Something Awful Happened in Her Life, How to Handle It?

[Clarity]

Hey guys,
Great website by the way, have been subscribed for awhile and really appreciate how everything is put in layman's terms. Definitely has helped me out.

Setting: Small college during the summer. Small social circle (everyone knows everyone). We began a casual sexual relationship about a week ago, she is from England and moving back in a couple of weeks when classes end so this relationship will last until then (may never see her ever again) and that is understood. Everything was going great, it was really fun. I would say I was in the 'lover' category vs. husband/boyfriend or friends.

In the last couple of days my friends said they saw her crying and incredibly upset. I went to go talk to her and she doesn't want to talk about it but says it has nothing to do with me. From what I have heard, something awful happened back home in England but it's very unclear. She has completely stopped talking to me, and has apparently shared what's going on with her best friends, so I guess she might not want me involved cause our relationship has been primarily sexual and not super friendsy.

My question is, should I just let her deal with this on her own and do nothing? My conflict I guess is between appearing like I don't really give a shit vs. being intrusive and bothering her. I have this urge to be there for her, but I feel kind of useless. Maybe I shouldn't even make this my problem.

Thanks very much in advance!

 

[Clarity]

Problem solved, back on track.

 

[PrettyDecent]

Hey Clarity,

Wish I could've been here earlier to give a suggestion, but not sure it would have helped as much. Out of curiosity, how was it that you pulled things back together?

Cheers,
Jake

 

[Clarity]

Hey Clarity,

Wish I could've been here earlier to give a suggestion, but not sure it would have helped as much. Out of curiosity, how was it that you pulled things back together?

Cheers,
Jake

I felt it was very important not to become a 24/7 shoulder for her problems (which I think would've taken me out of the lover category and put me into friends or boyfriend), but at the same time not act like I didn't care about what she was going through. So, I made myself available to talk if she wanted, which she continued to not go for, and her own girlfriends/other friend-zoned guy friends ended up being there for her instead. Eventually she felt better, and she was ready to get back to where we left off, and it's been like nothing happened.

Pretty situation specific but maybe others have more thoughts about this in general?
Clarity

 

[Richard]

Clarity, I'm glad things worked themselves out, it's really a breath of fresh air isn't it?
Interestingly enough, I'm planning to major in therapy, and have helped many people ranging from strangers to family to a girlfriend, but never had to apply it to a girl who was a FWB basically.

Generally speaking however, you cannot get a person to talk by simply asking them what happened unless of course they come to you seeking your guidance. But, if you're looking to help somebody out in general these are the measures I have taken:
-Offer them my ear, and let them know it
-Let them know first that I understand (bring up a similar situation to allow for clear understanding)
-Reiterate that they have my ear should they need it

My friend was actually molested by her dad for 3 years, and would talk to nobody about it (talking always makes you feel better long term) and her mom actually called me and asked me if I could talk to her and help her out, so I did. Used the steps above, and got her talking. So the general pattern is this:
Tell her she can talk to you if she needs to --> Make her feel comfortable --> Bring up a similar situation (usually a story works) --> They usually receive the story somewhat warmly or they will explode like ( You HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!) which is actually pretty easy to handle --> Eventually, she talks about it --> Ends up crying and sobbing (Reliving those encounters) --> Comfort again --> Happiness long term