Thoughts on getting approached by women...

[goldenglory]

Hello gents,

Long time follower of the blog here. I feel it's time to get involved!


First up, I was wondering - what does a female 'approach' typically look like? Just read Chase's article on this topic. It's a great read but it doesn't really go into 'how' women approach men. Obviously a direct statement or display of interest can be considered an 'approach.' But how about when a woman asks you for a lighter, randomly comments on an aspect of your appearance or makes some other situational statement? Can you consider yourself to have been 'approached' in those circumstances? (I appreciate that context may be relevant here.)

Looking back at recent nights out I feel I may have been seriously dropping the ball, re: responding to 'approaches'. To give an illustration, last time I was out the following scenarios happened:

1) About to leave club A to go to club B. Retrieved coat hidden behind a curtain. Girl comments 'wow that's a great hiding place! That's really a good hiding place!' I agree and leave.
2) Standing outside club. Girl walks past me on her way back in. Comments 'you look really angry' but with a big smile on her face. I respond playfully but don't make an effort to continue a conversation. She continues on her way.

Cringe I know. Most nights I go out, there will be a couple of instances similar to this. At the time I tend to assume that the girl is just being sociable and don't think anything of it. But looking back now, perhaps these girls are trying to 'open' me indirectly. And I'm unintentionally blowing them out hard.

Would really appreciate any input here guys! Are scenarios 1 and 2 typical female ways of approaching? Am I being extremely dense and missing opportunities here, or reading something into nothing?

Cheers

GG

 

[nino]

Yeah I noticed that hardly any woman will approach you directly. Usually, however, I found that if they decide to approach you (indirectly) they'll do so consistently or have something hesitant about them. For example, I once had a girl keep bumping into me while dancing and it took me a couple of bumps until I realized hey I actually shouldn't be making room, and when I turned around she was smiling and we started to dance.

Or if you take the hesitation, and that actually happened on Friday, a girl asked my friend for a lighter but with a very flirty smile, he gave it to her and while lighting her cigarette she kept smiling at him and would return it just very slowly and afterward still stood there smiling at him and you knew she wanted him so say more than a "you're welcome". Tried to make him go for it but he didn't and eventually she gave up.

Oh, and I wouldn't ever think "read something into nothing". One thing I've learned on my journey is to always think positive. I'm a person who desires signals myself but as I continue to grow I start to take everything as a signal. And even if they said something to you without any further intentions, it's a great way to start a conversation and show how awesome you are

- nino

 

[goldenglory]

Yeah I noticed that hardly any woman will approach you directly. Usually, however, I found that if they decide to approach you (indirectly) they'll do so consistently or have something hesitant about them. For example, I once had a girl keep bumping into me while dancing and it took me a couple of bumps until I realized hey I actually shouldn't be making room, and when I turned around she was smiling and we started to dance.

Or if you take the hesitation, and that actually happened on Friday, a girl asked my friend for a lighter but with a very flirty smile, he gave it to her and while lighting her cigarette she kept smiling at him and would return it just very slowly and afterward still stood there smiling at him and you knew she wanted him so say more than a "you're welcome". Tried to make him go for it but he didn't and eventually she gave up.

Oh, and I wouldn't ever think "read something into nothing". One thing I've learned on my journey is to always think positive. I'm a person who desires signals myself but as I continue to grow I start to take everything as a signal. And even if they said something to you without any further intentions, it's a great way to start a conversation and show how awesome you are

- nino

Hi nino, cheers for the input.

I get the 'consistency' point - definitely a clear signal a girl wants you to come over. (Not sure if I'd class this as an 'approach', but I guess that's just semantics!)

Could you perhaps clarify what you mean by hesitation? Do you mean where a girl makes a comment/does something provocative and then kind of 'hangs about' waiting for a reaction?

Definitely agree with your last point - regardless of the girls' intentions, situations like these should be capitalized upon. In either of those scenarios above, I could very easily have responded and then started a proper conversation with the old 'so how's your night going?'

-GG

 

[nino]

Could you perhaps clarify what you mean by hesitation? Do you mean where a girl makes a comment/does something provocative and then kind of 'hangs about' waiting for a reaction?

Yeah, like hesitant going away. Basically slowing down her movements so she can stick around longer. That girl on Friday, it took her ages to light the cigarette, to return the lighter and what a slow turn she did. Also noticed that with my ex girlfriend before we were together, in some situations she would become so slow, as if she wanted to try anything to be with me longer and force a reaction out of of me.

 

[--Howl--]

Couple things here:

1) If I was "coaching" a girl, and she was interested in a guy, I would tell her to walk by and make some situation comment and smile with strong eye contact. That's all most guys need unless they have some sort of shyness issues or just aren't interested. But judging by this comment, there's some confusion as to her intentions. Some people are more extreme, I've heard of a woman dating coach, who goes further with this, and tells the woman to give 5 seconds of sustained eye contact that will leave the guy no doubt that she is interested.

2) I think a guy form of autorejection MIGHT be going on here, because I've had situations where even very attractive girl, lost a couple points in my eyes if she was interested. A lot of that may have been because of my online dating, Jewish matchmaking experiences, etc. have taught me that less attractive girls show interest. And usually that's true, but I've been wrong a couple times, and sometimes gorgeous girls will GASP, say hi to you. I had one night before I was any good at this, and one of my best friends at the time was taking a girl out who was moderately attractive, but he liked to sleep with once in a while, and he was ignoring her/friend zoning her a little. I felt bad for her, and so I decided that for her birthday, we were going to get her picture taken with everyone at the bar as if they'd known her for years, and she was going to get really drunk and remember nothing in the morning but she would have all these bizarre pictures in her phone. And people at the bar were buying us drinks and playing along, and generally making her night, and as we were leaving this stunning blond girl looked right at me and motioned me over. I FROZE, and told her that I had to go back to my friends. I just wasn't ready for that level of unsolicited female awesomeness. Is it REALLY that you don't know they're interested, or does it just freak you out a little that it "feels unearned?"

3) My usual strategy when this happens is to immediately start talking and saying anything. I'll calibrate later on the fly, but generally I want to initially reduce her tension and anxiety for "making the first move," and then when she's a little more chilled out, start deep diving/moving/closing etc.

 

[goldenglory]

Thanks Nino, think I get what you mean now. This is definitely something I should look out for. Seems really obvious when you put it like this, but somehow I think I've been missing stuff like this way too often.


Howl, thanks for the input man. Lots of stuff to think about.

1) Whether they're doing things 'well' or not, I suppose it's pretty unrealistic of me to expect girls to approach 'directly'. Even most guys are pretty indirect - and flipping the coin on its head, I can full well see a guy using something like 'that's a great hiding place' or 'you look happy/angry/sad, etc' as an opener. It could well be that some of these girls are just being social, but I don't suppose it much matters. The guys I know who are best at getting laid on nights out don't actually approach a shit ton of women. They're just incredibly opportunistic. And these are without doubt opportunities. The stuff you talked about in point 3) is the order of the day I feel!

2) Your point about autorejection is interesting. If I'm honest, I think laziness and plain old lack of balls do have a lot to do with it. But I do seem to unconsciously adopt the attitude of - 'well I didn't pick you, so I can't really be bothered with this. If you're REALLY aggressive and bold then I'll oblige, but otherwise no dice.' You get out what you put in and frankly, I don't think I'm putting in enough in these situations. Another part of it is simply not knowing how to react. In future, I'll just assume girls who make passing comments are potentially interested in talking and then roll out some open questions.

Cheers

GG

 

[--Howl--]

Glad I could help. I think that a lot of getting good at this is to notice the underlying dynamics between people and the hidden stereotypes and judgement we harbor is a part of that. As I've gotten better I found that I started to categorize myself as more of a rake/bad boy etc., when I'm really not like that at all. I'm just good at connecting emotionally and sleeping with girls. But a lot of my earlier assumptions (that I didn't even know I had):

If you sleep with more than 20 or so people you become bad relationship material

If a girl sleeps with you on the first date, she's lower "value" than another girl or worse, she's bad relationship material

If a girl is into you, without you demonstrating value/opening/body language, she must be lower "value"

It's weird how much, even as a guy, I subscribed to those, especially the last one. I literally had to stop myself and say "Dude she's hot, what are you thinking, she just likes you because you're awesome." A lot of these assumptions come from social norms perceptions, and I believe the more you devalue them and start valuing someone's heart and soul (assuming of course you find her really attractive), the less hold they'll have on you, and the less hold they have on you, the less hold they'll have on her. Women will feel more liberated in your presence because you can suspend the constant judgement and mental chit chat that's so ingrained in dating, and actually see and appreciate her.

My 2 Cents.