Super anxious when intentionally approaching, but more comfortable if my intention isn't approaching

[Aussiedude]

Hi all,

So I'm still struggling to get the hang of cold approach. I went out today and I just felt so anxious and uncomfortable. Like I didn't end up making one approach even though I was out for a good two or three hours. I just get this really intense anxious feeling like everybody is watching me, and knows that I'm approaching.

I get home, took a nap and decided to get dinner. I was in a shit mood after a total failure of a day and decided to eat out. So drove to an area near me only really thinking about dinner and how this day sucked.

Now as I park, I see this really good looking girl dressed in Tennis gear. . She looked too good so I approached and we chatted for a few mins, before she said she's on her way to play tennis with her boyfriend.

Now I don't get why so often when I intentionally go out to approach, I have this constant feeling of anxiety and unease. But once my mind isn't on approaching I feel so much more comfortable.

Another thing I hate, is people noticing that I'm hitting on a chick. Like if I see a girl sitting in the park and then someone else sitting a few metres away. I basically always give it a miss. I'm not exactly sure why, but the feeling/idea of somebody seeing me approach a chick makes me very uncomfortable.

So I'm just wondering how best can I overcome this general anxiety I always experience when doing a session, and how I can become more comfortable approaching infront or close by to other people.

In a quiter area when i feel relaxed, and not all amped up. I actually approach pretty comfortably and can have a good chat. It's just busy places and when I'm going out with the sole intention of approaching does my anxiety really ramp up.

Hope that makes sense, advice is very welcome as I'm really quite struggling here.

 

[James D]

Good question!

Unease and anxiety occur when you project yourself too much into the future.

When you intentionally approach, you have the added pressure that it has to go a certain way.

There's an expectation there, along with certain fears that it might go wrong.

All of these exist in the future and not in the now.

That disconnect creates anxiety.

When you're not intentionally approaching, these future projections, like expectations and fears, aren't there, so the anxiety ain't there.

Best way is to shift your mindset from "need to achieve a certain outcome" to "for the love of the game."

You should because you want to put your best foot forward and learn an awesome skill that will bring you tremendous rewards.

You measure yourself by whether you showed up and tried your best to apply what you're learning.

As to people watching you... that's just something you'll have to force yourself to do until you realize no one gives a shit.

They may glance over but nothing more. People are too caught up in their own heads to give a shit about other people.

A final note on approach anxiety: it never fully goes away.

I say that as a seasoned day game cold approacher.

If I'm off momentum, I'll usually feel some anxiety (although not as paralyzing as the early days)

I guess the final piece of advice here is:

Feel the anxiety and do it anyway.

Courage is not the absence of fear.

Courage is when you feel fear and do it anyway.

That way, you can congratulate yourself no matter the outcome.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Some really solid advice from @James D here. I am not as much of a seasoned approacher as him but I have been doing it now consistently for 8-9 months and have gotten past this severe anxiety stage pretty recently so I might have some inputs that could help you.

I wanted to make a separate post about this but have been too busy. Well, you know what let me just make that post now and I will just drop that link here in the thread later.

 

[AspiringStoic]

As promised, here is where I have outline my system that I use to overcome approach anxiety. Hope it helps.

My System for Not Feeling Approach Anxiety!

After almost a year of approaching, I really feel I have come up with a system where I trick my brain and almost completely surpass feeling any anxiety to approach girls. Bold claim I know. 😎😄. But this is not about how I have grown to not care and how I have become a stone cold pimp. Its a...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[Aussiedude]

Hey matey, phenomenal advice here. Thanks heaps, this exaxtly what I've been feeling. Been maanging 1 - 2 approaches a day. By removing the pressure of approaching and not like pschying myself up. But instead just going with the flow. Super helpful. And I feel like the approach goes so much more smoothly with this method.

As promised, here is where I have outline my system that I use to overcome approach anxiety. Hope it helps.

My System for Not Feeling Approach Anxiety!

After almost a year of approaching, I really feel I have come up with a system where I trick my brain and almost completely surpass feeling any anxiety to approach girls. Bold claim I know. 😎😄. But this is not about how I have grown to not care and how I have become a stone cold pimp. Its a...

www.skilledseducer.com