Reten problems… can it be fixed?

[Mystique]

It’s weird… and perhaps almost unbelievable, but in a year I’ve laid over 73 women but yet I’ve failed at retaining anyone for something longterm.

It’s not really hard for me to get laid, in fact, if I wanted to lay one girl per day, I probably could achieve that.

I don’t think I’m there yet though, as there’s a certain quality of women that are still hard for me to get (although I think it’s due to me hardly meeting them —where I live is not a good venue, and I don’t go out of my way to find and approach them). The plan is to resolve this soon.

But that’s not the purpose of this post…

So here’s my problem:

I lay a girl, we meet a couple of times and the sex is out of this world (one girl told me it was the best sex of her life), and then compliance dries up.

They no longer want to meet.

It doesn’t happen with every girl. There have been several girls who wanted to keep on seeing me but I wasn’t interested. But the girls I do want though, I can’t seem to retain.

I’ve thought about this nonstop as to what might be the problem, but nothing really comes to mind.

One thing is clear though —girls see me as someone they wanna hook up with but not someone they wanna spend the rest of their lives with.

And it’s kinda heartbreaking… watching a girl you really like and who seemed so into all of a sudden become flakey and no longer compliant.

If you’ve ever had a retention problem but then fixed it, I’m curious to hear from you… how did you do it?

 

[DoWhatWorks]

Went through a similar thing & (kind of) fixed it.

Can find it here

 

[Derek da man]

@DoWhatWorks

Can find it here

Link doesn't work

@Mystique I have completely the opposite problem. I keep getting put in the boyfriend box which makes casual more difficult to pull off. Did you develope your style in to becoming less of a boyfriend candidate or is that just how you present naturally?

 

[Police dog]

Have sort of similar issues. What helps it get a little better is initially position everything with her the way that is doesn’t feel like a ons for her. You go on a few dates before getting in to the bedroom. You provide her some aftercare, so she doesn’t feel used. Then you see your again but instead of sex you go on a date. Not the classical seducer path but rather the classical Boyfriend path. You could also explicitly make some plans with her like “there is this place and I would want to see it with you”.

 

[POB]

Show some vulnerability.
Let her know something meaningful about you and ask her opinion to help you understand it.
Women love to nurture a man they are attracted to.

 

[DoWhatWorks]

@DoWhatWorks

Link doesn't work

@Mystique I have completely the opposite problem. I keep getting put in the boyfriend box which makes casual more difficult to pull off. Did you develope your style in to becoming less of a boyfriend candidate or is that just how you present naturally?

Fixed the link. Can find it here

 

[TomInHo]

Fixed the link. Can find it here

He says he meets them a couple of times and then compliance dries up. So I’m thinking he’s doing something very off when he’s actually hanging out with them

@Mystique could you go into greater depth in your usual process when you plan on retaining a girl?

Like…
- What is the main frame you’re setting?
- Do you follow up quick?
- Do you you let them spend the night?
- Do you show other qualities besides sexual prowess?
- Do you figure out what her initial frame is and calibrate?

The more information you can give the better because right now everyone can only help you based on assumptions

 

[Skills]

It also could be they have no rope... In other words they need a tiny hope that they can convert you for example 30% boyfriend possibility 70% lover the % irrelevant for the most part just to make the analogy

 

[Mystique]

@DoWhatWorks

Link doesn't work

@Mystique I have completely the opposite problem. I keep getting put in the boyfriend box which makes casual more difficult to pull off. Did you develope your style in to becoming less of a boyfriend candidate or is that just how you present naturally?

That’s just how I present myself naturally. Off the top of my head:

Long dread locks and piervings, No job (I work remotely/freelancer), Care-free attitude, Foreigner (Nigerian living in Kenya), I often don’t go on dates and just pull girls directly to my place for the dates, Atheist in a religious country, etc

 

[Mystique]

It’s weird… and perhaps almost unbelievable, but in a year I’ve laid over 73 women but yet I’ve failed at retaining anyone for something longterm.

It’s not really hard for me to get laid, in fact, if I wanted to lay one girl per day, I probably could achieve that.

I don’t think I’m there yet though, as there’s a certain quality of women that are still hard for me to get (although I think it’s due to me hardly meeting them —where I live is not a good venue, and I don’t go out of my way to find and approach them). The plan is to resolve this soon.

But that’s not the purpose of this post…

So here’s my problem:

I lay a girl, we meet a couple of times and the sex is out of this world (one girl told me it was the best sex of her life), and then compliance dries up.

They no longer want to meet.

It doesn’t happen with every girl. There have been several girls who wanted to keep on seeing me but I wasn’t interested. But the girls I do want though, I can’t seem to retain.

I’ve thought about this nonstop as to what might be the problem, but nothing really comes to mind.

One thing is clear though —girls see me as someone they wanna hook up with but not someone they wanna spend the rest of their lives with.

And it’s kinda heartbreaking… watching a girl you really like and who seemed so into all of a sudden become flakey and no longer compliant.

If you’ve ever had a retention problem but then fixed it, I’m curious to hear from you… how did you do it?

Update: So I thought the problem was that I communicated to women that I wasn’t going to be in their country for too long, and perhaps that made them see me solely as a lover and killed any longterm chances.

So I decided to reach out to this girl and told her: “Hey I decided to stay in Kenya. Looking to get a wifey. Can you teach me Swahili (local language”, something along those lines.

This rekindled her interest and we started talking and met up. Sex was good, company was amazing and I set up the frame that I wasn’t looking to date.

Things were going well and her compliance get on increasing daily until it burned and crashed. She no longer wanted to meet.

She told me that she wants space because she’s doing too much with me and fears getting too attached.

So now I’m thinking, is the solution to show more care and act more “boyfriendy” or is it that I didn’t set the right frame from the onset, even before the lay?

There are people successfully running fwbs for a long ass time. There are married men who have mistresses/side chicks who know their place and these relationships could even go on for years.

There are even guys who have multiple girlfriends, etc. So I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Right now I’m guessing maybe I need to set the right right expectations and iron clad frame from the beginning, even before the lay. But I dunno, oftentimes when I think I’ve the perfect solution to a problem it turns out not to be it.

 

[Mystique]

Went through a similar thing & (kind of) fixed it.

Can find it here

Can you resend this link? The one you sent isn’t working

 

[topcat]

Update: So I thought the problem was that I communicated to women that I wasn’t going to be in their country for too long, and perhaps that made them see me solely as a lover and killed any longterm chances.

So I decided to reach out to this girl and told her: “Hey I decided to stay in Kenya. Looking to get a wifey. Can you teach me Swahili (local language”, something along those lines.

This rekindled her interest and we started talking and met up. Sex was good, company was amazing and I set up the frame that I wasn’t looking to date.

Things were going well and her compliance get on increasing daily until it burned and crashed. She no longer wanted to meet.

She told me that she wants space because she’s doing too much with me and fears getting too attached.

So now I’m thinking, is the solution to show more care and act more “boyfriendy” or is it that I didn’t set the right frame from the onset, even before the lay?

There are people successfully running fwbs for a long ass time. There are married men who have mistresses/side chicks who know their place and these relationships could even go on for years.

There are even guys who have multiple girlfriends, etc. So I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Right now I’m guessing maybe I need to set the right right expectations and iron clad frame from the beginning, even before the lay. But I dunno, oftentimes when I think I’ve the perfect solution to a problem it turns out not to be it.

"Compliance increasing daily" is what stuck out to me.

To retain a girl, you need to sleep with her 3 times in a reasonable amount of time say 2 weeks, then cut down the amount of time you see and contact her to once a week or even less at times. You'll want to do this consistently for three months.

Within this time, if she is open to something longer term with you SHE WILL hint at this to you. She'll suggest you guys meet out for drinks, or get something to eat. You should agree to some of these if you'd like to but it may be a good suggestion to slowly ramp things up, and only agree to things sporadically, turning down some suggestions.

You can suggest things yourself, but do so cautiously as it is the woman's job to seek a relationship from you and not vice versa. Seeking a relationship before she is ready leads to:

Things were going well and her compliance get on increasing daily until it burned and crashed. She no longer wanted to meet.

She told me that she wants space because she’s doing too much with me and fears getting too attached.

Best.

 

[HoofHearted]

The problem might be that the sex is just not good enough. And this is a common problem. It isn't a physical problem a person has, or something about their bodies. It's usually a problem about experience and lack of education.

Average sex for heterosexual women is actually pretty bad, and most of them don't know that, or maybe don't have easy means to fix it/quality problems. So just getting above average (in reality, pretty bad) can do wonders here.

 

[Mystique]

He says he meets them a couple of times and then compliance dries up. So I’m thinking he’s doing something very off when he’s actually hanging out with them

@Mystique could you go into greater depth in your usual process when you plan on retaining a girl?

Like…
- What is the main frame you’re setting?
- Do you follow up quick?
- Do you you let them spend the night?
- Do you show other qualities besides sexual prowess?
- Do you figure out what her initial frame is and calibrate?

The more information you can give the better because right now everyone can only help you based on assumptions

Could you expand on the following things you listed:

- What is the main frame you’re setting?
- Do you show other qualities besides sexual prowess?
- Do you figure out what her initial frame is and calibrate?

How do you achieve these things, what’s your process like?

With these girls I’m either trying to establish a casual relationship or one-sided monogamy.

Yes I follow up quick.
Yes I let them spend the night

 

[Mystique]

"Compliance increasing daily" is what stuck out to me.

To retain a girl, you need to sleep with her 3 times in a reasonable amount of time say 2 weeks, then cut down the amount of time you see and contact her to once a week or even less at times. You'll want to do this consistently for three months.

Within this time, if she is open to something longer term with you SHE WILL hint at this to you. She'll suggest you guys meet out for drinks, or get something to eat. You should agree to some of these if you'd like to but it may be a good suggestion to slowly ramp things up, and only agree to things sporadically, turning down some suggestions.

You can suggest things yourself, but do so cautiously as it is the woman's job to seek a relationship from you and not vice versa. Seeking a relationship before she is ready leads to:



Best.

Interesting, I never thought of this

 

[Mystique]

The problem might be that the sex is just not good enough. And this is a common problem. It isn't a physical problem a person has, or something about their bodies. It's usually a problem about experience and lack of education.

Average sex for heterosexual women is actually pretty bad, and most of them don't know that, or maybe don't have easy means to fix it/quality problems. So just getting above average (in reality, pretty bad) can do wonders here.

It’s not the sex, I’m completely sure of this. If there’s one thing I don’t doubt, it’s how good the sex is.

 

[Mystique]

Have sort of similar issues. What helps it get a little better is initially position everything with her the way that is doesn’t feel like a ons for her. You go on a few dates before getting in to the bedroom. You provide her some aftercare, so she doesn’t feel used. Then you see your again but instead of sex you go on a date. Not the classical seducer path but rather the classical Boyfriend path. You could also explicitly make some plans with her like “there is this place and I would want to see it with you”.

Do you do this even when you want a casual relationship not bf/gf?

 

[HoofHearted]

It’s not the sex, I’m completely sure of this. If there’s one thing I don’t doubt, it’s how good the sex is.

Ok we can rule out the sex.

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

That’s just how I present myself naturally. Off the top of my head:

Long dread locks and piervings, No job (I work remotely/freelancer), Care-free attitude, Foreigner (Nigerian living in Kenya), I often don’t go on dates and just pull girls directly to my place for the dates, Atheist in a religious country, etc

That's all red flags for an LTR.

You realize that right?

 

[Mystique]

Reading the suggestions and thinking about everything I’m beginning to think the problem is that I’m not doing non-sexual activities with them.

So my plan moving forward is to do outdoor/non-sexual activities with the women I’m having sex with.

I appreciate all the suggestions. I’ll keep you guys updated on how it goes.