Tried Informational First Date and Think I Blew It

[ramirezs316]

I went out on a date last week with a girl I've had a crush on for awhile. We chatted a couple times last year at the gym, I even asked her out, but she had a bf so she wanted to be friends. A month ago, I'm swiping on okcupid and I see her profile! I send her a message, we chat for a bit, then a few weeks later she gives me her number to text. So I ask her out to coffee and after some scheduling on the phone, we meet.

We hadn't flirted in text, so I was bracing myself in case she was approaching it just as friends (it's happened before). Luckily, it plays like an unspoken date with some friendly catching up. My gameplan was to deep dive and see how much of the "friend" stuff we can get out of the way. She just came from work, told me upfront how tired and hungry she was but had found time to see me. I basically knew going in this would probably be an informational date and full on pulling would take some time.

Conversation goes well. She's very into fitness, does modeling, but is actually very shy and introverted. This is a girl every guy in our college town wants, but she's tired of frat guys, bros who lift, and guys who don't know how to have a mature conversation. I'm the complete opposite of these so I'm hitting those value points. She tells me straight that she hopes for a relationship bc she's done with college life. I am too but I keep things vague and agree with her on how two people should connect. We both workout, so our passions and motivations are in sync, and we really start clicking. I get compliance from her (I've done hand modeling so I ask to look at her hands). She is curious about my twin brother and how we look different. "I'm the better looking one of course," I say. Then when I show her a pic she agrees. There's even a pause in the chat which she breaks with some laughter, and I complement her on her cute laugh. She blushes.

Two hours go by, and we both agree to call it a night and do something again when we have more time. I suggest dinner at a great place she's never been and she says yes. We hug and she says I can text her (she couldn't see texts on her new phone the previous week so I called).

I ping her the next day saying I had a nice time. No response but no biggie. I know she's super busy the next three days so I give her a call on end of the weekend. No answer. I shoot her a standard second date text the next day: "...you're very pleasant to talk to. About grabbing dinner..." And nothing.

I've been pretty good getting second dates lately with some I tried to pull home and some I didn't. But this one is baffling me. I see spots where I could have used more chase frames and upped the tension: she has a dirty sense of humor (closet dirty girl), she gets spied on at the gym (could've joked that she was spying on me last year), her bathroom is close to her window so people might see her naked (you're an exhibitionist in your free time ). But she's so logical, straight forward, and mousy that these didn't seem like hints to make big moves. I didn't go full flirt, but I didn't ignore them either.

It's been a week since the date. I'm moving on to other girls, but I did have my heart set out on her. Hard to tell if I subconsciously treated her like a snowflake or if I came with the right approach bc her schedule and our history. Honestly, I feel more comfortable if I could go for the pull on the second date, but I don't feel like I missed big moves here. Her going dark is quite unexpected. Did I handle it right? Was it foolish to try an informational date? Any idea what might be the issue and how I can approach this down the line with her?

 

[HellAtlantic]

Who knows what the issue is/was, she's a girl and is fickle. The last thing you should do is attempt to contact her again. When they like you, you'll know it. She most likely doesn't like you as much as you wish. She's moving on with her busy things and you should too. Have more options. If you had 10 other girls in your rotation you wouldn't have time for one silly girl who can't be bothered to return your texts/calls. Move on, it's for your own good.

 

[ramirezs316]

Who knows what the issue is/was, she's a girl and is fickle. The last thing you should do is attempt to contact her again. When they like you, you'll know it. She most likely doesn't like you as much as you wish. She's moving on with her busy things and you should too. Have more options. If you had 10 other girls in your rotation you wouldn't have time for one silly girl who can't be bothered to return your texts/calls. Move on, it's for your own good.

It sucks a little though because it would be so convenient to see her. She lives super close and we're pretty compatible. It would be nice to take a break from dates and focus on one person.

That being said, I am moving on. I have other girls I'm chatting with and I'll be seeing this lingerie model soon! I just like to be sure I'm making the right moves and I'm in control when I'm on the date, no matter if I want a one night stand or a long term relationship. I'm always looking to do better and mixed signals can make it hard to see progress sometimes.

 

[Bboy100]

Couple things:

1. Stop taking what she verbally says to be the truth and pay more attention to her history and her actions. Case in point:

but she's tired of frat guys, bros who lift, and guys who don't know how to have a mature conversation. I'm the complete opposite of these so I'm hitting those value points.

This is the college equivalent of "I'm tired of bad boys and I just want a nice guy to settle down with". She might say that, and she probably believes it too. But truth be told, she's probably still sleeping with said bad boys. And she's probably been saying this for years. What was her last BF like? Answer that and you'll know what she's really looking for.

And again, I want to stress that she's not saying this stuff because she's being manipulative or lieing or anything like that. She genuinely believes it. But we oftentimes think and say we want one thing, and pursue the complete opposite.

2.

Two hours go by, and we both agree to call it a night and do something again when we have more time. I suggest dinner at a great place she's never been and she says yes. We hug and she says I can text her

Why didn't you invite her home or kiss her? Sounds like you already knew this girl somewhat well, and you had a pretty good two hour date. This might have been what killed you. Very possible that you missed an EW.

 

[ramirezs316]

Couple things:

1. Stop taking what she verbally says to be the truth and pay more attention to her history and her actions. Case in point:

but she's tired of frat guys, bros who lift, and guys who don't know how to have a mature conversation. I'm the complete opposite of these so I'm hitting those value points.

This is the college equivalent of "I'm tired of bad boys and I just want a nice guy to settle down with". She might say that, and she probably believes it too. But truth be told, she's probably still sleeping with said bad boys. And she's probably been saying this for years. What was her last BF like? Answer that and you'll know what she's really looking for.

And again, I want to stress that she's not saying this stuff because she's being manipulative or lieing or anything like that. She genuinely believes it. But we oftentimes think and say we want one thing, and pursue the complete opposite.

2.

Two hours go by, and we both agree to call it a night and do something again when we have more time. I suggest dinner at a great place she's never been and she says yes. We hug and she says I can text her

Why didn't you invite her home or kiss her? Sounds like you already knew this girl somewhat well, and you had a pretty good two hour date. This might have been what killed you. Very possible that you missed an EW.

Hmm I only saw her last bf in passing. He lifted like me. Don't know if he was a bro.

We knew each other through a few chats at the gym about a year prior. Just friendly and then some friendly chatting online. She kind of went in platonically on this so that might've tripped me up. Didn't see any escalation windows but I can usually tell when to kiss at the end of the date. No opening for a kiss. But I've been on dates before where that wasn't the be all end all of the interaction. Maybe I subconsciously put her on a pedestal and didn't think I could lead her or that she would follow. :/

 

[Bboy100]

She kind of went in platonically on this so that might've tripped me up. Didn't see any escalation windows but I can usually tell when to kiss at the end of the date. No opening for a kiss. But I've been on dates before where that wasn't the be all end all of the interaction.

Yeah, ik what you mean by this. It's happened to me before. Sometimes the history the two of you have together (being friends or acquaintances with a "just friends" vibe) makes it feel off. Like it's not a date, but rather it's just two friends meeting up. Sucks when that happens :/

There are still some things you can do. See: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-a ... nonverbals
But yeah, that does make it a little more difficult sometimes. And that feeling of "platonic friends" might also be part of the reason why she had fun but still doesn't want to see you again in the context of a date.

 

[HellAtlantic]

I've been in this situation before. Twice. I won't ever allow myself to be in this situation again. Social circle game is hard. I think the difficulty comes from the two of you having more history as friends than as lovers that it becomes hard to move past that and present yourself as the lover. (Basically the only history you have are as friends and none as lovers so her only option is to continue to interact with you as a friend.) Too much time with the "just friends" vibe kills the possibility of seduction. It's hard for them to see you some other way - they've already placed you in the friend category. And then you go crazy trying to analyze and decipher their signals and the fact that you're "friends" skews things, you don't see escalation Windows because you misinterpret her signs and you also misinterpret her friendliness as an invitation to persue when she only wants you around as a friend. The signals and normal mating communication is always off with social circle. With regular random girls you don't know you can be more bold because the worst that'll happen is you get rejected and then you never have to see her again so you move on. With social circle you try to walk on eggshells because you don't want to screw something up with someone you will likely see again and again so you tread more carefully and that makes you not be dominant.

My new rule these days is I won't go out/hang out with female coworkers one on one ever again. In a group setting, yes, but I won't ever go out for drinks alone with a female I work with and am also friendly with. I was with a female coworker alone for cinco de mayo. Towards the end I asked "what are we doing? What is this?" because just like you I just wasn't seeing any signals to escalate. We were two good looking ppl and for all intents and purposes should have been well on our way to fucking that nite but the "make a move vibe" just want coming from her as they normally do when you are with someone who is interested in you sexually. I had enough of this tip toeing, weird friendly sexual vibe nonsense. She said we were hanging out as friends. I said I don't think it's necessary for us to hang out alone at a bar if she only wanted friendship (instead I said we could have our "friend" time during the day by taking a walk to get coffee from the cafeteria). She didn't like that but ultimately said I had balls for telling her that, that many guy friends probably all thought the same thing as me but never said anything. We've since cooled off considerably as friends and that's ok with me. My time and attention is precious and I just don't have enough of either to spend on someone who isn't open to possibilities. You should take the same approach. Value the gift of time and attention you give to girls. Girls are different than guys, if they can't get dick from us they are just as content getting our attention and validation. Guys tend to have more of "if we're not going to be fucking or at least be open to possibly fucking then I don't have time for you and I gotta move on" approach to females.

 

[ramirezs316]

[quote="HellAtlantic"With regular random girls you don't know you can be more bold because the worst that'll happen is you get rejected and then you never have to see her again so you move on. With social circle you try to walk on eggshells because you don't want to screw something up with someone you will likely see again and again so you tread more carefully and that makes you not be dominant. [/quote]

So true. It's not like we still saw each other at the gym (I go to a different one now). But when she had a bf, she wanted to be friends. Then on the dating app, she responded as if we were gonna go out on a date. In person it was like catching up as friends and dipping our toes in attraction. It was almost perfectly between the two. She responded well to flirts but it felt like we needed more time to get close (maybe another hour). I'm not quite skilled enough for attraction that quick. Still, I expected either her being open to another date where we can escalate or a text saying she wanted to be friends. Her going completely dark is annoying.