What are some conversations that NEED research?

[Average]

Alright, so I've figured out why I've had almost no friends my entire life. Its because I have the conversation skills of a tablecloth. But its not because I don't understand the mechanics or empathy or whatever. Its because I don't know ANYTHING about the topics people usually talk about.

For example: music artists, I don't know any cool musicians since I don't download any songs (I still don't know the members of one direction for example).

So....I wanted to ask you, my girlschase family, what exactly everybody talks about so I can do research on those topics. List as many (and as different) things as you like: soccer, trey songz, TV shows, etc. So long as I can research it....I would like to hear about it.

Keep in mind that I'm looking for friends (more specifically guy friends, as I've "friended" too many women already) so the topics should NOT result in sexual escalation.

I understand that some topics need months of research before they can be properly executed in conversation. Those are the ones that intimidate me the most and therefore....that I am interested in the most. So don't hold back please.

 

[Smith]

You're coming at it the wrong way. A conversation with another person doesn't need research. It's not a job interview. The purpose of a conversation is to have fun and have some laugh, maybe you'll exchange some facts along the way, but most importantly it's how you vibe with the other person. You don't need months of research to just talk to someone. I'm sure you already have years of life experience you can share, and that's how connection happens, when you're able to share your story, your opinions and what you think is funny with another person.

 

[Average]

You're coming at it the wrong way. A conversation with another person doesn't need research. It's not a job interview. The purpose of a conversation is to have fun and have some laugh, maybe you'll exchange some facts along the way, but most importantly it's how you vibe with the other person. You don't need months of research to just talk to someone. I'm sure you already have years of life experience you can share, and that's how connection happens, when you're able to share your story, your opinions and what you think is funny with another person.

I dunno man. I mean, when I look at my childhood, it seems like what I'm saying seems to be highly plausible. Growing up as a young kid was kinda easy because I literally did not care at all whether or not people liked me or not. And given my love for comedy I would just bullshit my way through jokes and "fun" my way through childhood. But a lot of complaints I kept receiving from the other kids were that I'm "never serious" or "too playful" or "always speaking nonesense".

In my first week of college, I kept things light with em ladies because I knew that was how they likeed being approached and I've made a few healthy friends.

However,

As the year progressed I found myself bullshitting more and more and deep diving less and less and the girls took me less seriously. And to me it seems that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I keep getting negative results when deep diving women at this stage.

The solution?......to relate.

I've been bullshitting my childhood away because I lacked many resources needed to know the things the other kids knew. And any piece of information which I could have used to relate I brushed off because of distractions. And what were these distractions you ask?

School and Anime.

If I wasn't doing schoolwork I was watching anime and vice versa. Anime isn't popular at all in this country and school as a topic was practically a faux pas.

So these two didn't help me socially.....at all.

So you see Smith. I really don't have much (if any) experience that can help me effortlessly handle topics because I simply don't have the required childhood experiences (human interactions, celebrity news, interesting facts or otherwise) to do that.

So I can either expose myself to all the possible topics out there and make faux pas after faux pas in an effort to learn....or I can do it the faster way, researching.

 

[Smith]

Go out and do something that will get you more life experience and you'll make friends along the way.

Anytime you share something about yourself, and it doesn't matter if it's anime, some people will resonate with you and some people won't and that's ok. You don't have to get along with everyone. That's why some people are your close friends because you can talk about anything with them, but with some people it doesn't matter how much deep diving you do, there's just no chemistry. Don't be too harsh on yourself if you're getting "negative" results when you deep dive. It's normal man. You're not gonna have chemistry with everyone. But if you feel like you don't have enough interesting life experience, then go out and create some. Find something you want to do. You won't know what you enjoy until you try it. Your "research" is go to out and try do more stuff, so you can be more relatable to more people.

 

[Big Daddy]

You know, one of my favorites authors it's Malcolm Gladwell. Not because of the subjects (I think his conclusions are overly simplistic and frequently disregard things that would ultimately influence the end result), but he is a phenomenal storyteller. I mean, the guy can find connections EVERYWHERE and link two (apparently) completely different subjects.

So I was researching about how to do the same and he said "well, I'm ultimately curious about stuff. I read stuff, I make notes about them, and later on I stumble on them with something else on my mind and I'm able to link them."

I agree with Smith that you are coming at this from the wrong angle. You might focus on how to make people interested in what you have to say, and I think the two easiest way to do that is a) relate back to stuff that they like and b) curiosity and storytelling.

If you don't think a specific subject is particularly fascinating, keep asking stuff in the direction that you want it to go want eventually you'll find something you can relate, tell a story and relate back to that person. Let's see and example where you try multiple angles until hitting something:

Girl: I love One Direction and pop bands
You: I actually don't know anything about pop bands. Which voice do you prefer?
Girl: Guy X
You: Do you know how to sing? (attempt #1)
Girl: Haha, no I don't
You: Anything artistic or maybe some other hobby then? (attempt #2)
Girl: No, I don't think so. Mostly studying...
You: Haha, kay. Well, what do you like about Guy X's voice? (atttempt #3)
Girl: I don't know, I just like it
You: Well, why him and not the others? (attempt #4)
Girl: He's more gentle, I don't know
You: And you think that's sexy? (finally getting somewhere)
Girl: Haha, kinda
You: You remembered me about a Italian girl I met. She said that guys from Northern Italy seduce girls by serenading then, might be a good idea for you to move there
Girl: Haha, probably
You: How do you like Italy? (let's say you guys love Italy and can relate back to each other, deep dive on this one)
Girl: blah blah blah

This example was overly exaggerated as your only objective was to get a response to her, and this girl was not investing at all (very short answers, only reacting). Just an example.

Here's a completely different (and more engaging) scenario: you say you know shit about One Direction, and ask her about their story. She tells you that they met in one of those singing TV shows, but ultimately lost (I actually Googled it). You say that you find AMAZING how they disregarded what some judge thought about them, and became successful. You then relate back to something you like, saying that your favorite NFL player was actually a 7th round pick, but he denied all odds and is on the hall of fame now.

You ask her about her career. She tells you about how she wants to be an actress. You say that you love people who work in artistic fields, even though you know shit about it, because it's very hard to be successful. You look her in the eyes and say that you love girls that disregard what other people say and follow their dreams. You ask about her life ten years from now, her dreams, fears and you let her do the talking and keep relating back.

You just have to be curious about them, keep deep diving, asking questions and when you find the jackpot just let them talk.

EDIT: Essentially, whenever you "NEED" to do research about a subject, the girl will be your Google and you'll make all your questions to her and let her talk once you find something you guys can related together.

 

[Average]

Ok. So what I'm reading is that I should deep dive. I've researched deep diving a bit and I feel pretty secure in that arena. And relating with people can be accomplished when I make a concious decision to do so. I feel a lot more at ease now and I thank you two for the responses. But there are a few things that are still worrying me:

1) Deep diving is usually her telling you about herself and her interests and qualities. But considering the high amount of times I do this, will it be possible for me to know everything about her and to run out of stuff to ask about because I know her that well? And if that does happen....what do I do? Because I've tried bullshitting afterwards (like they do in romance movies....where they seem to know each other so well that their bullshitting is in sync) but results end up deteriorating.

2) How do you deep dive groups? There are many instances where people are in a social circle and I have to address them holistically rather than individually. How do you deep dive a group considering the fact that the individuals themselves may each have their own experiences and may not be able to relate? Do I talk to the group as though it were one person? Or do I talk to each person one by one and hope everybody's having fun? Keep in mind that I currently belong to no social cirlce, and since most people built their circles already (while I was busy fixing my transfer) I will end up being the "new guy" so to speak.

I'm terrible at social circles. Its one of the reasons why I never got a girlfriend, because I was afraid she wouldn't be able to handle the life of an outsider. So I need a way to be accepted into a social circle. I know that as ambassadors of girlschase we are supposed to be leading the circles but I was a loner with a fuck-the-world mentality not so long ago and am still transitioning into the word of social circles. So for me....acceptance is better than nothing.

If you are determined to make me a leader rather than just a member then at least gimme easy stuff to go by or at least warn me about which are the advanced things to do so I can mentally prepare myself.

 

[Big Daddy]

1. It's supposed to get awkward after a while and it's a sign you should be moving things forward (to your bed). These are called escalation windows:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/quick ... ut-windows
https://www.girlschase.com/content/escalation-windows

2. Group dynamics are trickier and you won't be able to deep dive everyone. Most groups will have an alpha already, you don't want to clash with said alpha unless you're 100% sure the group wants someone to step up because he's not doing a great job leading.

You just need to befriend them and focus on talking to the girl you'd like to isolate and isolate her from the group (they won't do anything with you in front of their friends).

 

[Average]

BigDaddy,

I'm in a college scenario. Meaning that I'll be seeing the same old people and the same old groups all the time. So I guess that my questions are a bit vague. I'm trying to join a social circle which I will be a part of for the remainder of the year. So my questions are under that category: Permanent Social Circles

1. It's supposed to get awkward after a while and it's a sign you should be moving things forward (to your bed). These are called escalation windows:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/quick ... ut-windows
https://www.girlschase.com/content/escalation-windows

Alright, so in reference to my opening paragraph...what do I do with a girl who its gotten awkward with after deep diving for a while, who I have no intention of sleeping with and will see every single day of 2017? Do I continue to deep dive until I know every single explicit detail about her? And even if....then what will be the solution after I know it all about her and we arrive at awkward moments?

And aren't girls nervous to deep dive in crowded areas?

2. Group dynamics are trickier and you won't be able to deep dive everyone. Most groups will have an alpha already, you don't want to clash with said alpha unless you're 100% sure the group wants someone to step up because he's not doing a great job leading.

You just need to befriend them and focus on talking to the girl you'd like to isolate and isolate her from the group (they won't do anything with you in front of their friends).

Thanks for this. I can use the majority of the info in here to penetrate the defences of social circles.....But my problem is here:

You just need to befriend them

How? How do I befriend people who are in a social circle and I'm the outsider trying to get in? Do I make up a topic which the entire group can simultaneously join in? Do I speak to them one on one? Or do I keep a low profile? Or should I focus most of my energy on one person while dabbling with the group occasionally? In the scenario I'm speaking of.....No seduction. No target girl. I'm just trying to be part of a group which I can call my own.

 

[Big Daddy]

what do I do with a girl who its gotten awkward with after deep diving for a while, who I have no intention of sleeping with and will see every single day of 2017?

Oh, my bad, I was under the impression that you wanted to bed these girls. In this case, keep in mind that everything that I wrote in my previous response was coming for that angle, and that first example could come as weird depending on your tone.

In that case you want to switch between deep topics and light topics. Do you have brothers, or cousins? What topics do you talk about with your closest guy friend?

And aren't girls nervous to deep dive in crowded areas?

I would say there is not necessarily a correlation between crowded areas and comfort, though you can be sure I'm going the be skeptical as fuck if a guy that I don't know stop be in the street and start asking shit about my life. Multiply that by 100 if I were a girl.

So you want to communicate intent early-on ("I'm talking to you because I find you attractive and want to get to know you") and be warm. Obviously you'd have a better time deep diving her in a private setting, so you might want to suggest moving after you feel she's comfortable with your presence.

How? How do I befriend people who are in a social circle and I'm the outsider trying to get in? Do I make up a topic which the entire group can simultaneously join in? Do I speak to them one on one? Or do I keep a low profile? Or should I focus most of my energy on one person while dabbling with the group occasionally? In the scenario I'm speaking of.....No seduction. No target girl. I'm just trying to be part of a group which I can call my own.

This is the most complicated part. I didn't quite figured it out a way to consistently do it myself.

 

[Mr.Rob]

A) Get people to explain topics of conversation to you so you can understand what they're talking about + allows them to talk about something their passionate about.

B) What type of male friends do you want? Study and DO what those types of guys do/are interested in and join groups and do said activities with those guys. For me I want to meet people in self development, good with women, ambitious, into business, and go on cool adventures. I study and do all those things and I go places where those people hang out.

A great way to make friends is to become a part of a group working on a project your passionate about. Maybe it's learning how to dance, throwing an event, or joining a tight knight work organization. If you're forced to be around people to accomplish a similar mission often times you become friends by necessity.

Good luck,

 

[Average]

A) Get people to explain topics of conversation to you so you can understand what they're talking about + allows them to talk about something their passionate about.

B) What type of male friends do you want? Study and DO what those types of guys do/are interested in and join groups and do said activities with those guys. For me I want to meet people in self development, good with women, ambitious, into business, and go on cool adventures. I study and do all those things and I go places where those people hang out.

A great way to make friends is to become a part of a group working on a project your passionate about. Maybe it's learning how to dance, throwing an event, or joining a tight knight work organization. If you're forced to be around people to accomplish a similar mission often times you become friends by necessity.

Good luck,

Thanks. Mr.

My group fear has lowered. And if I combine this with a comment Franco made in a recent post, I'll have a deadly combination which may gaurantee my place in these groups. Thanks a lot man.

In that case you want to switch between deep topics and light topics. Do you have brothers, or cousins? What topics do you talk about with your closest guy friend?

And aren't girls nervous to deep dive in crowded areas?

I would say there is not necessarily a correlation between crowded areas and comfort, though you can be sure I'm going the be skeptical as fuck if a guy that I don't know stop be in the street and start asking shit about my life. Multiply that by 100 if I were a girl.

So you want to communicate intent early-on ("I'm talking to you because I find you attractive and want to get to know you") and be warm. Obviously you'd have a better time deep diving her in a private setting, so you might want to suggest moving after you feel she's comfortable with your presence.

Alright, switch between light and deep...that reminds me of a technique. Not sure if its push-pull or fractionation (or both) so it sounds like this will help me prolong any interaction almost indefinitely if I finesse it just right. I'll do more research about them. Thanks BigDaddy.

But....I just realized something in your post which I think I'm still kinda hazy on.

So you want to communicate intent early-on ("I'm talking to you because I find you attractive and want to get to know you") and be warm.

I used to approach girls using pick-up lines to show my intent, but they rarely worked because they showed her I was head over heels for her whether I really was or not. So is there anyway for me to show my intent in a strong, sexy way without chasing her?

And are things different in a college scenario? If I show intent and she rejects me or whatever....won't that hurt my reputation? Or will she tell her friends about me and kill my rep even more once she sees me hitting on her friends or classmates? That's usually why I approach girls lowkey or looking like approaching everybody is just in my genes.

But this fear is also what keeps me from approaching the majority of girls who I actually can and should approach.

Anyway, I feel like this is my last question for this post. So thanks to everybody for the replies.

So....yes or no on communicating intent to girls I'll see a lot?