Should I Let Her Go? Marriage Questions

[Tanathip]

Hi Pals and Fellow Seducers at Girlschase/Skilled Seducer,

It's been almost 10 years since I last posted, and thanks to you all again for the advice that helped with my seduction/dating. I had college life to remember for a lifetime thanks to the tips from this community.

So since 2020, it had gotten into a long-term relationship with a girl 14 years older than I am. At the time I was 24 and she was 38. At the time, I had never been in committed relationships and was on, at most, casual relationships.

We met at the bar and our chemistry really hit off. Events one after another led to us getting into a committed, monogamous relationship; and most of all, it was my first. The way our relationship was framed at the beginning was that our relationship could end at any time. With each of us being in different life stages (me still looking for fun, and her wanting to settle down)

Came COVID, and my dating game had taken a backseat. I focused on my work while dating this girl I had grown quite fond of.

4.5 years into the relationship, talks about marriage surfaced. I am now 29 and she is 43. She had been dropping subtle hints of wanting to marry and settling down with me, buying a house, and starting a family together. We are both on the same page about not wanting kids (for now anyway) so we are cool with that.

I recently decided to ask her directly about her opinions on marriage. She told me that she wants us to define our relationship (as a husband and wife) and move to the next level (I think this coincides with the 5 year drop). She told me that it is also about her and her family's dignity, and that she can fully support me as part of the same family.

I know people will call me selfish, and I'll admit. To me, there are reasons that I am not 100% confident about our potential marriage:

• Financial: In Thailand (and some countries in Asia), the culture of paying the "bride price" still exists. This so-called "bride price" is to serve as a sort of guarantee to the girl's family that the guy is financially able to support her after our committed life together. The man (or the man's family) would pay a sum of cash or in forms of valuables (usually gold) to the girl's family. It is then up to the girl's family to decide what to do with it (50% of the families may take them as the "price" for the girl, the 50% might return the cash)
  • Now, her family doesn't want my money, which is a good thing. Her sister, who is already married, said that her parents will return this bride price into a new family's joint account (so in my case, me and my girlfriend) for family spending (e.g. house reparations and maintenance, cars, etc.).
  • However, for me, the sum is quite large (in the range of $10-20k, which is huge for a third-world countryman like me). While I could save up for that sum in say, 3-4 years, I'd much prefer to use that money to invest in building businesses. I'm in my last year of my 20s and I wish not to be stuck with my 9-5 job.
  • Not to say that there are additional costs with the wedding ceremony, with the price tag almost enough to buy a small EV car.
• Emotional:While I love her (or at least I think I do), there's still a small part of me that wants to explore other options. An abundance of girls out there makes my instinct scream. I'm 29, and I've only been in 1 relationship. Should I yield for more? Should I sleep with more women to know my preferences? Should I date other girls for relationship experience? An itch is always there to approach or download the Tinder app.
  • I have asked myself this question and re-read Chase's article on breaking up. To me, I feel that I value this relationship enough to not ditch her for my single life freedom (or perhaps I might be needy or whatever deep down, who knows)
  • But time is ticking, and so is her biological lifespan. She is approaching 44, soon to be infertile age. While she said she doesn't want kids, being a post-menopausal woman will reduce her market value. If I were to hold her up for another 5 years, it would be more difficult for her to find another partner at 49. She's still attractive and can still have kids. Should I let her go so she's free to explore better romantic options?
  • I know myself that I will need at least another 5-6 years to be emotionally ready for marriage: to finally commit and be a family man. But I don't even know myself either: what if I grow tired of her by the time I reach my ripe age and dump her during the most crucial part of her life? Letting her go when she is no longer as desirable in the dating market?
  • Tying back to the financial aspect of the marriage, what if our marriage does not work out? I have not tried living together with her, but again I also know myself: I value my private space, and not even my mom can invade that. I cannot sleep well when I share beds with her, etc, etc. If our marriage does not work out, then all the cash and effort put into the wedding and whatever comes after that goes to waste. Again I'd rather use that money to do business or learn new skills
  • While I don't feel like having kids now, I don't know what I'd feel when I hit my 40s, which by the time she won't be able to produce my offsprings anymore.

While I do not want to lead her on, I still value this relationship and all the precious memories we shared together. We had always been there for each other when we needed the most, and it would pain both of us to let her go. When I told her about my conditions above, she said she'd let me choose. If I were to let her go, she would understand and break up on good terms. If I want her to stay, then she's willing to wait until I'm ready with the marriage.

I know that indecisiveness is a major turn off and the very reason I'd lose everything, and I could sense her disappointment when I mentioned about having zero plans for the wedding.

That's why I'd love to hear from you guys. As Chase had said girls want relationships to progress while men prefer stasis or to maintain the status quo.

To summarize:

• While I want to continue my relationship with her, I don't want to let her go later down the road when her market value starts depracating
• Should I ask myself if I like her enough to push through with marriage? Nobody's ever truly ready for anything, so should I man up and push through it anyways? I know we are compatible, but I don't know if things will fall apart if we start living together. I've heard of stories about couples breaking up soon after marriage - waste of time, feelings and money.
  • Should we try rent a place and trying living together and see if we're truly compatiable that way?
• Our relationship had been, and still is progressing every day. Each day we learn more about each other, we get more involved with each other's life, her family knows me and I also help out with her side business as well. I feel like she's a close friend I can rely on and talk to.
  • The sexual chemistry is still great, even after 4 years. I'd still rate her as one of the top girls I had slept with, even till now.
  • So other than the marriage, our relationship does not really have a problem, nor has she done anything I would not tolerate, which is why it's difficult to make a decision.
• The itch to pick up new girls and try out new relationships is still there, and that I want to enjoy my life more before settling down.

Which side of me should I listen to? I want to hear your opinions and perhaps other angles I haven't thought of. Your comments and opinions are valuable and will definitely help shape my decision making

Thanks, as always!
Jay

 

[Chase]

@Tanathip,

Hey man,

Great to hear you had an awesome college experience.

I'm so happy the site was able to serve you well.

On the girlfriend, I commiserate.

When you're young, and she's in her 30s, especially if she's a youthful 30-something (in both looks and personality), it can be a really fun, great, and educational match.

I had an LTR with a girl 9 years my senior starting almost the same age as you (just before my 24th bday). She was an amazing chick. Amazing. We had a couple of great years together.

Eventually she was adamant about making it a very seriously committed relationship together. She wanted to live together; she wanted to own a house together. Etc. I was of the same two minds that you were... chick was amazing, we had such a great relationship together. It was a lot to process and I was just back and forth on it for ages: let her go? Keep her? Let her go? Keep her? I'd let her go then reel her back in then let her go again... it was a mess. Couldn't make up my mind, largely because I wasn't sure if I could replace her. She was like a soul mate.

With a lot of distance between then and now, I can tell you a few things:

1. I feel terrible for dicking her around as long as I did. I should've just let her go a lot sooner so she could find a guy HER AGE who could give her what she wanted. My own youth and insecurity kept me unable to let her go.
   
   
2. I was forced to realize that age REALLY matters. I tried to pretend it didn't matter that much, but man, it really does. Most of the time because I loved her I was blind to age. But when we had a rare big fight and she stopped smiling and got a very serious look on her face I could really see the age on her (mid-30s). I saw a picture of her when she was in her early 20s and as gorgeous as she was in her 30s, man, she was a showstopper back then. I used to think about that and think, "Man, this 9-year age gap is an unfortunate thing." She'd say the same thing about me... if I only I was older. We were just in different phases of life.
   
   
3. Ultimately... yeah. I wanted to pick up. I was still in my mid-20s. I never went monogamous with her, but I treated her like a monogamous girlfriend, and she was monogamous with me. Having to face the possibility of "just this girl, 9 years older than me, FOREVER", which felt like what it'd be if I gave her the commitment level she wanted, really just baked my brain. Not that I'm incapable of it... but I knew I'd always regret / be looking for exits / etc.

I don't have social media, but I used to. A buddy of mine had her added to his social media from back in the day when I was still on there and they connected through me. The ex went on to marry a really awesome guy who was her age, which made me super relieved (she was really hung up on me for a while & it was stressing me out. I genuinely cared about her and wanted her to be happy... but I didn't want to have to be responsible for that happiness anymore).

Anyway, buddy who's connected with her on social media told me like 5 years ago that both she and her husband are fat now.

A bit surprising, since the husband seemed to be a fit outdoorsy guy. Guess they both let themselves go post-marriage.

But man, as great a gal as she was... just thinking about it now at 41... trying to imagine myself with a fat 50 y/o woman... it just makes me want to claw my eyes out.

I guess guys are different about age. If you're cool with older women (I know some dudes are) maybe that's not really an issue for you.

Another thing I will say... I did a Reddit binge a few years back, just reading about all these people's lives. I found a bunch of stories from older and infertile women talking about marrying a man who said he was cool with not having children, then N years into the marriage suddenly he realized he wanted a kid, had an affair, knocked up the affair partner, and ditched the wife. The wife was all bitter and alone. Maybe you'll never make that switch but your equivocation here "not wanting kids (for now anyway)"... there's no "later" for her. She's 43. There's a very good chance she's already past the point at which she can have kids. You're 29. If you reach 36 and suddenly decide you need an heir, she's going to be left high and dry at 50, and probably very bitter.

I guess sometimes these age-mismatched relationships where the woman is much older can work out.

A lot of the time it is an overly-idealistic or naïve woman setting things up with an inexperienced guy, but putting herself in a position where her time is going to end up wasted and her emotions spent when the guy eventually drifts away for younger and more fertile prospects.

Ultimately you've gotta decide what you want from your own relationship.

But if you're logging on here to ask after a decade, the problem is already sharp enough in your mind that you're seeking outside counsel.

That was one of my biggest lessons with that ex-girlfriend... at a certain point I realized, "Wow, I am working really hard deliberating on this, and trying to convince myself that I should go ahead with this, aren't I? If I have to work this hard to convince myself, is it actually the right call? It doesn't seem like I would need to be doing all this if it was..."

If you decide to split with her, this article may help softening the blow for her:

How to Break Up with a Girl Painlessly (Say These Words)

A little while back, in the article on bitter women, JD asked a great question about the proper way to break up: “[G]irls easily fall in love with me, and I'm not really considerate towards their feelings. Last time I broke up with someone it almost caused everyone to hate me... Obviously that's...

www.girlschase.com

And these may help your thinking as you get back on your feet:

Get Over Your Ex: 13 Steps to (Emotional) Freedom

In yesterday’s post on ways you can lose a girlfriend, we went over the 4 things that can and almost universally WILL lead to the demise of your relationship (when you’re guilty of them): being too weak, fighting too much, bad sex, and taking her for granted. Those things happen. In fact, they...

www.girlschase.com

Absolute Abundance

“Abundance Mentality” is something that’s frequently prescribed as an answer to men’s neediness issues: approach anxiety, having a “weird” or “awkward” vibe, escalation hesitation, failure to invite women home. Anything where a guy comes off as hesitant or is nervous about achieving a certain...

www.girlschase.com

5 Things that Make Rebound Sex so Good (Plus How to Get It)

Rebound sex is a surprisingly healthy way to get over breakups and exes. But what makes it work so well? And how do you get it? Here are 5 things that make it good. I used to have a poor opinion of rebound sex. That’s a hookup someone has soon after he exits an old relationship. I’d see girls...

www.girlschase.com

Good luck,

Chase

 

[Higher]

Events one after another led to us getting into a committed, monogamous relationship

what if I grow tired of her by the time I reach my ripe age and dump her during the most crucial part of her life?

I don't want to let her go later down the road when her market value starts depracating

She's 43. There's a very good chance she's already past the point at which she can have kids.

Yeah OP, the most crucial part of her life was in her 20s. Her "market value" started dropping soon after.

You didnt lead her on so far, right? So i wouldnt take upon myself responsibilities that are not yours. You seem to always have been genuinely fond of this gal, and so does she of you. You both headed towards this due to the honest attraction you had for each other.

That being said, i suspect oneitis might be at play here.

This is your first monogamous relationship, and its quite different from a casual thing where the emotional investment is way different.

On top of that, it sounds like it "just happened" - ie. it seems it was not a conscious decision on your side. Did things get out of control early on?

Not sure whats the best choice for you now. But if its either marriage with a gal thats great but that im not so sure about long-term, or back to pickup, i know what id choose.

 

[Tanathip]

Hey @Chase ,

Thanks a lot for your insights, and they couldn't come at a better time. Thanks for putting your time into reading about my dilemma and sharing your story/POV. Also glad to hear that your ex was able to find her happiness.

I also had a girl a few years back who was my FWB, who was adamant about getting a relationship with me. At the time, it was easier for me to make my decision. I had only been seeing/dating her for 6 months, and I knew I didn't love her. I decided to gently let her go, explaining reasons why we wouldn't be compatible.

She got married last year, to the guy she loved and loved her back. I couldn't be any happier for her. I guess your sentence summarizes everything I felt/am feeling:

I genuinely cared about her and wanted her to be happy... but I didn't want to have to be responsible for that happiness anymore).

Having to face the possibility of "just this girl, 9 years older than me, FOREVER", which felt like what it'd be if I gave her the commitment level she wanted, really just baked my brain.

This part hit my sore spot. Yes, I had imagined myself with her years into the future: Myself at 35, still ripe to either continue dating young girls or start a family even, while my girl would be venturing into her 50s. While I don't have issues dating old ladies per se, but by then, our life goals may diverge even further (Me at 35: buying assets, making investments, traveling / Her at 50: Provident funds, job security, retirement homes)

I probably would have that feeling of regret that I hadn't spent my youthful years to the fullest. Admittedly I had regressed a lot during COVID and seclusion time, to which I admit falling into my comfort zone.

I've read your article on age and understand that I am not that old to restart my dating life. I also realized that I have a 30-phobia, where I feel anxiety as my age advanced to my 30s. What would I be missing out on if I don't act now? (Travel, business, girls, etc.) I even had a passing thought of enrolling in Masters Program so I could re-live (or emulate part of) my college life.

You're 29. If you reach 36 and suddenly decide you need an heir, she's going to be left high and dry at 50, and probably very bitter.

This is the very outcome I'd like to avoid. I don't want to ditch her when she's already that age, alone and bitter.

The good news is that she is still fertile. She regularly visits a gynecologist after her recent ovarian tumor removal surgery. The doctor confirms that her eggs are still healthy and is perfectly capable of producing offspring, though the time is ticking. And if a man her age (or any age ready to settle down) meets her, she may be "the girl" for him.

"Wow, I am working really hard deliberating on this, and trying to convince myself that I should go ahead with this, aren't I? If I have to work this hard to convince myself, is it actually the right call? It doesn't seem like I would need to be doing all this if it was..."

I never know for sure, but your thought resonates with me. My girlfriend even told me that she may not be "the one" for me, given that I wouldn't need this much convincing to settle down with her otherwise.

I will give myself time and put deep thoughts into this. This girl helped me grow as a person and for that, I am forever indebted to her. But as you said, time is running and my indecisiveness may lead to the worst possible outcome (me cheating on her for an heir, and leaving her at a much older age).

I will make the choice I won't regret, and will come back to this post again and again. Thanks a lot for answering

Above and Beyond,
Jay

 

[Tanathip]

Hi @Higher

You didnt lead her on so far, right? So i wouldnt take upon myself responsibilities that are not yours. You seem to always have been genuinely fond of this gal, and so does she of you. You both headed towards this due to the honest attraction you had for each other.

We had a genuinely fruitful, amazing relationship. Our attractions were mutual, and even at this time of saying, I am still attracted to her. While I'm OK with dating her like this, the thought of getting married to her gave me cold feet. At this point, the talk about marriage is still sporadic, and she said she understood we wouldn't "be married by this or next year". It does imply however that she may be expecting an answer by the third year or so.

I did ask her "What would you do if I don't marry you in 3-4 years from now?" Her answer was "I don't know either...but if you showed signs of wanting to commit, I would be willing to wait, though (with laughter) not when I'm in my 50s please.

On top of that, it sounds like it "just happened" - ie. it seems it was not a conscious decision on your side. Did things get out of control early on?

It was. To give you more perspective, I started dating her around the time my mom passed away. It was my weakest moment, and she was the only girl that stayed by my side. When I asked her "Why would you even bother doing ABC for me anyways?" Her answer was "Because I loved you".

After her confession, I took a day to think if I was going to date her. My answer was "Well, I can date you, but it'll probably be short because we are at a different stage in life. Our relationship would probably last 2 years, though I can say I will make this relationship worth it"

At the 2 years mark, we didn't really discuss if we were to end the relationship. I just let the relationship continue its course, and it then progressed into something deeper. I guess it's my responsibility too as I lacked/didn't manage the relationship properly.

Guess this is why I am where I am at now. I want to make decisions before things get messy/ugly, leaving both of us emotionally spent.

 

[POB]

As a guy with a long history of dating older chicks, specially in my youth (including one of the big loves of my life), I'll say this blatantly:
It doesn't work!
Nothing against getting together with older chicks for company and sex, but for more serious stuff the biology just doesn't match.

e.g.: I dated a woman 10 years my senior, from 28 to 31 (she was 41 when we broke up).
As I was gaining sexual value, she was losing it...fast.

You can call it however you want...I just call it facts of life.
At 29 you are entering your prime as a man.
She already checked out of her prime as a woman.

You have WAY WAY MORE TO LOSE if you marry her.
And one day you will wanna cash that check and fuck younger chicks.
I 100% guarantee that will happen.

My advice: let her go and move on with your life.

 

[Skills]

You should let her go, cause you want to let her go, based on your post you are not on board with getting married.... If you wanted to get married and were 100% sure about it you would not write the post....

The post is about you and not her....

- you have 1 relationship in your life and she was 14 years older than you..... And your gut is telling you not get married, but you are just conflicted cause is the only relationship you have had and you care about her, and you are not ready to let go.....

^ this is the issue! You need to decide for yourself, don't worry about anything else...

Also this is 100% no how you get into a relationship doesn't work like this...(but this is too late anyways).... You need to learn how to properly get into a long term relationship the correct way the next time...

 

[dsky]

Hi Pals and Fellow Seducers at Girlschase/Skilled Seducer,

It's been almost 10 years since I last posted, and thanks to you all again for the advice that helped with my seduction/dating. I had college life to remember for a lifetime thanks to the tips from this community.

So since 2020, it had gotten into a long-term relationship with a girl 14 years older than I am. At the time I was 24 and she was 38. At the time, I had never been in committed relationships and was on, at most, casual relationships.

We met at the bar and our chemistry really hit off. Events one after another led to us getting into a committed, monogamous relationship; and most of all, it was my first. The way our relationship was framed at the beginning was that our relationship could end at any time. With each of us being in different life stages (me still looking for fun, and her wanting to settle down)

Came COVID, and my dating game had taken a backseat. I focused on my work while dating this girl I had grown quite fond of.

4.5 years into the relationship, talks about marriage surfaced. I am now 29 and she is 43. She had been dropping subtle hints of wanting to marry and settling down with me, buying a house, and starting a family together. We are both on the same page about not wanting kids (for now anyway) so we are cool with that.

I recently decided to ask her directly about her opinions on marriage. She told me that she wants us to define our relationship (as a husband and wife) and move to the next level (I think this coincides with the 5 year drop). She told me that it is also about her and her family's dignity, and that she can fully support me as part of the same family.

I know people will call me selfish, and I'll admit. To me, there are reasons that I am not 100% confident about our potential marriage:

• Financial: In Thailand (and some countries in Asia), the culture of paying the "bride price" still exists. This so-called "bride price" is to serve as a sort of guarantee to the girl's family that the guy is financially able to support her after our committed life together. The man (or the man's family) would pay a sum of cash or in forms of valuables (usually gold) to the girl's family. It is then up to the girl's family to decide what to do with it (50% of the families may take them as the "price" for the girl, the 50% might return the cash)
  • Now, her family doesn't want my money, which is a good thing. Her sister, who is already married, said that her parents will return this bride price into a new family's joint account (so in my case, me and my girlfriend) for family spending (e.g. house reparations and maintenance, cars, etc.).
  • However, for me, the sum is quite large (in the range of $10-20k, which is huge for a third-world countryman like me). While I could save up for that sum in say, 3-4 years, I'd much prefer to use that money to invest in building businesses. I'm in my last year of my 20s and I wish not to be stuck with my 9-5 job.
  • Not to say that there are additional costs with the wedding ceremony, with the price tag almost enough to buy a small EV car.
• Emotional:While I love her (or at least I think I do), there's still a small part of me that wants to explore other options. An abundance of girls out there makes my instinct scream. I'm 29, and I've only been in 1 relationship. Should I yield for more? Should I sleep with more women to know my preferences? Should I date other girls for relationship experience? An itch is always there to approach or download the Tinder app.
  • I have asked myself this question and re-read Chase's article on breaking up. To me, I feel that I value this relationship enough to not ditch her for my single life freedom (or perhaps I might be needy or whatever deep down, who knows)
  • But time is ticking, and so is her biological lifespan. She is approaching 44, soon to be infertile age. While she said she doesn't want kids, being a post-menopausal woman will reduce her market value. If I were to hold her up for another 5 years, it would be more difficult for her to find another partner at 49. She's still attractive and can still have kids. Should I let her go so she's free to explore better romantic options?
  • I know myself that I will need at least another 5-6 years to be emotionally ready for marriage: to finally commit and be a family man. But I don't even know myself either: what if I grow tired of her by the time I reach my ripe age and dump her during the most crucial part of her life? Letting her go when she is no longer as desirable in the dating market?
  • Tying back to the financial aspect of the marriage, what if our marriage does not work out? I have not tried living together with her, but again I also know myself: I value my private space, and not even my mom can invade that. I cannot sleep well when I share beds with her, etc, etc. If our marriage does not work out, then all the cash and effort put into the wedding and whatever comes after that goes to waste. Again I'd rather use that money to do business or learn new skills
  • While I don't feel like having kids now, I don't know what I'd feel when I hit my 40s, which by the time she won't be able to produce my offsprings anymore.

While I do not want to lead her on, I still value this relationship and all the precious memories we shared together. We had always been there for each other when we needed the most, and it would pain both of us to let her go. When I told her about my conditions above, she said she'd let me choose. If I were to let her go, she would understand and break up on good terms. If I want her to stay, then she's willing to wait until I'm ready with the marriage.

I know that indecisiveness is a major turn off and the very reason I'd lose everything, and I could sense her disappointment when I mentioned about having zero plans for the wedding.

That's why I'd love to hear from you guys. As Chase had said girls want relationships to progress while men prefer stasis or to maintain the status quo.

To summarize:

• While I want to continue my relationship with her, I don't want to let her go later down the road when her market value starts depracating
• Should I ask myself if I like her enough to push through with marriage? Nobody's ever truly ready for anything, so should I man up and push through it anyways? I know we are compatible, but I don't know if things will fall apart if we start living together. I've heard of stories about couples breaking up soon after marriage - waste of time, feelings and money.
  • Should we try rent a place and trying living together and see if we're truly compatiable that way?
• Our relationship had been, and still is progressing every day. Each day we learn more about each other, we get more involved with each other's life, her family knows me and I also help out with her side business as well. I feel like she's a close friend I can rely on and talk to.
  • The sexual chemistry is still great, even after 4 years. I'd still rate her as one of the top girls I had slept with, even till now.
  • So other than the marriage, our relationship does not really have a problem, nor has she done anything I would not tolerate, which is why it's difficult to make a decision.
• The itch to pick up new girls and try out new relationships is still there, and that I want to enjoy my life more before settling down.

Which side of me should I listen to? I want to hear your opinions and perhaps other angles I haven't thought of. Your comments and opinions are valuable and will definitely help shape my decision making

Thanks, as always!
Jay

If you have to ask, she's not the one. Simple as that.
It's very kind of you to consider her "market value" down the road. That shows you care. Of course you do. As an alternative option you could tell her you need a break to get the itch out of your system. There's potential you'd do that and she'd wait for you and you two would get back together. But she'll never be the one. The only reason to marry is if you're afraid to be alone. Sorry bro. There's no inbetween.