Recurring Issue: Rough Sex. Any thoughts?

[AspiringStoic]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

 

[topcat]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

lol I know the feeling. What usually helps is having other chicks in rotation. This helps preserve her “novelty factor” as I have other girls to contrast her with.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Huh?
So you guys also experience it? And having variety is the only cure?

Its a bit of a relief to know. I thought there was something wrong with me. And of course when I looked up some mainstream stuff, they always make it sound like if you cannot just fuck one girl and be happy, its something pathological.

I have seen so many places where married men are saying "I have been married 20 years and sex with my wife is better now than it has ever been." And I am like whaaat???

How is that even possible or is there something really badly wrong with me.

 

[JollyRoger]

I know exactly what you mean and I don't think the only cure is a rotation.

In my experience I have to logically remind myself that it's the best thing to do and behave like I did at first. Then make sure to notice how much she's enjoying it.

Seeing how much your partner enjoys it helps you get back into it.

 

[Lover]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

Seems like a tricky situation. I can partially relate as I used to fuck girls as rough as I could the first couple times I slept with them, just because I wanted to be different than other guys. But eventually this burned me out lol and I had to change things up

If you can overcome your desire to fuck them rough/as objects when you first sleep with them, then be less rough the first couple of times. Not telling you to be completely vanilla, but turn it down a notch or two. It may require a conscious effort to do this differently with the next couple of girls

Once you get more emotionally intimate with them and feel like "this is the moment where I would usually get more vanilla and lovey-dovey with the sex", then turn up the roughness and dominance instead. And yeah, conscious effort will also be needed the first couple of times in this regard

The ideas by doing things this way:

- You start associating emotional intimacy with rough sex on an unconscious level

- You show more of your sexual "arsenal" as time goes on. This way, women will feel the sex and the relationship are developing. But they will also question "what else could he be hiding that I haven't seen/felt yet...???" And women love nothing more than a mystery they can't solve because it keeps them wondering

Hope this helps!

 

[Will_V]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

Variety of girls helps, there are some other things too.

Don't spend too much nonsexual time with her - living together, especially if you're working from home, is the worst thing for your sex life.

Don't allow her to do anything around you that annoys you or wears you out - when you put up with any bs the first thing to go will be your sexual edge.

When you are together, be dominant in everything you do. If she's talking about something boring/annoying, cut her off. Tell her to do things for you. Ignore her completely for periods of time. Grab her and express yourself sexually whenever you feel the urge. You want to feel like a king in your own castle, uninhibited by mundane routines or obligations of behaviour. If she creates a little bit of drama about anything, use it to build sexual energy between you.

Do other things in your life that scare and challenge you, that bring out your drive and aggression, and at the end of the day release the energy into her pussy, she will love you for it.

A man's sex drive is not really a function of the woman, but a function of how he experiences his own life and reality. Being with a new woman shifts his experience of reality into something new and exciting and powerful and full of potential, but then it slides back into mundanity, and his libido goes back into hibernation, sometimes (in the case of bad marriages) for good. You want to keep it near the surface, and disengage it from being just about her, and use it in other things you do in life - that way all your self expression will remain readily available to you, and she will enjoy the by-product of sexual energy and intent.

 

[AspiringStoic]

@topcat @Lover @Will_V

Thanks a lot for all your advice. I see did not do any of these things in the past. Sometimes I did have other girls I was seeing. But other times it was just her.

And yes I did end spending lots and lots of non sexual time together and the more I did that, the more the sexual attraction dwindled for sure. I was not in abundance back then and would not have the self control to limit time spent with the girl.

But now going forward becoming proficient with cold approach will hopefully give me all the abundance to then practise these principles.