When a colleague/friend acts as a boss/mentor (how to handle)

[lux7]

BACKGROUND
I joined a company where a younger but more experience guy had the title of "head of department".
It was early in the start up period when big names were awarded to anyone.
I joined later on as a trainee and he has no authority whatsoever on me.

MY TEAMMATE
He's a good salesman with ADD.
He's not too intelligent and not respected as a wise person, what he says makes no sense most of the time and he's not taken too seriously, but he's still respected somehow and because he does bring in business.
He's extremely driven and energetic and excels with people: knows everyone, talks to everyone.


OUR RELATIONSHIP
Outside of the issue below it's all good and I think I have learned from him and do can learn more from him.
I don't think he thinks much is true the other way around.
He talks most of the times, we're super different but we call each other "bro", he likes me, I am glad of his friendship and all.
He shared deep things and issues about him he never shared with anyone else and, being religious, said he sometimes feels "I'm an angel sent to him".
I listen and support and suggest some stuff.
Not too many suggestions though as he believes he's got a lot figured out by now and I doubt he'd be a good listener/student. Also the areas I could help with he's too backward that it would require a brain re-wash.


THE ISSUE
1. BEHAVING AS IF HE WERE BOSS/MENTOR
He talks to me about him "getting the pay I deserve" though he has not power on decision making and talks to me about "one of his guys" though he's not my boss and not my life mentor.
He talks about me with our MD, negating my weaknesses and playing up my strengths.
He profusely suggested strategies -some good ones, some silly- I should take to negotiate salary and advance in life because "he will be super happy to see me develop (under him, semi-implied) and move on".
I once sat in a meeting where he was venting about our department performing at high level and at a certain point he said "I bust his (my) balls to make things happen". I looked at our boss with an expression of "he's nuts" and let him rant on.

2. TALKING AS IF HE'S THE ORACLE
At time he talks to me as if he had everything figured out and he's teaching me.
Most of the times it's ludicrous, sometimes he even does it with women and he can't get a girl to save his life.


HOW I HANDLED IT
In public I don't call him out on silliness he says, everyone knows -or should know- he talks just to talk.

When he talks to me about fostering my status/pay I let him talk and figured it could be useful actually as our boss is adamant to keep him in the team. Plus he does know a lot of people and he does get results with his "blazing guns style".



HOW SHOULD I HANDLE IT
I'm not sure I'm doing it right.

I'm kinda of OK to let him "teach me" if that's for a minute or so only us two, but on the other hand that might make him feel he's above me and carry that mood with the people around.

I don't want to partaking in office politics and status jockeying, but if I keep playing the good him all the people around will feel he's the leader and "above" me and I'm not OK with that.


FEEDBACK
Your suggestions please, highly appreciated... !

 

[Whizzy]

Think of it this way, do the pro's of this situation outweigh the cons or is it the reverse? If its more harmful than helpful to be around this guy, then don't put up with it/ditch him. Otherwise keep dealing with it for a little bit while you pick up on how he brings in extra business, but then respectful keep your distance after.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Kinda like when you lead a girl to bed. You want her to FEEL in control (and ultimately she is; she decides the final yes or no), but you're still leading, because you control the pace.

Give the guy the illusion he's leading (i.e., when you do take his advice), but always realize you're in control of the situation (i.e., you only use what helps you). Being the leader of a situation involves two non-mutually exclusive attributes

1. Making the final decision
2. Being the most aware of the situation/decision

If you're constantly aware of his persuasion and utilize it when it benefits you, you're in charge, even though he seems to be at the pivotal point of the causal chain of events. Slightly different than the girl analogy; you're leading in a different way now, rather than being the initiator of events (opening, approaching, escalating, etc).

Maintain these two precepts and you'll never be his actual subordinate.

- Hector

 

[Howell]

I think Anatman and Whizzy are right on the money. To extrapolate from their points though, it might be prudent to then ask yourself this question: "Is there anything I need to change in how I interact with this person, either gradually or immediately, so as to avoid him getting in the way of what I'm trying to do as well as my passive opportunities for growth?"

The answer to this is almost certainly going to be situational, but that doesn't mean you can't have a general strategy for dealing with issues in mind before they come up. I think you're attitude of ignoring it and viewing it as a slight social faux pa is good enough usually, but there can be situations where you need to more actively address his unjustified superior airs, like when you made eye contact with your boss in the meeting. Sometimes nonverbals like that can be enough, but I'd also have a few more direct counters to his airs in the wings for potential situations, just in case.

For example, he comes up as you are talking to another person and he tries to task you with something, say something like: "Hey bro, I've really got a lot on my plate this week. You know I like to help you out, but maybe give this one to [people who he actually has authority over]?" And then after that move the conversation on to something light and upbeat to reward him for his good behavior.

-Howell

P.S. It is also possible he has subconsciously or even consciously gotten all chummy with you to get you informally under his authority. If most people are already, you not being could be like a vacuum for him, where to maintain his self-image as "Head of the Department" he needs to be the boss of everyone he reasonably can be. Don't know if this is the case for your situation, but it does happen.

 

[lux7]

I was afraid my post was too long to digest but you went for it anyway, thank you so much guys!!