- Joined
- Feb 5, 2017
- Messages
- 965
So met this girl yesterday, she responded to my first message saying she'd be happy to grab drinks. I set it up for today. She actually was initially not free, but shifted her schedule so she could be (lots of initial interest from her).
We met at my usual bar, and she was pretty late arriving, and I was chatting up the coat check girl just making conversation. I think this made me look better, since I was clearly having fun with the girl. I gave her a hug, and she started standing super close to me from the beginning, and was touchy from the go to. I was pretty hard throughout, and felt some solid sexual tension, which had been missing through most of my previous dates. Just need to learn to manage it more. We looked for a place around the bar, but couldn't find any, she was standing next to me, hand against my chest fairly often. I ordered us some drinks, and told her we should move. She said she was just going to follow me. We moved to a less crowded spot, and a woman gave her seats to us. We sat down, and there was incidental touch the entire time between my leg touching hers.
I tried deep diving, but she wasn't feeding too much back to me. I learned about her creative pursuits, like writing, and interest in the textile industry. The story she was writing about was her grandma, and she said it was mixed happy and sad. I didn't go any deeper there, since she didn't seem like she wanted to share. I asked her about where she was from, and she told me she grew up near Philly, and went to a small school. I used this as an opportunity to talk about discretion frames, and how being in a big city gave you the anonymity to be yourself freely. I talked a little about my background, and tried to set myself up as mildly rebellious, and told her she seemed like she was super innocent and sincere on the outside, but rebellious on the inside.
She just stared at me after, and I asked her "what". She said nothing, and I said her eyes were seeming like they had a question. I also told her that her eyes were super distracting (because they're pretty). She said people have often told her that she just stares, and I said it's not creepy, and that she could have a weird eye and be witchlike thing.
Discussed family, how she was an only child, and was close with her parents. She actually got into her field because they were both creatives. She was super passionate about what she did, and I commented that it was awesome she was like that, and that it was refreshing to hear someone talking like that. She had moved here while having a boyfriend, and they broke up. They had broken up around November, so pretty recent. I told her that I loved being single, and that it was an adventure I wasn't ready to have end (I need to work on my delivery for boyfriend disqualification, it definitely does not come out as smooth). There was a slight jarring pause here, but the touch didn't go down.
Changed subjects a little, and talked about what she did for fun. She's a runner, and she enjoys it. At some point in this conversation, I touch her hand, and the tips of our fingers are touching each other. Also worth noting our heads were super close throughout (I'm thinking I should have gone for a kiss at a high point to really sexualize it, but not enough to ruin the tension). Because she wasn't talking as much, I had to keep prodding, which at some points made me feel like I was chasing.
When I asked her how she got into running, she said she joined in the seventh grade to flirt with the boys in it. I just leaned in and touched her back, and asked, "how did that go" with a smirk. She was just like, "it was okay", and moved on. I know I could have made a chase frame here, but I have no idea what. Saying "if I'd been in that class, I would have fallen for that" seems too easy. Maybe "If a girl joined a club I was in, that would definitely get me interested" seems better. Also curious on any other thoughts.
She's lives in the suburbs now. She asked me about my last relationship, and I told her it was actually a girl from her area, surprisingly enough. It was fun and passionate (should have said that what I liked about it was that it was on from the very beginning-we couldn't keep our hands off each other).
We talked about how we ended up in our lines of work, and she asked me. I told her a long and funny story about this.
I also mentioned I would hate living in my native country because of the amount it repressed people’s sexuality. And that here in the US it’s better because people can be free to do what brings them joy.
At one point, I grabbed her hand, since she had a band for her hair, and asked if she usually wore her hair in a ponytail. She said that when she was working she sometimes just needed to have her hair tighter. I could sense a joke here about hair pulling, but couldn't think of something in the moment. If anyone has any suggestions, would love to hear them.
I asked her if she wanted to grab some wine nearby, and she said yeah, before I had specified that it was a wine bar. Should have just invited her home, and this story would have ended a lot happier. Instead, took her to a wine bar. The vibe started going down, and I think it's because I didn't move fast enough, so I missed the escalation window.
On the way to the wine bar, she told me she was a very go with the flow kind of person and usually just winged her plans. I am very sure this was an escalation window and I should have switched plans there and said we should mix some drinks at my place instead.
On the walk I pulled her into me, which she seemed to like, yet another sign I should have led harder and just invited her home.
We went to the wine bar and had a glass, but the bubble between the two of us had gone away. The touch was also much less. Honestly didn't talk much, and much more uncomfortable pauses. Eventually we finished our drinks and headed out. I asked her what her plan was, and she said she was heading home (should have started by saying it seems too early to call the night over, then gone into a yes ladder to invite her home. All this would have been better had I just invited her home after venue 1 though). We start walking to her ride, midway through, I say the above line about how it's too early, and that we should grab one more drink. She says another time, and that she had already had 4 drinks before she met me. We walk to the train station, and I hug her, then give her a kiss, but it's not very sexual, and she doesn't seem too into it. Still, better result than I've experienced in the past.
Main lessons are to KEEP MOVING FASTER. I was bolder than I had been, and much more sexual which was good. I got hard, and experienced sexual tension during the date, which I've been missing. Now that I can view women sexually again, it's just a matter of refining my process until I get better. Specifically I need to work on leading, and pushing the boundaries. I also need to continue to listen to my gut. I had felt that I should invite her home after venue 1, but didn't listen, and I ultimately lost the girl. Need to stop overthinking things.
All in all, I'm happy with the marked improvement, but sad that I wasn't able to close this one out.
The signs that I should have gone for the quick pull were:
1. The texting-she brought up drinks on her own and cleared time out of her schedule
2. She was very quiet and expectant but didn’t lead the conversation at all, but accepted my lead for everything
3. Was very touchy on me at the beginning but it died down as the date went on
4. My gut was telling me to get a move on
5. She was a few months out of a long relationship and probably hadn’t dated in a while
We met at my usual bar, and she was pretty late arriving, and I was chatting up the coat check girl just making conversation. I think this made me look better, since I was clearly having fun with the girl. I gave her a hug, and she started standing super close to me from the beginning, and was touchy from the go to. I was pretty hard throughout, and felt some solid sexual tension, which had been missing through most of my previous dates. Just need to learn to manage it more. We looked for a place around the bar, but couldn't find any, she was standing next to me, hand against my chest fairly often. I ordered us some drinks, and told her we should move. She said she was just going to follow me. We moved to a less crowded spot, and a woman gave her seats to us. We sat down, and there was incidental touch the entire time between my leg touching hers.
I tried deep diving, but she wasn't feeding too much back to me. I learned about her creative pursuits, like writing, and interest in the textile industry. The story she was writing about was her grandma, and she said it was mixed happy and sad. I didn't go any deeper there, since she didn't seem like she wanted to share. I asked her about where she was from, and she told me she grew up near Philly, and went to a small school. I used this as an opportunity to talk about discretion frames, and how being in a big city gave you the anonymity to be yourself freely. I talked a little about my background, and tried to set myself up as mildly rebellious, and told her she seemed like she was super innocent and sincere on the outside, but rebellious on the inside.
She just stared at me after, and I asked her "what". She said nothing, and I said her eyes were seeming like they had a question. I also told her that her eyes were super distracting (because they're pretty). She said people have often told her that she just stares, and I said it's not creepy, and that she could have a weird eye and be witchlike thing.
Discussed family, how she was an only child, and was close with her parents. She actually got into her field because they were both creatives. She was super passionate about what she did, and I commented that it was awesome she was like that, and that it was refreshing to hear someone talking like that. She had moved here while having a boyfriend, and they broke up. They had broken up around November, so pretty recent. I told her that I loved being single, and that it was an adventure I wasn't ready to have end (I need to work on my delivery for boyfriend disqualification, it definitely does not come out as smooth). There was a slight jarring pause here, but the touch didn't go down.
Changed subjects a little, and talked about what she did for fun. She's a runner, and she enjoys it. At some point in this conversation, I touch her hand, and the tips of our fingers are touching each other. Also worth noting our heads were super close throughout (I'm thinking I should have gone for a kiss at a high point to really sexualize it, but not enough to ruin the tension). Because she wasn't talking as much, I had to keep prodding, which at some points made me feel like I was chasing.
When I asked her how she got into running, she said she joined in the seventh grade to flirt with the boys in it. I just leaned in and touched her back, and asked, "how did that go" with a smirk. She was just like, "it was okay", and moved on. I know I could have made a chase frame here, but I have no idea what. Saying "if I'd been in that class, I would have fallen for that" seems too easy. Maybe "If a girl joined a club I was in, that would definitely get me interested" seems better. Also curious on any other thoughts.
She's lives in the suburbs now. She asked me about my last relationship, and I told her it was actually a girl from her area, surprisingly enough. It was fun and passionate (should have said that what I liked about it was that it was on from the very beginning-we couldn't keep our hands off each other).
We talked about how we ended up in our lines of work, and she asked me. I told her a long and funny story about this.
I also mentioned I would hate living in my native country because of the amount it repressed people’s sexuality. And that here in the US it’s better because people can be free to do what brings them joy.
At one point, I grabbed her hand, since she had a band for her hair, and asked if she usually wore her hair in a ponytail. She said that when she was working she sometimes just needed to have her hair tighter. I could sense a joke here about hair pulling, but couldn't think of something in the moment. If anyone has any suggestions, would love to hear them.
I asked her if she wanted to grab some wine nearby, and she said yeah, before I had specified that it was a wine bar. Should have just invited her home, and this story would have ended a lot happier. Instead, took her to a wine bar. The vibe started going down, and I think it's because I didn't move fast enough, so I missed the escalation window.
On the way to the wine bar, she told me she was a very go with the flow kind of person and usually just winged her plans. I am very sure this was an escalation window and I should have switched plans there and said we should mix some drinks at my place instead.
On the walk I pulled her into me, which she seemed to like, yet another sign I should have led harder and just invited her home.
We went to the wine bar and had a glass, but the bubble between the two of us had gone away. The touch was also much less. Honestly didn't talk much, and much more uncomfortable pauses. Eventually we finished our drinks and headed out. I asked her what her plan was, and she said she was heading home (should have started by saying it seems too early to call the night over, then gone into a yes ladder to invite her home. All this would have been better had I just invited her home after venue 1 though). We start walking to her ride, midway through, I say the above line about how it's too early, and that we should grab one more drink. She says another time, and that she had already had 4 drinks before she met me. We walk to the train station, and I hug her, then give her a kiss, but it's not very sexual, and she doesn't seem too into it. Still, better result than I've experienced in the past.
Main lessons are to KEEP MOVING FASTER. I was bolder than I had been, and much more sexual which was good. I got hard, and experienced sexual tension during the date, which I've been missing. Now that I can view women sexually again, it's just a matter of refining my process until I get better. Specifically I need to work on leading, and pushing the boundaries. I also need to continue to listen to my gut. I had felt that I should invite her home after venue 1, but didn't listen, and I ultimately lost the girl. Need to stop overthinking things.
All in all, I'm happy with the marked improvement, but sad that I wasn't able to close this one out.
The signs that I should have gone for the quick pull were:
1. The texting-she brought up drinks on her own and cleared time out of her schedule
2. She was very quiet and expectant but didn’t lead the conversation at all, but accepted my lead for everything
3. Was very touchy on me at the beginning but it died down as the date went on
4. My gut was telling me to get a move on
5. She was a few months out of a long relationship and probably hadn’t dated in a while
Last edited:
