Relationship with a 'REAL' time constraint ;]

[Sprezza]

Gentleman,

I sincerely hope you guys can give me new insights on the situation I am currently in. Thanks in advance.

Three months now since I had my first sexual encounter with this particular girl. She's an intern working at the office I am working for at the moment (no illegal activity here, we are both in our early twenties). It was love at first sight and I slept with her after two weeks since she started working here. Ever since, I've been meeting her on regular basis (but defintely 2-3 times a week; yes I know, high expectations now) after work and in the weekend. To either grab a bite, cook some food together, or just have conversation, and make love to her everytime we met. She has met my parents during a dinner and I went a weekend away with her. Serious business it seems, and I like it, and want to continue with her.

Here's the problem: she is not originally from the country I am living at the moment. This means that there is a time constraint (more on this later). During the christmas holidays (3 weeks) she went back to her place and see her family and friends. They have already known of my existence after 1,5 month dating. I can imagine she has talked to her friends/family about her situation. During the first two weeks we texted at least every day, but afterwards she started to ignore some texts of mine: i.e. don't respond for 2 days after I send her 2 texts. I waited, didn't want to chase by text-messages, and just didn't send a text for two days and asked if everything is going allright. She did respond then and obviously with a 'yes everything is fine'-text. As you can probably sense, the interaction became very different. No more I love you and I miss you from her side and neither from mine.

She has mentioned that she was thinking about getting her masters degree in the same university as I will go, but I never really reacted in a personal way too that statement, I just told her that it could be a very good choice and other general stuff. I briefly brought it up when I brought her to the airport as if it just crossed my mind suddenly because I told her that I would miss her. She then said, 'you brought this up just now when I am leaving'? I didn't go into it because I thought it was best to just mention it so she could think for herself when she is away from me. Because, when you are in a place you've never been before, it's not necesarily YOU, only, that she loves, but the full package of living abroad is very loveable. And I really do want to let her make the decision herself, at least that she thinks she made it herself. We get influenced by our surroundings all the time anyways and I bet there are friends/family whom she spoke to are very against the idea. So I guess it is not that egoistic to steer her in a certain direction.

She will be back tomorrow and I will meet her during the evening (that's the only thing I have used the texting for after the switch). I am wondering if you guys have any advice on how to proceed with this meeting. My plan at the moment is be completely cool and not mention anything about our less-active-interaction over the holidays. I want to make sure I sleep with her, to set a good mood, before we start a conversation about how we can proceed. This would be in the theme "I can't make any promises, don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I enjoy being with you, love it if this could continue, but it's up to you".

It's been a fucking solo mind-game now for a while so I really want you guys in to get me out of this tunnel.

Cheers,
Sprezza

EDIT: if she's not going to either extend her contract (which is temporarily anyways since it's an internship), or apply for the university, she will ge gone in either 2 months or 5 months.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Sprezza,

I assume if you in a relationship with her already?, just be cool and meet. She still cares if she meets you. You are right, by not talking about the time she is away, you lessen the pressure on her on her decision.

Aside that, i believe she concern about going separate ways, too, and she asking you at the airport about your question, was to not make you feel so needy because she wants you to be independent in the case you both go separate ways.

Zac

 

[Sprezza]

Zac, thanks for your reply.

Well, I think we are in a relationship yes. Seeing all the things we have done together and love is in the air, including the words. But then again, it has only been for a bit longer than 2 months so it's still in the fresh, new and exciting phase.

You have quite an optimistic look and part of me feels(!) the same. But somehow (rationally) I'm expecting for the worst. So I'm really wondering how I should approach the next interaction I have with her.

If I understand correctly, you are saying I should not take any initiative at all on having a conversation about 'the future' so there's no pressure on her decision? I do have the feeling that she's sort of bummed out that we didn't had that conversation yet at all. Which I deliberately tried to avoid to not come off too strong or as a pushover. Maybe I played the game a bit too hard?

 

[trashKENNUT]

Sprezza,

If I understand correctly, you are saying I should not take any initiative at all on having a conversation about 'the future' so there's no pressure on her decision? I do have the feeling that she's sort of bummed out that we didn't had that conversation yet at all. Which I deliberately tried to avoid to not come off too strong or as a pushover. Maybe I played the game a bit too hard?

Yeap, no pressure on her.

She's sort of bummed out because she see that you doing boyfriend stuff but only bring up that you miss her when she's at the airport and you not "officially" in a relationship yet. TO say it, she's confused as to what is that you want. So she's hasn't decided on you yet.

My thoughts is to give her a good time when you meet her and then bring up the matter. You not playing the game too hard, There's this expectation setting where you both don't know where you guys are and the logical reasons where you only have few months left together, behind it.

Zac

 

[daviddreamer]

Maybe I'm too simple minded but to me it sounds like you just need to lead and tell her that you want her?

 

[Sprezza]

Well, she flaked on me tonight. Tried to call her but didn't pick up so I've send her a text: 'I'm under a pile of work but I would like to see you, you game? I could pick you up at 9.' She got back at at me with 'oh I'm so sorry I will be home super late. I'll see you at work tomorrow right?'. I said 'Cool, enjoy the time with your friends. I'll be up late so feel free to stop by'. Thought it was to needy so I send a follow up 'I'm kidding obviously, go get some rest. See you at work tomorrow'.

How could I have done that better?

It seems I'm way too focused on getting with her ASAP making my actions perhaps a bit less rational.
I'm sitting on the fence on how to proceed:
1. Just get the devil may care attitude on and wait for her to get back at me. I mean, she will see me the whole week at work... if I won't be spending needy attention and just act chill for the week I won't put any pressure on her.
2. Take a more aggresive lead in meeting her after work as soon as possible. See how she acts/reacts to my intentions. Be upfront with her in the way I would like to see it work out.
3. Your suggestions?

Yes, I still have a lot to learn. I guess I'm trying to control way too much, making me the chaser. Not stepping on her toes at all, making me the nice guy. It could be I have been put in the 'sure-thing' and 'provider' box.

EDIT:
It just hit me while I was working on a project of mine. It should be a combination of 1 & 2. Actually, number 2 says it almost all already. Just need to replace the aggresive style for a more edgy devil may care attitude, get her to meet with me after work, and be ready to walk away.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Sprezza,

Well, she flaked on me tonight. Tried to call her but didn't pick up so I've send her a text: 'I'm under a pile of work but I would like to see you, you game? I could pick you up at 9.' She got back at at me with 'oh I'm so sorry I will be home super late. I'll see you at work tomorrow right?'. I said 'Cool, enjoy the time with your friends. I'll be up late so feel free to stop by'. Thought it was to needy so I send a follow up 'I'm kidding obviously, go get some rest. See you at work tomorrow'.

How could I have done that better?

If a girl flake on you without she telling you, it's best not to send a text, because

1)you telling her it's okay for her to flake on you.
2)you telling her you have no options.

So try not to text her next time

2. Take a more aggresive lead in meeting her after work as soon as possible. See how she acts/reacts to my intentions. Be upfront with her in the way I would like to see it work out.
3. Your suggestions?

Yes, I still have a lot to learn. I guess I'm trying to control way too much, making me the chaser. Not stepping on her toes at all, making me the nice guy. It could be I have been put in the 'sure-thing' and 'provider' box.

EDIT:
It just hit me while I was working on a project of mine. It should be a combination of 1 & 2. Actually, number 2 says it almost all already. Just need to replace the aggresive style for a more edgy devil may care attitude, get her to meet with me after work, and be ready to walk away.

The devil may care attitude is good stuff, but you must also read where she's coming from. She suggested about going to the same school as you, and you never reacted personally. That tells her that you not as important to her as she is to you. Now what i see is she trying to distance herself abit.

I suggest to just smile when you see her at work and go do about your stuff, Don't try to talk to her and all. Call her one day later and tell her you want to meet for dinner. That will be my best suggestion

Zac

 

[Sprezza]

Sprezza,

The devil may care attitude is good stuff, but you must also read where she's coming from. She suggested about going to the same school as you, and you never reacted personally. That tells her that you not as important to her as she is to you. Now what i see is she trying to distance herself abit.

I suggest to just smile when you see her at work and go do about your stuff, Don't try to talk to her and all. Call her one day later and tell her you want to meet for dinner. That will be my best suggestion

Zac

Cheers Zac for your constant input.

I'm really close to pick up the phone and call her to meet for dinner right now. Emotions... are getting the best of me.

It was a bit awkward this morning at work today. I got out of the tube and walked towards work, and obviously, she was walking like 25 meters in front of me. I kept saying to myself, don't call her, you will seem needy. For whatever reason, she suddenly turned around (crazy theory: was she waiting for me outside the tube? she does know I'm always on time) saw me and waited for me to catch up with her. I walked up to her, and I noticed she was already sort of walking in our work's direction. SO, I didn't even give her a fucking hug or kiss or anything because my mind was all in the mood of DON'T BE NEEDY. Saw a colleague holding the door for us so we didn't even have 30 seconds to talk. So I just asked how her trip has been and told her I like her new haircut. At work, not a single exchange of words, just a few smiles. I am positive that the smile on her face when I walked towards her and said HI was sincere and she was happy to see me though.

So now what? I am following your advice Zac, I hope that works out. My feeling tells me I should just ... you know, do everything in my power to just get to meet her ASAP.

On a sidenote: I feel I have read into so much theory and I think way too much about the social dynamics at play all the time my natural flow just got dumbed down or something. I notice I can still have good conversation like I used to though since you need to be quick to response (wit).

 

[trashKENNUT]

Sprezza,

I'm really close to pick up the phone and call her to meet for dinner right now. Emotions... are getting the best of me.

It's only a day. You call her tmrw.

Zac

 

[Sprezza]

Here's an update:

I noticed this week that she was trying to push me around a little bit to set up a date. I grabbed her after work on thursday to talk to her and I asked her what's on her mind. She said that she did not know what to say, and that she needs some time alone to think. After a little bit of probing forcing her to talk, she told me she thinks that she doesn't know what she wants and that we might've moved too fast (this most probably has to do with her just gotten out of a relationship when I slept with her for the first time; to add, this guy lives in the same city and is still trying to get her back). I said to her that we can't change anything now anymore and that that we had just happened. I told her that I like her and like spending time with her but that we shouldn't hold any expectations whatsoever. She kept responding that she really needs time to think. I grabbed her subtly by her neck and told her: "it does seem that you have spend a lot of time thinking about this and it isn't any use to keep playing around like this" and walked away afterwards.

I did this because I didn't want to have any regrets for what I am actually feeling but show that I can just walk away and move on.

She texted me half an hour later that she really didn't know how to explain and at the moment can't even put a sentence together and asked me to not be mad at her because she can't really control her feelings. I didn't respond to this text. Next day before we both left after drinks at work, I told her that I am not going to spend any energy being mad at her and that the only thing I expect from both of us is to be honest. she said that she is going to write everything down because she is too emotional when she sees me.