"What's your name?"

[Marty]

Here's an interesting one... a subtle but significant nuance that has helped me with poise and smoothness.

Standard GirlsChase orthodoxy on a direct opener appears to lean toward something like this:

"Hey, I just saw you standing there and I felt I had to tell you..." (controlled pause) "...that you have the most stunning set of legs I've seen all day. I'm Marty."

- which is very polished and usually comes off well, given the appropriate body language, intonation and expression, and other fundamentals. And I am totally on board with Chase's reasoning for getting introductions out of the way ASAP... it avoids the appearance of approval-seeking for the compliment, by eliminating any expectation of validation; it rewards the girl for investment in the interaction; and it's just downright awkward if you haven't done it and have to come back to it later.

I'll take all that as a given. One thing I ran into early on, however, was that girls weren't absolutely clear immediately that I was introducing myself, given that my (real) name is monosyllabic and quite unusual. Also, I got girls asking me things like "Are you British?" immediately after my introduction, without introducing themselves, and I had to seize back the initiative. And reading through field reports by PrettyDecent, NarrowJ, Nova, Zphix, ZacAdam and others, I observed that quite often they reported asking "What's your name?" first, and then introducing themselves.

I have started trying this to avoid the misunderstanding that I described above. And one thing I notice, without wishing to over-analyze, is that it helps with the overall rhythm and forward pace of the interaction. It just feels more comfortable, for me and (apparently) for the girl. I put it in the same place as above, right after the opener, and follow up with an immediate introduction.

The obvious point is that it gains investment upfront. Beyond that, however, some board members may be familiar with the old book from the 1960s Games People Play by Eric Berne. The author's chief premise is the Parent-Adult-Child mental model, where healthy everyday interaction needs to be in the Adult, to avoid "playing games"... but there is one exception: intimacy. Healthy intimacy strongly involves the Child aspect of the psyche.

It may not be immediately obvious, but once you get beyond school and into the business world, if you think about it, the question "What's your name?" is almost never heard. It's usually a brisk "I'm Jake... Pleased to meet you" in keeping with the confident, assertive, no-time-wasted manner that befits the business environment. And generally speaking, the same rule is applied to social life in the adult world. "What's your name?" is reminiscent of meeting new friends at kindergarten, a sort of curious wonder.

And that's exactly why I think it works so well. The question sounds oddly out of place, but it's not immediately clear why. The girl gets the feeling straight away that this is not a "social" or "friendly" overture, but a "playful" one... and in the adult world, "play" has very clear intimate connotations. Frame-setting, if you like.

Call it over-analyzing if you will, but I'd be interested to hear your feedback.

 

[carpedm]

Very thoughtful post, Marty. I just wanted to post a quick reply so as to subscribe to this thread and see others' replies.

Cheers.

 

[Estate]

So, I don't disagree with this at all... I must say that up front.

What Marty is describing is just about coming across confident in yourself and smooth. You offer you're naming assuming the other person will offer theirs in return.

The only thing I'd say about this though is.... Don't over think it!
This is usually going to come within the first minute or two of an interaction and it's not exactly make or break in the overall conversation. If she doesn't offer her's early on, or I don't offer mine upfront (sort of depends how things opened), don't be afraid to ask her. If the interaction goes on a long time without you getting the other persons name, it makes it less intimate. If you want to know her, you want to know her name and asking her, shows this.

So don't be too afraid to ask if you must, and don't keep trying to prompt her, just ask.
All good stuff from Marty though, just don't over think it. Asking her name doesn't blow you out. If she likes you already, this isn't going to blow you out.

 

[Franco]

Marty,

I actually almost always ask a girl her name before giving out mine. I prefer her to make the decision right then and there if she wants to give a complete stranger her name, which involves a bit higher investment than the other way around. Then I reward her by giving her my name -- and hopefully an exciting night.

If this feels more comfortable to you, then go for it!

- Franco

 

[Chase]

Yeah, this one's a finesse topic... it's not a HUGE thing, but it sets up some communication about what she can expect with you and what is to come.

When you introduce yourself first, you're taking a more nuanced stance, and putting social pressure on her to answer. It sets you up as a somewhat more socially dominant individual, -IF- you hold her to telling you her name (if you do not, you lose social dominance, and are immediately in a bad position in the interaction). Similar to how Kirk handles the name-exchanging with Uhura in 2009's Star Trek reboot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCbzeVDEAtA

Some girls will try to wiggle out of giving their names, or wrest back control of the conversation - when you have them give you their names anyway here, without expressly asking for it (telling them they need to give it to you is fine - you can say things like, "So I should call you... what, exactly?" with ample expressive hand movements), it sets a clear dominant tone for you, and helps you start interactions off on the right foot somewhat more easily (she's resisted complying with your implied demand; you've ignored her efforts to not comply, and demanded and received compliance).

It also has the advantage of being unusual, which makes it (and you) stand out, and does a better job of breaking her out of autopilot and forcing her to be a lot more consciously aware of you (and makes her more likely to assess you and find you attractive / desirable).

There's also a slight "little too much interest" in asking her name very early on, before you know anything about her and she's given you no real compliance, that I do not like... it feels a little bit too much like chasing to me. e.g., when I have a girl walk up to me, open me, chat with me for a few seconds, then ask me, "What's your name?" my, "WHOA, she's chasing me hard," bells start ringing pretty loud. But maybe I'm oversensitive to those sorts of things.

Anyway, if you want to skip this bit, and prefer to establish social dominance other ways, you can simply ask her for her name and tell her yours after... it isn't mission critical, just a nice little thing you can do at the outset to set a tone different from what most men do.

Chase