Small College Conundrum

[Zen]

Going through a bit of a tough time, hope you guys can add your two cents to this:

I"m currently a sophomore studying in an extremely small college; about 900 people on campus. I rarely meet new people and it's the same faces everywhere I go in college. Not to take anything away from the college itself, the students are bright and intelligent, however the small size of the school and its subsequent social hierarchy really confuses my identity.

It wasn't until Spring semester of Freshman year when I found Chase's website and really implemented its teachings to my life. Prior to that, I was a mess; I projected a tryhard front to mask my inner insecurities and my social skills were abysmal. That said, I kept to myself for the whole freshman year, rarely going out to meet new people. Looking back, that was a big mistake as social groups are pretty much congealed by now and more and more do I feel like an outsider. I have this immense sense of shame as I walk around campus, perhaps it may be delusional persecutory thoughts, but people know my face yet they never see me out socializing. I believe I have good fundamentals; I dress fashionably and don't project "nerd" externally but the incongruency I've created by presenting myself as a cool guy yet who doesn't (afraid) to go out really confuses my identity at college.

Nevertheless, my college feels more like a high school and social hierarchy is significant. I'm so conditioned in college that whenever I come back, regardless of the fact that I would be completely different back at home in terms of friends and pick up, I would revert to this socially awkward, unconfident, emotionally unstable person I was in Freshman year.

I know I'm a good person in the core, but the sense of shame I feel in school really messes with my emotions. I can't act naturally no matter how hard I try and I know I carry a "loner" reputation at school.

I've read Chase's article on escaping hierarchy mentality but I can't seem to change my belief systems. Even when I logically understand the concept, the social hierarchy at school is so overwhelming that the shame I feel about myself does not allow me to be who I really am. In many ways, my identity is restricted by expectations and the initial impressions I've given off to people at my school.

To make it clear, I'm not promoting negativity in my post as I'm meta-conscious of what is happening and who I truly am inside. That said, if you guys can add your two cents to my situation, that would be truly helpful. Thanks!

- Zen

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Perhaps instead of feeling shame about your place in the hierarchy, you might look at it a bit differently. I also go to a small school, and I've found that the best way to make new friends is to outline where the social barriers are, and have a hell of a good time breaking through those walls and meeting people "that I'm not supposed to talk to" because they'r out of my league, not in my social circle, etc. I am naturally a very independent, and somewhat rebellious person, so I personally look at making friends despite social barriers as a way of sticking it to whoever came up with those social norms to begin with. Whether you like that approach or not, you need to find an angle that makes you feel as if making friends is a challenge, but a fun, conquerable challenge. What that may look like for you, I don't know. That's something for you to determine.

 

[Chase]

Howdy Zen,

Due to that settling effect you've noted, small communities are fantastic if you enter them as someone with some of the best social skills at the outset. However, they're terrible for anyone who wants to change his position midway through. It's like starting a school play, everybody gets settled into his or her roles, and then one person decides halfway through practice that he/she wants a different role. It's tough.

My normal advice would be "start taking action and break yourself out of that shell," but the problem there, of course, is that you don't simply never see him/her again if someone rejects your dating or friendship overtures.

When I was in high school, all the guys - cool guys and uncool guys alike - were dating girls from younger grades than them - one or two grades below, usually. Girls usually date up in age, guys usually date down. I'd probably suggest seeing if you can meet freshmen girls somewhere. If you can get a girlfriend, even if she's a freshman, that probably helps reset some of the expectations about you in school, and forces people to reevaluate you. If they find you're cooler than they thought, and you go about making friends the right way, things get easier.

I'd also work on slowly starting to talk to people around me - school, dorms, etc. Just small bits of conversation here and there to ease them into you talking to them, and to reset their views of you and show them you're a social person. "How was the weekend?" "How'd you do on that test?" "What'd he say was our homework for next week?" As you get more comfortable with things like this, and as they do, start progressing to more conversation.

Then, check out this article:

How to Make Friends? The Master Key to New Friendships

... and instead of feeling boxed in, break your box. Know what you need to do, and start figuring out how to do it.

Chase

 

[Zen]

Chase,

Thanks for the reply mate, very helpful. Maybe I'm in denial but I really can't be fucked about the social status thing. It does make me feel weird and shameful but at the same time, I just really don't care enough to invest my time and "play the game". The bigger picture I see, given by the prospects of pick up, is beyond college. The silver lining in this situation is that I'm really drawing my identity from within rather than from the external environment. My focus right now is to bump up my grades and get my degree. I'll be studying abroad for the whole Junior year (sophomore now); where I can start fresh and really work on myself (like when I'm back home) without any preconceptions about my 'reputation' - really looking forward to that. Coming back Senior year, I anticipate my absence would help me start a new page (along with 2 new freshmen classes by the time of my arrival) and I could get rid of the settling effect you mentioned about. Hope I don't sound too bitter

Any insights would be appreciated!

-Zen

 

[Chase]

No, you don't come across bitter at all. Just disinterested in status.

I understand the not wanting to bother with social status thing... it's always been something rather trite and meaningless to me too.

I would advise you to spend some time at some point getting "status" (or at least the appearance and mannerisms and behaviors of someone of status) all figured out though, because even if your college status doesn't follow you elsewhere, your ability to quickly orient yourself correctly in a hierarchy you find yourself temporarily stuck in does - whether that's your status in the workplace, in a new social circle, or even just among groups of people you meet while out socializing and looking to meet new girls.

You can often skip a lot of the status games if you get very good at just being a naturally dominant, powerful guy, and if you're bringing enough of the things you want in your life from extra-circle ways... e.g., women don't see you getting women in their circle, but they see you with attractive women and don't know where those women are coming from, just that you're getting them.

Personally, I find one of the best ways for short-cutting status is going straight to the top. i.e., befriend the top guy right away (or even better, be magnetic enough that you make HIM approach and befriend YOU), and be very good at being the kind of person top guys want to have around - curious, willing to learn, and providing benefits that those top guys value that most other people cannot. When you can do that, you can quickly make friends in high places and skip a lot of the status jockeying that most people lower down in the hierarchy have to put up with.

Chase