Standing Up to My Father

[AsianPersuasion]

I grew up around a very emotional father that would constantly get angry for whatever reason and then take it out on me. For most of my time living in our house, I'd just stand there and let yell at me, whether I thought it was reasonable or not. As it progressed, it went from me gritting my teeth and taking it for the first 14 years, to mouthing obscenities behind his back when he was finished raging, to trying to stand up against him since the last few years.

Before this summer, before I decided to actively fight my fears and go approach girls, all my attempts to stand up and defend myself had been pretty pathetic and didn't accomplish much. As much as I tried to pretend I wasn't afraid, the fear would always find its way out... My breath would shorten, my voice would quaver, and my knees would buckle from beneath me. Despite the effort, I would always end up giving in in the end to avoid getting my ass kicked, no matter how irrational the terms...

Last night was totally different though. The computer was having problems wasn't logging in the way it was supposed to. Due to the fact that I had been previously using it and kept it on for the day, my took his frustration on me once more and began raging like his usual self.

"Why the computer not working!? Huh!?"

I had let most of irrational anger roll off my shoulders and tried to ignore it recently a number of times, and at that point, I was fed up with it.

"What in the world are you yelling at me for?" I responded.

My dad's eyes went wide when he heard me, and in the silence, I saw his face flush red as his eyes locked onto mine a for a good while. He accused me of keeping the computer on for too long, turned away and began to rant on about how it wasn't logging on, and how all his files were on that computer. My mom hesitantly tried to help him out as he went on yelling, and I left the room for water. After a few minutes, he came storming out. His face was blood red, his eyes were full of fury, and his mouth spewed spit as he began to seethe, "WHY YOU HAVE TO PLAY ON THE IMPORTANT COMPUTER!?!?"

Strangely, this time around, my knees no longer shook, and my breath was as calm as ever. My stance was grounded, and my voice was calm, collected, and unemotional.

"Is that a good reason to be yelling at me now?" I responded firmly.

My dad got up in my face, peered towards me through the top of his yes, shot a finger to my face, and said, "WHAT YOU SAY!? DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN! YOU KEEP THE COMPUTER ON ALL DAY AND NOW IT CRASH!"

I paused for a moment, took a breath, and responded calmly once more, "You neither said not to keep the computers on, nor did anyone tell me I couldn't use that one. This is the first time it crashed, and now you're pinning the blame on me and yelling at me for it."

Not a word was spoken between the two of us for about two minutes... We just stood there in our places frozen like that, staring each other in the eyes. With time, the red slowly began to drain from his face... In the end, I was the one to break eye contact to grab more water and go downstairs to work out. My dad broke the silence between us, but contained himself.

"Do you know how to fix the computer?" he spoke.

"I do not." I responded as I walked downstairs to go work out.

That was that. I went to go work out, didn't stand there to let him yell at me, and didn't get an ass kicking in the end.

Last night was the first time I've ever successfully stood my ground against my dad. Before this summer, before all of these approaches, I would have never had the balls to do that. My fear would have found its way out once more, and I would have buckled under his rage once more. This whole experience has truly been life changing for me, and though I haven't gotten an LR posted yet, seeing how much I've come from all this really keeps me going. I don't think I would have my summer any other way.

Thanks for being a part of my spiritual journey guys. Everyone that's been supporting me and giving me advice has made it possible for me to get to the point where I could stand up to my dad... Something I thought I would never be able to do.

I hope our growth never stops and we all continue to find success!

 

[northstar08]

damn, that took incredible courage.

 

[Nuncle]

Congratulations.

Sounds very similar to how my Father was, and how I reacted to it.

That moment when you finally call him on his behaviour is very liberating (for you and him).

 

[Richard]

Interestingly enough, my dad is the same way, but no longer argues with me... because! I learned a lot from psychology, my dad has a serious inferiority complex and usually flaunts his superiority whenever he can, and always yells when he's wrong. So, my dad and I got into an argument about something, "times changing, and how the value of a dollar has changed" and he ended up getting mad, throwing his glasses, stomping off, and yelling "I'm gonna kill you one of these days," so, I walked up behind him and said "Ready when you are," in a confident , back-handed way, and he kept yelling, got in my face, I was laughing and remaining calm the whole time. Eventually, I just told my dad his flaws, his faults, and exposed him to who he was because others are afraid to do so, my dad is no longer a threat to me in any way, and he knows it... He harbors a lot of resentment for me now, and refuses to offer his help for me (like I'm not used to it), but I'm proving to him that I'm worlds better than him, and he can't handle it

In the words of the late, great philosopher Stewie Griffin, "Victory is mine!"

Congrats AP! It's a surging, and liberating feeling, and it's a life changer for the better! Congrats on all your progress man, I look forward to your rivalry

 

[Ross]

Hey AP,

I like the way in which you dealt with this. The method that destroyed this fight was completely removing all emotion from the confrontation. The beginning portion of the dialogue was very shaky, however, so hopefully we can cut down on that unneeded father-son resentment .

"

What in the world are you yelling at me for?" I responded.

I know this is how you felt, but this also let emotion get in the way of things. Remember to keep a level head and understand that emotions are silly and inherent in people. This is playing directly into mirroring his emotion, as you are angrily confronting him from a point without empathy or understanding.

"Is that a good reason to be yelling at me now?" I responded firmly.

Not a good idea to try and force him into a rational standpoint. He's coming from a point of emotion, not logic. Throwing logic in his face is a good way to make him look stupid, but unfortunately this just makes him more angry as you are telling him he can't control his emotions, rather than solving the issue.

"You neither said not to keep the computers on, nor did anyone tell me I couldn't use that one. This is the first time it crashed, and now you're pinning the blame on me and yelling at me for it."

This is what I suggest everyone takes a look at. Well, the first sentence mainly. The idea of understanding emotion is to understand that it isn't going to go away suddenly. It slowly goes away.. And you certainly don't want to provide any catalysts and make the anger last any longer! The idea is to respond from a rational, empathy driven place to help the emotion to pass. Only when they are in a more level state is it a good idea to confront their past emotional expressions, and help them to understand and conquer them.

I learned a lot from psychology, my dad has a serious inferiority complex and usually flaunts his superiority whenever he can, and always yells when he's wrong.

Perhaps that psychology should be used to help your dad understand and conquer his inferiority complex and superiority? Laughing in the face of the one who has power over your living situation (or anyone for that matter) is a tool to provoke them, rather than to aid them. Something that I dislike about psychology is that it is focused on pointing out the issues of others; not on finding out solutions. Classifying others as ADHD or Inferiority complex is a method used to remove yourself from having to truly understand them. Instead, you simply place a label on them as an other, therefore you don't have to empathize with them or help them. This labeling as an "other" explains his resentment for you and refusal of help.

 

[Richard]

Ross, thank you for your reply, and this shall be a fun response. I agree that psychology for the "most part" is geared towards the negative, however, I tend to focus on the positive aspects like the humanistic perspective, as well as the modern era psychology of positive psychology founded by Martin Seligman which works to take the upper echelon of society and focus on how they got to be where they are, they focus on the good, and making people better rather than returning them to normal, something I LOVE!

My dad however, is a special case. His whole life has been based around getting another person's approval and flaunting his own status, and I've tried to help him out, but he doesn't want to admit that he has an issue with it. In all honesty, I dislike a lot of aspects about psychology because like you said, it focuses on the negative, but I use what I learn to help others as much as possible, but you have to be willing to accept help before it can take an affect. My dad, as I said, refuses to accept help, refuses to admit he has a problem with it. I've heard him out as I do with all people asking for help, because I find that actively listening then relating is a great way to get them seeking "help," so to speak.

I've helped out with ADD, bipolar disorder, somatoform disorders, and hell, even met 2 schizophrenic people in real life, and I listened to what they had to say, got to know them and how they think so I could provide the best possible help I could.

Ross, you bring up excellent points, but I'm not one who distances myself from a disordered person, but admittedly, I will distance myself from someone who will not recognize their issue even when it's blatantly staring them in the face, because no matter what help you offer, it will go unheard.

Interesting stuff though Ross, I'd love to talk more about it

-Richard

 

[Ross]

There are so many problems I want to address. But I'll focus on just one.

My dad however, is a special case.

No one is a special case.

 

[Richard]

Well, by special case I mean he just isn't willing to listen or talk about it. I'm not one to force people to accept therapy, and don't offer it unless they bring it up, but now that I know your mindset Ross, you have a charge forward! type of mind, and at this point, I don't. Anyway Ross, what would you recommend? Or what are the other points you want to bring up?