Working on my fundamentals but...

[DanG]

I've spent a couple of months working on my fundamentals. I totally see the need for it and in fact I'm enjoying the differences I'm beginning to feel but I haven't been approaching recently. I'm worried that part of me feels 'Ok, I'm doing this thing that will help me with my dating life' and so I feel less bad about pushing myself to say 'Hi' to women I don't know.

I guess I feel that fundamentals are in my comfort zone (I'm a total self improvement junkie anyway) but talking to strange women is totally not.

I'm lucky in that I get approached by women from time to time anyway but I guess this doesn't help in some ways because I can put off making an approach and hope that some time soon (maybe) I'll get approached instead.

Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing advice or stories about your first approaches and how you guys got over this hump - though it feels more like a mountain right now...

 

[Jeet02]

Dan,

I was pretty terrified to approach girls myself. I hated it, especially in bars. (disclaimer: I have only approached like 3 girls in the last month at a bar). I do like to do approaches somewhere else, somewhere where their guard isn't as up as it is in a bar. But I wasn't even able to do that before either, and if you go way back in time, I was terrified of even talking to girls. So I am going to assume you can hold a conversation with girls, but it is those initial 5-10 seconds that actually terrify you. I am still kinda anxious to do it, I do get scared a little bit too, and I am going to confront it even more this week/weekend when I go out, BUT the way I improved on it, the way I have been able to talk to and approach some girls is thanks to Chase himself. The phrase he used was pretty simple: THINK in NUMBERS. (Think in Numbers: Talking to Lots of Girls) You should definitely read that article.

Basically what it tells you is: The mistake us common guys do, or AFC (average frustrated chump) as they call it in the PUA world, we get nervous when we are going to approach a girl because we put all of our eggs in that basket. It is all in for us. And it shouldn't be. When you realize that there are 10 or 15 more girls in that bar/place you could potentially talk to, your mentality changes to: "Fine, if it doesn't work out, I still have 10 more to go". And when you look at it that way, it stops being so scary. There are TONs of women out there and the reality of the matter is, you are NOT going to connect with all of them. Some you will connect with, some you will not. It is the way life works, and that is FINE. By talking to more and more women, you start realizing which ones you actually like and which ones you don't.

Something they suggest in "The Game" as well, is the three second rule. You should approach/talk to her, 3 seconds after you have spotted her for two reasons. First, if you wait too long she might see you and feel like you are creeping on her, but second and most important, if you wait longer you start to overanalyze and get more and more nervous.

Hope that helps, Chase has a few more blog posts on his website related to this as well. Those are my 2 cents...I will get back to you when I put it in more practice this following days. But for now...I hope that helps.

Cheers!

PS. Another point that changed my perspective a little bit was that there was this GORGEOUS girl I could have easily talked to (she was alone quite a few times) one night and never did the approach. After I got home I felt horrible, I couldn't believe I didn't go for it. I was pretty pissed at myself. So I didn't nor do I want to feel like that again. Truth of the matter is, if you approach and get rejected, you are still going to feel better than if you didn't approach.

 

[Flu1d]

I think that everyone struggles with this and has to remind themselves that approaching girls is easy.
These are some mind sets I like to put myself in and remind myself of..

1. Say to yourself you are a stud. Literally find a mirror, look at yourself, and just say I love you man. Cliche, but hey don't knock it til you try it!

2. Believe you are such a great person and interesting guy to talk to that it would be a shame for women not to get to know you and miss out on a once in a lifetime opportunity. You have to believe it. Just don't come across arrogant. Big difference from confidence.

3. Lift or exercise at least a few times a week. Optional, but I find it helps many guys with confidence and makes you feel good about how you look.

4. Realize that whoever it is, that they are just a normal person. No reason to put any woman on a pedestal. It cripples your value in her eyes at least if its early on.

5. There are so many women in the world, if it doesn't work out with her there are literally hundreds of millions more!

6. People's opinions don't matter. Your reality isn't affected by how people see you.

Go get em!

 

[DanG]

Cool thanks guys!

I was a bit hesitant to post an approach anxiety question because it must be newbie FAQ #1 but I guess someone was gonna do it sooner or later!

The thing is when I do get up the courage to approach the outcome has almost always been awesome. But I just get this weird thing like a stage hypnotist has just told me my feet are stuck in quick drying cement. My mind's going 'approach, approach, approach' and my legs just don't move - it's a bit ridiculous!

Getting my fundamentals better has definitely given me confidence and I am much happier flirting with eye contact and so on but approaching...

Would still love to hear more approach stories or anyone who's having similar issues.

 

[Jeet02]

That is indeed a really awesome quote Malcolm. Definitely goes on par with what is being said here. I like it.

Something else I wanted to add is that if the girl is really worth it, or fun, or what not, you are going to have SOMETHING to talk about. No matter what. But you got to keep in mind that the truth of the matter is that there are in fact girls out there that SUCK at conversations. They just do, the same way sometimes we suck at them too. So just because the conversation isn't really going anywhere doesn't mean that you are necessarily doing something wrong. Now, keep in mind that what I mean by this is that you are asking questions and she is just answering them and thats it, there is nothing that you can really take out of it. Of course, there is also the chance that she is not attracted to you...and that is fine too. She doesn't know what she is missing out on, right?!

 

[Eric]

PS. Another point that changed my perspective a little bit was that there was this GORGEOUS girl I could have easily talked to (she was alone quite a few times) one night and never did the approach. After I got home I felt horrible, I couldn't believe I didn't go for it. I was pretty pissed at myself. So I didn't nor do I want to feel like that again. Truth of the matter is, if you approach and get rejected, you are still going to feel better than if you didn't approach.

I hate this. I hate this SO much when I do it. I feel awful when I know I could have gotten a girl and probably had the most enjoyable experiences with her if I simply moved her (but didn't because I forgot / was lazy.. or missed a small window when moving fast.. or didn't handle objections well). I used to get annoyed with myself with beautiful girls I didn't approach but now I get excited when I see one (they are hard to find!) so that's not a problem anymore.

 

[Jeet02]

Yeah omgosh. I just try to remind myself of that feeling now if I am questioning myself. I know that if I approach her, even if I reject her, I won't feel worse than if I don't. So it is definitely a good motivator. But yes...that feeling is horrible. You feel like a complete loser. Complete idiot. At least I do...