Want to lose Approach anxiety? Then get comfortable being around attractive women...

[Fuck This]

Preferably women who are not available (married or in an exclusive relationship) because then you will look at them without the Shimmer of the "Possibility of Sex" blinding you to their cracks and flaws. Women who are "off limits" to you. Just as having an Alpha Dad is a good example, having a "target type" woman around to use as a reference just makes you more familiar and less overwhelmed.

Pretty soon you realize that those women who are bitches, aren't bitches because of you trying to approach them but because they are just ugly inside.
See their insecurities. Most of them are about their looks.
See the actual beauty flaws they cover up with make up. Yes they have skin blemishes, and crows feet, little patches of cellulite and their breasts are different sizes and hang funny. And these are 9's and 10's guys.
Talk to them. Connect on a deeper level. Then let them tell you how they see you through their eyes.

I had an epiphany when I befriended a slender outdoors woman with a brilliant personality. I was married and unavailable, but she was like a sister to me once I got past being a little awestruck by her appearance. I'll say I was certainly attracted. But through that relationship I saw the holes in that appearance. Saw the unattractive habits she had. She wasn't on a pedestal any more. I watched her meet the man she eventually married and saw how she adores him. and then I began to see how these women truly see me....At a time I was really lacking confidence she relayed a comment about me from one of her friends and said to me "You are hot, deal with it..."

Then I started realizing all these women around me who were attractive wives of my buddies were like an opinion panel at my disposal. Women I didn't NEED to worry about "does she like me?" were like sparring partners for conversations. I was padded up and it wouldn't hurt if couldn't block a jab. Made it a lot easier to take a verbal punch out in the real world. I watched these women and the way they reacted to men. I saw their reactions and heard their true feelings about the emotions those men created in them. It was like watching the other team practice before the game.

The years helped too. When you see the Homecoming queen turn into an obese slob, you realize they ain't that special.... i don't know if it was time,more than exposure to attractive women, but I suddenly was able to put a woman's personality and other qualities ahead of her looks. I wasn't putting the pussy on the pedestal any more.

Then when the time came to branch out and find new women, i had the confidence to not care if an interaction didn't lead to a lay....but to recognize that opening and take it down that path...and when that opportunity came, I had an Outcome Independence. After sampling the wares of a few ONS's I was able to go into a relationship knowing that if this one crumbled, I could go out and replace her (for the night anyway) .

 

[DarkKnight]

Fuck this, about the years helping too because you see how girls who were pretty degenerated horribly: I agree. I really noticed this after I was 23 and seeing some queenbee types devolve in terms of looks brought a whole level of perspective. Also the older you get the more you just know that some young girl cannot possibly have a stronger frame than you. So lots of things make less impact, which girls pick up on

 

[naturalmikey]

great post. when you get older and realize you wouldn’t touch the girl who rejected you in high school with a stick you start to see the shelf life of beauty. i tell everyone that the girl who rejected you today, you could easily have her in ten years.

 

[Beyond Borders]

I'm about to turn 39 and so many foxes from my high school days and early 20s are buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusted.

Meanwhile still posting my photos on FB and whatnot of 20-year-old girlfriends. haha

Good post, though. Spending time with women as friends won't always get you laid more, but it will certainly open your eyes and lower the curtain more.

Also, try to really appreciate these women as genuine friends. Not only can they be fun to hang out with and useful wings when they still look good, but over the years as they age and lose their looks, their role in your life will shift and change.

Yes, seeing women more clearly can illuminate their flaws, which can be a good thing for breaking down your own naive illusions. But women, even with some of the personality flaws many share (even though they're only human), can also be amazingly nurturing friends who will always be there when you need them, no matter how far you fall.

By nature, women are extremely capable of forgiving transgressions and boosting you up.

I'm still friends with almost every woman I've ever dated (and quite a few I only slept with), as far back as 9th grade. Most are married and starting to look old now, but we keep in touch from time to time over the years, and sometimes they come to me for advice. I have a feeling I'll appreciate my friendships with them more and more as we get older.

 

[Chrance]

Wouldn’t you say there’s a difference in your psychology if you pull, bang and date a woman who is a total babe versus merely being around one? I’d expect the former to actually help, whereas the latter would do nothing. I don’t know how much it helps knowing that attractive women have flaws, since this is not very motivating to know imo. I think it can minimize the feeling of inferiority a person might have, but that is all, and imo the feeling of inferiority is not that big of a factor in AA and can be dealt with in other ways. But it is a little mischevious to rely on tearing down someone’s image in order to make yourself feel more comfortable around them. Women having severe flaws is true by virtue of them being born; the same applies to men.

The motivation (which helps subdue the fear of approaching) that one gets from succeeding in banging a babe is no different from the motivation a fisherman gets when he say catches a big bass by a certain tree in his favorite lake. In the past the fisherman would say “there’s no way a fish is over there, so there’s no point making a cast and getting my line stuck.” But once the fisherman succeeds in catching a fat fish in that exact spot, his whole attitude about that spot by the tree, and about tough spots in general out in the lake, changes dramatically. From then on he thinks “I need to hit those tight spots before going home, especially that one by that tree; you never know what might happen.” He becomes more motivated to hit those tough spots all from one fish! The same can occur with babes, but it depends on the man and what his problems are. And also, even when you do succeed in pulling an HB or two, it won’t necessarily rid you of AA because AA has many causes; but it will definitely help.

Unrelated: using the fishing comparison I think helps explain why certain guys (including myself) go for certain chicks over those that are hotter. If you know the fish are in that one part of the lake, why try somewhere new? It’s a psychological trick

 

[Carousel]

And also, even when you do succeed in pulling an HB or two, it won’t necessarily rid you of AA because AA has many causes; but it will definitely help.

You are one of the very few people who actually realizes this. Which is even more impressive given your relatively short time here.

There is trauma-based AA which is solved by the TRE I wrote about in the body-oriented therapy thread. Such AA is rooted in BODILY TENSION which keeps the amygdala (fear center of the brain) in a chronic hyperactive state.

There is validation-based AA which is not rooted in any traumatic memory, but simply lack of validation and experience. This one can be solved by exposure, like hanging around, or preferably laying a number of hot women. Laying women from cold approach also addresses this one, but hanging around women may be of interest simply because then you don't internalize this "I am only good at faking for 30 minutes that I am cool"-frame a pure cold-approach PUA may be victim to. Validation is usually the next step to work on after removing the bodily tension.

There are also multiple other causes of "AA" like simply being in a shitty state due to tiredness etc - this has nothing to do with neither traumas nor validation. Or lacking the drive to approach due to low sex drive, which again has multiple causes, but none are trauma nor validation related. Such problems are not really AA as there is no anxiety involved, but they are often lumped together with actual AA.

One can also approach a lot WITHOUT having solved trauma-based AA completely - this usually leads to burnout in the long run as the fear response is constantly triggered - reminiscent of the mechanism of chronic stress. Such a man STILL HAS AA - he is only acting in spite of it. Like driving with your hand brake partially on this is a harmful and sub-optimal way of operating.

Consequently, there are all sorts of nonsense, conflicting theories about 1) what AA IS, and thus, 2) how to cure it because a guy has a problem with approaching, solves it and projects HIS SOLUTION and thereby also HIS PROBLEM upon everybody else having a superficially similar problem.

Say guy 1 had no traumas, but lacked validation and solved it by banging more HBs, he now tells guy 2 with a trauma-based problem to bang more HBs to solve the problem, when this does not actually address his problem at all and the problem alone may make it hard to even bang a one HB. Guy 2 will obviously be frustrated. This results in insane outcomes like guys with 100 lays still having AA, thinking that more lays will solve their AA when the AA was rooted in traumas/social anxiety, rather than a lack of validation.

Fortunately, I and COCPORN did a detailed breakdown of this some years ago which we still think is valid. We may rewrite and publish it when we have the time for it. But you guys will come a long way simply with this post.

 

[Fuck This]

Unrelated: using the fishing comparison I think helps explain why certain guys (including myself) go for certain chicks over those that are hotter. If you know the fish are in that one part of the lake, why try somewhere new? It’s a psychological trick

Apply your fishing comparison to the venues you frequent. The fishing is better on certain days too. If you have never landed a whopper you might not be as aggressive but once you know you can get them to hit your bait, you cast into the good looking water despite low hanging branches that might catch your lure....

 

[Chrance]

Apply your fishing comparison to the venues you frequent. The fishing is better on certain days too. If you have never landed a whopper you might not be as aggressive but once you know you can get them to hit your bait, you cast into the good looking water despite low hanging branches that might catch your lure....

That’s a good comparison. This year I’ve made it a goal to branch off from the current 2-3 venues I visit frequently (the ones that are mentally easier on me due to previous successes). I’ve become somewhat venue dependent haha. There is comfort knowing that at X place there are Y spots you can bounce her to and Z ways you can pull her out