What did I do wrong?

[Anonymous]

Background. I meat this girl through a social website were a large group of random young singles in the same city go out to a bar and hang out. We went on two dates prior to this and they seem to have went well though we didn't kiss. She is very hard to read so I never knew weather to make a move or not.
Ok so I spent the day with this girl. She called me in the morning to help her assemble furniture she bought from Ikea.
I came over and helped her build and even helped her return a mattress that after realizing she had order the wrong size. We had joked around and were a good team. We flirted and she told me that she enjoyed bieng around me. Well I had planned a date with a different girl (though I didn't tell her that was the reason), so I told her that I had to leave. She told me that she didn't want me to go and proceeded to have a fit. She told me that if I left she would not hang out with me anymore. I asked her why I could not leave and she said she was stressed and wanted me to be there to comfort her, I argued a bit, but eventually caved and stayed around. She wanted to go to a pub crawl together. She was excited and playful the way over. However once we got the location. She would make small talk with other guys, some that she knew and one of the guys asked her what was going on between her and another guy named Sean. She said that they had been broken up for three months.
This kind of was awkward and kind of annoyed me so I didn't feel comfortable and didn't talk to her much. Instead I started mingling with people around us. She tried to start a conversation with me but I was not able to stop thinking about the guy and weather they were truly broken up. Well I eventually got it off my mind and just focused on making the most of the situation. So I started drinking and talking to people around me. Well she did not really seem interested in meeting people and she kind of made it awkward when I tried to socialize.
She kept wanting to be alone and would not separate herself from me. Which was fine but she did not talk much so I was kind of confused.
She keep telling me that I looked good and smiling at me, but later when a guy asked if we were together and she told him no so I got even more confused. So I started to talk to more people. A guy took her away and was trying to flirt with her so I just let it be and started talking to a freind that happened to show up. It was a girl I know through a mutual friend. I was talking to her for a bit until the girl I was with told me she wanted to leave. She looked a little annoyed, but when I asked she just said she was tired. I took her home and we were both tired. I tried to huge her and she pushed me away. She wont answer my calls. I don’t know what I did wrong. She is hot one minute and then cold the next. I have had this happen once before, when I took a girl out to a bar where other people are. Did I do something or am I just hanging out with weird girls?
I know I am a good looking guy and will find another girl, but I do not want to repeat this cycle. Please help!

 

[goldenglory]

As far as I can tell, your main mistakes here were moving too slowly and being too hard to get. I'd look up chase's articles on auto-rejection and moving faster. There's also an article on helping women too much that you might want to check out. ('Can I help you?' I think it's called.) Tbh though, I don't think the latter is why you are losing the girl in this instance.

In a nutshell, you should have made a move earlier. Making a move period would have been a good start! If you're not sure whether a girl is interested, as a rule of thumb you should go for it regardless. If she does like you, then she's not going to suddenly lose attraction for you because you tried to kiss her. If she doesn't like you then at least you found out that you were barking up the wrong tree. For the record, all the signs are there that this girl really likes (or liked!) you.

So I think you've probably pissed her off through showing not enough interest. Basically she's put herself out there big time but you haven't reciprocated by pulling the trigger. Now she's going cold as a defence-mechanism. A lot of people emphasise that you don't want to seem too 'keen' with girls. Obviously that's true, but you can definitely swing too far the other way. I reckon I've lost way more girls through being too aloof, than I have through showing too much interest. You say you're a pretty good looking guy. In that case, your main challenge will often be stopping girls from feeling put out, as opposed to getting them attracted in the first place.

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your reply. You make a very good point. I didn't realize she how much she was putting herself out there for me. She is a very cute girl and could have easily had any guys attention, but chose to hang around me. I see now that I should have paid more attention to her. I will try not to make that mistake again.

 

[Rasta]

Going to a pub with a girl when she has already shown interest is not the greatest idea. You said it yourself, other guys were trying to flirt with her and pulling her away from you. One of two things will happen here. Either you try and 'protect' her from other guys in a direct or indirect way, and this will probably result in you being put in the friend zone. Or you just let other guys flirt with her and you have competition. You were already at her place where it was just you and her, that's a perfect environment!

It also sounds to me like you put a lot more effort into her than she did for you. You helped her with the furniture, then she asked you to help her return the mattress and you agreed, and then she even made you stay with her when you were supposed to go to a date. According to Chase's articles(Law of Least Effort,Effort and Investing), this will be counter productive.

Just a few things to keep in mind. Good luck!

 

[Flames]

Things you did wrong.

1) Not leaving when you said you 'had to'
2) Going to a place where they'd be other guys,
3) Leaving her place
4) Not escalting, when you were at her place and she said she was 'stressed'. I would have been thinking
Massage? Straight away there.
5) Being Jealous/Awkward when he mentioned other guys
6) Letting her slip away
7) Giving her a lift home after she'd basically treated you like crap. I'd have gone already, though you could have just 'moved' her to another location.

Things you did right

1) Socialising with the people round you, albeit because she'd gone off ad left you.

There's probably more but I guess you'll get the idea, you should her stayed at her place got a take-away & a bottle of wine and eventually lead her to the bedroom.

Oh yeah and you let her decide what you wanted to do, so you didn't lead at all.

Hope that helps.

 

[Light]

Things you did wrong.

1) Not leaving when you said you 'had to'
2) Going to a place where they'd be other guys,
3) Leaving her place
4) Not escalting, when you were at her place and she said she was 'stressed'. I would have been thinking
Massage? Straight away there.
5) Being Jealous/Awkward when he mentioned other guys
6) Letting her slip away
7) Giving her a lift home after she'd basically treated you like crap. I'd have gone already, though you could have just 'moved' her to another location.

Things you did right

1) Socialising with the people round you, albeit because she'd gone off ad left you.

There's probably more but I guess you'll get the idea, you should her stayed at her place got a take-away & a bottle of wine and eventually lead her to the bedroom.

Oh yeah and you let her decide what you wanted to do, so you didn't lead at all.

Hope that helps.

What Flames Said.

You had the rabbit in the cage, but you opened it for her to run back to the green grass, where you had to make an effort to catch it again.
Run rabbit run rabbit run... run... run...

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for your help! This was bugging the hell out of me, because I really liked the girl and everything seemed to be fine before that night. I think I get it now. I invested too much (did whatever she asked without putting up much of a challenge), I wasn't leading, and I got too jealous of any male competition. I realize now that ultimately she got fed up that I ignored her and didn't try to take things to the next level. Hopefully I will learn my lesson.

 

[Flames]

Actually TBH. Her going off with other guys would piss me off to a certain extent, what they do in their own time when I'm not there doesn't bother me, but if they say let's go out and do x, and they basically go off and chat to you friends etc etc that's one thing I think would really bug me.

That being said I have had something similar happen in the distant past and at the end of the night she came back and slept with me, so it not neccerserily an indication of how the night will end.

Conversely I'm not to bothered if guys are hitting on the misses at the bar coz I know she'll smile, make polite convo and then bring me back my drink