Why do some guys get into exclusive relationships so fast?

[DoWhatWorks]

Why do guys insist on going exclusive with girls before 6 months?

Even when I was a virgin this intuitively never made sense to me

Someone close to you in a vulnerable way has to be vetted. It's like buying a car without looking around or having a test drive.

All my eventual GFs dated me 6 - 24 months first...

Before anyone says it's "your abundance" blah blah blah - in my early days I've been in positions when I've gone from 1 girl to 0 and I just worked on getting another 1.. or 2

 

[Skills]

Dah onitis

 

[DarkKnight]

Well, three big reasons I guess

A lot of guys believe that monogamy is the right thing to do (societal conditioning)

Guys spent a lot of time with the girl by which the dynamic already becomes boyfriend/girlfriend or/and the girl starts pressing for it because she doesnt want to waste her time

A lot of guys just want to call someone a girlfriend because they are not secret society

Or 4. As @Skills added. One itis, which correlates with lack of abundance as mentioned in your op

 

[TomInHo]

I think it's a personality thing

Some guys can't stand being alone, or feel a very strong emotional pull when they meet a girl they like. The mindset is usually let me wife up this chick and see what happens.

While others are more careful about who they let into their lives. They can really like a girl and feel as strongly about her as the guy above. But they are more skeptical by nature and tend to screen pretty harshly on the back end to see if she lives up to their initial impression

I don't think either extreme is ideal tbh and like most things the answer is somewhere in the middle

 

[DarkKnight]

I don't think either extreme is ideal tbh and like most things the answer is somewhere in the middle

Yeah man, I have seen people lose out in life by not letting nature do its work and be too rational/screening as well

 

[orkie123]

Im really picky in terms of personalities and values for a LTR. But I also can feel when a girl is likely to be compatible quickly. Then the long term is to buld up references if she is trustworthy, nurturing etc.

The difference then becomes - do you rather risk being monogamous early and finding out she isnt the one (and losing options along the way),

Or do you continue spending time gaming until you have enough green flag references to commit.

Many guys just dont enjoy the journey of gaming girls enough to be doing it if they get regular sex so they go for option 1.

The problem with option 1 is when the "secure" supply of sex is clouding your judgement of whether she is the one or not and you start making excuses for any red flags.

 

[Marcellus]

Lets say you've followed the golden rules and done everything correctly (not treating her like gf) (slowly ramping up investment) (not texting every single day) (seeing her once a week etc.)

and now it's been 3 months and she keeps/starts bringing up the where is this going? I don't want to waste my time? what are we? Type questions
What do you do then?
I've only been in this situation once so I'm genuinely curious... but usually from what I've seen and talking with other guys, around 3 months it's usually judgement day.

@DoWhatWorks how do you stretch that out to 6 months?

 

[DoWhatWorks]

Im really picky in terms of personalities and values for a LTR

Me and you both.

But I also can feel when a girl is likely to be compatible quickly

This makes me skeptical... I've been correct just as many times as I've been hugely incorrect about the LTR compatibility of me and a girl.

6 months is the minimum you need in my humble opinion and guys rushing don't have abundance and/or are lazy.

problem with option 1 is when the "secure" supply of sex is clouding your judgement of whether she is the one or not and you start making excuses for any red flags.

Couldn't agree more, I've seen this on the forum even with experienced guys.

Lets say you've followed the golden rules and done everything correctly (not treating her like gf) (slowly ramping up investment) (not texting every single day) (seeing her once a week etc.)

and now it's been 3 months and she keeps/starts bringing up the where is this going? I don't want to waste my time? what are we? Type questions
What do you do then?
I've only been in this situation once so I'm genuinely curious... but usually from what I've seen and talking with other guys, around 3 months it's usually judgement day.

@DoWhatWorks how do you stretch that out to 6 months?

Personally, I think the 3 month limit is off because I'm stretching it out to 12 months quite consistently these days but that's a topic for a whole other time.

The short answer that guys don't want to hear is you have to be comfortable with standing firm and losing girls.

There's no magic line or action that makes you immune to some girls cutting their losses quickly.

With that said - here's a guide I made and a guide skills made

 

[orkie123]

This makes me skeptical... I've been correct just as many times as I've been hugely incorrect about the LTR compatibility of me and a girl.

Ive limited experience with LTRs, but what I meant is that I can feel the vibe of the girl quickly. Very few girls for me pass this vibe check to the point where I would even consider them for a LTR. Most girls, I like the vibe for FWB but know I could never be with them long term within first few minutes.

Then within those that pass the LTR vibe check, I agree that it will take me longer to ensure her values, trust etc are in order and compatible. Since these things require many reference points over time, then I agree 6-12 months is probably not a bad shout.

I avoid conflict too much even with casual girls so havent had any serious drama with any girl Ive slept with. I do need to loosen up a little though cos some drama girls can be fun for short flings.

P.s. I had read your guide ages ago and like how simple but powerful it is. Good time for me to re-read it.

Only question I have is - I hate lying about being open to LTR so I usually answer honestly or even give up my stance before sex to remove any posibility of guilt. I have lost a few girls like that who I would have enjoyed as FWBs, and of course they went and got tricked by someone who did lie...

Is there any way to be honest but reduce chances of them dissapearing?

 

[Chase]

No other fast decision makers here, huh? Well, maybe @orkie123 is.

As far as I can tell, there are two approaches people take to decision making:

• SLOW TYPE: start from a state of uncertainty, then gradually, over time and careful, judicious trust building, arrive at a state of increasing certainty.
  
  
• FAST TYPE: start with strong initial instincts about something, then rapidly dig, probe, research, and screen to find out if your instincts are correct or were a false positive.

The oneitis AFCs who wife girls up in scarcity are generally slow types who wouldn’t do this if they had any choice, but the girl is demanding it and they feel like they have to to not lose her.

If you’re a fast type, you wife girls up exclusive to you fast after heavy initial screening (though not necessarily you exclusive back to them… if you are running one-sided monogamy, for instance. It is still more work than keeping them non-exclusive though; once they are exclusive to you, they have many of the demands and expectations of an exclusive girlfriend, they just do not ask as many questions).

I’m a fast type. I know the instant I first see a girl if she’s LTR material or not. It’s like a bolt from the blue. Then I just screen the shit out of her to see if she REALLY is or that’s just my boner talking. 80% of the time it’s the boner, lol. But that’s why I’ve written more on screening than probably any other guy in seduction or anywhere else. I just screen the ever-loving shit out of girls during the seduction (deep diving is more than just a technique; it is deep screening, when done right), in bed after sex, and over the first several weeks. By about 3-4 weeks in I know who she is 100% (or if she is the reserved type that hides stuff, she will be screened out by the end of that time period. Not a compatible personality type for me). I don’t think I’ve ever had anything happen with a girl past the 3-4 week mark that made me go, “Oh my God, I would never have expected…!”

But I do this with all kinds of things, not just girls. The speed with which I make most major life decisions would probably make most guys puke. That said, while it looks cavalier, I usually do a ton of deep research and deliberation, discussion, etc. I just do it all really fast. (the times I have skipped this step have led to mixed results though, I will admit. These incidents have learned me my lesson several times over. Yet I survive!)

That being said, I avoid putting anything about this or suggesting guys make big decisions super fast, etc., into my advice, since I know I’m an extreme outlier here.

Wouldn’t have it any other way, though…

Side note: I talk about decisiveness in this article:

How to Be Decisive

There it is: the Big Decision. On the one hand, you've got Road #1. And it is a tempting choice. It seems like a great path to go down... maybe everything you want. Except you're not 100% sure it'll work out. And if it doesn't, you'll have lost all that time going down it. Then, on the other...

www.girlschase.com

Chase

 

[DoWhatWorks]

Only question I have is - I hate lying about being open to LTR so I usually answer honestly or even give up my stance before sex to remove any posibility of guilt. I have lost a few girls like that who I would have enjoyed as FWBs, and of course they went and got tricked by someone who did lie...

Is there any way to be honest but reduce chances of them dissapearing?

From what I've seen, it's all in your delivery, packaging and womanese

Example

A) Most men: "I don't want a girlfriend and just want to have fun without being tied down" --> too in your face and girl has no hope.

B) Skilled men: "I'm in a place where I want pressure free, open fun experiences with no expectations" --> girl might bite

B says the exact same underlying message as A but positions it in a way that's more palatable for a girl. You also take the key benefits of casual and put that in the front and centre, making it more likely to be appealing for her too.

A life skill (not just for girls) is whenever you propose something, position it in the other person's best interest. My wing does this to me whenever he wants me to go to a venue I'm not keen on... Even though I know what he's doing it still works 50% of the time lol.

The oneitis AFCs who wife girls up in scarcity are generally slow types who wouldn’t do this if they had any choice, but the girl is demanding it and they feel like they have to to not lose her.

Agreed 100%

I’m a fast type. I know the instant I first see a girl if she’s LTR material or not. It’s like a bolt from the blue. Then I just screen the shit out of her to see if she REALLY is or that’s just my boner talking. 80% of the time it’s the boner, lol.

I appreciate the honesty here aha. As you admitted you're an outlier not only in experience but also screening ability and even for you, your initial gut feel has a 20% success rate so what hope do most guys (especially those seeking advice after things go wrong) have?

By about 3-4 weeks in I know who she is 100% (or if she is the reserved type that hides stuff, she will be screened out by the end of that time period. Not a compatible personality type for me). I don’t think I’ve ever had anything happen with a girl past the 3-4 week mark that made me go, “Oh my God, I would never have expected…!”

Looking at this it seems like you just do a concentrated version of my 6 months in 1... Which is fair.

I think most guys don't have the self-discipline/honesty or know-how to make informed decisions doing that.

If this relationship-sub thread told guys to make girls exclusive in 3-4 weeks you'd see the number of cluster B girlfriend scenarios skyrocket

 

[Will_V]

I make my mind up very fast about people's characters. Whether I make life decisions fast varies. Sometimes it's been fast, sometimes it's been slow. But it takes me a very short time to read someone down to the bone.

It goes so far as that if there's some material on the internet I'm thinking of learning from, or a book that I want to read, the first thing I do is google the author and get a look at them, and preferably watch an interview or something. In five seconds I know if it's someone whose mental model is worth exposing my mind to.

As far as screening girls, I have some work to do there. If there's a girl I like I tend to get too focused on what I like and idealize that the issues can be changed or worked with. Sometimes they can be shaped a little bit, but expecting to achieve any real change of a girl's personality is something I don't believe in anymore. I've always been too much of an idealist in that regard.

 

[Lantern]

Just one short comment: having a fear of "losing options" never striked me as particularly masculine.

 

[Chase]

@DoWhatWorks,

Looking at this it seems like you just do a concentrated version of my 6 months in 1... Which is fair.

I think most guys don't have the self-discipline/honesty or know-how to make informed decisions doing that.

If this relationship-sub thread told guys to make girls exclusive in 3-4 weeks you'd see the number of cluster B girlfriend scenarios skyrocket

Oh, 100% agreed.

I am constantly advising clients and friends to take things slower. The funny thing is client-wise I will have guys contact me about some new girl they are really excited for and want to get serious with but there are a few red flags. I always assume he's reaching out because he already knows what he SHOULD do but can't quite get himself to do it... lol.

I have a very mixed track record getting other guys to keep moving on from sexy red flag girls...

I appreciate the honesty here aha. As you admitted you're an outlier not only in experience but also screening ability and even for you, your initial gut feel has a 20% success rate so what hope do most guys (especially those seeking advice after things go wrong) have?

Yeah... the gut thing is interesting.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what causes that but can't find any singular cause.

It's not just hotness or the girl giving some subtle signal or anything else. There are hot girls and signaling girls, etc., that do not cause that.

Some chicks you get that feeling with really are great GF material. Others are hot messes bristling with red flags but somehow just flip all your switches.

The logical screening process is the only way to keep out the ones who'll turn your life upside down... but the weird thing is even once you've figured out logically that a chick is really bad news, you'll still tend to have this raw primal draw towards her... only discipline (+ abundance) lets you escape from that..

P.S., changed the title on the thread so it would match the content.


@Will_V,

It goes so far as that if there's some material on the internet I'm thinking of learning from, or a book that I want to read, the first thing I do is google the author and get a look at them, and preferably watch an interview or something. In five seconds I know if it's someone whose mental model is worth exposing my mind to.

I do this too.

As a business owner / minor Internet celebrity, now it makes me wonder if I should put some sort of more details in some collected bio page... eh. The stuff I have out is probably enough! Not trying to write my whole autobiography here...

As far as screening girls, I have some work to do there. If there's a girl I like I tend to get too focused on what I like and idealize that the issues can be changed or worked with. Sometimes they can be shaped a little bit, but expecting to achieve any real change of a girl's personality is something I don't believe in anymore. I've always been too much of an idealist in that regard.

At least for me, it's helpful to think of your emotion and logic as separate circuits in your brain, examining separate things.

Step 1: "Great, emotion digs this girl. Now let's let our logic do the sleuthing and see if it concurs."

If logic concurs, then awesome. If not, then I treat emotion like a dog on a leash trying to chase after the wrong thing. Just gotta keep him restrained until he gets back on the right trail.

"Bad dog! Stop trying to hump that girl's leg! That girl is bad news for you! Keep moving down the sidewalk!"

Chase

 

[Will_V]

I do this too.

As a business owner / minor Internet celebrity, now it makes me wonder if I should put some sort of more details in some collected bio page... eh. The stuff I have out is probably enough! Not trying to write my whole autobiography here...

I do believe you can get the same information from the tone of someone's writing, but you have to read a bunch of it before you get enough for a conclusion.

When it comes to learning material, the main barometer I use is how someone deals with uncertainty in what they are saying. If they rush to cover it up or reframe it in some way it's a sign that their mind is full of unconscious truths hidden behind illusions.

At least for me, it's helpful to think of your emotion and logic as separate circuits in your brain, examining separate things.

Step 1: "Great, emotion digs this girl. Now let's let our logic do the sleuthing and see if it concurs."

If logic concurs, then awesome. If not, then I treat emotion like a dog on a leash trying to chase after the wrong thing. Just gotta keep him restrained until he gets back on the right trail.

"Bad dog! Stop trying to hump that girl's leg! That girl is bad news for you! Keep moving down the sidewalk!"

Chase

There's a certain level of emotional impulsivity to it, for sure. But I really used to believe that a girl could and would change, if given opportunity combined with encouragement, positivity, and a solid leader in her life. Maybe it's because of what I've done with myself - for me the world is there to teach me, and everything is an opportunity to learn. But people really don't see it that way, in general. They would rather stay in some stable position of disfunctionality that they know, rather than face the vertigo of opening themselves up to reality.

Part of it is also that real change requires a sort of estranged relationship with the source of that change in order for someone's identity to be strengthened as a result of it. In a very intimate relationship, asking a girl who is adapting to you at the behavioral level to also forge a change in her independent identity is a tall order. And it is always the truth of someone's independent identity that comes out in a crisis, which happens sooner or later.

Whatever the reasons, my perception now is that real change is something that must be conceived of and motivated independently, finito. Someone else can play a role but it is just that, a role. So with that it is very easy for me now to clarify to myself why screening is a filter and not a todo list.