Relationship Anxiety/Insecurity

[student94]

Hey guys, so I made a post a few weeks ago about a relationship I was contemplating entering and I decided to go into it. So far, the girl has been great and I think objectively any guy would be pretty happy with how things are going. This is why I'm on this board and not the relationship board--even though things should be feeling good, they don't.

Some background on myself recently--things have been going pretty well for me on the life front--I'm doing pretty well in school and I have a good job lined up for the summer. I've been seeing this girl for about 5 months now, and we're in a relationship. When I'm with her, I'm happy--we have virtually no barriers to communication and can talk about anything. However, as I've become closer to her and stopped making any attempt to flirt with other girls and spend more time with her (we hang out once a day at least), I've become extremely anxious about receiving texts from her and don't feel secure in the relationship. Recently it got to the point where one night when I was texting her to hang out, she didn't respond for a few hours and I literally could not do anything except stare at my phone every minute to see if she texted me back. This has been happening pretty regularly to some degree now where I will feel insecure (and still do) about the relationship and how much she likes me and is invested in me even though there are pretty clear signs that she likes me. Thus, I feel this is a problem completely on my end that is out of her control. All day every day I will think about this, and although i can still get my stuff done, it is at 50% efficiency because my mind is always thinking about my position in the relationship and whether or not I've gotten a text or call from her.

What do you guys think? I know girlschase is largely a practical forum, and the answer would normally be "keep flirting with lots of girls and keep the abundance mentality up", but every time I flirt with girls I feel less close to my girl and like I'm betraying her somehow. It seems things have taken a 180 turn. 6 months ago when I was single I was going out everyday approaching girls on the street and now I'm slave to my obsessive (doctor diagnosed) compulsive behavior.

Has anyone had this kind of experience before?

Much love

s94

 

[PinotNoir]

I think most guys (if not all) have had this experience with their first relationships.

First, I'd say get a hobby or an overarching ambition in life. What do you want to accomplish in 10 years? What do you see yourself as? Begin writing a book, starting a career, learning some type of skill, training your body/mind in some discipline, etc. You need to be pursuing something. And, if the relationship ever goes to crap, this will help you feel more sane and less hurt as you can devote more time to that area.

Second, I'd say that you're seeing her too much. You see her face-to-face everyday? There's nothing to be desired here. Pull back a little.

Third, it can sometimes be like an addiction. I know; I've been there. If you're doing something for 30-60min, put your phone in a drawer and tell yourself not to look at until 30-60min has passed. Slowly ween yourself off of it.

Lastly, you already mentioned meeting/flirting with girls, so I won't bring it up. I have problems with this too in a relationship. Just know, that she IS being approached by guys, or at the very least, some guys are being slightly flirtatious around her. As long as you just flirt with some girls and don't pursue, no harm done, and you're doing the equivalent. This can be a hot cashier, waitress, etc. Just flirt and compliment and get to know her; that's it.

 

[student94]

do you think its worth checking out a pyschologist or psychiatrist? the extent to which I am thinking about it is ridiculous, and it ruins my day. even if i turn off my phone, im thinking about what she thinks about me. how do i get rid of this insecurity in the relationship? I don't think its the relationships fault. maybe im wrong.

 

[Little Jester]

Hi Student94,

I can relate from past experience and now coming from reversed roles, as you sound like my current girlfriend (no offense). For the record: I've been anxious and looking / waiting at my phone before too, which was when I started dating the first few girls I got in contact with. Right now it is my girlfriend's 3th relationship and my first relationship and yet the roles are reversed as you describe, cause I already got over this anxiety before we got in a relationship and I generally feel pretty secure with her.

Anyways as far as looking at the phone, anxiously waiting for a response: Actually from what you write, you seem in a good spot for changing that pattern, that behavior. You're able to analyze it and see the challenge within yourself to overcome and you seem to want to overcome that challenge. I suppose it is now only that you want to know where to start.

What could be a nice exercise is to accept first that you are anxious. Just sit down and tell yourself "Okay I'm anxious here. That's okay. I guess I care about my gf a lot and that's a good thing."
Just as you do that (rationalizing it positively for yourself), it'll take the edge of the emotion (as with any emotion you try to positively rationalize), so that it doesn't put you in these what I like to call 'mind loops'. Really frees up some of your thinking processes. Just try it some time. It might work fine for you too

Next thing would indeed be to move on to different activities as PinotNoir suggests, to put your mind on other stuffs. Making that decision to repeatably put your phone away and not look at it for hours while doing something else, is a powerful thing. Can change your anxiety on this forever (did so for me). You might even be able to turn it into a motivator. You tell yourself you finish thing X first, before looking at your phone again... If there are no texts to reply to, you move on to finish thing Y and then thing Z. Run out of things and still nothing on your phone? Come up with a new thing to do, before you even allow yourself to look at your phone again... Stuff like that can really inspire some creative and productive thinking.

Hope this helps you in some ways

Cheers,
J

 

[student94]

The acceptance part is something I haven't really heard of, but Ill try it. Thank you for all your help guys. How did you get over this anxiety before ever entering the relationship Little Jester? Are you exclusive with this girl currently or are you meeting new girls every day?

 

[Little Jester]

Student94,

How did you get over this anxiety before ever entering the relationship?

Well take for example asking a girl out, that you clicked with, for a 2nd or 3th date and not hearing from her, wondering if she ended up with another guy, or maybe you did something wrong, or maybe whatever. Dealing with that kind of uncertainty while dating, prepared me for uncertainty in relationships. The approach hasn't changed for me:

1) Notice you feel anxious and uncertain (or sad, or angry that can also be a product of anxiety) about something out of your control
2) Accept it and rationalize it positively for yourself and snap out of it (Hey, you care about something! Congrats, you're human!)
3) Change unhealthy behaviors to healthy ones (why sit around, if you can also do something for yourself and feel good about that)
4) Repeat till new behaviors become a habbit / autopilot response to your anxiety
5) Feel secure and in control of your own life

It is a shift of focus really, but you have to work for it to pull it off, as always

Are you exclusive with this girl currently or are you meeting new girls every day?

8 months exclusive, monogamous with long term perspective relationship. No longer meeting new girls.

I think you ask this because abundance comes up a lot in the GC community and that you may develop it, by meeting lots of new girls, etc. What if you can't meet new girls because of being in a committed relationship? Well, dealing with your anxiety directly like this, is just another tool in the box to get an abundance like state...

Hope it helps you,
J.

 

[PinotNoir]

BTW, have you read this article?

Some other good ones:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-v ... t-it-crops
https://www.girlschase.com/content/scare ... ationships (Always waiting for her to respond can sometimes make you eventually have fear and want control.)
https://www.girlschase.com/content/its-n ... s-hers-you
https://www.girlschase.com/content/4-thi ... girlfriend

Chase has some really good relationship advice. I suggest reading through some random articles that pique your interest:

https://www.girlschase.com/pages/relationship-101

 

[daviddreamer]

Wow I just got over this problem OP and I can relate a lot to it. What helped me was keeping my mind focused on things I did before I met her. Work strongly on your school, read some books, workout, start a side business or something (I started a website). And then what I learned was that my anxiety and anxiousness was irrational. You need to simply go cold turkey and get over it. That is what I did at least. And your anxiety could be deeply rooted from the fear of loss of losing her. Just realize that unless you're screwing up really bad your relationship isn't suddenly going to end. The longer and more investment the more mistakes you can get away with her and there. Just don't sweat the small stuff and keep thinking positively about things.