What do I do when I bump into a friend who suddenly ignores me?

[Calibration]

This could be a very basic question but I'd like to know different perspectives

It's happened a few times. It's mostly with guys. From what I've deduced, they'd be butthurt for not inviting them to one of the parties or I'd have hooked up with a girl they were trying to get for a long time. Some of them are straightforward and would know the reason but others I wouldn't have a clue. So, when i see them at a party, they outright ignore me and if someone is watching, they'd be wondering why I'm being ignored and it's kinda awkward

My go-to reaction is to just take control of the situation and proactively start talking to them. Sometimes due to social pressure, they budge but again it comes across as try-hard and I'll be putting myself on the line. What would you guys do?

 

[Will_V]

It depends entirely on what they think you did wrong by them. You can't force anyone to like you or talk to you, you've got to make them want to.

You talk a lot about how you feel but the only thing you say about them is they're butthurt. I suggest you dig a bit deeper into that if you want to know how to reconnect (or if it's worthwhile). Did you have a good reason for not inviting them, for example, if they are really friends you value and want around?

Also, don't be afraid to 'put yourself on the line', you're not going to get exiled to some other planet. Influential people lead interactions (and seductions) rather than follow along, they just know how to get end up getting the investment they want.

 

[Calibration]

Did you have a good reason for not inviting them, for example, if they are really friends you value and want around?

No, I wouldn't want them and I'd not have invited them cos they'd be value leeches. I don't want to connect with them outside that party I'm in but I also don't want to be seen as someone "not liked" by most people there

 

[Will_V]

No, I wouldn't want them and I'd not have invited them cos they'd be value leeches. I don't want to connect with them outside that party I'm in but I don't want to also be seen as someone "not liked" by most people there

In that case you need to establish a boundary between you and them that doesn't preclude them liking you and wanting to talk to you. A significantly higher social status is really the main way I can see that happening. Perhaps they don't think you have much (or any) more status than them. Another is to treat them in such a way that they feel like talking to you is in itself a reward - i.e. charm - although that's harder to do with people you see often as they become used to you.

In the end, friendship is give and take, if one person has more 'value' it can be lopsided, but they still need to feel like they got something valuable in exchange for what they gave you.

What do you think you offer them that they value?

 

[Calibration]

It would be more appropriate to call them as acquaintances instead of friends since there is no real value exchange between us except that we see eachother in few social gatherings.

Btw, when I asked the question, I had a specific guy in mind who used to be a friend who turned into an acquaintance. I used to have a social circle and since I didn't manage the boundaries well back then (my nice guy days) he pulled some of the people from my group and created his group. So, I stopped inviting him to future events. Now, whenever I meet him, he ignores me which is what I should be doing ideally.
BTW, the people I mentioned earlier as value leeches are those with whom I hadnt set proper boundaries during my nice guy days several years ago. I live in a small City and we run into each other quite often

 

[Will_V]

It would be more appropriate to call them as acquaintances instead of friends since there is no real value exchange between us except that we see eachother in few social gatherings.

Btw, when I asked the question, I had a specific guy in mind who used to be a friend who turned into an acquaintance. I used to have a social circle and since I didn't manage the boundaries well back then (my nice guy days) he pulled some of the people from my group and created his group. So, I stopped inviting him to future events. Now, whenever I meet him, he ignores me which is what I should be doing ideally.
BTW, the people I mentioned earlier as value leeches are those with whom I hadnt set proper boundaries during my nice guy days several years ago. I live in a small City and we run into each other quite often

That's a bit different, if you've already set a precedent with them of being too accommodating, it's much harder to change. You'll probably just have to accept a bit of cold shoulder as you reassert yourself.

That said, in a sense I think you have to accept responsibility for what you did in the past, and that means that maybe you have to be the one to lead the new type of interaction so that it goes where you want it to go. At least to see if it can be changed. But doing it this time with a view to getting what you want from it.

Not being a 'nice guy' is not about going all alpha and trying to squeeze every drop of investment from other people without giving anything. It's really about being self-centered, in a good way, and valuing your boundaries more than the needs or desires of others. But if being a bit generous with your attention does end up getting you what you want, then why not? And if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter, because you can easily walk away from something that doesn't work out.

 

[Searcher]

This could be a very basic question but I'd like to know different perspectives

It's happened a few times. It's mostly with guys. From what I've deduced, they'd be butthurt for not inviting them to one of the parties or I'd have hooked up with a girl they were trying to get for a long time. Some of them are straightforward and would know the reason but others I wouldn't have a clue. So, when i see them at a party, they outright ignore me and if someone is watching, they'd be wondering why I'm being ignored and it's kinda awkward

My go-to reaction is to just take control of the situation and proactively start talking to them. Sometimes due to social pressure, they budge but again it comes across as try-hard and I'll be putting myself on the line. What would you guys do?

There might be some sort of value imbalance here where you both might be underestimating the value you provide each other.
You call them butthurt but you seem to be the one who cares more about them ignoring you, very strange...

"when i see them at a party, they outright ignore me and if someone is watching, they'd be wondering why I'm being ignored and it's kinda awkward" (You can always go talk to other people, Why are you reliant on these group of people)

a) Are you absolutely sure that not inviting them to the party is the reason they are ignoring you?
b) Are you sure you didn't do some social climbing joke or ended up looking "too cool for school" at some point of time?
c) Are you sure you asked for compliance at any point of time in the right way as in making a request rather than a demand?
(This article points out some of those things https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-word-your-requests-so-they-never-get-rejected )
d) Are you sure you didn't try to lead them in a domineering way (Sometimes I see people/guys especially invite themselves by trying to lead on my plan. Ex - I say that I am going somewhere to get something and they invite themselves and try to lead saying say "Let's go and do 'Whatever I was trying to do alone' ".this especially is very dis-empowering and irritating)


If the case is actually that they are ignoring you because you didn't invite them to some party then you have two options.

1) Invite them to parties and see if they change their behavior.
2) Ignore them if you don't feel like they are of any value to you or mending the relationship will result in you investing much more then them.

This of course must be such that it doesn't cross your boundaries or you over extend yourself.