
3) How's your voice? Is it strong and can people clearly hear you or are you mumbling a lot?
4) What's your fashion like? A good rule of thumb for fashion is to dress slightly better than the norm of people there
--> example, if you're at a salsa event a lot of people dress casually, for the most part. They're not wearing formal clothes (at least, in the relatively few places that I've been in). But to stand out in a good way you can put on a button up shirt, roll up the sleeves and wear some sexy jeans. Maybe even get some stylish jewelry that fits your personality (easy to overdo though). If you find that a lot of other men are wearing stuff like this then take it a small step further by throwing on a blazer OR (not both) some dress slacks with a leather jacket. Food for thought

Interesting, yes I agree with the low value vibe, and leaving point 3, everything is in a good shape. So I think I need to work on the low value vibe that's true

 

[Chase]

You have great replies from @uriel and @Regal Tiger here, @Wolfie.

You're overestimating the social importance of things that are occurring here. You're feeling shame due to not knowing how to handle social situations + your own lack of expertise in situations like the cigarette lighting and the salsa dancing. You are probably assuming that since you aren't the best, other people dislike you and will be inclined to reject you.

The truth is no one else is putting 5% of the importance on any of these incidents as you are. You're blowing up their importance in your mind... no one else is forming major impressions of you from this stuff. Even if they actually rejected you once or twice (they didn't) it probably wouldn't be half as big a deal to them as it is to you, and they'd still be likely to be cool with you later if you behaved cool.

None of what you've shared sounds like tooling to me, though. Maybe(?) the guy taking your cigarette was tooling? But did he give it back? If he took it, lit it, took a puff, then returned it, that is actually him being cool (him helping you light it), and simply taking his "payment" (he gets a puff)... more like an act of camaraderie than tooling.

Tooling would be like this:

1. You're sorting out the mats and guys come over and start messing up the sorting you've done, throwing a bunch more mats at you, yelling stuff at you like, "Hey janitor, come sweep up over here next!" Etc.
   
   
2. You're having trouble lighting a cigarette and some guy takes out a cigarette of his own, lights it in your face, puts his lighter away, and says, "Keep trying, newb!" Or he takes the cigarette away from you, sticks it in his pocket, and walks off
   
   
3. You're at salsa class and doing horrible and people start telling you to get out of the way or asking you why you came if you're such a bad dancer

My suggestion: keep putting yourself in these situations, suffer through the stuff that "feels like" you're looking like a rube/idiot, and sooner or later people will reach out to you and treat you in a cool way and you will realize no one is tooling you and you weren't rejected.

Here's another suggestion: if you want something from people, you need to get the courage up to ask.

• Want help sorting the mats? "Hey bro, could you give me a hand with these mats? With two sets of hands it'll go much quicker"
  
  
• Want help lighting a cig? "Hey man, you any good at lighting cigs? Seems I'm all thumbs today"
  
  
• Want help with salsa? "Hey, think you could give me some pointers? You seem like you're pretty good"

People like being asked for help, provided you do it in a cool way.

People like being able to act in prosocial ways. It's satisfying and fun.

Give people a chance to interact with you in positive, prosocial ways and they will enjoy interacting with you.

Chase

 

[Wolfie]

You have great replies from @uriel and @Regal Tiger here, @Wolfie.

You're overestimating the social importance of things that are occurring here. You're feeling shame due to not knowing how to handle social situations + your own lack of expertise in situations like the cigarette lighting and the salsa dancing. You are probably assuming that since you aren't the best, other people dislike you and will be inclined to reject you.

The truth is no one else is putting 5% of the importance on any of these incidents as you are. You're blowing up their importance in your mind... no one else is forming major impressions of you from this stuff. Even if they actually rejected you once or twice (they didn't) it probably wouldn't be half as big a deal to them as it is to you, and they'd still be likely to be cool with you later if you behaved cool.

None of what you've shared sounds like tooling to me, though. Maybe(?) the guy taking your cigarette was tooling? But did he give it back? If he took it, lit it, took a puff, then returned it, that is actually him being cool (him helping you light it), and simply taking his "payment" (he gets a puff)... more like an act of camaraderie than tooling.

Tooling would be like this:

1. You're sorting out the mats and guys come over and start messing up the sorting you've done, throwing a bunch more mats at you, yelling stuff at you like, "Hey janitor, come sweep up over here next!" Etc.
   
   
2. You're having trouble lighting a cigarette and some guy takes out a cigarette of his own, lights it in your face, puts his lighter away, and says, "Keep trying, newb!" Or he takes the cigarette away from you, sticks it in his pocket, and walks off
   
   
3. You're at salsa class and doing horrible and people start telling you to get out of the way or asking you why you came if you're such a bad dancer

My suggestion: keep putting yourself in these situations, suffer through the stuff that "feels like" you're looking like a rube/idiot, and sooner or later people will reach out to you and treat you in a cool way and you will realize no one is tooling you and you weren't rejected.

Here's another suggestion: if you want something from people, you need to get the courage up to ask.

• Want help sorting the mats? "Hey bro, could you give me a hand with these mats? With two sets of hands it'll go much quicker"
  
  
• Want help lighting a cig? "Hey man, you any good at lighting cigs? Seems I'm all thumbs today"
  
  
• Want help with salsa? "Hey, think you could give me some pointers? You seem like you're pretty good"

People like being asked for help, provided you do it in a cool way.

People like being able to act in prosocial ways. It's satisfying and fun.

Give people a chance to interact with you in positive, prosocial ways and they will enjoy interacting with you.

Chase

Thanks a lot Chase means a lot to me.

 

[Wolfie]

You have great replies from @uriel and @Regal Tiger here, @Wolfie.

You're overestimating the social importance of things that are occurring here. You're feeling shame due to not knowing how to handle social situations + your own lack of expertise in situations like the cigarette lighting and the salsa dancing. You are probably assuming that since you aren't the best, other people dislike you and will be inclined to reject you.

The truth is no one else is putting 5% of the importance on any of these incidents as you are. You're blowing up their importance in your mind... no one else is forming major impressions of you from this stuff. Even if they actually rejected you once or twice (they didn't) it probably wouldn't be half as big a deal to them as it is to you, and they'd still be likely to be cool with you later if you behaved cool.

None of what you've shared sounds like tooling to me, though. Maybe(?) the guy taking your cigarette was tooling? But did he give it back? If he took it, lit it, took a puff, then returned it, that is actually him being cool (him helping you light it), and simply taking his "payment" (he gets a puff)... more like an act of camaraderie than tooling.

Tooling would be like this:

1. You're sorting out the mats and guys come over and start messing up the sorting you've done, throwing a bunch more mats at you, yelling stuff at you like, "Hey janitor, come sweep up over here next!" Etc.
   
   
2. You're having trouble lighting a cigarette and some guy takes out a cigarette of his own, lights it in your face, puts his lighter away, and says, "Keep trying, newb!" Or he takes the cigarette away from you, sticks it in his pocket, and walks off
   
   
3. You're at salsa class and doing horrible and people start telling you to get out of the way or asking you why you came if you're such a bad dancer

My suggestion: keep putting yourself in these situations, suffer through the stuff that "feels like" you're looking like a rube/idiot, and sooner or later people will reach out to you and treat you in a cool way and you will realize no one is tooling you and you weren't rejected.

Here's another suggestion: if you want something from people, you need to get the courage up to ask.

• Want help sorting the mats? "Hey bro, could you give me a hand with these mats? With two sets of hands it'll go much quicker"
  
  
• Want help lighting a cig? "Hey man, you any good at lighting cigs? Seems I'm all thumbs today"
  
  
• Want help with salsa? "Hey, think you could give me some pointers? You seem like you're pretty good"

People like being asked for help, provided you do it in a cool way.

People like being able to act in prosocial ways. It's satisfying and fun.

Give people a chance to interact with you in positive, prosocial ways and they will enjoy interacting with you.

Chase

Ahh also I am realising how I could have now handled the situation differently. For example with salsa there was this Asian chick with her wine and I was alone..... Damn that could have been a good opportunity to pounce on and ask her to dance, she was clearly looking to dance, but I was all in my head.

 

[trashKENNUT]

None of what you've shared sounds like tooling to me, though. Maybe(?) the guy taking your cigarette was tooling? But did he give it back? If he took it, lit it, took a puff, then returned it, that is actually him being cool (him helping you light it), and simply taking his "payment" (he gets a puff)... more like an act of camaraderie than tooling.

The truth is no one else is putting 5% of the importance on any of these incidents as you are. You're blowing up their importance in your mind... no one else is forming major impressions of you from this stuff. Even if they actually rejected you once or twice (they didn't) it probably wouldn't be half as big a deal to them as it is to you, and they'd still be likely to be cool with you later if you behaved cool.

Wolfie,

Chase answered your question.

As to the cigarette thing, maybe it can also be
- you just don't like that people taking stuff from you, out of the blue.
- someone took something from you and the public at that place and at that time, gives you their disapproval.

Chase is correct. But then. I think the part that drives everyone crazy is the ambiguity of the situation (that's just life) and the ambiguity of what happens after (projection/future state).

Which I hope I am able to resolve someday.

I have seen things spiralled into shit because it just so happens that you happened to be the perfect variable at that moment in time to be use as a tool, as a means to an end.

Simple Example: you are in a party and a person asked you to pass a drink as you go to the bathroom. That drink happens to be there but then others start piling up and they are nice about it on surface level/on paper.

But reality is, you are not sure where this goes. Thus, make you like an idiot as it escalates. Isn't this why Females despise men in marriage?

Because Men don't fucking see it. I do, now.

z@c+

 

[Regal Tiger]

Chase had a great response that reminded me of something that happened just last night actually:

I went to and event where I was told people were going to be walking around. So I wore comfortable and stylish clothes. Turns out a lotta people were running so when they were doing their laps I was quite far behind and taking shortcuts lmao

There was a moment where the speed walkers got claps and cheers (as well as the runners). But I didn't get any claps

It would have been easy to sink into my head (and the impulse was there) and just say nobody there liked me. But I just went at my own pace and ended up having a few of the people hanging on my words when I talked about psychology and later poetry after

Like chase mentioned, most people are too in their own head about exactly the same things you're worrying about to give much important to these things. They're worrying about how stupid they're coming off, or how they just said something dumb or how their sneeze was aimed wrong or whatever else. The same stuff we all worry about

Everything that happens to/around us are magnified in our own minds, not in others'.

Us: Oh no I just coughed are they going to think I'm too sick to be around and wanna stay 10 feet away from me at all times?

Them: they just coughed and I didn't say bless you they're going to think I'm such a rude asshole that they're going to hate me and I just blew it crap crap crap!

A little exaggerated but not far off the mark lol

 

[Wolfie]

Chase had a great response that reminded me of something that happened just last night actually:

I went to and event where I was told people were going to be walking around. So I wore comfortable and stylish clothes. Turns out a lotta people were running so when they were doing their laps I was quite far behind and taking shortcuts lmao

There was a moment where the speed walkers got claps and cheers (as well as the runners). But I didn't get any claps

It would have been easy to sink into my head (and the impulse was there) and just say nobody there liked me. But I just went at my own pace and ended up having a few of the people hanging on my words when I talked about psychology and later poetry after

Like chase mentioned, most people are too in their own head about exactly the same things you're worrying about to give much important to these things. They're worrying about how stupid they're coming off, or how they just said something dumb or how their sneeze was aimed wrong or whatever else. The same stuff we all worry about

Everything that happens to/around us are magnified in our own minds, not in others'.

Us: Oh no I just coughed are they going to think I'm too sick to be around and wanna stay 10 feet away from me at all times?

Them: they just coughed and I didn't say bless you they're going to think I'm such a rude asshole that they're going to hate me and I just blew it crap crap crap!

A little exaggerated but not far off the mark lol

I think like that too haha