The 'Can I Face It' Test

[Will_V]

A lot of us have had the experience where we are out approaching girls, and we feel pretty low or even bad, but somehow the girls really hook and the interactions work out really well. Or conversely, we feel fine and good, but girls are closing off to us and won't open up. What gives? Well, this is often because of something called 'state', there's an article on the site about it here.

In my experience, and observations, there is basically an internal and external state, which ideally are in sync. But when the external state is very different from the internal state, it is essentially a 'fake state'. Depending on the course of our lives, the constellation of current events we are going through, and habits in general, we can be in a 'fake state' for periods of days or more. Some unfortunate souls, I believe, become so habituated to fake states that they start to lose sense of who they really are, and live in them, unfulfilled and unable to express themselves properly, for years.

A fake state is really what happens when you apply a veneer on top of the reality of your internal world. Sometimes it's very practically useful to do this - especially in professional life and regular social life, where people more or less rely on us to maintain positivity, confidence, and some appearance of enthusiasm.

As long as the difference between our real state and the fake state is not too great, and the times and contexts in which we wear them are regular and habitual, it doesn't require too much effort to put them on as needed, and the tension between them remains at manageable levels.

There is a problem, however, when we approach an attractive girl. Not only are girls very sensitive to the reality of men's psychological inner worlds, typically much more so than we are ourselves, but the approach itself brings a huge dollop of anxiety of its own, which, combined with the tension that already exists, brings our internal tension to levels that are difficult to manage. Often in this case, a man might either become very anxious, or his normal effusive, expressive energy becomes deadened as he clamps down on all his emotions simultaneously, both if which signal to the girl in no uncertain terms that this guy isn't ready to handle what he's trying to bring about. And so her defenses go up, and things go nowhere.

...

Creating a real, continuous, positive internal state is a broad topic that I don't want to cover here. In general, I find meditation, introspection, and conscious future projection/planning to be the best starting point for maintaining a healthy state of mind.

What I want to share is something, a test of sorts, that might help you gauge your current state more clearly, so you can be more aware when your internal and external states are not in sync. Sometimes, especially when you've gone through a bit of a low and spent a few days (or longer) artificially propping up your state, you can lose sense of where it is really at.

I've found this test to be most useful before making the first few approaches. Being aware when there is a bit of a 'fake state' going on helps you prepare mentally and go "oh ok, maybe I'm not in the best state of mind, let's just start up slowly, maybe focus on socializing and small talk and just enjoying things, and hopefully things smooth out as I go along".

Because at least for me, if my first few daygame approaches have unexpectedly negative results, it tends to be more difficult to unstick my emotions from that. Sometimes this galvanizes me into a much more focused and clearheaded frame of mind, and things improve - but it's best in the long term not to have to go through an unstable transition like that. Approaching is not supposed to be some kind of emotional russian roulette.

This test I call the 'Can I Face It' test.

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When you have a few moments at home, try this.

Sit down or stand somewhere in a comfortable position. Relax your body, breathe regularly, look straight ahead, and stay still. Doesn't have to be perfect, just thereabouts.

While you remain completely still and relaxed, chin up and looking straight ahead at nothing in particular, observe your internal state. Does it accelerate with increased tension? Does it grind to a halt? Or does it continue chugging along steadily, effusing out of you in a steady stream out through your face and body into the world?

It doesn't matter if it started off very cheerful, not very cheerful, or low, the question is, does it go up, down, or continue steady?

Typically, at home and without much going on, you will be in a fairly steady state, regardless of whether that state is positive or not. If it's not steady, it's a sign, in my opinion, that your baseline state is fairly anxious, and this should probably be improved before going and approaching girls.

Hopefully it's pretty steady. Now, keep the experience you just had in mind - you can repeat it any number of times.

Next time you go out, especially if you're about to do some approaches, go to a place where there are plenty of people around, such as a mall or a park, somewhere where you might normally make a few approaches. Either stand or go and sit down somewhere. Simply do the same thing - relax your body, chin up, eyes straight ahead, and keep still and don't move your body. Now move your eyes to people and observe them, look at some hot girls walking past in the distance somewhere. How does your state react?

What I have found is that when I am in a stable state (i.e. where the internal/external state match) - regardless of whether my emotions are high or low - I am typically slightly more activated than normal, but my state is steady.

But when there is a mismatch between my internal and external state, tension will usually grow until it is very difficult not to react and start moving my body to release some of it. Trying to keep still and steady, while facing directly something that provokes a slight feeling of anxiety/activation (the possibility of approaching an attractive girl) - even though in this case I am not actually approaching - becomes very difficult to do.

This is something I have sometimes found to happen even when I thought I was feeling great and calm. And when it happens, my first approaches are typically not great, and it takes longer to shake all the tension out and get in my groove.

But when my state was steady during the test, often things will go very well even in the first couple of approaches - my self expression will come out like a release, I might start getting IOIs right away, and I will feel much more satisfied, calm, and at ease with myself.

...

The way I think about this test is as follows.

When we have a substantial amount of negative emotion in response to things going on in our lives, and we want to avoid that emotion, we often bury it. And we can bury it because we don't have to face it, we don't have to look at it or turn our faces toward it. We push it out of sight and mind, and pretend it doesn't exist, and look at something else instead. We put on a socially acceptable positive mask, and soldier on with our lives.

But when we make an approach, or even look at a pretty girl while experiencing our own desire, we can no longer avoid facing an emotionally provocative event. The anxiety it produces weakens the force with which we hold down our negative emotions, and it wells up and threatens to break through into our external state. And women can see this in our faces when we try to smile, but cannot smile with our eyes, or when we try to open our body, but our limbs and joints are stiff like cardboard, as we simultaneously try to hold in and hand out. There is nothing that signals more clearly to a woman 'move along' than the trembling dissonance between the internal state of an unhappy, unsatisfied man, and his efforts to appear pleasing to her.

Even when the difference is slight, she will feel it like a fleeting breath of winter wind on a summer day, and she will not forget it, and eventually she will take leave of the interaction for good.

But even when you're sad, or angry, or melancholy, or any other emotional state, if you remain calm, and don't try to conceal it with a 'fake state', and you are unafraid of how it might show to everyone around you .. she might look at you apprehensively at first, but her wide eyes will linger, and she will look long and with satisfaction at the way your emotions and your nature express freely through your your face and your body, uninhibited, unforced, and steady, like a smoldering glow of charcoal beneath a pile of ashes.

Approaching regularly is much easier when we remain consistently in a 'present' state where there is no significant difference between our internal and external states, and it is generally positive. There are many ways to work on that - again, meditation, introspection, and clearly planning out a satisfying day-to-day life for ourselves are what I've found to be the main ones.

But it's also good to know when things might be out of balance, so we can be aware and less reactive to its negative effects, and more lenient on ourselves as we warm up socially - focusing on relaxing, enjoying ourselves, becoming present, socializing and talking to the people around us, and not rushing into a series of approaches we aren't quite ready for. And in doing so, we eventually move past the obstacle, ending up with better results, and having more fun exploring this wonderful world full of women.

 

[Atlas IV]

What a great writeup, @Will_V - this could be an article all in itself. I'm going to try that exercise to assess how steady my state is the next time I go out.

I think the incongruence between internal and external state might be a major sticking point for me as I've been getting some perplexing results recently - good chemistry and good vibes on the approach, followed by total ghosting. The only thing that I've changed recently is focusing more on fundamentals, so it might be that I don't match the state I'm projecting and they find it unnerving.

I actually often find that my own perception of my own state can even be unreliable. Sometimes I'll think I'm in great state because I had been socializing lots that day or had some really positive interaction with a girl, but then I'll still get AA when I go out to do cold approach. In fact, sometimes the AA is worse because I'm afraid to ruin my fragile positive state with a harsh rejection.

My very best state seems to come from a day of rejected approaches that ends in a few really positive ones. When that happens, I feel invincible. It's like I need to have my ego destroyed before I can feel truly confident. Starting out the day with some lucky positive approaches only seems to amplify AA for me.

But even when you're sad, or angry, or melancholy, or any other emotional state, if you remain calm, and don't try to conceal it with a 'fake state', and you are unafraid of how it might show to everyone around you .. she might look at you apprehensively at first, but her wide eyes will linger, and she will look long and with satisfaction at the way your emotions and your nature express freely through your your face and your body, uninhibited, unforced, and steady, like a smoldering glow of charcoal beneath a pile of ashes.

By this, do you mean that we shouldn't try to hide our emotional state when doing cold approach? Like if you're feeling down or melancholic, obviously that's going to affect your mood and vibe. Is it better to do the approach even in that state rather than trying to falsely project positivity?

 

[Will_V]

What a great writeup, @Will_V - this could be an article all in itself. I'm going to try that exercise to assess how steady my state is the next time I go out.

Glad you enjoyed it!

I think the incongruence between internal and external state might be a major sticking point for me as I've been getting some perplexing results recently - good chemistry and good vibes on the approach, followed by total ghosting. The only thing that I've changed recently is focusing more on fundamentals, so it might be that I don't match the state I'm projecting and they find it unnerving.

It's always best to look first for technical mistakes before looking at state, but yes ghosting can be a sign that the 'after taste' i.e. underlying vibe of the interaction was not great.

The simplest and most common reason for ghosting, which I understood only after spending a lot of time researching information on it and connecting the dots with my experiences, is lack of qualifying. If she doesn't feel that there is a rationale for why you chose her and talked to her and invited her out (beyond that she's hot and you want to bang) she will not feel compelled to invest in anything after the approach. She will say to herself like "ok that was fun, but I didn't feel anything real".

Now the issue can also be your vibe, if you are not projecting yourself outward and she isn't feeling your presence, it can contribute to the same feeling - she's not feeling you. In any case, what usually works well is to give her (by telling her directly) a clear sense of what you like about her that is differentiating from other girls - her personality, her style, things about her lifestyle she told you about - even just some small quirky thing that is unique to her like the way her eyebrows go up or she cocks her head when she's interested, or whatever.

One of the things that works against the chemistry of the interaction, when the internal and external states are conflicting, is that we lose sense of ourselves and our own inner world, and this in turn makes us lose sense of why a particular woman in front of us is uniquely attractive or appeals to us, which in turn makes us unable to project an authentic intent during the interaction. And women are designed to pick up on these authentic signals of when a man is truly charmed by something about her and drawn to her, almost against his will - we can feel it too, because these interactions tend to require the least amount of effort, since our enthusiasm and enjoyment is so real and clearly felt to both of us.

And especially if you can verbalize why you like her, and playfully frame it as her fault with an underlying tone like 'ok, you got me to come over because XYZ about you is so charming, but you haven't proved yourself yet', while she is feeling your attraction to the thing you spoke of, then the continuation of the interaction later (on the date and so on) becomes much more appealing to her. She is validated, but there are still no promises. She is rewarded, but there are many more rewards that she will have to earn. What could be more fun?

I actually often find that my own perception of my own state can even be unreliable. Sometimes I'll think I'm in great state because I had been socializing lots that day or had some really positive interaction with a girl, but then I'll still get AA when I go out to do cold approach. In fact, sometimes the AA is worse because I'm afraid to ruin my fragile positive state with a harsh rejection.

Yeah this is exactly what my post is addressing. You are afraid to feel anxiety or uneasiness, because you feel like it will ruin what little social currency you have left. This will make you very defensive and risk-avoidant during the approach, and she will pick up on it.

It is also the mentality of a very poor man - 'I have 20 cents left of positivity, can I buy anything with that?' - that's not seductive at all, and it devalues the entire rest of your emotional world, as if all of it doesn't have any value. What she wants is to feel who you are, to feel your presence, your truth and desire, she's already gotten plenty of pseudo-positivity from all the water cooler conversations she's had that day. She wants to feel something real and spontaneously alive, whether it's sunshine or a rumbling thunderstorm it doesn't make a whole lot of difference.

The one thing you want to make sure of all the time, regardless of what state you are in, is to be deeply relaxed and self-contained. Because women simply don't have the resources to deal with a man who seems like his state could suddenly shift in an unexpected direction, it's her number one warning signal and short-circuits everything else. And incidentally, when your internal and external states don't match, the tension that this produces is created by the question "what will happen though when they do match?" and women won't want to hang around to find out, nor will anyone else. And if you are tense as well, well it seems like you aren't too keen to find out either.

But even when you are processing sadness or anger or melancholy some other emotion, if you are comfortable and relaxed around it, she will feel the same way.

Think of it like this: imagine there's a very scary looking dog sitting alone on the sidewalk, it has huge jaws, it's big and fierce-looking and has those eyes that glow like there's some kind of furnace burning inside it. It's not 'smiling' in any way whatsoever, just sitting still and staring ahead. While it makes you feel very uneasy, it's also kind of magnificent, there's something powerful and compelling about it. But you don't want to take risks, and since it's sitting there alone, you have no reference point for how you should respond when walking past it. So you take a big detour and get on your way.

Now imagine that, sitting right beside the dog, is a man reading a newspaper. He's an affable looking guy, well-dressed, completely calm and relaxed, and absorbed in what he's reading. The dog's presence beside him doesn't seem to make him uncomfortable or tense, nor does his presence disturb the dog. And in a way, the two of them together make the whole scene even more intriguing, alluring, and powerful. Now this guy, who would otherwise be nondescript, seems to possess some capability or dimension you wouldn't have guessed. And the dog seems to also possess another dimension in the direction of what the guy represents.

As you look at the two of them, the guy looks up, notices your stare, and smiles, very calm and very relaxed. And the two of you start talking and have a good conversation.

In this case, did the dog get in the way of the interaction, or help it? But if the man himself had seemed uncomfortable or tense whatsoever, you would have doubtless given the both of them twice as much of a wide berth as before.

That's the way it is with your inner state, it is sometimes like a scary but magnificent dog. The more comfortable you are with it, the more alluring the whole picture becomes. Now, ideally your state isn't wildly unhappy or sad or anything like that, but even when it veers in that direction, it is better to not try to hide it, and to relax with it, than to cover it up or try to conjure up a false state of positivity.

My very best state seems to come from a day of rejected approaches that ends in a few really positive ones. When that happens, I feel invincible. It's like I need to have my ego destroyed before I can feel truly confident. Starting out the day with some lucky positive approaches only seems to amplify AA for me.

Interesting, I've been the same way before. It can work very well, but overall I think it is not the healthiest way to feel. Especially in the cases where the expected 'invincible' state doesn't come, or not as strongly as one might want, or it shifts into something else we didn't expect.

It also makes preparing to go out difficult, since the start is front-loaded with negative experiences, and makes it very easy to quit.

I am also in the habit of always asking "if then, why not now?". If I am presented with some difficult or annoying path toward some reward, whether it involves time, effort, unpleasantness of one kind or another, I ask "why should I not have it now?". I'm always looking for shortcuts and ways to get what I want with a minimum of expenditure. It's the same question that got me into seduction and daygame in the first place.

If it's at all possible, I believe it's best to take the 'you' of the future that you idealize, and look at yourself and your current reality, and simply be that future self right now. Do you want to work hard to get rich so you can enjoy yourself? Enjoy yourself right now. Do you want to go through rejections so that you feel invincible? Be invincible right now. Do you want to plan and prepare some kind of big travel adventure holiday getaway at the end of the year so you can refresh yourself? Get on a train and go somewhere this weekend, or buy a tent and a hammock and a tablet stove, google the nearest forest park, and disappear into it this weekend. Want to read tons of material and content to level up your skills before talking to a girl? Talk to her right now. It is usually a lot easier to have what we want or to be the person we want to be right now, and even if we fail to get or reach it, the experience turns out to be even more valuable still.

That's why I try to be in a constantly seductive state 24/7 - relaxed, open, acting always with intent, always smelling the roses and consciously admiring women around me for all the things I like about them, always subcommunicating or communicating with them. I consider that, like dieting, what seductive habits and 'lifestyle choices' can survive into my day to day life, and what aspects of my identity I am satisfied to enact, long term, without creating problems for myself, are the ones that are worth focusing on. And it makes it much easier for me to ramp things up slightly when I need to, without having to go through big shifts of state.

By this, do you mean that we shouldn't try to hide our emotional state when doing cold approach? Like if you're feeling down or melancholic, obviously that's going to affect your mood and vibe. Is it better to do the approach even in that state rather than trying to falsely project positivity?

Yes. But it's very easy to misunderstand what it means to be in an emotional state vs a mood. Most of our mood and vibe is not actually our emotional state but a reaction to our own emotional state. If we feel low or angry or sad or melancholic or aggressive, and we want to be happy or we are afraid of being judged for nonconformity, we become frustrated and anxious and reactive toward this intractable emotion that has planted itself there and doesn't obey our commands to go away. And this frustration and angst is what mainly constitutes our vibe, not the original emotion.

True emotions, whether they are positive or negative, are exhilarating and cathartic, both to feel them ourselves and also to see them in other people - it's a big part of why we watch movies. Because they represent the different sides of our true self, the rebalance of truth in the reality we share.

But anxiety and inhibition - the two main products of a mismatching internal/external state - are never pleasant to feel, nor will it ever be pleasant to look upon someone else experiencing them, because it is fundamentally a blockage of emotion and expression, rather than a true emotional state of its own.

The more of your internal truth you can express, without losing your serenity, tranquility, and self-containment, the more positive tension you create, and the more force lies behind every thing you say or do. If you can still be effusive, and present, and outwardly expressive, while feeling a certain way, it won't be as much of an obstacle as it seems, and might even make you more compelling than you would otherwise be.