This waitress

[LFAD12]

It's kind of a long read, and I need to vent, but it'd also be great to get some general advice and insight on these points.

Backnote: I don't have a lot of experkence with women.
I come from a place of being very scared and nervous (where I'd be shaking while freezing) to becoming more composed in the beginning of interactions.
I have ASD, so I'm slow with reading (and acting on) social cue's.
I don't have a lot of confidence.
I tend to overthink and obsess over things...

But I'm willing to work on becoming a better version of myself.

So, I just got back from Italy.

I resided in this small town while traveling through the country with a male friend of mine.

Thursday, I was out looking for shirts to buy.
I decided to use google translate to try and get advice from a local on finding good stores.

As I was standing on the street, me and this waitress had this 'moment' where we would share multiple glances, and hold gaze.

I immediately approached, showing her my phone, with the question about the stores in her native language.
She talks about it with a colleague, and offers some advice.

Now, at a certain point she picks out her phone, types something, and walks up right beside me, leaning her shoulder and arm into mine.
Initially I was like "Wait, wtf", then I snapped myself out of it, and copied the address; all the while we hold physical contact with our arms.

After thanking her, she gives this radiant smile and salutes me in this high-pitched, enthusiastic way.

Since I was too focused on find the shirt, it took me some time to realize she may have been flirting with me...
I figure it was too late as I was already in the store she recommended.

When I talked about it with my friend, he said she was probably wondering why I didn't 'get it'.

And sometimes I'm doubting if I ever will, as I have already lost multiple other opportunities (with other girls) due to me being oblivious to their signals...

Is experience the only way to fix this?

Now, as I'm going back to my homecountry tomorrow, I thought I might try my shot, since we won't be seeing each other ever again after I leave this place.

Me and my friend decided to go eat there; and if she would be working and she still seems warm and receptive, I'd ask her out.

As my friend enters the place, she's the one to bring us to our table.
I notice her being a normal waitress to my friend, but when talking to me I can hear the nervousness in my voice, which got me nervous.
I tried to remain cordial, calm and friendly, but I get this feeling she's at unease in my presence.

Her eye-contact is very shortlived, she's very short and nervous in her responses, and I get this feeling she doesn't want to interact with me.

As I was to fixated on her behaviour, I couldn't go beyond the usual stuff you get when interacting with waiters: this pls. Thank you. Can we get one of this?

After some time a colleague of her took over, and then I started feeling as if I creeped her out.

I fully disengaged, focused on the talk with my friend, and we left some time after.

His response was that I was way too neutral; way too formal; while interacting with her.
Which may have caused her to stay neutral and disengage.

But all things considered, it was the best I could do at that moment...

When I told him I thought about asking her out, he replied it's too much, in too little time, and a smooth approach is always better.

That's something I really want to work on, but it'll be a long, long road.
And instead of beating myself up over this event, I'm trying to learn from it.

So my pondering are:

- Is it even possible to be able to make a split-second decision on woman's advances?
In this case: her possible flirt with her shoulder-lean.

If so, how do you train this?

- I can't help but shake the feeling I creeped her out, yet her nerves may have meant something else entirely.
What's the best approach on a giel who seems nervous in your presence?

- I've had some similar experienced in the past where women seem to lose interest directly after the first time they gave such signals.
Almost as if it's over as soon as you miss the first ones.
(Either that, or the vibe just changes.)

Are you really done, or is there some possibility for a second chance?
What can a person do to increase these odds?

- In case of the waitress: what could've been done better in my second attempt?

Thank you for reading and helping out.

 

[LFAD12]

Edit:

I'm already back.

And the nervousness was in her voice during the start of the second encounter, which got me nervous and doubting as well.

 

[DarkKnight]

but when talking to me I can hear the nervousness in my voice, which got me nervous.

Dude... I get the inexperience but snap out of this. Up the warmth. \

His response was that I was way too neutral; way too formal; while interacting with her.
Which may have caused her to stay neutral and disengage.

this, but don't be too hard on yourself. I get a lot of girls super nervous as well and it is REALLY hard to get them to snap out of it especially when it is at their job with other colleagues of them also watching. I have always excelled with waitress types, so I know what they are about, but even then it is really hard to get through some of them.. Also a lot of things are not like you did something thing, there are a lot of attention seekers among them or girls with boyfriends. It is not always about you. There needs to be mutuality sometimes I feel that a waitress is really into me and I try to engage her in a suave way but she erects walls for whatever reason. and then after I disappear for months and come back they become much more forward, no idea why this happens. Perhaps they had time to think about me and make it a thing in their mind.

- Is it even possible to be able to make a split-second decision on woman's advances?
In this case: her possible flirt with her shoulder-lean.

I know what you mean. Micro calibration is HARD. I think my response speed has increased incredibly after I saw how I lost girls going from hot to cold, because I didnt notice fast enough that they became warm to me after their aloofness. This is trainable, but you will keep making mistakes as you are not omnipotent. None of us are. And some girls are very sensitive without giving you signs or communicating anything they just go cold.

If so, how do you train this?

by being more in the moment and less second guessing

- I can't help but shake the feeling I creeped her out, yet her nerves may have meant something else entirely.
What's the best approach on a giel who seems nervous in your presence?

hard to say... I would just up the warmth until I notice that she is becoming really awkward or makes signs she wants to go with her bodylanguage. But even then girls who like you can avoid proximity due to their shyness, which I find incredibly annoying but I digress

Are you really done, or is there some possibility for a second chance?
What can a person do to increase these odds?

There are a lot of second chances if you keep running into someone, but the way you describe it you have a big problem with your vibe. Your nervousity also makes HER nervous. She picks up on it.

- In case of the waitress: what could've been done better in my second attempt?

Thank you for reading and helping out.

Is this a venue where you want to keep returning? If not, I would just shoot my shot, at the very least give her a letter if she is really uncompliant because you do not want to waste too much time. You always want to meet more girls

But it is possible to long game waitresses... which can be really time consuming you need to have perfect state control but it is pretty expensive to keep going for the same girls, who are already getting a lot of attention. The less beautiful girls can be pretty forward to be honest. But I notice that the more beautiful girls can be more aloof (which is difficult with the environment and social control) OR can be blatant attention seekers, usually these types are more extroverts and made up.

In your case, I would cut out the nervousness, less self doubting, which sounds easy to say, but it becomes easy. And just be more open and warm to her without trying to be a defensive turtle. You need to push it forward.

But honestly you also need more experience... that is the real core issue here. Waitresses are easy to talk to but generally more hard targets for the inexperienced guy.

 

[mrman]

I’ve gotten a hot waitresses number before with no game. Well I just waited till the end. Found something to compliment. Said hey you’re cute wanna get a drink sometime, when she comes to take the check. She tells me to write my number on the receipt. She texted me the next day. Pretty autism proof just don’t freak out but you don’t have to notice any signals or say anything clever. Just go for the girls you want. In that way autism can be a dating superpower bc you don’t wait for signals. I once saw a tv show when this full on autistic guy would go for the hottest girl in the bar where the normal friends were too scared and go for more average girls. Didn’t work for himbut you’re just on The spectrum and you obviously have girls interested