Will It Ever Be Enough?

[LemurKing]

After some therapy, lonely nights, and deep introspection, I've come the realization that many of my pursuits are an attempt to gain validation from others. And yet, not matter how high I go, it's never enough. I always need more. Will it ever be enough? Does anyone else suffer from this, or not realize they do.

Perfection Gets You Mothers Love​

Anything less than that or even just existing gets you yelled at and berated for everything wrong with you; or at least it did for me with my bipolar mother.

Now, in an effort to obtain the validation and sense of worth that I could never seem to get growing up, I set impossibly high ideals and standards for myself, and when I fail to attain them, I feel as if it's a reflection of who I am deep down as a person.

• Couldn't get an F close on your 3rd night out = You suck at game and are a failure
• Too afraid to approach a 3 set = Never mind how well you did with that set a minute ago, you're a pathetic coward. Just go home
• Girl flaked on you and never responded = There's something wrong with you, why else would she flake, you must be unattractive, or really bad a socializing
• BONUS: Went on a date and occasionally failed to maintain your fundamentals = Forget what went right with the date, you failed your fundamentals, you FAILED

And yet, through vicious determination and will, after I achieve my ideal (I always do), it's like I'm right back where I started, empty and wanting. No matter how much I do, it's never enough.

True Value Comes From Within​

I'm starting to get the sense that the true definition of self confidence is the inherent belief in your own value, regardless of what happens on the outside
It's pursuing goals/game, not for the validation of others, but for some deeper, more meaningful reason
It's knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how many times you are rejected, hurt, flaked on, ghosted, etc... You are okay, everything is okay

A Way Through​

I see the problem, but now what?
I find it hard to see how someones worth can come from within rather than from how they perform on the outside. Why else would anyone do something except for social standing and validation? Difficult questions.

1. Be aware of your motivations
   Next time you're about to do something (or are afraid to do something); approach a set, start a project, have sex with a girl, try to plan the perfect text response etc..., ask yourself "Why am I doing this?" Is it for validation. Do you do this (or avoid doing it) so you can gain some sense of worth from it. If the answer is yes, step back and re-evaluate.
2. Lower the bar
   Avoid setting absurdly high ideals for yourself. You don't need to be a master socialite with a charming personality to get girls. You don't need to be Play Boy Game master to have a good sex life. There's no requriment that you master game in a month.
   It's okay to be normal, to work towards a goal slowly, humbly, and patiently. It does not mean there's something wrong with you
3. Enjoy the ride
   When you reach your goal you celebrate for a moment, and then you say, with a frown on your face "Well now what?
   Enjoy the the process. Enjoy going out and practicing certain techniques and openers. Enjoy going to the gym and feeling that burn. The drive is longer than the end.
4. See what standards you set for others
   If judge yourself based on some standard or ideal, stop and ask yourself if you'd judge other people the same way based on that standard/ideal. If the answer is no then maybe your being unreasnoble

In all, I'm getting the sense that the way out of this rut is humility, and a humble pursuit of our goals and objectives with a focus on the process rather than the outcomes. I suspect there may be others suffering from a problem like mine. If you are, I hope my introspection shines a bit of light on your path.

 

[spetsnaz]

you came to excellent conclusions