- Joined
- May 12, 2018
- Messages
- 6
Hello !
I'm a 22 year old student living in Europe. This journal shall document how I beat depression, get my life in my hands and lose my virginity. I was already on a good track moving towards these objectives last fall, however in the first week of march I crashed out this positive spiral and didn't manage to get back into it ever since. I hope that this semi-public journal will keep me accountable.
Journal title
In many ways I feel like the gods have always been generous to me. I was smart enough to effortlessly stagger trough life and attain most academic goals I could set, despite never putting much effort into it. I'm good looking enough for beautiful girls to pursue me. I've found really close friendships almost by accident. And even while having some differences with my family, complaining about i, would certainly be ungrateful.
Yet here I'm a 22-year old virgin, depressed, slowly watching have every edge he was given is slowly slipping away. Wasting his days and obsessing about the past and in this way slowly but surely destroying his future. The days of waiting for the gods to solve my problems have to end, because they don't seem to take care of that anymore. However, I can do it on my own..
Username
My username is an allusion to one of the first chapters of "Thus spoke Zarathustra". The german wording, literarily "The Tightrope Dancers" seems more fitting tough.
Background
I come from a well educated, conservative and quite religious family. My parents did their best to raise me according to idealistic, yet also really naive values. As a kid I used to play a lot of soccer, watch movies and read books. Socialising in itself never was a priority, but I usually came along with my classmates well enough.
I hit puberty and got to a new school at the same time. Things started to change around that time. On the bright side I formed some close, lasting friendships around that time. My sex drive became apparent and I started to take care of my fundamentals. At a school of around 1000 people, girls I never even had talked to, had a crush on me. A hand full even tried to make something happen, however I always displayed rejecting behaviour, partly because I didn't have enough social awareness to interpret their action correctly and partly because I kind of excluded the hypothesis, that a girl could be sexually interested, from the beginning. Except for comedic purposes there is no point in elaborating on those stories. After graduation I once told a girl from that school about my virginity and she smiled strangely telling me "It would have been so easy for you to get laid!"
In the background a lot of emotional things were happening tough: As a child my parents kept sexuality, violence or human destructiveness out of my life. Every book I ever got to read was about how the good guys win against the bad and despicable guys. I was also taken to Church each Sunday an developed something akin to religious faith (as far as someone in his early teens can do that).
However what I had meanwhile picked up about the world seemed to contradict all those ideas strongly. Cynicism and arrogance replaced naivety and I started reading a lot of very different books and watching different movies than before. Drinking became rampant and the only thing that kept me going/functioning was resentment and the fact that never really had to do much to excel in life.
Part of this process was also that while I became strongly attracted to girls and wanted to get laid, I was also taught that premarital sex was a sin and something my parents wouldn't contend with. I remember how once my mother came home from a visit of a childhood friend's mother. She told about how my friend got a girlfriend and they were having sex, exclaiming that this is is something that would never happen under our roof! Unless every star aligned getting a girlfriend was impossible. Therefore drowning all urges in porn, excess masturbation and acceptance of depression was the obvious choice, especially because I couldn't really asses the damage I was doing to myself.
I graduated and went on to study mathematics. As my university is close to home, my parent's wouldn't support me moving out financially I kept living with them. There were options however taking them would mean not pursuing what I'm passionate about. Therefore, I had accepted being single unless the perfect girl came along...
She almost did.
I was at a party and a girl from my high school I barely knew from seeing and never interacted with before approached me. I was to drunk to even remember her name next morning, however was still able to reconstruct that she had her arm around me the entire evening and seemed to enjoy my drunk sense of humour. Instead of seeing the obvious, I assumed that she was just drunkenly stumbling around the party until she ran into me.
The tragic part is that she was legitimately one of the hottest girls at my school. Two years later, after graduation I ran into her again at some party. Some interactions, her friend telling a bit to much and I finally after some hesitation asked her out. Few dates, great connection, first kiss, got her on the verge of fucking, however terrible logistics, moving slow and no real experience with women, along with childish honesty put an end to all chances of that happening. I hit emotional rock bottom and got more depressed and obsessive than ever.
Last fall I started finding hope again hope. I got a job as a TA, started to put some work into my studies, working out three times a week, got my sleeping patterns in order, gave up porn, started fighting my addictions. The dark haze of hopelessness and negativity started to veil and until march everything worked splendid. However in march I fell out of this spiral and didn't manage to get back on track ever since. The aim is to do it now.
Fundamentals
Physical attributes
I'm 188 cm (6'3) tall and 75 kg (168 lbs), hit the gym 3x a week and play soccer on a irregular basis.
My face is also decent as far as I can tell decent. I have blue-green eyes, big eyebrows, full lips and brown wavy. People have compared my looks to Harry Styles. I've been told and to be good looking and there are some stories to even back it up (Girls I've never talked to had a crush on me in a school of around 1000 people).
Fashion
I usually dress something like:
Chelsea boots, Mocassins -- Slim/skinny jeans/chinos - T-shirts/Henleys - longs leeve top - Leather Jackets/Long coats
Typical colours
Grey, Dark red, Brown, White, Black, Blue
Patterns
Stripes, uni, Flowers (or similar)
Fit is something I need to work on. It's kind of tough tough to, as I'm really tall but also slim. Furthermore It might be good to ad some variety.
Hair
I have brown thick, wavy hair. Overall a great basis to work on. However I haven't quite figured out what my best haircut is. Hitting a good salon and finding the answer is a priority.
Skin
Overall good, some very light acne. Cutting diary completely can fix that.
Eye contact
This is something I need to work on. I find that depending on the situation i have completely different habits. With some people I have great, while I'm really struggling with others
Posture
This is my biggest current weakness. On most photos I'm really hunched over. Seeing myself always sends shivers down my spine and I can barely identify myself with the guy I see on those images. The next 30 days are prescribed to handle first and foremost this fundamental
This journal will be structured in two chapters
Chapter I - Leaving hell
This summer want to archive the fallowing things: beat depression - use my time productively - get my fundamentals straight - move out of home.
Concerning the first and second point I had a great experience last fall. I managed to get up early, keep my schedule, feel hopeful and optimistic. It's as if someone else took over from old depressed, obsessive me. The best explanation I have is, that various resources have helped me built up a "second personality". It's as if I have two independent circuits in my head. By default the depressed, resentful, destructive is running, however a hopeful, optimistic, productive "Me" exists to and can take over control under certain circumstances. The goal is to get this "Me" running things again in the short term and to dismantle the bad "Me" in the long term.
Concerning the third point there are a few things I just need to do:
1) get some more clothes (few afternoons of shopping)
2) get a decent haircut (just go into a salon)
However there are also habits I need to built
1) work on my posture
2) work on my eye contact
3) work on my walk
These shall be things I'm on the lookout while going about my daily life. Each month one of those things will be the center of my focus
Concerning moving out, I have more than enough money (earned as a TA at university) to come by until graduation. A friend suggested that I might move in with him. Fall semster is the target date.
Form
I'll post bi-weekly goals and next to each goal an amount of money I'll give to charity for not archiving it, update on them and write up the new goals afterwards. Due to the fact that this is only indirectly related to the main theme of this website I'll keep things as brief as possible. However I'll elaborate on any girlschase related topic.
Chapter II - Getting laid
As you may or may not have noticed i didn't talk about women yet. The reason for that is that I'm still living at home (nothing to uncommon among my peers) and telling my parents that I have a girlfriend is akin to a declaration of war (that's the really uncommon part). Once away from home, it's time to take action. The goal is to do this as organized as possible.
Form
weekly goals + updates combined with analysis
I'm a 22 year old student living in Europe. This journal shall document how I beat depression, get my life in my hands and lose my virginity. I was already on a good track moving towards these objectives last fall, however in the first week of march I crashed out this positive spiral and didn't manage to get back into it ever since. I hope that this semi-public journal will keep me accountable.
Journal title
In many ways I feel like the gods have always been generous to me. I was smart enough to effortlessly stagger trough life and attain most academic goals I could set, despite never putting much effort into it. I'm good looking enough for beautiful girls to pursue me. I've found really close friendships almost by accident. And even while having some differences with my family, complaining about i, would certainly be ungrateful.
Yet here I'm a 22-year old virgin, depressed, slowly watching have every edge he was given is slowly slipping away. Wasting his days and obsessing about the past and in this way slowly but surely destroying his future. The days of waiting for the gods to solve my problems have to end, because they don't seem to take care of that anymore. However, I can do it on my own..
Username
My username is an allusion to one of the first chapters of "Thus spoke Zarathustra". The german wording, literarily "The Tightrope Dancers" seems more fitting tough.
Background
I come from a well educated, conservative and quite religious family. My parents did their best to raise me according to idealistic, yet also really naive values. As a kid I used to play a lot of soccer, watch movies and read books. Socialising in itself never was a priority, but I usually came along with my classmates well enough.
I hit puberty and got to a new school at the same time. Things started to change around that time. On the bright side I formed some close, lasting friendships around that time. My sex drive became apparent and I started to take care of my fundamentals. At a school of around 1000 people, girls I never even had talked to, had a crush on me. A hand full even tried to make something happen, however I always displayed rejecting behaviour, partly because I didn't have enough social awareness to interpret their action correctly and partly because I kind of excluded the hypothesis, that a girl could be sexually interested, from the beginning. Except for comedic purposes there is no point in elaborating on those stories. After graduation I once told a girl from that school about my virginity and she smiled strangely telling me "It would have been so easy for you to get laid!"
In the background a lot of emotional things were happening tough: As a child my parents kept sexuality, violence or human destructiveness out of my life. Every book I ever got to read was about how the good guys win against the bad and despicable guys. I was also taken to Church each Sunday an developed something akin to religious faith (as far as someone in his early teens can do that).
However what I had meanwhile picked up about the world seemed to contradict all those ideas strongly. Cynicism and arrogance replaced naivety and I started reading a lot of very different books and watching different movies than before. Drinking became rampant and the only thing that kept me going/functioning was resentment and the fact that never really had to do much to excel in life.
Part of this process was also that while I became strongly attracted to girls and wanted to get laid, I was also taught that premarital sex was a sin and something my parents wouldn't contend with. I remember how once my mother came home from a visit of a childhood friend's mother. She told about how my friend got a girlfriend and they were having sex, exclaiming that this is is something that would never happen under our roof! Unless every star aligned getting a girlfriend was impossible. Therefore drowning all urges in porn, excess masturbation and acceptance of depression was the obvious choice, especially because I couldn't really asses the damage I was doing to myself.
I graduated and went on to study mathematics. As my university is close to home, my parent's wouldn't support me moving out financially I kept living with them. There were options however taking them would mean not pursuing what I'm passionate about. Therefore, I had accepted being single unless the perfect girl came along...
She almost did.
I was at a party and a girl from my high school I barely knew from seeing and never interacted with before approached me. I was to drunk to even remember her name next morning, however was still able to reconstruct that she had her arm around me the entire evening and seemed to enjoy my drunk sense of humour. Instead of seeing the obvious, I assumed that she was just drunkenly stumbling around the party until she ran into me.
The tragic part is that she was legitimately one of the hottest girls at my school. Two years later, after graduation I ran into her again at some party. Some interactions, her friend telling a bit to much and I finally after some hesitation asked her out. Few dates, great connection, first kiss, got her on the verge of fucking, however terrible logistics, moving slow and no real experience with women, along with childish honesty put an end to all chances of that happening. I hit emotional rock bottom and got more depressed and obsessive than ever.
Last fall I started finding hope again hope. I got a job as a TA, started to put some work into my studies, working out three times a week, got my sleeping patterns in order, gave up porn, started fighting my addictions. The dark haze of hopelessness and negativity started to veil and until march everything worked splendid. However in march I fell out of this spiral and didn't manage to get back on track ever since. The aim is to do it now.
Fundamentals
Physical attributes
I'm 188 cm (6'3) tall and 75 kg (168 lbs), hit the gym 3x a week and play soccer on a irregular basis.
My face is also decent as far as I can tell decent. I have blue-green eyes, big eyebrows, full lips and brown wavy. People have compared my looks to Harry Styles. I've been told and to be good looking and there are some stories to even back it up (Girls I've never talked to had a crush on me in a school of around 1000 people).
Fashion
I usually dress something like:
Chelsea boots, Mocassins -- Slim/skinny jeans/chinos - T-shirts/Henleys - longs leeve top - Leather Jackets/Long coats
Typical colours
Grey, Dark red, Brown, White, Black, Blue
Patterns
Stripes, uni, Flowers (or similar)
Fit is something I need to work on. It's kind of tough tough to, as I'm really tall but also slim. Furthermore It might be good to ad some variety.
Hair
I have brown thick, wavy hair. Overall a great basis to work on. However I haven't quite figured out what my best haircut is. Hitting a good salon and finding the answer is a priority.
Skin
Overall good, some very light acne. Cutting diary completely can fix that.
Eye contact
This is something I need to work on. I find that depending on the situation i have completely different habits. With some people I have great, while I'm really struggling with others
Posture
This is my biggest current weakness. On most photos I'm really hunched over. Seeing myself always sends shivers down my spine and I can barely identify myself with the guy I see on those images. The next 30 days are prescribed to handle first and foremost this fundamental
This journal will be structured in two chapters
Chapter I - Leaving hell
This summer want to archive the fallowing things: beat depression - use my time productively - get my fundamentals straight - move out of home.
Concerning the first and second point I had a great experience last fall. I managed to get up early, keep my schedule, feel hopeful and optimistic. It's as if someone else took over from old depressed, obsessive me. The best explanation I have is, that various resources have helped me built up a "second personality". It's as if I have two independent circuits in my head. By default the depressed, resentful, destructive is running, however a hopeful, optimistic, productive "Me" exists to and can take over control under certain circumstances. The goal is to get this "Me" running things again in the short term and to dismantle the bad "Me" in the long term.
Concerning the third point there are a few things I just need to do:
1) get some more clothes (few afternoons of shopping)
2) get a decent haircut (just go into a salon)
However there are also habits I need to built
1) work on my posture
2) work on my eye contact
3) work on my walk
These shall be things I'm on the lookout while going about my daily life. Each month one of those things will be the center of my focus
Concerning moving out, I have more than enough money (earned as a TA at university) to come by until graduation. A friend suggested that I might move in with him. Fall semster is the target date.
Form
I'll post bi-weekly goals and next to each goal an amount of money I'll give to charity for not archiving it, update on them and write up the new goals afterwards. Due to the fact that this is only indirectly related to the main theme of this website I'll keep things as brief as possible. However I'll elaborate on any girlschase related topic.
Chapter II - Getting laid
As you may or may not have noticed i didn't talk about women yet. The reason for that is that I'm still living at home (nothing to uncommon among my peers) and telling my parents that I have a girlfriend is akin to a declaration of war (that's the really uncommon part). Once away from home, it's time to take action. The goal is to do this as organized as possible.
Form
weekly goals + updates combined with analysis
