- Joined
- Oct 14, 2020
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- 11
Hey everyone,
I’m sure many of you have faced these moments: an honest, critical question that feels like it could go west or south in a second. Questions about the relationship and where things are heading.
So, how do you handle these when they come up?
I’ll share two of my own experiences, including how I handled them and where I think I went wrong.
She responded with a laugh emoji to the story but seemed cold, saying, “I’m fine.”
I sensed this might be an auto-rejection—because she wasn’t sure if I wanted to see her again. So, I sent her this:
Then I asked her what she felt like eating.
She responded with Tough Question #1:
I handled it like this:
This warmed her up, but then she hit me with Tough Question #2:
Here’s where I messed up. I replied:
Yes, it was honest, but it created too much dissimilarity between our views on “moving fast” vs. “moving slow.” She ended things with this:
And that was the end of that.
Before setting up a third date, I ended things due to logistical challenges. We parted on good terms.
Two weeks ago, I messaged her on Instagram. She was invested, interested, and excited. We talked and set up a date.
On the date, she seemed more nervous than last year when she was bright and glee. Over light drinks, she asked:
She explained how last year she didn’t talk to a single man because she was tired of guessing the nature of relationships. She added:
I told her I was looking for something serious and had been for a while.
Then she asked:
I half-joked:
She stood up like she was leaving, half real feeling, half-joking. I grabbed her and pulled her back to the seat. She said:
I replied, Why would I not want to?
We moved on to other topics and planned a small trip the next day (which we didn’t go).
After that date, we talked almost every day, but I could sense she was nervous. She might have put me in the 'playboy' box. When I set up dates, she seemed nervous, and now we haven’t talked to each other.
Looking back, I think I should’ve taken the opportunity to reassure her more. I should’ve said something like:
So, how would you approach these kinds of questions?
Looking forward to your thoughts!
I’m sure many of you have faced these moments: an honest, critical question that feels like it could go west or south in a second. Questions about the relationship and where things are heading.
So, how do you handle these when they come up?
I’ll share two of my own experiences, including how I handled them and where I think I went wrong.
#1: Mona
This was a first-date lay.- I used the BF Disqualify (told her I wasn’t looking for something serious).
- Took her back to her place (she resisted at first, but I persisted).
- We had sex twice, and she was warm and affectionate afterward.
She responded with a laugh emoji to the story but seemed cold, saying, “I’m fine.”
I sensed this might be an auto-rejection—because she wasn’t sure if I wanted to see her again. So, I sent her this:
I want to meet you again. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear.
Being with you is fun, and holding you feels really nice too.
If we make up, I'll treat you to some desserts.
Then I asked her what she felt like eating.
She responded with Tough Question #1:
Why do you want to meet again? Can you tell me?
So we can understand if we feel the same way.
I handled it like this:
I don't know, it's just that meeting you felt nice, so I want to see you again. That's all.
Are you wondering about what’s next for us?
This warmed her up, but then she hit me with Tough Question #2:
I remember you mentioned before that you’re not looking for a serious relationship. When we first met, everything happened really fast. So I want to ask you directly: if we hadn’t been intimate, would you still want to get to know me?
I’m just curious; I just want to understand you better.
Here’s where I messed up. I replied:
I honestly don’t know. I’m not good at waiting, but since you’re nearby, if nothing happened between us and I was free, I might still want to meet you again one time.
I’m a curious person, and I’d still want to get to know you. But it’s just one-sided of the feeling. I haven’t had a simple, casual relationship where we just meet up and hang out without anything more happening in a very long time.
For me, just meeting without anything else happening makes the feelings fade even more. Whether I like someone or not, I usually know within an hour. I don’t see the point of dragging it out until it fizzles.
I get how women feel, but I think being straightforward and fast is better.
The reason I’ve ended up not staying with people I liked in the past is because things moved too slowly and became stagnant—If I meet them twice and nothing happens, I just move on.
For me, having that physical connection is only a positive thing, honestly. I really don’t see why we’d wait.
Yes, it was honest, but it created too much dissimilarity between our views on “moving fast” vs. “moving slow.” She ended things with this:
I completely understand.
I think you're very open and straightforward, which is really great. But from what I've learned about you, I feel like our needs or perspectives might not align very well, especially when it comes to relationships. Personally, I prefer to take things slow and spend more time getting to know each other, which might not be what you're looking for. So, I think it might be better for both of us to stop here.
Thank you so much for your sincerity, and I truly hope you find someone who matches you perfectly.
And that was the end of that.
#2: Jane
This case was different—no intimacy involved. I once wanted something serious with her. But still…- She knew from the start that I had a lot of casual relationships in the past.
Before setting up a third date, I ended things due to logistical challenges. We parted on good terms.
Two weeks ago, I messaged her on Instagram. She was invested, interested, and excited. We talked and set up a date.
On the date, she seemed more nervous than last year when she was bright and glee. Over light drinks, she asked:
I want to know what our relationship will be like? Like… what’s next for us?
She explained how last year she didn’t talk to a single man because she was tired of guessing the nature of relationships. She added:
I don’t want to be involved in something casual—it feels like there’s no goal. So, what’s the point?
I told her I was looking for something serious and had been for a while.
Then she asked:
Why did you text me back then?
I half-joked:
Because it was your birthday.
She stood up like she was leaving, half real feeling, half-joking. I grabbed her and pulled her back to the seat. She said:
So, you didn’t want to talk to me that much?
I replied, Why would I not want to?
We moved on to other topics and planned a small trip the next day (which we didn’t go).
After that date, we talked almost every day, but I could sense she was nervous. She might have put me in the 'playboy' box. When I set up dates, she seemed nervous, and now we haven’t talked to each other.
Looking back, I think I should’ve taken the opportunity to reassure her more. I should’ve said something like:
You’re not just some girl to me. I really like you, and if things work out, I genuinely want to be serious with you.
My Question to You
These tough questions don’t feel like “tests” as described in GC articles (like this) They seem more genuine—about understanding and emotional alignment.So, how would you approach these kinds of questions?
- How do you maintain the right mood and mindset when answering?
- How would you have handled Mona’s or Jane’s questions?
Looking forward to your thoughts!
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