Want to avoid hurting girl after sex

[ChristianB]

A few days ago I went out to a bar and met this girl. She was extremely into me from right when I approached and although I had to reapproach a few times after she got pulled away from friends, we ended up making out at bar and she came home with me and we slept together. She stayed the night and we had sex again in the morning and I made her a smoothie before watching a show and driving her home.

This isn't my first one night stand, I think its my fifth or sixth (give or take a few depending on what might qualify). This one was very different though because this girl has clearly developed strong feelings for me and I feel bad because I feel I led her on in some ways.

Even before we had sex I could sense she may have liked me too much, she wouldn't stop talking about how attracted she was to me and how she couldn't resist me. This wasn't only sexual desire she also had that emotional "in love" look in her eyes, she was frankly almost crying just looking at me at times in a sad "I feel like this is too good to be true" way. She also repeatedly mentioned not wanting this to be a one night stand and that she wouldn't come back with me if thats all I wanted. I reassured her a few times that it wasn't and I wasn't lying to her because I was really attracted to her and thought it'd be unlikely I wouldn't want to at least see her again. She also talked about how she wanted to go to dinner and that she wanted something real... I could really feel the needyness. She also made me promise I'd let her stay the night before having sex.

Before we slept together I hesitated, saying that while I wanted to see her again I also didn't want to hurt her. She said that sex was a big deal to her (which I could tell was just a tactic considering her talking about her previous one-night-stand/dating app experiences, not to mention the fact that she had an IUD) and she was worried about the same thing. I reiterated that while I wanted to sleep with her that I was worried she liked me too much. When I said that she kind of flipped her mood and was like "uh not really" as if I was crazy for suggesting it. So I slept with her, and both wore a condom (in spite of her IUD) and frankly gave a lackluster performance, this was in part due to not wanting to hurt her but also due to her needyness turning me off. We had sex again in the middle of the night and again in the morning. After dropping her off I sent her a friendly text "It was nice having you stay over and hang out, hope you have a nice day " and she replied that she also had a fun time and that she hoped to hangout soon and I told her we would.

Honestly had I not been coming off a two month dry spell I'd like to think that I would've realized that this might not have been the right move to sleep with her. I know you can't fully control how hard a girl falls for you, but I feel guilty since I told her repeatedly that I'd see her again. In addition, she's apparently a regular at the venue I've been getting the best results from so I don't want her to develop ill will toward me for practical reasons. Also if/when I see her again there it'll remind me that I essentially lied and led her on emotionally to get sex (if I were to not see her again) which would take a toll on my conscience and also likely ruin my state when trying to meet other girls. She's attractive enough that were it not for the needyness/emotional attachment that I'd want to keep her around as a FwB, but I'm not sure want to do that for fear of her falling harder for me/leading her on further.

Is there any damage control I can do here? My initial thought was to get a casual bite with her (chipotle or something), just hang out then to just drop her off without having sex to at least clear my conscience so at least I know I didn't lie to her about not seeing her again. Would appreciate any input from more experienced guys on how I might be able to handle this situation. Thanks in advance.

 

[topcat]

Bro, take it easy. This girl aint falling for you, trust me. This is just her modus operandi, she's a good player. Proceed as normal, she'll reveal her true colours soon enough... you'll wonder why you ever felt sorry for her.

 

[Will_V]

A few days ago I went out to a bar and met this girl. She was extremely into me from right when I approached and although I had to reapproach a few times after she got pulled away from friends, we ended up making out at bar and she came home with me and we slept together. She stayed the night and we had sex again in the morning and I made her a smoothie before watching a show and driving her home.

This isn't my first one night stand, I think its my fifth or sixth (give or take a few depending on what might qualify). This one was very different though because this girl has clearly developed strong feelings for me and I feel bad because I feel I led her on in some ways.

Even before we had sex I could sense she may have liked me too much, she wouldn't stop talking about how attracted she was to me and how she couldn't resist me. This wasn't only sexual desire she also had that emotional "in love" look in her eyes, she was frankly almost crying just looking at me at times in a sad "I feel like this is too good to be true" way. She also repeatedly mentioned not wanting this to be a one night stand and that she wouldn't come back with me if thats all I wanted. I reassured her a few times that it wasn't and I wasn't lying to her because I was really attracted to her and thought it'd be unlikely I wouldn't want to at least see her again. She also talked about how she wanted to go to dinner and that she wanted something real... I could really feel the needyness. She also made me promise I'd let her stay the night before having sex.

Before we slept together I hesitated, saying that while I wanted to see her again I also didn't want to hurt her. She said that sex was a big deal to her (which I could tell was just a tactic considering her talking about her previous one-night-stand/dating app experiences, not to mention the fact that she had an IUD) and she was worried about the same thing. I reiterated that while I wanted to sleep with her that I was worried she liked me too much. When I said that she kind of flipped her mood and was like "uh not really" as if I was crazy for suggesting it. So I slept with her, and both wore a condom (in spite of her IUD) and frankly gave a lackluster performance, this was in part due to not wanting to hurt her but also due to her needyness turning me off. We had sex again in the middle of the night and again in the morning. After dropping her off I sent her a friendly text "It was nice having you stay over and hang out, hope you have a nice day " and she replied that she also had a fun time and that she hoped to hangout soon and I told her we would.

Honestly had I not been coming off a two month dry spell I'd like to think that I would've realized that this might not have been the right move to sleep with her. I know you can't fully control how hard a girl falls for you, but I feel guilty since I told her repeatedly that I'd see her again. In addition, she's apparently a regular at the venue I've been getting the best results from so I don't want her to develop ill will toward me for practical reasons. Also if/when I see her again there it'll remind me that I essentially lied and led her on emotionally to get sex (if I were to not see her again) which would take a toll on my conscience and also likely ruin my state when trying to meet other girls. She's attractive enough that were it not for the needyness/emotional attachment that I'd want to keep her around as a FwB, but I'm not sure want to do that for fear of her falling harder for me/leading her on further.

Is there any damage control I can do here? My initial thought was to get a casual bite with her (chipotle or something), just hang out then to just drop her off without having sex to at least clear my conscience so at least I know I didn't lie to her about not seeing her again. Would appreciate any input from more experienced guys on how I might be able to handle this situation. Thanks in advance.

Brother, topcat is right, if she's talked to you about previous one night stands and got an IUD, you're dealing with a veteran, not a rookie. What a woman reveals is only the tip of the iceberg. You're getting sucked into her frame.

But I think it's worth figuring this stuff out so that you don't end up in bed with a sweet young thing and start feeling all guilty and the hardware stops working.

...

I posted a question some time ago about exactly this when I joined up, how to let women down after a one night stand. I thought there might be some kind of magical tactical way to do it, but there isn't (or to be more exact, there is, but it's not magical or particularly tactical).

Again, as with all things, one must understand things from a woman's point of view.

What would make a woman sleep with a guy fast, or even if she knows he won't commit? It's because she wants to feel hot, sexy and beautiful. It's not because of some contract he did or didn't sign, or whether he did something for her before the fact, or promised to do something after the fact.

What she wants from it is the knowledge that she is a powerful woman capable of captivating a man. If she gets this validation, she will NEVER be worse off after the encounter than before.

To put things in perspective, what is a man's most precious resource, the thing that he knows that if he loses it he is 100% fucked?

It's his will, his frame, his libido, his drive. He could be in a lying in a ditch today and if he still had that, a year later he could be living whatever life he wanted.

What is the equivalent for a woman? The answer is her beauty. It doesn't matter whether she can get any one particular man, what makes her feel capable of reaching whatever heights she wants to reach, is her ability to captivate a man with her beauty and sexuality. While she can do that, she will always have the opportunity to get whatever she wants in life.

That's why a woman will give herself to a man, even a complete scoundrel, who can allow himself to be honestly captivated and aroused by her, who can allow his masculinity to dance with her with real passion. It makes her feel like there's nothing she can't become or have in life. And even if he walks away tomorrow, as long as he never denies what she was to him, that can not be taken away from her.

So you love women, never make them feel ugly or worthless. I have met women after I've fucked them and decided for whatever reason I didn't want to keep them, and in that moment when we were together and there were questions in her eyes, I never once stopped feeling and expressing my sexual attraction for her, and showing my delight in her. I just didn't offer anything else beyond that, and she understood that I was someone for whom the moment is enough, and that's how she would have to see it as well.

...

If there's one thing I would very strongly recommend is that you NEVER offer anything to a woman as 'compensation', whether that's taking her out, fucking her again out of guilt even if you don't want to, giving her 'space' and avoiding her. This is all a denial of the value of the moment you had together when your dick was inside her. That moment is always enough, it transcends any type of compensation. It will never be taken away, it can never be 'explained' or adjusted in value. It just is.

And when you're with a woman in bed, make her feel like she's the only woman on earth, like she has spawned the wolverine in you, brought out untold levels of masculinity and desire, and you will realize that feeling guilty about that afterward simply makes no sense.

 

[POB]

She was extremely into me from right when I approached and although I had to reapproach a few times after she got pulled away from friends, we ended up making out at bar and she came home with me and we slept together.

Great!

She stayed the night and we had sex again in the morning and I made her a smoothie before watching a show and driving her home.

Here is where you started to derail...clearly BF behavior!

And after that you began talking about hurting her feelings, etc. (also BF behavior). By now she has probably figured you out and is just playing the field, like topcat said.

Look, I know we like to think that our white heart is golden and irresistible to women, but a lot more often than we think they just wanna use us for pleasure (thx for that!)

This is why it's always better to stick to the script:
FB>MLTR>OLTR

If you fucked her 2-3 times and still has no feelings for her = FB
If you fucked her 2-3 times and like where it's going, wait a couple of months then =MLTR
If she's your MLTR for a long long time and is VERY compatible with you = maybe OLTR

remember: They all start as FBs, meaning you give them NO REASON to think you wanna have anything serious with them. So no sleeping overs, no cooking meals/fixing drinks, no going out to eat, no talking about relationship, etc, etc. She is just a hot friend who comes over and you plow, nothing more. Only after that initial probation period you have the correct info to decide where the relationship is going.

 

[ChristianB]

Thanks yall for bringing me to me senses.

The more I think about it she really was gaming me and trying to frame things as potential boyfriend, I really got sucked into her frames (even though I never seriously considered dating her). She clearly knows what she's doing, repeatedly complementing me and saying things to try to boost my ego and give me validation, which honestly I've always never really been into in general. She was even always trying to turn the conversation back on me to get me to talk about myself (I've honestly always hated talking about myself). She was also really trying to set a "beginning of a relationship frame." I might hit her up again when I get back from out of town, but maybe not. I won't care regardless of whether she wants to or not especially now that I see through things.

@Will_V that's a really good frame/mindset I definitely appreciate that elaboration on why that'd be best. Especially the "shes the only woman on earth" mindset. I sometimes find myself doing things I don't really want to do out of feeling bad for people, which I realize really effs up my frame.

@POB thank you for the insight there, I need to just keep my frame solid that I'm not really looking for a relationship and if I want one later on down the road then so be it. The one area of confusion I have around this is that when you're initially trying to sleep with a girl (say you met in daygame or a number from nightgame) you'd want to take her out for a bite or do something like that as a first date/hang. Do you advocate just no longer doing this after you've slept with her? Also would you say grabbing takeout and watching a show for example falls toward the boyfriend category or not really?

 

[POB]

@POB thank you for the insight there, I need to just keep my frame solid that I'm not really looking for a relationship and if I want one later on down the road then so be it.

Awesome. Then keep them as FBs.

The one area of confusion I have around this is that when you're initially trying to sleep with a girl (say you met in daygame or a number from nightgame) you'd want to take her out for a bite or do something like that as a first date/hang.

Yep, the usual. This is just a date, you are getting to know each other.

Do you advocate just no longer doing this after you've slept with her? Also would you say grabbing takeout and watching a show for example falls toward the boyfriend category or not really?

I'd cut that behavior, yes.

Look, there's not even a community consensus about what is and what isn't exactly BF behavior right after you fucked her more than once (kinda of a grey area here).

The rule I personally use is to never do shit I wouldn't normally do if she is there just for sex. If she is MLTR, sure, why not watch something together while we grab a bite? I let myself enjoy her body and her company.

If not, she arrives, I take her clothes of, we fuck, I hit the shower (she can join me if she wants), she put her clothes on and there's the door. I already gave her a good time so no need to stick around. I know it sounds cold, but believe me, it's not. Women get it really fast when a guy is in their lives just for fun.

 

[PalmaSailor]

Looks to me like she’s love bombing you.

Classic BPD / HPD game. She knows her way round a bedroom that’s for sure.

Be very very careful. Don’t let her take over your life / move in.

Good luck!

 

[Skills]

Most girls will want to be a girlfriend at some point, they are mostly fb cause they are hoping one day you will flip and convert, i personally like women sleeping over so i can bang in the morning when i am the most horny..... Also, in any relationship one or the other will get hurt it is part of being in any type of relationship... women get over pain and hurt 50 times faster than dudes do, though during the process they look more in pain, and you feel more like an ass, that is also part of their strategy, they get over quick...

 

[ChristianB]

update: decided not to hit this one up again after hooking up with 2 new girls i both like more since