FR++ VballGirl

[Michael]

This is really long - in fact, it's the most I've ever written in one sitting, by a longshot. If you're pressed for time, skip down to the "Here comes trouble" part at the end. And give me tips on details I can leave out so I don't run up the bill like this again.

There’s this girl at pickup volleyball that I’ve been “working on” since I met her in September. Let’s call her, for my lack of creativity, VballGirl. I finally got something going with her after I got her number on Friday.

At Volleyball on Friday:

So I’m putting my number in her phone and text myself. My team’s up next, so I go on the court. She asks if it’s my number, and reads it out. Somehow I managed to put in the wrong number - lol.

Anyway, after the game, I grab my phone and go sit beside her. (we’re sitting on the floor with our backs against the wall, along the side of the volleyball court.) I get her to tell me her number while I put it in my phone. In general, I find putting people’s numbers in my phone takes forEVER, and this is no exception (any tips?). I call her number, it doesn’t work because it’s long distance, so I add a +1 in front of her number and call again.

About this time, this guy comes up and he’s like “Are you still getting her number?” and he sits on my left side (VballGirl’s on my right side). He’s talking to her, and I realize he’s probably trying to mess things up for me. I lie down and close my eyes for a bit, and when they’re open I look at VballGirl or watch the game, but keeping my gaze close to her, and never looking at the guy. Eventually their conversation fades, and she asks me a question.

Her: What year are you in?
Me: (eye contact, sexy grin)
Her: What year are you in?? (slightly annoyed, but in a good way)
Me: You don’t know anything about me, do you?
(continuing eye contact. I’m lying down, she’s sitting up right beside me, so I’m looking up into her eyes)
Me: How old do you think I am?
(she guesses 20, then 21. I’m 21 but I don’t let her know that she’s right)
Me: (More sexy eye contact, keeping the same grin)
Her: Fine, I’ll go get your student card and use it to figure out what year you’re in.
Me: Alright, you go do that. Good luck.
(just so you know, the guy’s still there. Not for long though…)
Her: OK, it expires in 2017, so you’re in third year, and you’re 20
Me: nope…
Her: k then you did a victory lap and you’re 21. So I was right!
Me: (look into her eyes)
Me: You still know nothing about me (pregnant pause) You know nothing about me… you have no idea who I am (put my arm around her, pregnant pause) but it’s OK, I don’t know who you are either.
Her: (something about how she told me what tv shows she watches and how that means I know a lot about her. It’s BS and she knows it )

Not long after I put my arm around her, the guy who was trying to mess me up went away. I felt pretty good about that.


I ended up leaving later after playing a few more sets, without saying goodbye to her. I texted her that night before going to bed.

Texting

Me (12:00 am isn) - Hey [her last name]. Have a good time tonight. Text me tomorrow and we’ll meet up sometime soon. (She had said she was going to a nightclub that night)

I turned off my phone so that I wouldn’t be thinking about texting her all night. Got her text in the morning.

Her (time unknown) - Yay okAy!! I’m at a Halloween party!

Definitely didn’t expect such an enthusiastic response. For one thing, I hadn’t said anything in person about meeting up.

Me (Sat 12 pm) - Did you get over your hangover yet?
Let me know if you’re free tomorrow.

Her (Sat 1pm) - Haha I don’t really get hangovers I’m got a bunch of assignments I still have to do so I’ll see!!!

Her (Sat 1:05 pm) - How was your night last night??

Me (Sat 6:30 pm) - Hey it was good. I have a lot of work to do too, but Ill try to get through it and then we can hang out. Sound good?
(Keeping my eye on the ball, and trying to imply that I’m busy too.)

Her (Sat 7pm) - Yeah sounds awesomeI’ll def have to get my butt in gear. Even though my friends convinced me to go out.

Me (Sat 7:30pm) - K. I’ll text you tomorrow.
(wasn’t sure this text was necessary. But I guess it didn’t hurt)

Next Day

So my plan was to get her to come meet me after my soccer game, and then we’d go watch a tv show at her place and get it on. I live with my parents in the next city over, so logistics are pretty bad because I can’t just invite her over. I think it could’ve worked if she didn’t cancel.

Me (Sun 2pm) - Hey [lastname]. Is your but in gear yet?
(Taking my eye off the ball, I know. I thought that I needed to reestablish contact first before I proposed a meet.)

Her (Sun 2:45pm) Nooo going out last buggy put my productivity in the hole

Me: Well than you best get CRACKIN, cuz if I get more work done than you today… just trust me, you don’t want to know what that means.
(I know I shouldn’t have anything to do with her getting work done, but this was a fun text to send)

Her: Haha I’m about half done one assignment and the other one I have to do is only a page long

Me: Crap. Should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Me: Can’t compete with a rec and leisure student on work ethic
(Funny, yes. But being funny like this over text is something friends do, not lovers, right? Can someone confirm that for me?)

Her: Haha yeah you could. My work ethic is nothing. I just have a bunch of shirt assignments due
Her: *short

I’m thinking I’ve got to put an end to this nonsense. I don’t need to build rapport over text. I already built rapport. So I send her this:

Me: (4:30pm ish) We’ll have to let fate decide that for us. Anyway, I gotta get back to work. You still wanna hang out right?
(Finally getting to the punch)

Her: Definitely! do you have a crazy week next week??
(What a relief to hear she’s still DTF. Wasn’t sure why she was asking me about my week; maybe I should’ve ignored it. Thoughts?)

Me: Tests, assignments… yep. What TV shows did you say you watch?

Her: Haha same here. Ahh I watch a lot of tv right now though I’m loving white collar. I’m at 4 seasons in 3 weeks

Me: (6:15) I don’t doubt you love white collar. Pretty sure i know why, too. Let’s watch it tonight. Meet me at [the gym] at 8ish?
(the gym is right by the soccer field. Was going to meet her there, get her to wait for me to shower and change, and then we’d go.)

Her: Haha why do you think I like it??? Why [the gym]?


Here comes trouble:


Her: (6:30pm) Ahhhh I forgot about an online quiz that I have to do for one of my classes and it’s worth 10% I don’t think I’ll be able to do it in time as well as eat and finish my assignment:’( can we reschedule to tomorrow??

Me: (6:50pm) Good thing your work ethic is the size of mount everest! I got a soccer game now. See you after.
(What I meant was “Sucks to be you. You have 1 hour to do your quiz. Then meet me after”. But I guess this was ambiguous, which probably was a good thing)
(Note: looking back now, I think I should have just let her reschedule. Any thoughts here?)

Me: (7:10pm) Game’s over, gonna shower. You tackle that quiz yet?

Her: (12:53am) Hah yeah I finished it. 90%! how was your game?? Intramural??

after she sent me this, I realized she thought the aforementioned ambiguous text message that I sent meant “Good luck. I have soccer now, talk to you after”

So I sent her this:

Me: (Monday 1pm) Oh hey =) congrats. Can’t do tonight but maybe later this week. What’s your sched like?

Her: (Monday 5pm) Midterm Wednesday and Friday. I have alott of studying to do

I haven’t replied to this, and I don’t think I will - I’ll probably see her at volleyball on Wednesday or Friday. I was thinking of replying with “I kinda meant times that you’ll be free ” but I didn’t.

In general, with texting, I was trying to use tests, midterms and assignments as a way to communicate scarcity, but I don’t think it was very effective because she’d always be like “same here”.

Anyway, that’s my first field report. Feel free to comment, especially on the texting bit.

Michael

 

[Smurf]

Re: FR: VballGirl

Hey, Michael,

You're right about the texting, it does seem to be too much rapport. After the second reschedule (stole this from Nj) would've sent her something like: "hey, it seems you're really busy. Why not just shoot me a text when you're free and we can set something up". That, or if you see her in person a lot, set up a date in person. Also, I wouldn't make it sound like you assume she's busy in texts. "Are you still busy?" Sets her up to say that yes, she is busy. Try to go silent on her for like two weeks.

Jake

 

[PrettyDecent]

Re: FR: VballGirl

Hey Michael,

Glad to see you post an FR! And thanks for putting in the time to make it thorough!

About this time, this guy comes up and he’s like “Are you still getting her number?” and he sits on my left side (VballGirl’s on my right side). He’s talking to her, and I realize he’s probably trying to mess things up for me. I lie down and close my eyes for a bit, and when they’re open I look at VballGirl or watch the game, but keeping my gaze close to her, and never looking at the guy. Eventually their conversation fades, and she asks me a question.

That was expertly handled. I'd say this shot her attraction up.

Her: What year are you in?
Me: (eye contact, sexy grin)
Her: What year are you in?? (slightly annoyed, but in a good way)
Me: You don’t know anything about me, do you?
(continuing eye contact. I’m lying down, she’s sitting up right beside me, so I’m looking up into her eyes)
Me: How old do you think I am?
(she guesses 20, then 21. I’m 21 but I don’t let her know that she’s right)
Me: (More sexy eye contact, keeping the same grin)
Her: Fine, I’ll go get your student card and use it to figure out what year you’re in.
Me: Alright, you go do that. Good luck.
(just so you know, the guy’s still there. Not for long though…)
Her: OK, it expires in 2017, so you’re in third year, and you’re 20
Me: nope…
Her: k then you did a victory lap and you’re 21. So I was right!
Me: (look into her eyes)
Me: You still know nothing about me (pregnant pause) You know nothing about me… you have no idea who I am (put my arm around her, pregnant pause) but it’s OK, I don’t know who you are either.
Her: (something about how she told me what tv shows she watches and how that means I know a lot about her. It’s BS and she knows it )

The teasing was good at first, but a bit excessive by the end. But perhaps that's just personal taste. Also, the "I know nothing about you, and you know nothing about me" is rather risky. If she took that literally you would have been left with, well, nothing! But she saved you there (the strong EC you were giving also helped a lot too!)

Writing this on a phone, so I can't quote text anymore, but here's just a quick summary. I've seen NJ and Chase do this (and NJ has a stickied post on it somewhere called "How to deal with passive and difficult women" or something), where if the girl is being difficult with her schedule after asking her twice, you say: "Well, this whole me chasing through your schedule isn't working out, so why don't you give me a day your free, text me, and then we'll meet up! "

Its a bit hard to tell whether you'll get her at this point, but she has been really compliant with your texting, so its absolutely worth trying.

Let us know how the story unfolds!

~Nick

- also just saw Jake D. post some similar advice. Glad to see we're on the same page, Jake!

 

[Michael]

Re: FR: VballGirl

Thanks for the feedback guys. Here's an update:

Her (Friday night) Why didn't I see you at vball today?? What happened??
Me: Awwww, that's cute...
Her: Haha what??? I'm curious?
Me: That you miss me . Guess we'll have to do something about that...

Any advice on how to handle this? I was trying to chase frame. Not sure why she didn't text me back.

Her (Saturday) Gabe is having a party tonight if you wanna go!
Me: Hey VballGirl, thanks for the invite! I'm just gonna chill and watch a movie or something, but we can hang out tomorrow if you want
Me: Or you can meet me here and we'll cook dinner
Me: Around 6 or 7
Her: I'm with my parents today:/
Me: Ok np. Tomorrow?
Her: I have another hell week coming up so I'll see!!

At this point it looked like I was chasing (maybe I should have ignored the party invite text?) and I didn't like that so I didn't text her back. I figure I won't text her until after we see each other in person again.

 

[Michael]

Hey Guys, here’s another update. Last Wednesday at pickup vball, I didn’t talk to her for about 45 minutes, and then I walked up beside her, patted her on the back and asked her how she was doing. She said “Good” or something like that and then said “I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t have a phone.” I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn’t notice. I asked her what happened to her phone, and we talked for while, until it was her team’s turn to play.

Anyway, I figured I would see her on Friday and arrange a date in person, but vball was cancelled on Friday so that didn’t happen. I was out of town for most of the weekend with my family, and I thought, if she really liked me she’d figure out how to contact me while I was away. And she did! On Saturday I get this text from a new number:

Her: Hey hey hey! hows your weekend going??
Her: Its VballGirl btw
Me: Hey
Me: It’s good. Just chill in at my oma’s with my sister.
Her: I’ve figured out how to text without a phone btw whats your Facebook?
Me: don’t have fb anymore
Her: Why? I commend your self control..i couldnt delete fb, such a good distraction
Me: I’ll tell you when I see you… which is when, btw?
Her: My fan jam is coming down today but tomorrow or basically anytime this week. I’m basically done till exams
Me: Great! Let’s plan for tomorrow after I get back. Is 2pm late enough for you?
Her: Where are you right now??
Me: At my Oma’s in [city]. I gotta go for dinner now, but see you tomorrow afternoon?
Her: Yep!!! Have fun!!
Me: Thanks

Then yesterday (Sunday) when we get back in town, I send her this:

Me: Hey VballGirl, I’m back in town now. See you soon! I’m going up to the uni to do some work and then we can chill after.
Her: If youre gonna be on campus do you just wanna meet at [place] for coffee?
Me: That sounds good… where is that again?
Her: [gives me directions]. If youre going to campus to work now, are you gonna get anything done?
Me: Ok, I changed my mind, I’m gonna work out instead. Why don’t you just meet me at the gym when I’m done? At 2:30ish
(I put my phone away and go work out)
Her: Yeah okay ill meet you at 2:30
Her: I’m at [place] now ill be 5 min to gym

She shows up while I’m filling up my water bottle. We walk out of the building, and I don’t tell her where we’re going. A couple times she asks why we’re not crossing the street at the lights, or where I’m going. We get to Tim Hortons and wait in line to order. This whole time as we’re walking and waiting in line, I don’t put much effort into the conversation, so that she’s doing the work and investing. But aside from eye contact, I’m not doing much chase framing or sexual framing.

I tell her to order first, and we pay separately, then she asks where to sit, I say “I’m thinking”, then goes and sits down because I’m taking a long-ass time to decide. I go sit down across from her. When I finish my drink, she’s barely even started hers and says I have to wait for her, so I get my coat and scarf on, grab her drink, and go throw out my cup. She gets into a conversation with some guy she know, and I walk out the door and start walking to her car. She catches up to me and we go to her car.

In the car, she realizes she has no idea where we’re going, and asks me. I don’t answer right away, and I’m thinking about escalating in the car, but I don’t.

Me: We can go to my place
Her: Where’s your place?
Me: (Name of other city where I live, about a 15 min drive)
Her: Okay we’re going to my place.

We get to her place, go to her room, it’s in the basement. I say we should watch a movie, and then she says what movie, and it takes like 10 minutes to decide on a movie. Eventually I click on Bourne Legacy and we start watching it, sitting on her bed with our backs agains the wall. I start running my hands along her arms and eventually I kiss her on the lips very briefly. The next time I try to kiss her, she says “Nooo.. I don’t know anythiiing aboouut youuu…” turns away so I go to kiss her neck, but she has a scarf on. I take her scarf off, but now her hair gets in the way. Eventually she puts the laptop on the floor and says she wants to talk first or something.
Anyway, I keep working away. It’s funny, I kind of expected that she would shove her tongue down my throat the second time I kissed her, but she didn’t. Every other time I’ve kissed a girl (only 3 times), she was the aggressor, and I’ve never pushed for sex or had much resistance before.

I was at her place until 8pm, approximately 4 and a half hours. A few objection that she made:

• I don’t know anything about you
• I want us to get to know each other first
• Today I thought we would just grab coffee and then we would split
• I want to be friends first
• You only want one thing (sex)

As I write this it sounds more like I’m in the boyfriend zone. Not the friend zone, because she was attracted to me, and if we had just had coffee or something, it

She also asked if she could “draw her lines”, which were boundaries for how far we would escalate. She was definitely in control of the escalation, and she even said so. Whatever push-pull tactics I tried didn’t work. She didn’t even have her clothes off. At one point I took off my shirt and threw it on her face.

Anyway, I learned a lot yesterday. It was the first time I pushed for sex, and it was a lot different from my (limited) previous experience. I think I needed to set expectations better, which makes sense because we’ve known each other since September and we’d only ever hung out in a friendly environment.

Any advice on what to do when I get resistance like that, how to avoid it in the first place, and how I should frame things next time I see this girl at volleyball?

Michael