Recently started cold approach, not getting any numbers, want some perspective

[Dough]

So I'll skip a lengthy introduction of myself, and I'll sum it up with this: I'm 22, and my life up until this point has been nearly identical to chase's.
Over the past year I had spent a lot of effort improving my fundamentals and ridding myself of bitterness and negative thoughts. GC has been an incredible help for this - nowhere else have I found actionable advice on the functional side WITHOUT poisonous moralizing attached to it.

After I got my mindset and my fundamentals in order, last month I overcame both approach anxiety and public-interaction anxiety. Since then I've been able to talk to anyone in public at any moment for whatever reason. I've also made it a habit to have a conversation with 3 different strangers every time I go out. For the moment, the only time I leave my place is to go shopping for stuff.

I've been doing cold approach with proper confidence and good mindset and good fundamentals now for a month. My "attempt-count" is 12, with no successes.

So I'm posting here because I just had a day that I should be proud of... or at least feeling good after, but I'm just sitting here annoyed and frustrated. So I'll describe what happened today and I hope someone can comment on it? I'm not sure what I expect, but I also don't know what my problem is, so those are probably related.



So I went out today to buy a violin (this guy with his strippers and his 90% female audience totally didn't influence that decision) and grab some groceries. I went out to a hardware store to get some screws, and grabbed an employee to find them but they ended up being out of stock so I got something similar. I did some small talk with him about some random crap as a social warmup.

On the way out, the cashier was really cute but she wasn't my type and clearly not in a social mood at all. She looked like her mom just dragged her out of bed to go to school. So I decided to just wish her a better day and moved on.

1. Hindsight: This girl desperately needed someone to brighten her day up and the store was empty so we had plenty of time to talk. But I don't know how to do it.

I went to another hardware store to find a flower pot. While I was looking for the section, I saw the first girl I've found doing cold approach that's attractive AND my type! I got really excited about this girl, let's go! She was dressed well, made eye contact, and smiled at me as we passed. Well I'm not letting this opportunity go to waste, so I stopped her and asked where the flower pots were.

She seemed happy to talk to me and actually knew where the pots were so I said "oh, that was just an excuse to talk to you, are you single?". She started to say yes, but cut herself off and said "no, sorry". I said fair enough have a good one, and started to leave. As I was leaving I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she had started towards me, before turning around and leaving herself. Clearly this girl wanted to get to know me even after rejecting me so it leaves me extremely confused. Did she screw up by wanting me to chase harder? Was she actually taken and was having a moral crisis about cheating? Did I screw up by double opening (situational immediately followed by a direct)? Did I cause her to autoreject somehow?

2. Hindsight: I should've moved her by having her to bring me to the aisle. But I don't think it would've changed the outcome of the interaction. This is really confusing to me.

After getting my hardware crap, I went and got some sushi. It was takeout-only, so I had to leave the store and eat it elsewhere. I noticed there was a girl my age sitting alone in her car, so I went over to her and said "Well I'm not going to go over to my car and eat this alone like a loser when you're sitting here, can I get in?". She said yes, so I ate in her car and shared some of my food with her while we talked. During the conversation I disqualified her as a girlfriend, so I didn't get her number and moved on with my day.

3. Hindsight: Nothing to say here, I think this went quite well other than the part where I decided I didn't like the girl.

Next I went to get my violin. Nothing of note happened there, other than negotiating a good deal with the person selling it. Being limbered up by the previous socialization definitely helped!

Finally, I went to the grocery store to get some milk. On the way in I noticed a guy sitting at the entrance with a clipboard, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was giving out masks to people that didn't have any and tracked the # of customers in the store. I stayed and talked to him for a minute and we joked about him being a diaper dispenser.

In the store I got what I needed. On my way out, there was a cute girl as tall as me (I'm 5'11") who looked ~18 shopping with her mom. I ignored the mom and talked to her after she made eye contact with me, but the mom was deadset on cockblocking me for whatever reason so I had to leave.

4. Hindsight: I should've asked the girl to move away from her cunt mom so we could talk in peace instead of acquiescing to the mom's frame. But I'm worried about getting into a frame war with an overprotective mom in a grocery store, for fairly obvious reasons.

When I was paying for my crap I chose a cute cashier as usual, just in case. She initiated smalltalk which was weird because they never do that, so I decided to figure out how to get her onto my phone. I got her to give me a pen and paper and I gave her my number as I left because I didn't want to interrupt her doing her job. So unless now as I write this at 10pm she's still working, she didn't text me. Lmao.

5. Hindsight: I need to figure out a way to get cashiers' numbers, everything I know of is nonfunctional for one reason or another.

So basically in total I've approached 12 girls so far in my time practicing cold approach with 4 happening in this one day and haven't managed to get a girl onto my phone a single time. I guess I don't have a lot to comment about it other than to say that I don't understand what my problem is?

I've overcome all the hard parts - mindset, approach anxiety, fundamentals, being social, confidence, even the stupid pandemic - I've overcome the parts that guys get stuck on, and I've loosened up. I was expecting things to become easier now! But instead of becoming easier, I merely now don't understand why I'm failing and I'm sitting here frustrated after a day that by all rights I should be proud of.

 

[Starboy]

So basically in total I've approached 12 girls so far in my time practicing cold approach with 4 happening in this one day and haven't managed to get a girl onto my phone a single time. I guess I don't have a lot to comment about it other than to say that I don't understand what my problem is?

Hey man it's admirable that you went out and talked to some girls and stepped out of your comfort zone and you should be prideful of the action you're taking. However you're just beginning game. You've only got a small taste of cold approach. There are a lot of harsh lessons that you need to learn from the game and you haven't paid your dues yet in just 12 approaches.

I've overcome all the hard parts - mindset, approach anxiety, fundamentals, being social, confidence, even the stupid pandemic - I've overcome the parts that guys get stuck on, and I've loosened up.

There's no way you've solved all these issues with the small size that you've had. You won't know how good your fundamentals are from only approaching 12 girls, AA is going to manifest itself over and over when you approach attractive women, your mindsets will fluctuate because your ego will push back against the action you're taking, and you won't develop real confidence until you get better and get some results.

She was dressed well, made eye contact, and smiled at me as we passed. Well I'm not letting this opportunity go to waste, so I stopped her and asked where the flower pots were.

She seemed happy to talk to me and actually knew where the pots were so I said "oh, that was just an excuse to talk to you, are you single?". She started to say yes, but cut herself off and said "no, sorry". I said fair enough have a good one, and started to leave. As I was leaving I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she had started towards me, before turning around and leaving herself. Clearly this girl wanted to get to know me even after rejecting me so it leaves me extremely confused. Did she screw up by wanting me to chase harder? Was she actually taken and was having a moral crisis about cheating? Did I screw up by double opening (situational immediately followed by a direct)? Did I cause her to autoreject somehow?

Just cuz she looked at you and smiled doesn't mean she was interested in you.There are girls who will smile at you,be friendly with you,but when you approach or ask them out... you get blownout or they have a bf. You're overanalyzing what you think her thought process was.

She initiated smalltalk which was weird because they never do that, so I decided to figure out how to get her onto my phone. I got her to give me a pen and paper and I gave her my number as I left because I didn't want to interrupt her doing her job. So unless now as I write this at 10pm she's still working, she didn't text me. Lmao.

The chances of getting a number from a cashier by writing your number down is very low. Girls have to really like you to take that kind of initiative and you guys just had small talk there was barely an interaction,no investment from her,no flirting dynamic and the biggest reason is she's at work so her reputation and job is at stake. She's not gonna jeapordize that for some customer she barely knows.

I ignored the mom and talked to her after she made eye contact with me, but the mom was deadset on cockblocking me for whatever reason so I had to leave. I should've asked the girl to move away from her cunt mom so we could talk in peace instead of acquiescing to the mom's frame. But I'm worried about getting into a frame war with an overprotective mom in a grocery store, for fairly obvious reasons.

What you did wrong was you totally disregarded the girl's mom. You can't isolate the girl without winning the mom over first. The issue wasn't a potential frame war. Moms are very protective of their kids they don't want a strange dude to start talking to them out of nowhere.

You're still a rookie pua. The private who just got enlisted into the marines. You're making errors you're unaware of because of your lack of experience. It will take a lot more than one month and 12 approaches to be good at pickup.

I've been practicing game intermittently for 4 months and am around 180 approaches and there are still lots of things I have yet to learn. What I can tell you right now is that getting a number from daygame doesn't mean much. Girls will give out their number to guys they may or may not have liked in the moment,but not respond to your texts later on. Your endgoal is not just to get a girl's # it's to have sex later on,but you're not at that stage yet

You still have to approach a lot more girls. It's a numbers game and you don't have enough reference points. Approach more girls,evaluate your fundamentals and mindset after you take some more action. You haven't experienced true frustration yet. I would recommend reading A Thousand Tiny Failures by Tony Depp. That will give you a real glimpse of what it really looks like.

 

[Dough]

AA is going to manifest itself over and over when you approach attractive women

So you think just because I've conquered my approach anxiety for now, that doesn't mean it'll be gone in the future? I don't understand why it would suddenly come back. Like I don't suddenly forget how to ride my bike and need to re-learn.

I would recommend reading A Thousand Tiny Failures by Tony Depp.

Reading it now. Just got to the good part after his titties were removed and now I'm off to bed. Gonna be sure to devour that tomorrow lmao.


I guess I do have a specific question after all: Why is this so hard? Like I understand the gravity of what I'm trying to do here - I'm trying to violate basically every societal norm and just assert my own rules of what's normal. I get the difficulty in that. But I just want a normal girlfriend that I'm attracted to and enjoy being around. That's all I want. Most importantly, normal. Well, the girl at least. I'm not normal and don't intend to be.

Honestly, I don't even want to call myself a PUA. I have no interest in hookups. I don't need a 25% chance of fucking any woman I choose to approach on the street. I don't need to be able to take any one of my friends and get them laid in a night guaranteed. I don't understand why just wanting a girl that I like has to require violating basically every societal norm. It just doesn't make intuitive sense to me. How has the human race even perpetuated itself?

 

[Starboy]

So you think just because I've conquered my approach anxiety for now, that doesn't mean it'll be gone in the future? I don't understand why it would suddenly come back. Like I don't suddenly forget how to ride my bike and need to re-learn.

The difference is something like riding your bike or playing a videogame doesn't require us to use our emotions much. If you take a break from lifting weights at the gym your muscles will atrophy and not stay strong,but regaining the muscle back won't take as long because we have muscle memory. Or when you haven't played call of duty in a while and you get back into it you might struggle cuz ur rusty. Same concept in pickup. It's more difficult though because our emotions and ego is involved.Tbh nobody ever really conquers AA for the rest of their life ,but when you have enough exposure it doesn't paralyze you the way it does early on.

I guess I do have a specific question after all: Why is this so hard? Like I understand the gravity of what I'm trying to do here - I'm trying to violate basically every societal norm and just assert my own rules of what's normal. I get the difficulty in that. But I just want a normal girlfriend that I'm attracted to and enjoy being around. That's all I want. Most importantly, normal. Well, the girl at least. I'm not normal and don't intend to be.

Well pickup is challenging your ego to levels it's never experienced before and you're trying to build a skill that some say is even harder than building a business. Your emotions will work against you because when you're starting out you won't see many rewards and your brain will want to tap out.

Getting a normal girlfriend probably isn't that hard(depending on how quality she is) ,but it will feel hard until you gain more experience,develop yourself as a man and develop true confidence around women. Yes guys who are into this niche aren't "normal" because we are doing unconventional things,but that's a good thing because we don't abide by the societal rules that trap everyone else in dating.

Honestly, I don't even want to call myself a PUA. I have no interest in hookups. I don't need a 25% chance of fucking any woman I choose to approach on the street. I don't need to be able to take any one of my friends and get them laid in a night guaranteed. I don't understand why just wanting a girl that I like has to require violating basically every societal norm. It just doesn't make intuitive sense to me. How has the human race even perpetuated itself?

That's fine bro you don't have to be a guy who fucks 100 girls thats not neccesary. It's totally fine to get into this just to get a gf. It's gonna take some work since you're behind a little,but it can be done. There was a discussion before where a guy basically asked how do other guys meet without needing to study pickup.

Thread 'How do most guys get laid and who's fucking all the hot chicks?' https://www.skilledseducer.com/thre...id-and-whos-fucking-all-the-hot-chicks.24913/

You don't need to violate social norms to get a girlfriend typically. But since you're behind socially and don't have much experience with girls you're gonna have a tough time pulling girls from socially acceptable places like social circle because you're gonna put a lot of pressure on yourself to make the right move and not fuck up.

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This was me for many years where I worked in a job with a lot of pretty girls for years,but I was always hesistant and anxious to ask out girls. Even if knew girls liked me or I asked them out I didn't know what to do and didn't wanna risk awkwardness.

You're starting out so it's going to be a long frustrating journey and you may struggle with bitterness like a lot of guys do including myself. 95% of guys drop out of the game because of how difficult it is to manage the lows of pickup.

If you push yourself out there and embrace the process and the difficulties of it you will steadily improve over time. Work hard,but also do it smartly and you will go further than most men do.

 

[Dough]

Well pickup is challenging your ego to levels it's never experienced before

I have experienced it before actually! I make my money day trading. It took me 10 months of living at my parents place literally nolifing it and doing nothing else experiencing constant failures with no positive reinforcement at all and I only saw myself through with sheer unrelenting stubbornness. It totally tore my ego to shreds. We have a 95%+ failure rate in trading like you guys have in pickup.

I've noticed a lot of trading stuff is applicable to pickup, and a lot of pickup stuff is applicable to trading. I was studying them simultaneously and there was so much stuff cross applicable that they helped me learn eachother. Trading has also taught me to see the world in percentages, which seems to be a mindset that pickup advocates learning as well. We even have a trading version of "a thousand tiny failures".

I see myself now as someone who can accomplish anything but I also recognize that I can only achieve anything by taking the knocks first. So I'm hardened and don't take failures personally. So I'd say my sense of self-worth and my ego is more intrinstically fuelled now because I know my ability to accomplish difficult things isn't actually related to my ability to succeed, if that even makes any sense.

This is what I meant when I said that I have the mindset for pickup: from a certain perspective, I've already succeeded at another version of it.

You know I really am a sucker for punishment huh? I pick the most difficult way to make money and then I pick the most difficult way to get a girlfriend. I wonder what other nonsense I'm going to stress myself out with by having unreasonable standards...

It's gonna take some work since you're behind a little,but it can be done.

Why do you say that I'm behind? All the guys my age I know who are in a happy relationship are gay. (seems like things would be so much easier if I were just gay) So even from a comparing myself to my peers aspect it certainly seems that they have nothing to show for whatever they're doing either heh.

Work hard,but also do it smartly and you will go further than most men do.

Yup, sometimes you hear "work smarter, not harder". That's stupid. If your standards for yourself are as high as I expect they are for anyone on this forum then you need to work hard AND smart.



I read a thousand tiny failures. It was pretty helpful for me to wrap my head around the actual process, and tony's ability to succeed in spite of his constant self-sabotage was very impressive to me. I'm a sleep 9 hours, wake up at 5am, no drugs/alcohol/caffeine kinda guy and I'm only interested in girls that are at least willing to adopt that lifestyle, so seeing a biography of the other side gives a lot of perspective.

Do you know of some good books (or writers generally) about direct game? I'm not really an entertainer - more of an inflective no nonsense brooding intellectual type - so I don't think I can use tony's style without being very incongruent and I haven't seen anything yet that I feel matches my personality particularly well.

Something that trading taught me is that I need a teacher whose style resonates with me to learn from: If I try to throw a bunch of bits and pieces together without knowing what makes a system work in the first place then I'll fail. (just like you guys have a pickup system, we have a trading system, and they're subject to the exact same newb traps literally 1:1)

 

[Rakkum]

I've been doing cold approach with proper confidence and good mindset and good fundamentals now for a month. My "attempt-count" is 12, with no successes.

If your confidence, drive and and mindset are good... then you would have done more than 12 in a month... is what I think.

Are you a 100% sure you really have all these things down solid? It's no biggie if you haven't, I don't, most guys here could use some improvement.

From my experience, if I don't feel in control and happy with my own life, the feel leaks through and my approaches go nowhere.. women pick up the feels. If I am on top of my shit, then I don't even have to do more than pick up on the approach invitations ...

The good thing is that you can learn to take control of your outlook, emotions and state... it's not an easy quick fix but you'll surprised if you see how it works. Sorry if I sound condescending if you already know this all or I'm off the mark, not intended

And a public service announcement to all rusty (day)gamers like myself: They rarely look friendly (even if they end up digging you a loooot)

EDIT: Drunk post

 

[Rakehell]

Keyword asymmetric returns on the main site. There’re a couple articles related to this, but essentially small losses pale in importance to a big win you’ll eventually receive by just putting yourself out there.

You’re on track by taking action, keep reading stuff here and on the main site along with your approaches and things will start making sense alot more rapidly.

Trial and error is essential to your understanding.

 

[Dough]

If your confidence, drive and and mindset are good... then you would have done more than 12 in a month... is what I think.

Very great question. The answer boils down to why I'm doing cold approach in the first place, because when I'm in any social setting regularly and repeatedly the girls usually flock to me. Why would I be putting in this effort when all I have to do is go do something and then let the girls approach me first?

The answer is simple: I hate going out. I've left my place 4 times in the past 30 days.

And a public service announcement to all rusty (day)gamers like myself: They rarely look friendly (even if they end up digging you a loooot)

Well that's helpful to me too, I was only approaching girls that gave me some indication that they noticed my existence first.

Keyword asymmetric returns on the main site. There’re a couple articles related to this, but essentially small losses pale in importance to a big win you’ll eventually receive by just putting yourself out there.

Lol ofc it's about stock trading. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that chase noticed the parallels too.

 

[mist]

So basically in total I've approached 12 girls so far in my time practicing cold approach with 4 happening in this one day and haven't managed to get a girl onto my phone a single time. I guess I don't have a lot to comment about it other than to say that I don't understand what my problem is?

10 things to do

1. Meet more women.

2. Integrate approaching strangers into your life.

3. Pick a specific thing to focus on in your sets. ( Tonality, closing at a high point, eye contact, building intrigue etc)

4. Go out more even if just for 30 minutes or less.

5. Go somewhere that feels separate from your everyday social life and and open a ton of women.

6. Go somewhere more regularly build some social value with people.

7. Learn to soft close and bait yourself into phone numbers with interested women.

8. Check your vibe and check where you are making your asks during sets. ( Hint your compliance asks should come during high points or deep rapport moments with sets for highest likelihood regardless of objection. Gotten a girl with a boyfriend out with me and a girl with a boyfriends number.)

9. Accept full responsibility for how your interactions turn out because it will free you.

10. MEET MORE WOMEN.

The answer is simple: I hate going out. I've left my place 4 times in the past 30 days.

5 What not to dos.

1. Unless you are online gaming like a greek god you need to go out for pussy more. Even if you had a regular girlfriend you need to find some reason to go out into the world or you won't grow as a person.

Well that's helpful to me too, I was only approaching girls that gave me some indication that they noticed my existence first.

2. This is great, but don't only approach them. Approach women/people that simply interest you as well.

I'm not really an entertainer - more of an inflective no nonsense brooding intellectual type - so I don't think I can use tony's style without being very incongruent and I haven't seen anything yet that I feel matches my personality particularly well.

3. Don't be so stuck on yourself and congruence while building this skill. Revel in being able to do things that you aren't doing everyday and develop traits and mindsets that may start incongruent but will broaden your palette and abilities. Which will broaden your women. With more women that means more experience and that ups your chance of getting

I'm a sleep 9 hours, wake up at 5am, no drugs/alcohol/caffeine kinda guy and I'm only interested in girls that are at least willing to adopt that lifestyle

the girl who matches your lifestyle.

4.

Hindsight: I should've asked the girl to move away from her cunt mom so we could talk in peace instead of acquiescing to the mom's frame. But I'm worried about getting into a frame war with an overprotective mom in a grocery store, for fairly obvious reasons.

Try to avoid becoming combative with people accompanying your set. Be casual and polite with them and focus your intensity and sexuality on the girl you want. I've gone for number closes with parents and grandparents around.

Acknowledge them and maybe even include them in the interaction and take a slightly beta angle of expressing interest in their child if they aren't leaving and asking the daughter out.

Just be polite cool, focus on your set, avoid setting off alarms, and go for a number close to set a meet later.

5.

I guess I do have a specific question after all: Why is this so hard? Like I understand the gravity of what I'm trying to do here - I'm trying to violate basically every societal norm and just assert my own rules of what's normal. I get the difficulty in that. But I just want a normal girlfriend that I'm attracted to and enjoy being around. That's all I want. Most importantly, normal. Well, the girl at least. I'm not normal and don't intend to be.

Honestly, I don't even want to call myself a PUA. I have no interest in hookups. I don't need a 25% chance of fucking any woman I choose to approach on the street. I don't need to be able to take any one of my friends and get them laid in a night guaranteed. I don't understand why just wanting a girl that I like has to require violating basically every societal norm. It just doesn't make intuitive sense to me. How has the human race even perpetuated itself?

Don't fight it. Accept this and go for wins. Accept full responsibility for what your life is and your desires for what you want it to be. Do what it takes. Make the sacrifice.

Experiment with everything including what you dislike and hate because everything you've currently done hasn't gotten you a normal girlfriend.

Learn more. Go out more. Write about your sets more.

Experiment and accept.

Rebel against losing not the game. The game is an avenue for you to win if you take it.

 

[Starboy]

9. Accept full responsibility for how your interactions turn out because it will free you.

This is the one thing I would say that is a flawed mindset to have. A lot of coaches will emphasize to accept all responsibility for outcomes with women,but its a bit unrealistic and unhealthy. Especially when you're a beginner and you put all your ego into it. It's not emphasized nearly enough that everything is a game of chance and there's a lot out of your control. Your performance is a man doesn't dictate everything.

You can only put your best foot forward,make adjustments when neccesary and let the cards fall as they may.