$%#! what my buddies will think of me right?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys.
So here's a typical situation for me: House party, college campus. I'm conversing with a girl in the kitchen/on the couch.. just seeing what she's like. She's pretty, sexy, cute, etc. something is tripping it for me with her. I know for damn sure I need to make a move quick, and I've got a clip of things to say/do loaded in the back of my head. Then—and this is what always happens to me guys—I get hit by this feeling of dread that whatever I choose to say won't be good enough. Furthermore, when it fails to click with her, she's gonna run off and tell all of her friends, and everybody in the world. In my head, all my friends are watching me and will think less of me for failing. Suddenly, this girl just disgusts me, and I got that anxious tick where I just need to get away or start drinking more. Suddenly, I'm going home empty-handed, depressed, and unhappy.

I know I need to consciously hash these problems out so I can get to somewhere positive, and I know first of all that for a very large part, none of my preconceptions are true. I'm sure somebody else has dealt with these issues too; does anyone have a better thought pattern for overcoming this type of fatalistic mindset? It is victim complex thru & thru, and I am fed up with this way of reacting to the world.

Thanks for reading,
I.C.R.

 

[Chase]

Hi Dalai,

One thing you can think is, "Good - I HOPE she goes and tells everyone, so they know I'm a pimp-ass boss playa who actually DOES stuff with girls instead of standing around holding his dick like most of my buddies!"

But that only allays your fears about your friends and circle, and not the girl, which is the main thing.

Right now you're more afraid of people not liking you than you are of not getting the girl. Until you change that, you're stuck.

Your fear NEEDS to become, "Geez, if I don't pull the trigger I will lose this girl FOREVER and my friends and her friends are going to think I'm just some weak male orbiter guy who's chatting her up and getting blown off! I need to MAKE THIS HAPPEN!"

You also need to realize that saying the wrong thing doesn't mean you're done. You say something wrong, oh well; change the topic and keep going. You'll get it right the next time around. Winners don't quit, and quitters don't win. If a girl likes you, do NOT walk away unless you're walking away with her, or she's already walked away first. Make her get up and go; stare at her wordlessly if you've got nothing else to say.

Get used to social pressure, and it'll stop affecting you so much. The mentality you need to adopt is, "I'm not walking away unless it's with her or she's gone first," if you meet a girl who likes you. Once you're able to hang in there, then you can loosen the rules up, but this is a hump you need to overcome. 6 years from now nobody's going to remember what happened between you and Random Girl #18 at That One Party on November XX, 2012, but you'll have gained or lost the experience just the same - so gain it.

It won't matter what any of those girls think of you if you never do anything with them, after all.

Chase

 

[Nick]

Also remember that you're in college! And assuming its not a tiny university, there are a plethora of different social groups/people to meet. If you're terrified about what your friends will say about you, go out and try meeting girls in different social circles. That way you can stay focused on the prize and not be bothered by petty distractions.

 

[Jeet02]

I think they both covered it pretty nicely. But adding to that a little bit: if they have time to make fun of you for not making out with a girl or for blowing it, it means they are not making out with a girl either. So it is their problem what they say...and you will see that more often than not, real friends won't even discourage you about it. They will actually say "wow man...she is was pretty, what happened?" and "that sucks man...but hey, look at that one over there". Etc...they won't really make fun of you. Don't worry too much about what others MIGHT think. Worry about what you want.

 

[Eric]

Hi Dalai,
Get used to social pressure, and it'll stop affecting you so much. The mentality you need to adopt is, "I'm not walking away unless it's with her or she's gone first," if you meet a girl who likes you. Once you're able to hang in there, then you can loosen the rules up, but this is a hump you need to overcome. 6 years from now nobody's going to remember what happened between you and Random Girl #18 at That One Party on November XX, 2012, but you'll have gained or lost the experience just the same - so gain it.

It won't matter what any of those girls think of you if you never do anything with them, after all.

Chase

This so much, except.. get used to USING as well as sitting in the social pressure. It's so much fun, and it makes me so elated to just be able to sit there being the one who pressures. It's not uncomfortable once you get used it. It changes your view of things, and instead of being the guy who picks up girls you'll find the tables turned. You'll be the selector rather than the candidate.

You just simply have to stop worrying so much about outcomes (although do still lead to be alone, and FAST). I was just in my car with a girl (her sister was about to get out of class, she actually walked herself into my car... this seems to happen if you leave your car door open while making convo), and I was making lots of eye contact. This isn't too pressuring on it's own.. until you stop talking, and stare. Then it becomes INTENSE, and yet for you it should feel like it's normal. She was telling me how she was so bad with eye contact and to stop looking at her eyes so much. So I looked at her feet/legs and she got shy too, told me that she felt violated by my eyes. Later she was saying she hates people, and how she only likes her sister and dog. I asked if she liked me (I meant as a friend.. heh) and she got really nervous.

The more your mindset shifts and your ability to handle pressure and utilize it, the amount of effort you need to put in goes WAY DOWN. You'll find yourself speaking 10% of the convo, while the girl rants. You'll find girls moving THEMSELVES (or just exiting the secnario.. you're walking the fine line) for better logistics if the pressure is high.

 

[DigitalStef]

One thing you should remember about the social situation is that it always changes. New things happen and old things are forgotten, people who like to gossip will only go over what is current and everyone loses interest in the current highlight at some point. So like people been saying, don't worry about it. You can turn the worry right upside down like they have been saying to, worrying in a way that forces action instead of impeding it.

But I am still learning this stuff myself, so take the experienced guys words for it. Been a good read here so far.

Oh, one more thought. Look at all this stuff like a challenge, that's what i do when i go out to do something. Basically: "I have not done this, but i know i can." or "This is going to be extremely difficult, but it will be worth while in the end."

 

[Trilogy]

@dalaibomba

The best way I can think of to help overcome the social pressure it sounds like you're experiencing is to approach and talk to lots of people, even if it's just an introductory conversation. This willl help you build up some social momentum and get you seen interacting with others, possibly upping your perceived value with a particular girl you're attracted to. Even if she moves on you've just made contact with 5 or 6 other girls thatinstead are probaby just as cool. I'm a firm believer in the abundance principle, at the end of the night you should go home feeling like a champ for interacting with so many different girls instead of worrying about failing with one.

 

[Anonymous]

I like the responses being put out there for this dalai guy... but where did he disappear to lol!
I love the university and college scene, works best in places where theres alot of students/people at the uni or college...
i go to a small university.. where pretty much everyone knows everyone.. but still, everyone knows everyones just out there getting laid.
And then theres the side liners, sometimes i observe the people putting in work at picking up from the side line, and get in there myself
when the time is right... but its hard to figure out really when the time is actually right.. or do you just go in without thinking?