Tricky situation in making friends

[Popeye123]

I am out of school and its difficult making friends and firming a social circle.

All my conversations go like this.

(1) I have read the article on deep diving and when I try it with people they give very half assed answers and it almost seems like they don’t want to talk.

(At that point I generally ask them if they are comfortable responding to questions asked by me and if they still give half assed answers I stop the conversation).

[[ This problem doesn’t occur with family when I converse in the same way, so is it a trust issue? ]]


(2) Conversations become one sided with only me asking the questions or sharing stories or making statements.

I generally have a child like enthusiasm (not childish of course) when talking and don’t know whether this makes it seem like I am needy.

What are some things you changed in social interactions that made you more Charming/Charismatic/easier to make friends?
Any tips?

 

[ElderPrice]

I've found that to make friends, you need a clear "why," or meta-frame for why the two of you are talking and how will a friendship benefit each other. This will help the conversation and interaction by having a place to go, rather than just small talk that serves no clear purpose, or one person trying to force a conversation.

Think about it this way: Why was it easier to make friends in school? Really think about that. School has some meta-frames that everyone is aware of, like:
- "We go to the same school"
- "We go to the same class every whatever day"
- "We live in the same dorm"
- "We have the same homework assignments"

There are clear benefits for making friends. You have someone to help with classwork or homework. You have someone to help with dorm issues. You have someone to go to the rec center with. You have someone to get lunch with in between class. Etc.

Once your school days are over, when you're meeting new people out and about in the real world, there's basically no strong, clear meta-frame anymore. To have success, what you have to learn is that YOU need to find or create that frame.

For example, if you go to a generic 'Meet new people at a bar' meetup group, this is why EVERYONE'S conversation goes like "So where are you from? Do you do these events often?" The only thing in common that everyone is aware of is that they're all in a generic meetup group to meet new people. So of course these are going to be the common questions, and of course it's going to be difficult to find someone to have a strong interaction with.

But let's say you have a passion for something. Say, soccer. So you join the soccer specific meetup group. Now you're going to have a stronger meta-frame to work with. You know everyone there loves soccer. You know everyone meets weekly to play. You know everyone has an interest working on their game. Just like school, it's going to be much easier to have conversations and make friends. There are clear problems that can be solved by making friendships.

So the takeaway for you is this: To find or create the meta-frame to make friend-making easier, you may need to first look inside yourself to see or figure out what YOU are all about. What fires YOU up. Then, at that point, seek out others with the same interests. Bam. Your conversations will go much better and making friends will be easy.

 

[Conquistador]

I have read the article on deep diving and when I try it with people they give very half assed answers

Were you expecting all of them to have exciting lives and strong opinions about everything?

and it almost seems like they don’t want to talk.

Most likely, you're going about it the wrong way.
Can you explain exactly what you're doing?

[[ This problem doesn’t occur with family when I converse in the same way, so is it a trust issue? ]]

Family literally doesn't give about convo skills so long as you're not toxic. So it could be anything.

Mostly, it sounds like a rapport/smoothness issue.

Conversations become one sided with only me asking the questions

Usually 75% or more of deep diving is listening (actively).

or sharing stories

You should only do that to illustrate a point or clarify a question you're going to ask, and make it as short and sweet as possible.

I generally have a child like enthusiasm (not childish of course) when talking and don’t know whether this makes it seem like I am needy.

Not necessarily needy, but can be off-putting. Sometimes a lot. Probably a good thing to work on.

Any tips?

I'd need more background but if I had to guess, you're often not connecting effectively when you talk to people.

Keep practicing.

Get off screens and out of doors as much as you can. Talk to strangers. Get good exercise and sleep.

Consider reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read it the way the author suggests in the intro, and don't forget to savor the old-timey voice and anecdotes.

Put yourself in the person's shoes. Then try to put on their glasses, if you can.

Most importantly, be mindful. Be present in the moment, and also do a whole lot of self-examination.

 

[Glow]

its hard to figure out where you fail when you dont show what youre doing in interactions. Outline a few conversations in a Field rapport and we can provide more direct feedback.

Potential things:
Try 1) speaker centred focus first then questions that focus on them.
eg. im always super fascinated by how people expres themselves visually... where did you get inspiration for your tatoos?
This pumps their excitement a lil and hooks for the next line.

2) Try mirroring and labelling instead of questions only - it might become an inquisition vs. you appearing genuinely curious. theres a bit more understanding here on asking questions and how to stimulate on it https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/elicitation.21849/

3) Go for initially, to make convos fun and interesting (david riker) - it is better than immediate deep diving - its actually antisocial to ask too deep questions to most people - theres an icebreaking period where you need to warm the relation up with more lighthearted convo.

What im outlining demands time and practice so dont try w a few and conclude too fast. This is heavily field proven as great social technique fyi.

 

[Beck Bass]

the article on deep diving

The thing about deep diving is it's really potent stuff and can work wonders, but you gotta escalate to it. You should be aiming to take the conversation deeper and get more emotional and inspiring stuff on your convos, but you can't force it, if the person it's not quite hooked, I think hardly they will want to share deeper stuff about themselves. To me it's more of an advanced form of escalation aimed towards closing (with a girl), rather than a simple tool to make friends easier.

@Glow is on the money about the techniques for pacing the conversation and all that... Conversation is a skill that takes quite a while to get good, and still you always will face people which don't respond to your style. It's good though that you are trying to deep dive, just maybe focus more on repartee and that more early conversation stuff, sometimes you don't even have to go that far to get closer to people

A video by Hector on the subject:

 

[Brazerprime]

im fairly new to deep diving, but the one thing I will say is that it can potentially be seen as over-eager in my opinion if done too early.


"I generally have a child like enthusiasm (not childish of course) when talking and don’t know whether this makes it seem like I am needy." this 100% can come across needy.

I agree with the poster who said find something YOU LIKE DOING a passion or something and do it in a group setting where you see them weekly or daily. That is easily best place to get a social circle if that's your goal.

More important than deep diving is vibing imo. Just as someone said, kinda mirroring what the other person is doing and basically appearing to be slightly less invested than them (so you come across less reactive).

Easier said than done, but that child like enthusiasm to me is a huge (potential) red flag that I would not do. Can really drive off a good majority of people imo.

 

[Conquistador]

Found a GC article exactly about this.

Talking to Girls Early On: Initial Light Approaches

When you approach a new girl, what should you talk about? Deep topics… or light ones? The answer is: light conversation when you first talk to a girl, if you want success. On my article “What an Average Girl's Dating History Looks Like” last year, reader 'Handome & Wealthy' commented: Here's a...

www.girlschase.com