Since I've been learning some good stuff on this site, I decided to post a bit more about where I have come from and where I am up to now.
When I was 19 I got married to a girl that I had been with since my 17th birthday. (Prior to that my teenage girl experiences were all ones of intense oneitis, chasing, painful rejections and a couple of messed up Cluster B types. Since I grew up in a home with zero emotional, relational or sexual guidance I had to figure everything out for myself.) We grew up together, went to university together, had a family together, and travelled around the country as my tech career grew. It was, for the most part, a very happy time. Our relationship and family was envied by many as the romantic ideal.
Then after 20 years as I was approaching 40 and our kids were teenagers, I felt dissatisfied with my self image and wanted to make radical changes to become more physical and develop an athletic body. I started competitive powerlifting and discovered something I was good at, and had a passion for. My wife was not keen on it, especially as my body changed shape, and it become a polarizing issue for us that we were unable to resolve. I achieved my physical goals in spite of opposition, but we grew apart. I will not go into details here but it became psychologically unhealthy and the last few years were not at all good. In retrospect, red flags were there at the beginning but unrecognized as such.
A year ago we separated and I found myself - hitherto a successful man in career and music, faithful husband and devoted father - 43 y.o. homeless, alone, shamed and clinically depressed. My sense of self worth was crippled by belittling insults, rage and other verbal abuse. And I was single with no experience of getting a girlfriend since I was 16, before smartphones or social media existed.
However, as I set about rebuilding, new possibilities began to emerge. After 3 months, during a work trip to Hawaii, I met a woman through Tinder who blew me away. It was the very first date I had been on. And she was a bodybuilder, totally jacked. Since I was a kid I've had a thing for muscular women but never been with one - it was a total fantasy. And she seemed to love everything about me. We had several romantic dates that week, including walking along the beach at night and making love back in my hotel room. The first time I totally freaked out afterwards - it felt like I had cheated or done something terrible - it was just leftover programming from being in the marriage. Sex was amazing and since she was love-bombing me, I thought I had entered utopia and I totally fell for her. I'm pretty sure she was BPD, or somewhere squarely in that ballpark. When that ended and she blamed me pretty harshly, I got all needy and fell apart. Oneitis. "I'll never find another sweet, sexy, affectionate bodybuilder girl."
The emotional breakdown was disproportionate to the reality. It forced me to do more grieving work for my marriage and my family. Very tough therapy work. Had to come to terms with codependent traits in myself and recognize why I was attracted to these BPD types. I had to develop practical strategies to pull myself up. That took me another few months to recover.
Within that time I had 2 or 3 other dates. One with a Ukraininan control freak in London (LR-). One with a 40-yr-old bodybuilder who was pretty unattractive and easy (LR). One with a crazy girl who looked nothing like her photo (FR). No emotion from my side.
However, as the reality of losing Hawaii girl sunk in - along with the admission that she was not in fact my soulmate but someone with some serious issues of her own - I began to realize some truths: that there was nothing fundamentally unattractive about me; that I could seem an attractive option to some women; and that those women could include very hot American bodybuilders in their 20s. Also, I didn't lose her because there was something wrong with me; I lost her because (a) she was far away and (b) I had no game and didn't know what the hell I was doing. I got her purely on attraction and value, and maybe the charm of an inexperienced and vulnerable man. (My 'game' consisted of blurting out things like, "wow I fancy you so much!" like a horny teenager!) Still, I did well with her, made her pretty happy that week in bed and out of it.
After this I decided to switch my own training from powerlifting to bodybuilding to better align with my true desires. I had just ranked 4th in the UK in my weight category for powerlifting and didn't want to take it any further. I hired a coach and made the switch as I realized it was something I wanted for myself, and also something I wanted in my sexual and relationship partners.
I also got myself a nice apartment in my city to live in, and started a business to afford some luxuries, as my ex-wife is trying to suck my balls dry financially. (I'm not even going into that here so don't bother picking up on it.)
Still my self-confidence was lacking. The thing is, I have all this value going for me, but I've been discounting it, treating as though it were nothing, accepting those negative frames/labels that other people have thrown at me.("Ugly", "geek", "inappropriate", "weak".) I need to get back to the place of quiet confidence where I know my value and can display it implicitly. To this end, I wrote myself this little list of reminders for things that are awesome about me:
I have a top job in the tech industry, with all of the big four trying to hire me. (I work for one of them.) They pay me very well in salary, bonuses and stock. To some, this is "geek stuff", but wtf - everyone uses a fucking smartphone to post their insta pics, but you don't think how it works might be interesting? Grow up. I'm one of the people inventing the tech you use every day. With the business I started, I can generate similar income whenever I have the time from a laptop anywhere in the world. I have a top degree in Math from a leading university. I have experience of holding together a long term relationship and modeling positive parenting. I'm an ex-pro pianist with perfect pitch. I've built and conducted an orchestra. I've travelled to the Philippines to rescue young girls from sex slavery. I have solved a fucking Rubik's cube blindfolded. I'm well educated, and have taught math, software, music and biblical theology. I'm a loyal friend who can get shit done. I was awaded the MacRobert prize for engineering. I changed my life habits to become a national strength athlete in the face of punishing opposition from someone who should have been my biggest supporter. If I want to become a bodybuilder next, then I absolutely positively definitely know that I have what it takes to achieve that. I think I have pretty good fundamentals. Many women consider me handsome and impressive, especially in the USA. I can be a passionate lover and more than able to give a woman a good time in the sack. I travel where I want when I want and have nobody in the world that I have to answer to. I've survived an absolute cataclysmic family breakdown and come out with the willingness to grow and be in better relationships in future.
And yet when I went on my last date with a very popular pro bodybuilder that I think is gorgeous, she switched on her bitch shield and I just pretty much reverted to a weak-ass teenage boy. I was thinking, "since I only have 200 insta followers and she has 50k, she will consider me to be below her level". In other words I was aware of her frame but completely clueless on how to present a stronger frame of my own. How to show value implicitly. I was so thrown by it that I didn't even remember to touch her or tease her. My head was just kinda spinning the whole time trying to keep up, and I missed the escalation window for no good reason. I think this fatally injured both my value and my attainability. In conclusion, I have enough going for me to be able to get initial attraction and get a shot with the type of women that I find irresistible, when circumstances are right. But because I have no game experience, when I'm actually with a woman that I'm very attracted to, I only pull it off if she is so attracted to me that either she doesn't test me at all, or I have lots of room to make mistakes along the way. After Hawaii chick, I started reading material on GC, but I didn't really practise it partly because I thought I would never find another girl I really wanted anyway. Then I surprise myself and get on an instadate with my instacrush and I bomb out, and have to kick myself hard. I will not let that happen again due to lack of effort.
I've been reflecting and this leads me to several realizations. The first is that, like Chase says in his article on oneitis, you need to meet more women. The reason is that as time passes and you stay emotionally stuck, you are suffering an opportunity cost: during that time you could be improving your skills and getting better prepared for the next time you meet someone who you think is really great. This is another helpful corollary from seeing the whole endeavour as being skill-based. (Although, if you need time to grieve, that's what you need. You can't lift heavy weights when you're injured but you can do something light.)
Anyway, here's a list of things I commit to doing:
- Get more serious about my bodybuilding journey and do my first competition later this year
- Get pro photos taken for my Tinder and Instagram
- Get my testosterone levels checked to see how healthy they are
- Go on dates with women I view as only a 6-7 to gain experience, even if I am not that excited about the idea
- Finish furnishing my apartment so I can invite people over for dinner and expand my social network
- Attend at least 3 more bodybuilding shows in 2018 - to meet people of similar interests male and female
- Make an effort to grow my instagram following - hire a PR coach if necessary
- Continue 1-to-1 coaching with GC (have been doing consultations with Hector - very challenging to my nice-guy mental models)
- Force myself to do cold approaches in UK and US
- Considering shelling out $8k for a one-to-one intensive coaching week with ToddV in NYC - what do others think?
- Do mindfulness meditation every day as part of my daily routine
- ^ Have a daily routine
- Collect some of the mindset articles I have found most helpful and productive and commit portions of them to memory
- Make a detailed pro/con list for the possibility of emigrating from UK to the USA - what do others think?
I have been single for a year. I have had a few good moments and many lonely ones. I have too much to offer to remain in the AFC camp for much longer. I deserve to experience touch and sex and love, and to give some happiness to women that are attracted to me too.
Your comments, gentlemen.
When I was 19 I got married to a girl that I had been with since my 17th birthday. (Prior to that my teenage girl experiences were all ones of intense oneitis, chasing, painful rejections and a couple of messed up Cluster B types. Since I grew up in a home with zero emotional, relational or sexual guidance I had to figure everything out for myself.) We grew up together, went to university together, had a family together, and travelled around the country as my tech career grew. It was, for the most part, a very happy time. Our relationship and family was envied by many as the romantic ideal.
Then after 20 years as I was approaching 40 and our kids were teenagers, I felt dissatisfied with my self image and wanted to make radical changes to become more physical and develop an athletic body. I started competitive powerlifting and discovered something I was good at, and had a passion for. My wife was not keen on it, especially as my body changed shape, and it become a polarizing issue for us that we were unable to resolve. I achieved my physical goals in spite of opposition, but we grew apart. I will not go into details here but it became psychologically unhealthy and the last few years were not at all good. In retrospect, red flags were there at the beginning but unrecognized as such.
A year ago we separated and I found myself - hitherto a successful man in career and music, faithful husband and devoted father - 43 y.o. homeless, alone, shamed and clinically depressed. My sense of self worth was crippled by belittling insults, rage and other verbal abuse. And I was single with no experience of getting a girlfriend since I was 16, before smartphones or social media existed.
However, as I set about rebuilding, new possibilities began to emerge. After 3 months, during a work trip to Hawaii, I met a woman through Tinder who blew me away. It was the very first date I had been on. And she was a bodybuilder, totally jacked. Since I was a kid I've had a thing for muscular women but never been with one - it was a total fantasy. And she seemed to love everything about me. We had several romantic dates that week, including walking along the beach at night and making love back in my hotel room. The first time I totally freaked out afterwards - it felt like I had cheated or done something terrible - it was just leftover programming from being in the marriage. Sex was amazing and since she was love-bombing me, I thought I had entered utopia and I totally fell for her. I'm pretty sure she was BPD, or somewhere squarely in that ballpark. When that ended and she blamed me pretty harshly, I got all needy and fell apart. Oneitis. "I'll never find another sweet, sexy, affectionate bodybuilder girl."
The emotional breakdown was disproportionate to the reality. It forced me to do more grieving work for my marriage and my family. Very tough therapy work. Had to come to terms with codependent traits in myself and recognize why I was attracted to these BPD types. I had to develop practical strategies to pull myself up. That took me another few months to recover.
Within that time I had 2 or 3 other dates. One with a Ukraininan control freak in London (LR-). One with a 40-yr-old bodybuilder who was pretty unattractive and easy (LR). One with a crazy girl who looked nothing like her photo (FR). No emotion from my side.
However, as the reality of losing Hawaii girl sunk in - along with the admission that she was not in fact my soulmate but someone with some serious issues of her own - I began to realize some truths: that there was nothing fundamentally unattractive about me; that I could seem an attractive option to some women; and that those women could include very hot American bodybuilders in their 20s. Also, I didn't lose her because there was something wrong with me; I lost her because (a) she was far away and (b) I had no game and didn't know what the hell I was doing. I got her purely on attraction and value, and maybe the charm of an inexperienced and vulnerable man. (My 'game' consisted of blurting out things like, "wow I fancy you so much!" like a horny teenager!) Still, I did well with her, made her pretty happy that week in bed and out of it.
After this I decided to switch my own training from powerlifting to bodybuilding to better align with my true desires. I had just ranked 4th in the UK in my weight category for powerlifting and didn't want to take it any further. I hired a coach and made the switch as I realized it was something I wanted for myself, and also something I wanted in my sexual and relationship partners.
I also got myself a nice apartment in my city to live in, and started a business to afford some luxuries, as my ex-wife is trying to suck my balls dry financially. (I'm not even going into that here so don't bother picking up on it.)
Still my self-confidence was lacking. The thing is, I have all this value going for me, but I've been discounting it, treating as though it were nothing, accepting those negative frames/labels that other people have thrown at me.("Ugly", "geek", "inappropriate", "weak".) I need to get back to the place of quiet confidence where I know my value and can display it implicitly. To this end, I wrote myself this little list of reminders for things that are awesome about me:
I have a top job in the tech industry, with all of the big four trying to hire me. (I work for one of them.) They pay me very well in salary, bonuses and stock. To some, this is "geek stuff", but wtf - everyone uses a fucking smartphone to post their insta pics, but you don't think how it works might be interesting? Grow up. I'm one of the people inventing the tech you use every day. With the business I started, I can generate similar income whenever I have the time from a laptop anywhere in the world. I have a top degree in Math from a leading university. I have experience of holding together a long term relationship and modeling positive parenting. I'm an ex-pro pianist with perfect pitch. I've built and conducted an orchestra. I've travelled to the Philippines to rescue young girls from sex slavery. I have solved a fucking Rubik's cube blindfolded. I'm well educated, and have taught math, software, music and biblical theology. I'm a loyal friend who can get shit done. I was awaded the MacRobert prize for engineering. I changed my life habits to become a national strength athlete in the face of punishing opposition from someone who should have been my biggest supporter. If I want to become a bodybuilder next, then I absolutely positively definitely know that I have what it takes to achieve that. I think I have pretty good fundamentals. Many women consider me handsome and impressive, especially in the USA. I can be a passionate lover and more than able to give a woman a good time in the sack. I travel where I want when I want and have nobody in the world that I have to answer to. I've survived an absolute cataclysmic family breakdown and come out with the willingness to grow and be in better relationships in future.
And yet when I went on my last date with a very popular pro bodybuilder that I think is gorgeous, she switched on her bitch shield and I just pretty much reverted to a weak-ass teenage boy. I was thinking, "since I only have 200 insta followers and she has 50k, she will consider me to be below her level". In other words I was aware of her frame but completely clueless on how to present a stronger frame of my own. How to show value implicitly. I was so thrown by it that I didn't even remember to touch her or tease her. My head was just kinda spinning the whole time trying to keep up, and I missed the escalation window for no good reason. I think this fatally injured both my value and my attainability. In conclusion, I have enough going for me to be able to get initial attraction and get a shot with the type of women that I find irresistible, when circumstances are right. But because I have no game experience, when I'm actually with a woman that I'm very attracted to, I only pull it off if she is so attracted to me that either she doesn't test me at all, or I have lots of room to make mistakes along the way. After Hawaii chick, I started reading material on GC, but I didn't really practise it partly because I thought I would never find another girl I really wanted anyway. Then I surprise myself and get on an instadate with my instacrush and I bomb out, and have to kick myself hard. I will not let that happen again due to lack of effort.
I've been reflecting and this leads me to several realizations. The first is that, like Chase says in his article on oneitis, you need to meet more women. The reason is that as time passes and you stay emotionally stuck, you are suffering an opportunity cost: during that time you could be improving your skills and getting better prepared for the next time you meet someone who you think is really great. This is another helpful corollary from seeing the whole endeavour as being skill-based. (Although, if you need time to grieve, that's what you need. You can't lift heavy weights when you're injured but you can do something light.)
Anyway, here's a list of things I commit to doing:
- Get more serious about my bodybuilding journey and do my first competition later this year
- Get pro photos taken for my Tinder and Instagram
- Get my testosterone levels checked to see how healthy they are
- Go on dates with women I view as only a 6-7 to gain experience, even if I am not that excited about the idea
- Finish furnishing my apartment so I can invite people over for dinner and expand my social network
- Attend at least 3 more bodybuilding shows in 2018 - to meet people of similar interests male and female
- Make an effort to grow my instagram following - hire a PR coach if necessary
- Continue 1-to-1 coaching with GC (have been doing consultations with Hector - very challenging to my nice-guy mental models)
- Force myself to do cold approaches in UK and US
- Considering shelling out $8k for a one-to-one intensive coaching week with ToddV in NYC - what do others think?
- Do mindfulness meditation every day as part of my daily routine
- ^ Have a daily routine
- Collect some of the mindset articles I have found most helpful and productive and commit portions of them to memory
- Make a detailed pro/con list for the possibility of emigrating from UK to the USA - what do others think?
I have been single for a year. I have had a few good moments and many lonely ones. I have too much to offer to remain in the AFC camp for much longer. I deserve to experience touch and sex and love, and to give some happiness to women that are attracted to me too.
Your comments, gentlemen.
