Thanks for showing me the mindset and goals that I should go with in this trip (and sorry for the late reply). Like you and others have advised, I did try to befriend the guy before the trip, but he is kind of a dick and arrogant (maybe because of his social proof and pre-selection in the group). Moreover, he is a little egotistical and likes to dominate/boss other guys in front of the girls. So, I might have to handle constant frame battles, back-handed compliments, etc. during this trip.
How do you think should I handle those type of situations? Do I follow his commands/leadership as to not seem competing with him or challenge/ question his decisions on certain things that I might disagree with?
Looks like it's going to be a messy one. You sure you signed up for the right course...?
To be honest, I think your chances of getting together with anyone here are pretty much nil. And though it might be hard to believe, I think your biggest problem is that the dude is
not single. Because now you're going to have the cool guy who's trying to tool you and looked up to by the girls, who won't be getting laid, who would lose a lot of his status if you got laid and not him. So he's got every reason to tool and social police you until all the girls dismiss the idea of sleeping with you.
The way I see it, if you want to play by the rules, you're probably not going to get anywhere. And then the trip will be done, you'll never see them again, and you'll have the vague feeling that you got owned by life.
The way I look at life, a failure is a failure when it's under my control. The rest of the time, it's just fate. If you are going to lose, you might as well do it 'speaking the King's' as they say.
So here's what I would do. First, my rules:
- Don't swing first (metaphorically or otherwise).
- Never ever get emotional or frustrated.
- Never ever blame the girls or get mad at them (nature's little spectators).
- Play with boundaries.
- Enjoy yourself.
Then it's very simple. Go in expecting things to go well (treat everyone well, be nice, offer positivity and value, all that kind of stuff). Do what you need to do to satisfy yourself that had things gone well, you would have contributed to making it even better. And if it does go well, be happy and glad, because it is the best outcome.
And always give your enemies multiple opportunities to avoid problems, because they are weak and you are strong.
...
Now, the question of what to do when things go downhill is very difficult to answer, because it depends on a lot of things:
- Does the guy treat you badly because you act or appear weak, or because it's his nature?
- Does the guy tool you only when you do something legitimately uncool, or does he go searching for trouble?
- How receptive are the women to friendliness and well-calibrated conversation from a reasonably cool guy like yourself?
- How much do they like the guy because of his status, and how much because of his arrogant attitude?
- How much time are you forced to spend together? Can you easily ignore them most of the time?
- If you contribute something positive, does the group react positively in that moment or do they put you down even more?
- Who else is watching (professors/staff etc)? Is their respect more important for you long-term?
Ideally, you want to take a few hits and pretty much ignore them, until people admire your ability to not get flustered, appreciate your positivity and contributions, and become generally friendly toward you. You have nothing much to gain in this type of situation by getting reactive at all, and as
@James D pointed out, the law of least effort is king.
But that said, I would try a few things.
- Be dominant and a little bit combative with the dude. Watch what happens and note the effects. Do girls perk up a bit and like it, or do they ignore it? Does he want to pull back a bit, or does it make him more aggressive?
- If a girl does something silly or dumb, laugh and tease her a little bit, even if it feels a bit awkward. How does the girl react? The other girls? The guy? How do
you feel?
- Periodically 'walk away' from the group, do something on your own in the vicinity while completely ignoring them and with good posture and body language, like having a drink and looking out the window for a while, and rejoin them as if you just noticed they were still there. How does everyone react?
- It's hard to describe exactly, but try to do things that turn everyone's attention on to you. Tell a story while looking each person dead in the eye one after the other, use strong hand gestures, selfishly take up space and ignore interruptions and act as if you expect people to pay attention to you. How do people respond?
...
Let's say things go
really downhill, and it becomes incessant tooling, put downs, and exclusion without you being able to really avoid being present for extended periods of time. They have ignored any offer of friendship, and see you as a toy brought along for the group to play with, without any ability to retaliate. This is very unlikely if you are a well-rounded guy, but it's not impossible if the guy is a real dick and everyone gets swept up in it.
In this case, what I personally would do, is become the rebel.
The rebel is someone who doesn't care about the rules, but when he breaks them, he breaks them for self-expression, not out of anger or fear. He accepts if the world doesn't like him, and does not hate it for that reason, but just goes on trying to bend it to his will because of his pride in himself and his enjoyment of tearing into life on his own terms.
If the guy tools you, tool him back, and enjoy it. If he gets under your armor, laugh at yourself. If he gets annoyed with you, laugh at him, and use every dirty tactic to make him look like a fool. If the group excludes you, turn your nose up and behave as if the only thing keeping you there is academic reasons. Be sweet to the girls (especially his girlfriend), and smile and enjoy it if they glare at you. If a girl tools you, tease her like you would your little sister, and if she reacts, completely ignore her like she just walked into a vortex. Enjoy anger and annoyance and hostility the way you would enjoy a straight shot of whiskey burning down your throat, and let them know you enjoy it. And above all, enjoy the fact that you love yourself so much that they can all go to hell and you wouldn't care.
This is not easy for many people to do, but someone who is somewhat in touch with their 'shadow' can find it quite easy and very enjoyable. In fact it is more deeply satisfying in many ways than the annoying struggle of maneuvering around social conventions and politeness.
What is much harder still, but one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in life, is to do it just carefully enough and subtly enough that people realize they are not dealing with the person they expected to be dealing with, and offer you respect instead. But while that is a nice goal to aim for, it's not always practically possible.
If you do it honestly, with spirit and genuine enjoyment, then even if it all burns down, you will walk away with even more self-respect than before. And you will see that even if the girls pretend to dislike you, they will respect you. And respect from a girl is a prerequisite for getting her to comply with your desires.
Even if the guy 'wins' and comes out pretty much unscathed, while you are battered and bruised (hopefully metaphorically) he will know that he was unable to make you submit to his frame or accept defeat, and the girls will know it too. And best of all, you will know it about yourself.
...
In the end, they are all just random people, who have done nothing (yet) to gain your respect and friendship and attention. Treat them as such, and value yourself above them in all circumstances.
