What else could I try?

[Archivar]

I've been around for a long time, but not regularly, in the dating world. Sometimes I did nothing for a long time, then I became more active again, then I was in a relationship.
But the older I get, the more rejections drag me down.
When I walk around town, I make eye contact with women I meet who I find attractive, so there used to be prolonged eye contact. I used this as an invitation to approach this woman.
In other words, there was sometimes attraction. I no longer have this experience today. Women look at me briefly, then their gaze wanders off, neither in disgust, nor in attraction, I could be an old man who blends in with the surrounding.
I am apparently simply uninteresting. If I nevertheless address such women directly with "I know this is unusual, but I want to tell you that I find you attractive", I either hear the boyfriend line, or something else.
What the reactions have in common is that there is no attraction. Not even when I think about sex with her. I keep eye contact, I don't grin stupidly. But there is just nothing there, and nothing develops in the conversation.
There is no opener that has worked often. I use the direct opener only because it is often recommended, given that women give me indifferent feedback that lacks substance(aka "I have a boyfriend and I have to go")
I could go on now, of course, to approach women. But the anger of being rejected with this ridiculous boyfriend line has increased enormously in the past. The disrespect that comes with it is degrading and it takes it's toll on my psyche.
What else could I try?

 

[StrayDog]

Sounds like you are purely gambling here. Doing the same approach over and over. It might have worked when you were younger (how old are you any way, unless you're approaching your 60's this shouldn't even be an element ?). being older does change things, but only a little, and you can adjust your game to it. I don't thing the problem here is your age

Just being straight up, this sort of eye contact, then direct approach doesn't work very well in general. But before that. How are your fundamentals? Your style, your walk, your presence, your voice, how you old your self and move about the world? Do you take care of your self? This is crucial. An older man with a sublime fashion sense is like a fine wine. There are dozens of articles on girlschase about the subject of fundamentals. Study up.

Holding eye contact can sometimes come across as creepy if it is not done right. While it is a potent tool in the tool kit I would not say that it is not always the best device to elicit approach invitations. Honestly, during day game, I rarely use it before the approach. Try this next time. Move about your environment in a slow deliberate manner as if you are just super relaxed, and confidently enjoying your day. If you are at a place of commerce you are just casually perusing. When you spot a woman that catches your attention (figuratively) quickly in your mind the assess situation. What are the surrounds. What are some qualities and characteristics about her. Sometimes you have to make this assessment quickly, sometimes you have more time. Now, at this point you don't want her to notice you assessing things, so don't make a big deal about it. For all any one knows you are just going about your day. Determine an angle of approach that won't be uncalibrated and catch her off guard. Now is when you want her to start to notice you. You casually start to walk within her sphere of awareness. Now, there are man different scenarios of how this might play out given the circumstances so your just gonna have to experiment. You still don't want to acknowledge her presence yet. At this point she may wonder if you are approaching her, but you are focused on other things not her. You do not want to draw this process out too long though, avoiding just lingering. You want it to almost feel as though you are just meandering and then once you are in a solid position to open her you just kind of noticed her there. This is when your attention turns toward her. Your energy here has to be casual and easy going. What you open with has to do with a number of factors, you're gonna have to experiment and get creative. You can go situational ("chose those herbs wisely, they could make or break the meal your cooking") or semi-direct ("I just want to appreciate this scarf you're wearing right now, its very creative"). Can that "I think you're cute" line though. It's not working for you. Chances are, if your fundamentals are tight, you primed the approach but allowing her to be aware of your presence before opening, approached in a casual easy going manner, and opened with ease and confidence, she will be receptive at least for just a brief moment. Now, getting a conversation going can sometimes be like trying to turn an engine that won't quite turn. You have to turn the key a few times before you have those cylinders purring. So, you have to follow up the opener based on her response. Could be a number of things but here are a few pointers. If the opener really clicks (and doesn't get too neutral of a response) follow that a bit longer ("are you an artist, you definitely have to be creative if you're dressing that way") ("so, are you having a dinner party or just an herbal aficionado?). If the opener doesn't quite hit, maybe throw something else out there, if you went situational maybe comment on her style, or vice versa. Be creative. Unless you have really hit on a strong subject don't dwell too long. Keep things flowing. A tool that real helps me is reading between the lines and reflecting the sub context back at her. For example: you open saying her scarf is creative, she says thanks I got it on a trip to India, you say "sounds like you appreciate new and adventurous experiences". This technique really helps her feel noticed. keep the conversation about her, but also be sure to relate it to yourself from time to time so you feel like a real person to her. "Oh yeah, there was a period in my life when I just couldn't seem to stop traveling, I know what its like to have that sort of wanderlust. Where else have you been that you've really liked". There are myriads of different techniques and girlschase is dedicated to sharing that knowledge. Study up. Pay for the subscription its worth it (no I am not selling you anything, I don't work for them). One last note on this subject: you want to keep the interaction man to woman (without being to direct about it). If she starts to wonder why the heck you are talking to her the chemistry can really fizzle out and you quickly become just a friendly stranger.

You can't be playing this game of waiting for a woman to make eye contact. The mindset behind that is basical (I need to know that she wants me first). You are a man, you decide what YOU want and you go for it. You don't just say "I want you" (which is what saying I think you're cute essentially is) and wait for her to accept or reject you. You approach her in an evaluating manner. You approached because you wanted to see what she is about, not because you want her defacto. If the connection is strong and you want to keep in touch you tell her "well hey, I'm going to grab your number" as you hand her your phone. You don't ask her "can I have your number please". Or maybe you follow the energy on an instant date. But no more putting your self in "please like me" position. "Do I like you" "do we click" that's the frame.

Also, always bears repeating. Work on your fundamentals

all the best
Stray Dog

 

[StrayDog]

Oh and a quick note on the boyfriend line, it could mean a number of things. Don't accept it defacto. Gather casually gather a bit more information about it, and if you are hitting it off brush it off. Maybe you discover that "well its not actually quite a boyfriend girlfriend thing". And no, it is not disrespectful to you for her to say she has a boyfriend. She doesn't owe you anything.

 

[Archivar]

And yes, it is disrespectful to me for her to say she has a boyfriend, because by doing that she reduces me to "yet another guy", a peasant, someone not even worth giving any attention, not even worth getting emotional for. Shouting at you is less disrespectful than being blasé.
Approaching her in a respectful manner makes her owe me a respectful reply.

By the way, the term "She doesn't owe you anything." is like "Don't hate the player, hate the game" or "the police officer is just doing his job, change the laws instead of despising or attacking him".

They sound right but they are not. Because she is part of a society if she wants to or not. If the player did not play, there was no game. And the police officer is the only tangible part in government action. You cannot reach the government, as their representatives are heavily guarded. But to enforce the government's will, you do have direct contact with police.

So yes, it is disrespectful by a woman and your subconscious proves you right when you hear it over and over. Depression does not come out of nowhere, it is rejection over and over in many subtle ways that causes it.

"We don't want you" is a death sentence for mammals' psyche.

If you dismiss it with "She doesn't owe you anything." you have no idea how the mind and society works. And you add insult to injury.

I will address your other, better part later.

 

[StrayDog]

And yes, it is disrespectful to me for her to say she has a boyfriend, because by doing that she reduces me to "yet another guy", a peasant, someone not even worth giving any attention, not even worth getting emotional for. Shouting at you is less disrespectful than being blasé.
Approaching her in a respectful manner makes her owe me a respectful reply.

By the way, the term "She doesn't owe you anything." is like "Don't hate the player, hate the game" or "the police officer is just doing his job, change the laws instead of despising or attacking him".

They sound right but they are not. Because she is part of a society if she wants to or not. If the player did not play, there was no game. And the police officer is the only tangible part in government action. You cannot reach the government, as their representatives are heavily guarded. But to enforce the government's will, you do have direct contact with police.

So yes, it is disrespectful by a woman and your subconscious proves you right when you hear it over and over. Depression does not come out of nowhere, it is rejection over and over in many subtle ways that causes it.

"We don't want you" is a death sentence for mammals' psyche.

If you dismiss it with "She doesn't owe you anything." you have no idea how the mind and society works. And you add insult to injury.

I will address your other, better part later.

Maybe you're right, though I tend to see it differently. For me though the question is what perspective will be helpful in building cool connections with women. Lets say she is totally inaccurate in her world view of viewing me as just another guy. Well, I could be bitter about it. Or I can just accept that that is her view of reality, no matter how innacurate it may be. In her world I have done very little to differentiate myself from just another guy. Another of the plethora of men she deals with daily that tell her she is cute, or stare at her as she walks by. Maybe she even has thousands upon thousands of men essentially doing this with her via social media at any given moment. Or lets say I connect with her a little more than just "I think you are cute" and I still get a line about her having a boyfriend or not being interested. Well my guess is she also has a plethora of fun, somewhat interesting interactions with men on the regular, and for whatever reason I don't stand out. That is her reality. The more I come to understand her reality, the more I can empathize with it. Then I can start to interact with her reality in a way that is compelling to her. Where she is saying to herself "this guy gets me". Then I stand out from the crowd and am not just another guy. One might say that I don't understand reality as a whole, or how society works. And hey they might be right. I mean most of us don't have it all figured out. But to her, I understand her, and that's what counts to her and that's why she wants me in her life.
I know damn well the pain of rejection and how it can compound itself in ones psyche. I have always just seen rejection as an opportunity to learn an that pain as a driving force to do better. The more I learn, the less rejection seems to phase me. I have come to realize that often times that feeling of pain is just something I am creating for myself in my mind, some mind trip I am playing on myself, and that it is really just a matter of perspective. But that's just my experience

 

[Archivar]

I figured that what I don't exude is confidence anymore. I wasn't very confident back then, but sometimes I was. I just didn't know what to do to actually increase it. When everything was in order in my life, I was a chick magnet. With the mentioned direct approach.

I am 41, look like 35. I also don't think my age is key, what's key is this seemingly intangible behaviour called confidence.

There is always room for improvement, but my style and my walk are fine. My presence is not, my voice is fine

Where is the "how to dress in your 40ies" section?

Holding eye contact comes across as creepy if she is not attracted to you.

How do you produce casual and easy going energy?

I don't like statements like "choose those herbs wisely, they could make or break the meal your cooking" as they distract from the goal. They make it seem as if you had all the time and patience in the world and they make it easy for the conversation to fade into a "was nice talking to you, I have to go meet my friends" from her.

The situation is stressful enough, you don't want to make it harder for yourself by going mental places you cannot easily transition from to sex.

I feel very uncomfortable saying "I just want to appreciate this scarf you're wearing right now, its very creative" because what I think about then is being a creepy uncle stickyhands trying to get into my nieces pants. And that with 25 yo.

There is a problem with "if the fundamentals are tight, you primed the approach but allowing her to be aware of your presence before opening, approached in a casual easy going manner, and opened with ease and confidence,". The problem is that not all of those are required to get laid. You make it seem as if you had not all in place, nothing would happen. By doing that, you deter people who could get laid. I assume in your best interest that you were not aware of that.

I say, my problem are assumptions about myself that are not helpful. As in

"You are 41, you are not Elon Musk. You will never ever have sex with any woman younger than 30. Accept it, you creep, your life is over. Only disgusting women over 30 with self-esteem issues are available for you".

Then if I approach younger women and they reject me, they will do it due to my lack of confidence and nothing else. And I will talk to myself that they did because I was 41.

Yes, getting a conversation going can sometimes be like trying to turn an engine that won't quite turn, that's a great metaphor.

Statements like "are you an artist, you definitely have to be creative if you're dressing that way" require interest in her like that. I am disinterested in that.

So much that women outright said to me "you don't care about this really, do you?". I also don't see it as a requirement to pretend to care about something, you wouldn't care about after you had sex with her.

When you open saying her scarf is creative, she says thanks I got it on a trip to India, you say "sounds like you appreciate new and adventurous experiences", you are a very good conversationalist - but not a good seducer.

The statement "Oh yeah, there was a period in my life when I just couldn't seem to stop traveling, I know what its like to have that sort of wanderlust. Where else have you been that you've really liked" sounds like you are an introvert.

While the other parts are not that important, your statement about keeping the interaction man to woman (without being too direct about it) is what I find most interesting, and this is where confidence comes in.

Let's talk about this, mainly, because this is what it is about ime.

I say what matters are not stories far away, but what happens right here right now.

You are dishonest by saying "You are a man, you decide what YOU want and you go for it." and then talking about her hobbies and her travels that don't mean anything to you.

I know "You approach her in an evaluating manner." and I don't like it.

I am a man and I like her for her looks. That's it. Everything else is again incongruent. It might satisfy her desire for "prince charming", but who says that she needs to get what she was told to want to have sex with her?

What if all those rapport building conversations were utterly unnecessary, would delay sex, even make it impossible?

all the best
Moi

 

[Archivar]

Maybe you're right, though I tend to see it differently. For me though the question is what perspective will be helpful in building cool connections with women. Lets say she is totally inaccurate in her world view of viewing me as just another guy. Well, I could be bitter about it. Or I can just accept that that is her view of reality, no matter how innacurate it may be. In her world I have done very little to differentiate myself from just another guy. Another of the plethora of men she deals with daily that tell her she is cute, or stare at her as she walks by. Maybe she even has thousands upon thousands of men essentially doing this with her via social media at any given moment. Or lets say I connect with her a little more than just "I think you are cute" and I still get a line about her having a boyfriend or not being interested. Well my guess is she also has a plethora of fun, somewhat interesting interactions with men on the regular, and for whatever reason I don't stand out. That is her reality. The more I come to understand her reality, the more I can empathize with it. Then I can start to interact with her reality in a way that is compelling to her. Where she is saying to herself "this guy gets me". Then I stand out from the crowd and am not just another guy. One might say that I don't understand reality as a whole, or how society works. And hey they might be right. I mean most of us don't have it all figured out. But to her, I understand her, and that's what counts to her and that's why she wants me in her life.
I know damn well the pain of rejection and how it can compound itself in ones psyche. I have always just seen rejection as an opportunity to learn an that pain as a driving force to do better. The more I learn, the less rejection seems to phase me. I have come to realize that often times that feeling of pain is just something I am creating for myself in my mind, some mind trip I am playing on myself, and that it is really just a matter of perspective. But that's just my experience

To summarize, you try to understand where she is coming from to create rapport?

You sound like you have no emotions holding you back from trying to be compassionate.

Why do you care more about not being like the other guys than being unapologetically you?

Why should you not be good enough by being who you are if your behaviour resembles the last 15 guys(I assume there are way less men who approached her)?

 

[StrayDog]

I am unapologetically myself, and I don't care about me being not like the other guys. She does.

I wouldn't say it is to build rapport per se. Just that if I am aware that in her world I am just another guy until she sees a reason to view me any other way, than I am able to then approach her from an angle (figuratively speaking) that helps her recognize how I am unique to her world. Until then I might as well be jack shit to her and that's just the way it goes because she's just doing her and I am just some stranger. Ultimately you can't force someone into being compelled towards you. all you can do is be compelling, in your own unapologetic way, in way that fits into her world and sense of reality. If you are compelling and seductive enough she will want to be apart of your world and sense of reality, and she will make room in her life for that to happen. In this sense I tend to see rejection as A: our worlds were just a bit too far apart for there to be any real chemistry. B: There were strong factors and influences in her life that made it hard for her to be open to the chemistry necessary for real chemistry (I.e. she actually has a boyfriend she really loves, or her friend just died) or C: I got in my own way and failed to present myself in a compelling manner that was calibrated to her as an individual.

 

[Archivar]

Because she cares and you care about her, you are not unapologetically yourself, and you do care about you not being like the other guys. That's what your whole paragraph was about.

Be aware of this.

 

[StrayDog]

Well you seem to have a pretty clear understand of what you feel leads to intimacy with women here. My approach has for the most part seemed to work well for me. But not might not work for you. Or maybe some other guys approach resonates with you more. All the best. May the women be bountiful in your life

 

[Archivar]

Yes, I am not utterly clueless, I notice when replies go off-topic, contradict my experiences or do not help me or others or are actually wrong. You seem to assume the role of a teacher who has it all figured out and does not want to be questioned.

As you prefer this over accepting different experiences to actually grow, I also prefer other participants to reply to my post over you.

 

[topcat]

Yes, I am not utterly clueless, I notice when replies go off-topic, contradict my experiences or do not help me or others or are actually wrong. You seem to assume the role of a teacher who has it all figured out and does not want to be questioned.

As you prefer this over accepting different experiences to actually grow, I also prefer other participants to reply to my post over you.

 

[Chase]

@Archivar,

@StrayDog covers it well here.

You’re using a recently-trendy style of game we’ve taken to dubbing ‘neo-direct’.

In it, the man approaches a woman and point blank hits her with a very generic direct statement of interest, then crosses his fingers and hopes she reciprocates.

Women, drowning in these sorts of approaches lately, have developed an auto-pilot “when receiving a neo-direct approach, respond with ‘I have a boyfriend’” dismissal, and you are encountering this auto-pilot rejection.

Your position appears to be, “Doing anything other than what I am doing will be untrue to myself / wasting my time. So I have to continue approaching women in this way women automatically reject. However I am getting angry at women for rejecting it.”

The simple fact is:

1. Neo-direct is the most ineffective way to approach women, second only to the nice-guy friend zone
   
   
2. Women have an automatic defense to neo-direct approaches that rejects without consideration
   
   
3. The only way around this autopilot response is to do something that is NOT neo-direct

You have a couple of choices here:

• You can continue doing what you’re doing, which is the equivalent of wearing a sign around your neck that reads “Boring, Generic, Totally Average Guy, Available & Interested in You!”… I don’t think you want this
  
  
• You can try doing something else

My suggestion is to start with the Newbie Assignment, which is here:

Newbie Assignment

Introduction If you're brand new to the idea of approaching getting better with women and dating as a skill set, not to worry - most people in most parts of the world don't think of it that way yet, either. The great news is, anything can be learned as a skill - be that thing painting, writing...

www.skilledseducer.com

If you want to better understand why the kinds of approaches you’re making are consistently falling flat, see Alek’s 3-part series on what this trend of neo-direct is and why it does not work:

Neo-Direct Game, Simping, & Women's High Standards

Guys who try ‘gaming’ women with this new-style “neo-direct” game aren’t gaming girls. They’re simping IRL. Which explains the harsh rejections neo-direct gamers get. Note: I will be criticizing super-direct (neo-direct) game in this post. However, I want to emphasize that I am not attacking...

www.girlschase.com

How Did Direct Game Pickup Grow So Popular?

It seems like every guy runs direct game on the girls he meets these days. But how’d direct get to be so popular? It wasn’t always so… Hey guys. So today I wanted to share some clarifications on a subject I have discussed in-depth in 2021: namely the whole “direct versus indirect game” subject...

www.girlschase.com

How REAL Direct Game Works... Compared with Neo-Direct

Real direct game has a lot of nuance and flavor that overly simplistic “neo-direct” lacks. What are the differences? All spelled out for you to see. Hey guys, and welcome back. Contents I. Real Direct Game The Use of Pre-opening Techg The Not-So-Direct Approach II. Frame Control Calibration...

www.girlschase.com

Now, it also sounds like you are having attraction problems when you experiment with different openers, too, which suggests either your fundamentals are lacking or your initial conversations simply aren’t engaging. Probably the former if it is happening right at the beginning and you are not even making it past the opener. For more details on fundamentals, see here:

How Many Attraction Factors are There? Infinite

One of the biggest obstacles for a lot of men when it comes to improving with women is fixating on the wrong thing. Much of this seems to come from improper understanding of some of the raw basics of attraction. When you see guys get hung up on one specific characteristic and blame that as the...

www.girlschase.com

Also be sure to read up on troubleshooting your opener to diagnose what's wrong:

Troubleshooting Your Opening

Had a discussion with a friend of mine the other day where he asked me if I ever got the scenario of walking up to a girl, engaging her, and having her blankly stare at me and not respond. He asked because he wondered what it meant – in other words, what he might be doing wrong. And it touched...

www.girlschase.com

You can make conversations more engaging with a.) contagious energy and/or b.) fun, flirtatious conversation. Examples for each of those here:

Bring the Energy: Being the Life of the Party

My good friend David – who also goes by “Asian Rake” – made a point some time ago that set the gears working in my head. He said something along the lines of, “You know what I’ve realized all naturals have in common? They build up the energy of everyone around them.” This was something I’d...

www.girlschase.com

Conversation Example

An example conversation (and accompanying point-by-point breakdown) with a woman just met, from the bumpy beginning to a bit after reaching the conversation's "hook point." A few weeks back one of the readers here requested I get up an example of how a typical conversation goes for me with a new...

www.girlschase.com

Finally, make sure you also give this article a read, and try to figure out which of the issues in it you’re running into in particular:

What to Do When Your Approach Just Isn't Working

What do you do if you try to improve with women, but nothing seems to work? There are 8 reasons this happens – and you can beat them all. Girls Chase has been around for almost nine years. We’ve collected hundreds of case studies, success stories, and testimonials over the years, both solicited...

www.girlschase.com

You’re in a rut; you’re going to need to start experimenting with new things to get out of it.

Identify the problem, then the solution, or experiment enough you stumble onto a solution, and you will leave that rut.

Hope this helps,
Chase

 

[Archivar]

The problems I see:

• The requirement of a good mood for pickup
• The requirement of practising different stages when you always have to first find then approach girls to do that with. You walk around and don't find any for ages. Then all of a sudden everything has to be in order, your voice, your mood(!), your movement. Therefore you will never learn.
• The requirement for good clothing style, which is never being defined with the excuse that everyone was different.
• The dismissal of your character for it to be molded into another character. Most methods do not take your unfair advantages into account and especially do they only vaguely address your unfair disadvantages.
• The lack of game with couples, the contradiction of "I am a man I choose yada yada yada" and "Oh she has a boyfriend I am gone".

 

[Michal]

The problems I see:

• The requirement of a good mood for pickup
• The requirement of practising different stages when you always have to first find then approach girls to do that with. You walk around and don't find any for ages. Then all of a sudden everything has to be in order, your voice, your mood(!), your movement. Therefore you will never learn.
• The requirement for good clothing style, which is never being defined with the excuse that everyone was different.
• The dismissal of your character for it to be molded into another character. Most methods do not take your unfair advantages into account and especially do they only vaguely address your unfair disadvantages.
• The lack of game with couples, the contradiction of "I am a man I choose yada yada yada" and "Oh she has a boyfriend I am gone".

I understand where you are coming from because I had these points/thoughts on my mind at some point in life as well. And if you are in a rut as Chase says and you yourself describe as such... then for the most part, you are right about these points. But in grandscheme of things, they are not as accurate. Imagine you were a great athelete and played 1st league. Now you had couple of injuries and your physical state is not up there anymore so you cannot play the 1st league, barely the 3rd. And that makes you bitter for obvious reasons. In game, it is not as easy to identify the deteriorating skills. As you say, the mood and overall well being requirement is there. But if you see this as an issue, the problem is somewhere else - specifically in your life and how you live. This is the biggest challenge for me. I am a good guy, I have everything handled outside of a boring lifestyle (and on and off being skinny and buff). But I have a good personality which took me years to develop. The fundamental I struggle with and you may struggle with too is the vibe / energy.

I quit looking at this forum a while back for of couple of reasons and started to look for solutions elsewhere. This way, I relieved some pressure I was putting on myself. I propose you do the same. I went to a therapist and a big weight lifted off of me. Finding a harem of girls and fucking a new hot girl every week would seem to help, but in reality it is like being that athlete that just does well and is in his prime. Basing your own satisfaction with who you are on your performance is not a good approach. The moment your peformance goes down (as it did for you as you described), you will end up in a bad spot.

Ultimatelly, you are also right about some other points. Women want positive guys, who are up beat, in a good mood, with an interesting and stimulating lifestyle. They want to travel, go try new things. And it sort of sucks if you are bad at it (like I used to). Because it seems girls just got spoiled and need a stimulation and dont give a shit who provides it if they are reasonably good looking. I can see the line of thinking. But tough luck, that is how it is. So you either adapt or die. Harsh but that is how it is.

You said you are nor clueless, so go fix the real underlying issues. This is sort of against the mantra on this forum as other guys just want to go on the action and just hammer down the approaches and techniques. But I can tell you that in the real world it is not that complicated. You buff up your "presentation" fundamentals (looks, hair cut, beard, fashionstyle, walk, the way you talk, the rythm of your speech) to the level and place where you are happy with it. Then you also need to fix the innet funfamentals (your mental state, mindset, mental habits, how you viee yourself - basically psychology and philosophy). And then you work on your lifestyle. The hobbies which you find interesting, skills to learn, places to go. Like Chris Rock said.. women trap with their looks, men trap with their lifestyle. And then, when you are in a happy place, it will not matter as much if you walk up to a girl and go use a bad technique like 'neo-direct' or whatever. Because the rejection will not drain you. Some girl might actually go with that. This is not pokemon where you try a fire attack against a water pokemon. Some girl may feel the good energy from you and go with it.

But right now, I see the problem with your overall state and how you see yourself. And you should fix that, build the source of happiness in your life, not base it on a average result of the last 10 approaches.

Cheers.

 

[Archivar]

You buff up your "presentation" fundamentals (looks, hair cut, beard, fashionstyle, walk, the way you talk, the rythm of your speech) to the level and place where you are happy with it.

I am happy with it, but I don't know about the women I approach.

BTW: Share a summary of what you mean, the essence, like I did.

 

[POB]

I figured that what I don't exude is confidence anymore. I wasn't very confident back then, but sometimes I was. I just didn't know what to do to actually increase it. When everything was in order in my life, I was a chick magnet. With the mentioned direct approach.

Confidence is an easy fix: focus on what you do have going for you right now, build on that.

I am 41, look like 35. I also don't think my age is key, what's key is this seemingly intangible behaviour called confidence.

Your age is top of the world for a man.
Providing you are decent looking and has your life together (finances, own house, logistics), you are at the peak of your attraction years.

There is always room for improvement, but my style and my walk are fine. My presence is not, my voice is fine
Where is the "how to dress in your 40ies" section?

If you don't mind providing pictures, other guys could chime in and give you super valuable tips.
Recently I gave a good example here

How do you produce casual and easy going energy?

By being carefree and knowing what you want from life.

I don't like statements like "choose those herbs wisely, they could make or break the meal your cooking" as they distract from the goal. They make it seem as if you had all the time and patience in the world and they make it easy for the conversation to fade into a "was nice talking to you, I have to go meet my friends" from her.

I didn't get the meaning of this, but as a man you should always lead the conversation away from "nice" as soon as possible.

The situation is stressful enough, you don't want to make it harder for yourself by going mental places you cannot easily transition from to sex.

I feel very uncomfortable saying "I just want to appreciate this scarf you're wearing right now, its very creative" because what I think about then is being a creepy uncle stickyhands trying to get into my nieces pants. And that with 25 yo.

You mindset is wrong.
Young women LOVE to date and fuck guys 40-50. And yes, I'm saying 18 year olds too.
Not all of them, but at least 30% would happily let an older man lead them to a great sexual experience.
As a matter of fact, in this fucked up day and age where men behave like pussy boys, they CRAVE IT.

I say, my problem are assumptions about myself that are not helpful. As in

"You are 41, you are not Elon Musk. You will never ever have sex with any woman younger than 30. Accept it, you creep, your life is over. Only disgusting women over 30 with self-esteem issues are available for you".

You know this is not true.
BTW, Elon Musk sucks and is a very bad example of a man.

Then if I approach younger women and they reject me, they will do it due to my lack of confidence and nothing else. And I will talk to myself that they did because I was 41.

No, they did it because you came across as an incongruent person.

Statements like "are you an artist, you definitely have to be creative if you're dressing that way" require interest in her like that. I am disinterested in that.

So much that women outright said to me "you don't care about this really, do you?". I also don't see it as a requirement to pretend to care about something, you wouldn't care about after you had sex with her.

Then you have to figure out what you really care about them and use it as conversation bait.
Few woman will have sex with a guy that does not seem interested in themselves as a person, at least a little bit.

You are dishonest by saying "You are a man, you decide what YOU want and you go for it." and then talking about her hobbies and her travels that don't mean anything to you.

I know "You approach her in an evaluating manner." and I don't like it.

I am a man and I like her for her looks. That's it. Everything else is again incongruent. It might satisfy her desire for "prince charming", but who says that she needs to get what she was told to want to have sex with her?

You are being too rational.
When seducing, it's not about getting through all the steps 100% the way you want them to be...its about what you need to do to get them aroused and interested in going to bed with you.
As a matter of fact, seduction does not have to be congruent at all (just because women are not).
Bottom line: do you want to be congruent or to get laid? Can't have both.

What if all those rapport building conversations were utterly unnecessary, would delay sex, even make it impossible?

You can go ultra direct then.
But it's a high effort+low odds approach.