Why Chasing women doesnt work

[MorningStar]

I spent the better part of an hour writing out a huge post on this, but it logged me out for taking too long... Here's the shorter version:

Chase laid it out nicely, many as well as myself will benefit from yesterdays post: https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-chasing-women-doesn’t-work-and-why-persistence-does

Here's a quote that rings true and everyone should take heed to;

You're the man, you must lead. That means that if you don't know where you're going... then you're not going anywhere. You need to be moving girls; you need to be progressing toward an end point; and you need to be focused on how you'll close an interaction (e.g., getting a phone number or taking a girl to bed), then doing it and keeping follow-up contact to a minimum until you're ready for the next step (e.g., the next time you'll see her).

'Keeping contact to a minimum until you're ready for the next step', A girl I hooked up with a month ago messaged me last night and initiated a video chat. We hung out for a bit on the interwebs, had our laughs, is not considered minimal contact in my opinion.

The run down: This girl, was quick to come home with me a month back, flaked thrice since(i'd move on after the first time, but after reading some of Chase' posts on persistence it made sense that life happens), after the third time I gave up on her, saw her again at a club(didnt pay attention to her while i went and talked/danced with other girls), she came up to me with her friends, we flirted a bit and I left her quickly to talk to more girls, she was definitely watching me whenever she could(i knew generally where she was and could see her staring through my perifs). She messaged me a couple days later asking if she was going to see me that week.. I said what the hell, couldn't hurt. She had just started a new job which was why she flaked in the first place and asked if I could meet her on her break which is several hours long here in spain due to siestas. We met up, had some drinks, flirted and got comfy, didn't actually make a move on her even though it looked like she wanted me to(I dont usually make moves in public during the day and also because I didn't want to kiss her somewhere we weren't able to escalate. Any thoughts on this?). Met again last friday on the same day-date deal and i'm thinking about inviting her to my place to watch a movie soon, Bad idea? I'm not trying to make this girl my girlfriend, but it feels as if I'm being either friend-zoned or boyfriended and I can't quite take control of the situation.

Throughout this whole ordeal I've felt most of the dreadful feelings Chase listed;

Confusion
Uncertainty
Panic
Fear
Loss
Need
Desperation

yet It was also great at first and pretty good now, just not as sexual. I also feel like she's playing a game to prime me for boyfriend material or possibly just trying to friend-zone me. From one of your responses on the blog post to one of the readers;

The girl you work with, sounds like she's trying to get you chasing her. She likes you, probably isn't 100% sure what she wants with you yet, but figures she'll give you proximity and see if you'll do anything with it. It'll stop after a while if you never do anything, and then she'll get cold and a little short with you, or just shift to neutral, depending on how much she likes you and how bad she's hoping you'll take action.

That's what I sort of feel like is going on, since I haven't slept with her since. Yet I can't quite put my finger on it. Did she put the brakes to try and boyfriend me or friend zone me? and lastly, should I make the next move (again) and ask her to come over for a bottle of wine and a movie or is it a lost cause and should I move on?

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey Morningstar,

We met up, had some drinks, flirted and got comfy, didn't actually make a move on her even though it looked like she wanted me to(I dont usually make moves in public during the day and also because I didn't want to kiss her somewhere we weren't able to escalate. Any thoughts on this?

One thing I recommend for future with any woman you encounter, know the area. You don't have to be an expert but knowing private locations where you can sneak away would be ideal. Another mentality to have is, no one is watching you. People are so caught up in themselves that they don't have time to worry about you. Women rely on you to make the move and call the shots, you've already gotten with her so keep that mentality too. Don't be afraid of making a move because at the end of the day she'll just think. "Maybe he doesn't want me."

Yet I can't quite put my finger on it. Did she put the brakes to try and boyfriend me or friend zone me? and lastly, should I make the next move (again) and ask her to come over for a bottle of wine and a movie or is it a lost cause and should I move on?

The interest level from her is definitely there, now it's just time for you to shine. Attraction has an expiration to it, the longer you take to make the move the move it will feel like you've been friend-zoned.

Dave

 

[Franco]

Hi MorningStar,

That period after first hooking up with a woman is usually a critical one. The reason is that it is usually the period where you are now in control and get to decide where the relationship goes from there. If you are looking for something casual, then usually your best bet is to set something up (like a dinner, movie, drinks, hot tub, etc.) at your place and invite her over. When a girl tries to get me to do other things, I usually just decline and request we get together at another time.

If she continually avoids going over to your place, then I would assume it is most likely that she is really looking for a relationship (or she just considered it to be a one night stand, but that does not seem like the case here). Why she may only want a relationship can occur for a number of reasons... maybe she was just in a casual sex relationship with someone and is looking for something more serious at the moment. There are other possibilities as well.

The important thing is that you continue to set the correct expectations for what you want. If you play into letting her command you on what to do and where to go, then she will be sucking you into something you may not want. By declining her invitations and giving her yours, you are implicitly setting your expectations as "I'm not looking for something serious, but I like you, so if you want to spend time with me at my place (or under my expectations essentially), you are more than welcome to."

You can't force a girl to make this decision, but you definitely do not want to do boyfriend-like things with her if that is not your end goal. It will give her the wrong idea and will only make her emotionally stressed out when she discovers that you did not want to become exclusive with her. Always let her know by your actions what your implications are to avoid hurting her. You can always do this in a warm way, too.

Always set the right expectations at every point with a woman. If she knows exactly what you want from the beginning, she can decide what she wants without having to deal with the confusion and emotional roller coaster.

Hope this helps.

- Franco

 

[MorningStar]

Thank you for the tips dave and Franco, you've both made great points on getting to know the area and making moves at the right time. I should mention that things went south with the girl as I had waited too long and surely the attraction had gone down regardless of our hookup. I think she didn't want to come off as whorey and just stop talking to me since it takes a lot for a Basque girl to sleep with someone. But it goes to show that when you do start having those gut instincts telling you that it probably won't work, it's usually for a good reason. I was feeling confused, scared, timid, weak, the works. But the other night I said Fuck it, told her she should come watch a movie with me at my place with a bottle of wine and some popcorn. She was not receptive to the idea whatsoever and actually ended up just leaving the conversation and I haven't heard from her since!(facebook convo) Immediately after, it was as if a weight was lifted and I felt like I could breathe again. Usually I get a bit depressed when a girl rejects or denies me(after investment moreso), but I ended up going out with some buddies that night, talked to many hunnys and could've hooked up with this chick I was talking to at the club we went to. Danced for a bit, she wanted to kiss me but I held back like a champ and built some amazing tension. I also want to mention that I've been drinking quite a bit and it's helped the approach anxiety, but I definitely need to be able to open without the assistance of that liquid courage.

Furthermore, I realize that regardless of my "number" and how many beautiful women I've been with in the past, I am still in the learning process and it only serves to show that there is a lot more to pickup than I originally thought. I'm glad to be apart of this community now as it has humbled me and allowed me to work on my game and self with an actual game plan. And all the better now that I'm studying abroad in Españaaaa, olé!

 

[Just_Dave]

Furthermore, I realize that regardless of my "number" and how many beautiful women I've been with in the past, I am still in the learning process and it only serves to show that there is a lot more to pickup than I originally thought. I'm glad to be apart of this community now as it has humbled me and allowed me to work on my game and self with an actual game plan. And all the better now that I'm studying abroad in Españaaaa, olé!

Hey MorningStar,

No worries, and actually I commend you on studying in Spain. There are many things to learn about women and it's an everyday process. Continue well and hope to see you achieve your goals.

Just Dave