What if she is not very talkative? How to be a good conversationalist?

[ThePicker]

Hello huntmates !

So yesterday I had a date with a girl who, as it turned out, was very nontalkative.

From time to time there were some 10-30s uncomfortable silences between us (at least they were uncomfortable for me), it mainly occured each time each of the topics we we're talking about ended.

I still find this sort of things very uncomfortable, so in my case, this uncomfortableness accumulated up during the course of the date, leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth once the date finished.


Sometimes she tried to fill these silences/voids, by asking questions.

But eventually she stopped trying to.

I did cooperate too, but I felt unable to establish a fluent conversation, I felt as though I was just like trying to fill those voids with random boring talk or statements, with the first things that popped into my head, which I felt were adding little value.

So my point is,

I have always had this 'fear' of uncomfortable silences and/or 'perfectionistic' attitude toward them and toward how my conversation should be in general.

The thing is that, in my dates, it's usually the girl who does all the talking, I just shut up and let them talk.

This time it didn't unfold like that, mainly because she wasn't such a talkative person + at first she made some questions that required very long answers on my part.


Im addition, when it comes to trying to make the other person 'open' and speak, I feel uncomfortable asking questions, since I know they are not optimal according to the PUA rules (they should be framed as affirmative statements) + I feel I am trying to force the conversation.


So where I need advice guys is here:

1- on your dates, are you literally talking 100% of the time? Aren' there 20-30s uncomfortable silences from time to time?

2- What do you do when the girl just doesn't open up/speak? Don't you feel uncomfortable asking so many questions to her (so that she invests/gets loose/opens up) or being the one who talks all the time?

3- Don't you have long-silences at specific moments of the dates, such as, for instance, when you're both taking a bus or a taxi back home together - and you're already physically or mentally tired to keep talking? How do you handle them?

4- I am afraid of 'not flowing', of these silences. I am too perfectionistic and I feel that whenever I ask questions it looks very forced and artificial. In addition, I can't really be framing them into affirmative statements all the time.
I don't know, to me it just looks weird to ask out of the blue, whenever a topic ends, something like "what is the best memory you have from your childhood"?
How do you handle that? Any advice? Do you really ask these sort of questions in that way, so spontaneously?



Thanks !

Jorge

 

[ulrich]

Damn, Jorge… you sure are a right side of the brain kind of guy.
Your post is perfectly organized and I can tell from what you say that you are somewhat a perfectionist. Nothing bad about it but we need to get you out of your head to make conversation as fluid as possible.

1) Most of the time I am doing 80% of the talking AT THE START and as the date advances that gradually shifts to 20% or 10%.
Most women are somewhat shy and you need to set a “groundwork” so she feels comfortable to share about herself.
There are some uncomfortable silences, that is normal, but 20-30 is just too much.
This is definitely something specific to this girl but you should be prepared to deal with this.

2) When I am confronted with a non-talkative girl, I do a mix of questions, stories, games and routines to help her open up.

If it’s one hour into the date and I am still facing heavy silences, then I give up. Something is surely wrong with the girl if I have been sharing a lot and she doesn’t play game.
In that case, I either go direct and escalate physically (if she is hot) or just end the date (if she is not that hot).

3) Oh yes, those are to be expected.
Any time you’re moving the girl or change venues, silences happen.

You have to take one step back and start talking MORE. Use those stories or routines.
Drop the 20% talking expectation and ramp it up to build comfort again.

4) You have the right idea, just need to expand your toolbox.
There are some questions or routines you can use that are lower pressure so you don’t have to risk coming across as weird if it’s a little too soon.
Things like “what was your favorite game as a child?”, “do you have siblings?”, “how long have you lived here?” and of course sharing relevant stories of your life.

 

[ThePicker]

Damn, Jorge… you sure are a right side of the brain kind of guy.
Your post is perfectly organized and I can tell from what you say that you are somewhat a perfectionist. Nothing bad about it but we need to get you out of your head to make conversation as fluid as possible.

1) Most of the time I am doing 80% of the talking AT THE START and as the date advances that gradually shifts to 20% or 10%.
Most women are somewhat shy and you need to set a “groundwork” so she feels comfortable to share about herself.
There are some uncomfortable silences, that is normal, but 20-30 is just too much.
This is definitely something specific to this girl but you should be prepared to deal with this.

2) When I am confronted with a non-talkative girl, I do a mix of questions, stories, games and routines to help her open up.

If it’s one hour into the date and I am still facing heavy silences, then I give up. Something is surely wrong with the girl if I have been sharing a lot and she doesn’t play game.
In that case, I either go direct and escalate physically (if she is hot) or just end the date (if she is not that hot).

3) Oh yes, those are to be expected.
Any time you’re moving the girl or change venues, silences happen.

You have to take one step back and start talking MORE. Use those stories or routines.
Drop the 20% talking expectation and ramp it up to build comfort again.

4) You have the right idea, just need to expand your toolbox.
There are some questions or routines you can use that are lower pressure so you don’t have to risk coming across as weird if it’s a little too soon.
Things like “what was your favorite game as a child?”, “do you have siblings?”, “how long have you lived here?” and of course sharing relevant stories of your life.

Damn, thank you a lot for your reply !

That was really really helpful !

Could you share or explain some of those routines?

Thanks !

 

[Vision]

Hello huntmates !

So yesterday I had a date with a girl who, as it turned out, was very nontalkative.

From time to time there were some 10-30s uncomfortable silences between us (at least they were uncomfortable for me), it mainly occured each time each of the topics we we're talking about ended.

I still find this sort of things very uncomfortable, so in my case, this uncomfortableness accumulated up during the course of the date, leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth once the date finished.

Where did you meet this girl?

It sounds like you need to learn how to start becoming comfortable with silence in conversations.

Do you normally need a lot of noise or is it just that when you're around women, you feel like someone should be talking the whole time?

Silence can be very powerful if you use it in the right way.

I was in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months last year who barely ever talks... and honestly, I thought it was awesome, most of the time... she wasn't annoying me with bullshit all the time.

When she said something, it was usually important for her to say.

When I picked her up, a lot of it was nonverbal, silence, and it was comfortable. Probably 30% of the time, nobody was talking at all.

But I was comfortable with it and she seemed comfortable with it too... if you're uncomfortable, she's probably going to be uncomfortable.

I think BEFORE she's hooked, it's important to keep the conversation going nonstop but I don't think that's necessary once she's hooked, depending on the girl, the situation, and what's going on around you.

Sometimes she tried to fill these silences/voids, by asking questions.

But eventually she stopped trying to.

Hah! Got her investing until she probably got to the point where she either didn't know what to say or it was more awkward to keep asking questions than just give up on it.

She's probably sitting at home right now thinking, "I'm never going to get a guy... I can't even keep a conversation going! "

I did cooperate too, but I felt unable to establish a fluent conversation, I felt as though I was just like trying to fill those voids with random boring talk or statements, with the first things that popped into my head, which I felt were adding little value.

So my point is,

I have always had this 'fear' of uncomfortable silences and/or 'perfectionistic' attitude toward them and toward how my conversation should be in general.

Well, that's definitely something you should get rid of.

The thing is that, in my dates, it's usually the girl who does all the talking, I just shut up and let them talk.

This time it didn't unfold like that, mainly because she wasn't such a talkative person + at first she made some questions that required very long answers on my part.


Im addition, when it comes to trying to make the other person 'open' and speak, I feel uncomfortable asking questions, since I know they are not optimal according to the PUA rules (they should be framed as affirmative statements) + I feel I am trying to force the conversation.

I'm not sure where you're getting these "rules" from but I think those rules were made for attraction stuff and newbies who ask question after question or have super boring conversations...

"What's your name? What are you doing? Where did you go to school? What do you do for work? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go?"

You can and should ask questions on a date... you could do affirmative statements but you don't need to and I wouldn't let myself get sucked into a "rule" because someone said it and you don't even know why you're doing it.

So where I need advice guys is here:

1- on your dates, are you literally talking 100% of the time? Aren' there 20-30s uncomfortable silences from time to time?

Get comfortable with silence. Stop letting it be uncomfortable silence.

Go hang out with that girl again and when you have silence, lean back, take a deep breathe, and appreciate the moment.

2- What do you do when the girl just doesn't open up/speak? Don't you feel uncomfortable asking so many questions to her (so that she invests/gets loose/opens up) or being the one who talks all the time?

Come up with a list of topics that you like to talk about.

Get better at creating conversations from the environment.

Get some fun things that you have handy that you can reference anytime you want to that involve her and psychology...

Like the Love Languages (from the 5 Love Languages Book)... teach her what her primary love language is and tell her what yours are... if they're similar, it's a good tease... if they're different, it's a good tease.

Or teach her how to dance or try to figure out her personality by asking specific questions that fit into a psychological framework like MBTI or the big 5.

Tell her a story about who you are and why you do what you do...

There's a lot of things you could do and say if you come up with things beforehand.

Instead of sitting and talking, take her somewhere to walk or look at things in the environment like a shopping mall or a park or interesting area outside.

3- Don't you have long-silences at specific moments of the dates, such as, for instance, when you're both taking a bus or a taxi back home together - and you're already physically or mentally tired to keep talking? How do you handle them?

Look at her and guess what she's thinking... get too close into her personal space and then back out... make guesses about her personality... read her palm and just make some bullshit up about it like her lifeline says she's going to get married to a 5 foot tall, 83 year old fat man.

Go take some improv classes.

4- I am afraid of 'not flowing', of these silences. I am too perfectionistic

Stop being a perfectionist and replace it with someone who appreciates progress instead. I think that will serve you far more than the perfectionist identity ever will.

and I feel that whenever I ask questions it looks very forced and artificial.

Practice asking more questions... add stuff before and after the questions.

"Hmmm... I have a suspicion about you but I'm not sure if it's right or not. Let me ask you something... do you sing? Wait, let me guess... you're the type of girl that's nervous to sing in front of people but I'll bet you love to sing in the shower. Amirite?"

In addition, I can't really be framing them into affirmative statements all the time.

You don't need to do that. You just need to not come off weird and not rely on her to do all of the conversational investment.

I don't know, to me it just looks weird to ask out of the blue, whenever a topic ends, something like "what is the best memory you have from your childhood"?
How do you handle that? Any advice? Do you really ask these sort of questions in that way, so spontaneously?

Lead into it with a transition phrase and don't expect her to have an answer immediately... so you can take the lead and go first with it. Like so...

"You know, I just thought of something... do you have any like, really good childhood memories that you cherish? When I was a kid, my cat got pregnant... but I didn't really understand it because I was so young, I thought she just got fat. But when she delivered those kittens, it was like a whole new world opened up for me... and I just got this little glimpse of how amazing life is. I didn't fully understand it at the time but I remember just feeling so amazed at how special it seemed to me at the time. Do you have any memories like that?"

That's a story I just made up but hopefully you get the point and see the structure.

 

[ulrich]

Could you share or explain some of those routines?

I am not much of a routine guy, the only one that I usually use is the following.

You basically tell her: “Hey, let’s play a game. I ask you a question and then you ask me a question. The only rule is you have to answer 100% with thruth. You can ask absolutely whatever you want but you have to answer with straight truth. No lies allowed.”

Then you ask her a silly question like her favorite color or something to set the mood as a a playful one.
Women will usually fall for it and start asking about the things that worry then the most: “What’s your age?”, “Do you have a girlfriend?”, “”Do you do this with all girls?”, etc…
Be prepared for a barrage of shit tests but if you get to pass them, girls usually melt and become much more comfortable with you because of the increased trust and relatability.

On your turns you can either keep questions silly to increase her comfort, screen her if you’re not 100% sure you like her or ask sexual stuff to arouse her.
This is a pretty flexible game.

I’m pretty sure guys here can suggest more routines like this one.

 

[ThePicker]

I am not much of a routine guy, the only one that I usually use is the following.

You basically tell her: “Hey, let’s play a game. I ask you a question and then you ask me a question. The only rule is you have to answer 100% with thruth. You can ask absolutely whatever you want but you have to answer with straight truth. No lies allowed.”

Then you ask her a silly question like her favorite color or something to set the mood as a a playful one.
Women will usually fall for it and start asking about the things that worry then the most: “What’s your age?”, “Do you have a girlfriend?”, “”Do you do this with all girls?”, etc…
Be prepared for a barrage of shit tests but if you get to pass them, girls usually melt and become much more comfortable with you because of the increased trust and relatability.

On your turns you can either keep questions silly to increase her comfort, screen her if you’re not 100% sure you like her or ask sexual stuff to arouse her.
This is a pretty flexible game.

I’m pretty sure guys here can suggest more routines like this one.

Thank you Uriel!

Thats definetily a very good idea.

And it has a lot of potential since this way you have free leeway to ask anything, including questions that will naturally make her connect with you (eg. What is the happiest memory you have from your childhood?).

When/How would you introduce such game if the conversation is nevertheless flowing and steady so that it doesn't sound creepy/weird?

By the way,
Im trying to test new things and perspectives.
And yours are interesting to try!

Could you also leave an answer on my post on how to get 2nd dates?
(Or here haha)
Basically, what do you do after the first date? (When do you text her again? How often? When do you usually ask them out again? Do they usually reach out to you first ? Etc)

Problems to get 2nd dates, help!

Hello huntmates ! I have been having many problems to get second dates and I don't know where Im screwing/what Im doing wrong. Thus my questions are: -What do you do after the 1st date exaclty (when do you text her?, how often?, when do you ask her out again?, do you invite her to your...

www.skilledseducer.com

Thanks!!

 

[ulrich]

When/How would you introduce such game if the conversation is nevertheless flowing and steady so that it doesn't sound creepy/weird?

The nice part about this routine is that I have never seen it fall flat so I guess you could use it at any point in your seduction.
I usually save it for long silences like the ones you mention.
It’s a great icebreaker.

Sure, I’ll check your post.