She knows I'm interested, now what?

[Trilogy]

Ugh! It’s been a sometime since I’ve been rendered completely stupid by a girl. Not approach anxiety exactly as this girl has been in my social circle for the past few months and we’d see each other on the occasion. Even though I’d flirt shamelessly with her when we’d meet, I’ve never really been interested romantically, she failed to pass some key screens early on including her rather frumpy-looking appearance.

Today however, she showed up looking quite fetching and I lost it. Everything I had learned and been practicing in the field went right out the window, my attraction for her became obvious and I felt like I was starting to chase. There was a moment when the opportunity presented itself to ask her out (twice!), but I relented on suspicion that my new found interest was only due to her newly attractive appearance.

The fact is she has two kids (the youngest being six-months old,) and that’s a huge barrier for me. Now that she’s moved from plain to super-cute, I find myself wanting to ‘get to know her better’, even though I know I don’t want all the kid drama. The point may be moot anyway, the last thing she said to me before storming off when I didn’t ask her out the second time is, “You’re a dork!”

Sounds like a classic autoreject to me. Perhaps not.

Is this situation salvageable if I decide I want to pursue? If so, what’s the best way to handle dating women with kids?

 

[Franco]

Hey Trilogy,

From my personal experience, the phrase, "You're a dork!" usually translates to "I like you!" in social circle. I've had lots of girls in the past call me a 'dork' who I later found out (or perhaps already knew) were interested in me romantically.

In this situation, I would say that the important thing is that you need to make up your mind first about what type of relationship you are pursuing her for. I know plenty of "young moms" out there who are willing to have a "friend with benefits" situation until they find someone willing to be their baby's daddy. But just like any situation regarding picking up women, you have to move fast, and you have to set the right expectations.

With a woman who has children, setting the right expectations for a casual relationship is pretty much the same as the expectations for a girl who does not have children: don't be an integral part of her life and don't be someone who is there to fulfill all of her needs. Invite her out for a drink, and move her quickly back to your place and try to escalate. If she really isn't looking for something casual, she can always walk out on you. If she is willing to pursue something casual, then just make sure you are clear by your actions that it is strictly casual. And by this, I mean do not offer to spend time with her children. The last thing a mother wants is her little boy or girl seeing a guy as a father figure and then having him walk out on them. Instead, be her lover that can satisfy her sexual needs on her own private time when she "needs time away from the children."

This is my advice. =)

- Franco

 

[Ross]

Well, why exactly is it that you need to be with this girl? Going from plain to super-cute means that she was probably just plain in the first place. This is why it's important to cultivate an absolute abundance mentality. If you've known her for a few months and constantly put effort out to flirt with her, it sort of sounds like you are becoming attached to her. You told us that having kids was a huge barrier for you to overcome, and if it is something that you don't want to deal with, then don't deal with it. There are plenty of women out there that are not plain, and instead sexy; they also don't have kids, which is a no-no for you.

I would suggest looking at the article on Absolute Abundance mentality, and focus on looking for your ideal girl, which already had a post on it. Don't lose your head just because one girl ended up looking sexy on some day..

 

[Chase]

Trilogy,

Good advice from Franco already on setting the right expectations and from RTB on not getting flustered because of her appearance change.

She may go back to "frumpy-looking" tomorrow. Could be that she finally pulled out her A-game today to get you to take notice and ask her out finally... and she's a little peeved it didn't work.

Women with kids tend to be a lot more open and receptive than women without, simply because their options aren't as good, and their time isn't as free. If a woman could get men who were "10s" when she was childless, throw a couple of rugrats in-tow and suddenly she can't do better than 7s or 8s. Add to that the fact that her day is night and day children and she's dying for some male attention, most single mothers are as much in search of an attractive casual partner as men are.

The kids are only an issue if you're thinking about a serious relationship. If THAT'S the case, it's better not to get involved unless you're prepared for that / open to it, or she's so incredible that she's worth it (sounds like she's not, though).

So, all depends on what you want with her.

Chase

 

[Trilogy]

Thanks guys, some sage advice here.

Franco, you’re right on about me needing to make up my mind about what type of relationship I like to have with this girl (if any) and also clarifying expectations. I see now that I was too hung up on the kid thing, which took focus off of her and whatever adventures the two of us might be able to share. From our interactions so far it seems like a casual thing could work, and for some reason I’m a little impressed that she dolled herself up just to get my attention (assuming that’s the case.)

RTB, you bring up some good points about me listening to my initial instincts, something I’ve failed to do in the past and ended up getting burned by it. I’m all about abundance mentality these days so I don’t feel there is any attachment to this one particular girl, she just happened to be very responsive to my flirtations, I wasn’t expecting it to move beyond that. Ideal girl? Hmm, interesting concept, never really thought about it before. I assume you’re referring to more than just a type? I’m not familiar with the post you mentioned, any chance you remember which one, I’d like to check it out.

Chase, “flustered” is a great way to describe it. Actually, I couldn’t stop laughing when I realized that my game was collapsing like a house of cards, it was like it was happening in slow motion. I attempted to use the humor of the moment to try and mount some kind of recovery, usually this works but my composure was already lost. I imagine this is something I’ll learn to adapt to with time and experience.

Concerning her appearance change, the fact that she’s open to self-improvement is a good thing right? Last year I was involved with girl who refused to do anything to elevate her status or value with me (it was a depressing time before GirlsChase) “You just need to accept me the way I am,” she’d say. I ended the relationship soon after.

I guess what I’m getting at is girls who put forth effort to showcase their attractiveness is what guys look for isn’t it? Does it matter if it happens before or after the first time we meet them? In all fairness I don’t know if this girl is really all that incredible or not, aside from some banter and random flirting, I never gave myself the chance find out.

If there are any further developments with this particular girl (let’s call her Eve), I’ll post them in Field Reports.

 

[Chase]

I guess what I’m getting at is girls who put forth effort to showcase their attractiveness is what guys look for isn’t it? Does it matter if it happens before or after the first time we meet them? In all fairness I don’t know if this girl is really all that incredible or not, aside from some banter and random flirting, I never gave myself the chance find out.

We humans are all short-term oriented beasts. A girl comes into work fat and frumpy one day, and nobody pays her any attention. She goes and gets liposuction that night, gets a makeover, and comes in looking hot the next day, and everybody's all over her. She eats a few too many cookies, stops caring about her appearance, and suddenly no one's interested again. Same deal with women's reactions to men over the long haul.

It's all about who you are right now, and not who you were before or who you're going to be. Kinda just the way it works...!

Chase

 

[Trilogy]

We humans are all short-term oriented beasts.

True that, I've already moved on to more interesting prospects.