Unintended consequences

[Verisimilitude]

Recently I have been seeing a girl who has a boyfriend. We've had sex and its been a casual relationship, and its been fun. I've never given her the attention that a boyfriend candidate would (she texted me saying how she knows I won't call her) and I don't answer her right away. In fact, I've never brought up her boyfriend, or even responded to her attempts to get me to talk about him. I don't want to replace him, and I don't want to date her. A couple nights ago, she told me that she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend and then texted me about how much she wants me. I thought I had been setting the right frame to not be a boyfriend candidate. Am I giving her unrealistic expectations?

I also get that this might not be about me or that she has no intentions of dating me, but I'd prefer not to be the cause for their breakup. She's told me that she really loves this guy.

 

[Ross]

Some good questions here xcrunner,

Recently I have been seeing a girl who has a boyfriend. We've had sex and its been a casual relationship, and its been fun. I've never given her the attention that a boyfriend candidate would (she texted me saying how she knows I won't call her) and I don't answer her right away. In fact, I've never brought up her boyfriend, or even responded to her attempts to get me to talk about him. I don't want to replace him, and I don't want to date her.

Everything here checks out. Keep doing what you are doing in regards to not talking about her other relationships if you want to keep things casual.

A couple nights ago, she told me that she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend and then texted me about how much she wants me. I thought I had been setting the right frame to not be a boyfriend candidate. Am I giving her unrealistic expectations?

How often are you seeing her? If its anything more than a week, it may be the problem. Seeing her often presents unrealistic expectations.

I also get that this might not be about me or that she has no intentions of dating me, but I'd prefer not to be the cause for their breakup. She's told me that she really loves this guy.

To me, it sounds like a sort of guilt trip to wrap you into a relationship after she breaks up with him. And I don't blame her for this.. it's better to shift straight into a relationship to get over a previous one. For this to clear up, you may have to be direct. Don't feel bad and think that you are the cause of another woman's breakup. A relationship that was monogamous is between two people, and you are not the cause of the problems between two people. You are the revolution for her that there's something better out there.