- Joined
- Aug 12, 2024
- Messages
- 161
I write this partly to make sense of my thoughts for my own growth, and partly since only this community understands my mentality. Sorry for rambling.
This 2 month relationship was a series of firsts for me. It was a string of me fumbling my way further than I ever made it before, but it was a valuable learning experience for me about me.
I'm left with answers and questions.
Snatching Defeat From Ghe Jaws of Victory
She was willing to go exclusive with me. I always said I wanted an LTR, so all I had to do was say it. But when faced with the risk of being exclusive to a girl I possibly wouldn't see and might have lost, I said something I never planned to. "I'd like to keep my options open." According to her, that's the moment she realized how much I meant to her. It's also the moment I lost her trust. She knew I didn't value the relationship like she did. She thinks I'm irreplaceable, but I know that another woman is around the corner and I have options. It wasn't fair.
Another man could've framed his way out of this, but even I wasn't sold on "keeping my options open". I backtracked after reminding myself this is what I wanted, but she wouldn't believe me so quickly. It took a few days for me to compliance ladder my way into a call, and yes ladder my way to having her willingly say she forgave me without having to ask her. I got her to agree that I listen, complimented her whenever she did something I liked, and generally valued each interaction. I got her to agree that I was great at everything until then, but that I am always improving.
I framed myself as a newbie struggling to articulate the new feelings of a first relationship, asking new things for the first time. She was shocked: how could someone as suave, confident, and assertive as me not have had a girlfriend before (by the way, thanks guys!). I accepted responsibility, apologized, swore to get better, and accurately identified how she felt and why. I framed myself as someone who has overcome obstacles and built himself up in every field, so it was inevtiable I'd learn to communicate what I want in a relationship given a second chance. She saw my point. But a few days later, it is now over.
She says she isn't strong enough to risk getting hurt. She invested too much and likes me too much. She fears we wouldn't live up to each other's standards, especially if I can't even articulate mine. She also said that due to personal issues, she wanted a relationship with someone who cared about her without seeking something from her in return.
I should have seen this coming since day 2.
Is this an attainability issue? What should I have done? Was the yes-ladder the way to go?
My Reflection
This 2 month relationship was a series of firsts for me. It was a string of me fumbling my way further than I ever made it before, but it was a valuable learning experience for me about me.
I'm left with answers and questions.
I had my first date ever with her. Had I been firm, I could have had my first girlfriend. She and I had so much in common, that most of her "weird" stories or comments were almost word for word my own. In a few occasions, I kept my thoughts it myself only to hear her say exactly what I was thinking. We had a real connection, not just for the deep dives. Though the deep dives were important: she shared deep things she rarely told others. She said our connection was irreplaceable, but I couldn't feel the same because I knew another girl was just around the corner. After all, I met her via cold approach.
Our first date wasn't great by Skilled Seducer standards. I missed escalation windows and failed to act despite having her where I wanted her. But I fixed the mistakes I saw the second time around and we did what I wanted to the first time around. By date #3, we held each other and gave a goodbge hug. She was very busy this semester and we could barely see each other; we had to text heavily. She admitted she really liked me, despite not planning on dating anyone during university. Next semester would be worse due to family issues, university, and professional obligations on her end.
Our first date wasn't great by Skilled Seducer standards. I missed escalation windows and failed to act despite having her where I wanted her. But I fixed the mistakes I saw the second time around and we did what I wanted to the first time around. By date #3, we held each other and gave a goodbge hug. She was very busy this semester and we could barely see each other; we had to text heavily. She admitted she really liked me, despite not planning on dating anyone during university. Next semester would be worse due to family issues, university, and professional obligations on her end.
Snatching Defeat From Ghe Jaws of Victory
She was willing to go exclusive with me. I always said I wanted an LTR, so all I had to do was say it. But when faced with the risk of being exclusive to a girl I possibly wouldn't see and might have lost, I said something I never planned to. "I'd like to keep my options open." According to her, that's the moment she realized how much I meant to her. It's also the moment I lost her trust. She knew I didn't value the relationship like she did. She thinks I'm irreplaceable, but I know that another woman is around the corner and I have options. It wasn't fair.
Another man could've framed his way out of this, but even I wasn't sold on "keeping my options open". I backtracked after reminding myself this is what I wanted, but she wouldn't believe me so quickly. It took a few days for me to compliance ladder my way into a call, and yes ladder my way to having her willingly say she forgave me without having to ask her. I got her to agree that I listen, complimented her whenever she did something I liked, and generally valued each interaction. I got her to agree that I was great at everything until then, but that I am always improving.
I framed myself as a newbie struggling to articulate the new feelings of a first relationship, asking new things for the first time. She was shocked: how could someone as suave, confident, and assertive as me not have had a girlfriend before (by the way, thanks guys!). I accepted responsibility, apologized, swore to get better, and accurately identified how she felt and why. I framed myself as someone who has overcome obstacles and built himself up in every field, so it was inevtiable I'd learn to communicate what I want in a relationship given a second chance. She saw my point. But a few days later, it is now over.
She says she isn't strong enough to risk getting hurt. She invested too much and likes me too much. She fears we wouldn't live up to each other's standards, especially if I can't even articulate mine. She also said that due to personal issues, she wanted a relationship with someone who cared about her without seeking something from her in return.
I should have seen this coming since day 2.
Is this an attainability issue? What should I have done? Was the yes-ladder the way to go?
My Reflection
- I've always said I want an emotional conenction and don't think about physical intimacy. But now I can't deny that I crave being able to hold her. I crave getting things from women, and I dreaded being isolated from her. I remember reading this wasn't a place for normal relationships, but I can't imagine not cold approaching, and I can no longer deny I want to get physical.
- I screwed up a lot. Hell, for the first month, I felt like every step I took would be the one that ended things. I learned to be outcome independent. And yet, she liked it all. I learned to play to win, not just to not lose. She admitted she liked me. She really liked me. Until I screwed up when having the relationship talk. But I won't screw up with the next girl, so it's alright, right?
- I guess the answer I never wanted to admit was whether I'm too lustful. To me, lust is a sin because it brings self ruin. Passion is a strength because it bring creation. I just ended a connection because I wanted something physical, preferably with a more exciting girl. I think that's lust. Or is it just passion?
