A Question For Virgins...

[Bastian]

Currently, I have three major roadblocks to having sex. First of all, I am 17 with helicopter parents, so my logistics are fucked; I can only imagine having sex in public or being lucky at her place... there is too much left up to chance. Then, I am missing constant or even regular access to women and anyone else, I have been homeschooling (online) ever since 8th grade, and also moved to a different state for a few months, so I still have to scout this area. And now, if I don't approach anyone, then I will never get anything; much less the opportunity to lose virginity, I look forwards to completing the newbie assignment to see if I can grab this bull by the horns and start approaching; I believe my shyness makes it harder for me to approach anyone, but this is just an excuse; shy or not, only results matter.

I could say a fourth problem is moving faster with women, yet this relates to my shyness and the chance to move forward at all have been a grand total of 1 since discovering girls chase, and 2 from back in the 5th and 7th grades. That last one was social circle*, so I was afraid of losing an actual friend (and maybe even job) if I fucked it up, but I missed dozens of opportunity windows. I believe one of our friends was trying to hook us up, and even then I struggled with self-value. Kind of weird actually, she would lie about her achievements to impress me and once even front-loaded her value for me. I was never sure if she was teasing or actually interested in me due to the lack of self-value -- according to GC, she had genuine interest.

Speaking of results, GC has helped me tremendously with my inner game over the span of 7 months. I used to be a weak white knight who imagined women as sexless, helpless beings in need of a provider. So yeah, just writing this made me cringe a bit, funny how watching the media (another thing which I improved upon, no TV leaves room for other areas in life) can distort perceptions, since my own parents and family lean towards the bawdy side of things.

Will do some interviews with Starbucks (hopefully just one) and I know this will improve both my shyness and give me not only regular access, but interaction with women. On the other hand, I would hate to lose this gig over something trivial. I will keep things professional.

EDIT:
* I should stress this girl had two or three separate social circles, I was just good friends with the boyfriend of her best friend.

 

[Frost]

Hello Drexel,

Right now my main problem is approaching. I'm missing out many opportunities to approach women (I'm not getting many opportunities anyway) so I'm trying to work on that right now, have my friends push me to go approach when we're out and happen to see a cute girl there.

In terms of inner game I have come a long way. I can't even believe how much I changed in a year.

And the other issue is logistics. I can't take girls back to my place, because I live with my parents and younger siblings, so my best bet is actually my car, or possibly her space if there is a chance.

I believe that once I start approaching girls regularly it will be just a matter of practice and calibration until I start seeing results.

 

[Ken]

I am still a virgin. The number one thing holding me back is that I haven't gone on a single date with a woman yet. The Biggest problem that I'm having is getting women to actually go on a date with me. I feel like if I can get over this, then I could rocket to amazing success with women. My greatest fear or frustration in my journey is my fear of failure, and the hardest thing for me to do is get women to go on a date with me.

 

[Skid]

Just skimming through what the other guys have said and comparing them to my own experiences. When you start out its REALLY hard to get anywhere with cold approach if you come from a background in which you weren't very social. You can go literally an entire year and get just 1 or maybe even 0 dates simply because your ability to read social interactions is so terrible and to put it bluntly you aren't that charismatic. So girls simply show zero interest in you and will really only talk to you out of politeness and not sexual interest. And the ability to have girls interested in you comes with time and all the tools are already here on GC - its just at times you feel as tho it isn't going to work because everyone else seems to be succeeding much faster than you so you come to the cliche conclusion "this doesn't work for me". During those times you have to take a step back and look at why. Were these guys already social people? Are they using social circle to get laid or online dating? All of which are easier than cold approach. Did they get SUPER lucky?

If there is a steroid for improving your social skills its cold approach. When you try to improve them in say your social circle its really easy to fall into old habits and not improve or maybe have your circle isolate you because of the change. If you just want to get laid ASAP I think its best to just try online dating if you don't have logistics screen for the girls place which is what seems to have happened with some of the guys on here. People say that you won't meet very high quality girls there but I haven't tried it so I wouldn't know.


For me personally dates have slowly become more regular and its a matter of me working through my difficult logistics (might ask a close friend or two if I can use their place tho usually I just screen girls for their own place) and my performance anxiety / overcoming token resistance . I know the the sex I'm going to give is probably going to be terrible for how many times I don't know : I've been a slow learner so far. So the only solution I can see is bite the bullet and just accept the first girl or maybe couple girls I sleep with aren't going to want to see me again . I suppose I could ask a mildly attractive girl at work to "pity fuck" me but from what I've heard that never works and whenever I've played the inexperienced card at previous sticking points the girl has gone running for the hills - maybe if I do it in an attractive way I could pull it off but meh.

 

[TouchGrass]

Hey Drexel,

Great idea to ask the question; I don't believe I've seen anyone specifically asking for us virgins' opinions on our own sticking points as of yet, especially considering there's quite a few of us out there. Very smart move.

For me, the #1 thing holding me back is...well, I don't know. And that's exactly what's holding me back. If I knew what my real biggest problem is, if I knew what I had to fix to rocket to amazing success with women then I'd be fixing it by now.

That's why, at least for me, while the question is well-intentioned it doesn't address the root of the problem. I have a favorite quote from one of Chase's articles, which he might've quoted from somewhere else, that aptly describes my predicament as the beginner student: "I don't know anything, and I don't know what I don't know."

I and the other guys here can tell you what we THINK is our problem, but as is common in the world of seduction our surface analysis only scratches the tip of the iceberg. I'll give you a few recent examples of what I mean.

When I just started regularly going out and cold approaching about four weeks ago, I thought my biggest problem was technique. "I just need to say my line correctly!" I'd tell myself, or "If I just have the balls to approach then women are sure to be warm, right?"

Then the results came in, and they weren't as I expected. Over a hundred girls have rejected me and I'd be constantly asking myself what I did wrong at the end of each outing in my field report. I was convinced it was a problem with my technique still. Then a fellow named Smith on the boards comes along and blows my expectations out of the water: "From what you write, you sound unsure of yourself when you approach. Take a deep breath and relax. Focus on the emotions and vibe you're conveying."

I just tried his advice today, and suddenly it makes a lot of a sense. I got a number close for the first time in a week! As it turned out what I didn't need was another extensive guide on more opening technique--though I'll concede that they're certainly helpful.

What I needed was an expert eye to tell me, "Hey, this is what you're doing wrong. Now I'll tell you how to fix it, or now that you know you can go search up the answer yourself."

Same thing with my fashion fundamentals. For awhile I thought my problem was that my short-sleeved button up shirts weren't tight enough. Then I sent an email to Darius and suddenly, BAM, he points out all the mistakes I'm making with style and recommended things I can try. None of which, by the way, were getting tighter short-sleeved button ups...in fact, he recommended I stop going with short-sleeves entirely!

So that's why, Drexel, I don't think our biggest problem is an on-the-surface thing we can point out and you can give us a technique guide to. Our real problem is that we don't really know what our REAL, underlying problem is.

I think what we really need is a simple guide, or "Troubleshooter" so to speak, which we can use to figure out where we're really screwing up, and then the steps we can take to figure out how to fix it. Perhaps this applies more to guys just starting out who ARE approaching but don't know what the hell they're doing than other guys who're still finding it hard to get out there and approach at all. The latter's a bit of a different story entirely, and I've been there too, so I get maybe something like this wouldn't help them out as much.

Moreover, I have no clue where anyone would even BEGIN with this sort of solution...teaching men not technique, but how to find the problems with their technique and fix them. In more common terms, teaching a man how to fish instead of handing the fish out to him. So though I understand if it may be too daunting of a task to surmount, I do wish you the best of luck and hope you to take this into consideration!

Best regards,
Alex

 

[journeyman]

Having been through that transition point fairly recently, I think I can throw in my 2 cents.

To me it all came down to being incredibly held back by what other people think about me and how they are going to judge me. I have literally passed opportunities to kiss girls because I thought they would freak out by my inexperience. I've had girls through social circle that I knew were somehow interested and I would never try anything with them because I was afraid that if we had sex everyone would find out that I was a virgin. As a result this fed to approach anxiety (still has) when I was first reading pickup material. Any approach at that point was half assed and lame.

For me what it all comes down to for being inexperienced in pickup is giving yourself permission to do whatever the fuck you want and not care about other people. It's easier said than done, I still struggle a lot with that but I have come a long way and I have noticed that the progress I make is always associated with just letting go.

I think the above comments about not having social clues are on point, but there are some people that are sufficient socially however they are being restrained by wanting to be socially acceptable.

 

[Bete Noire]

Hey Sak!

I have exactly the problem you just listed,

I don't want to ruin the alpha-vibe with my inexperience!

What has helped you the most get over that? A lil' bit of advice would be rather useful ^^

- Rob

 

[Bboy100]

I'm obviously not a virgin anymore. But 1.5 years ago, I was. And I very much remember what it was like. The biggest road block for me was actually getting out and meeting women. Lack of friends interested in meeting women combined with approach anxiety was what really made it difficult for me. I spent my weekends at my house playing League of Legends for 12 hours a day. No female contact whatsoever.

Every guy I know who's a virgin (I know a few) is simply not meeting women. Either he has no friends, or all he ever does with his friends is hang out in an apartment and play videogames or something. I firmly believe that anyone can lose their virginity organically just by being in a place where you interact with women. ...Yeah, they'll never be casanova if they don't go out of their way to learn this stuff, but they'll still get lucky every once in a while. Doesn't matter who they are.

Also, prior to learning pickup material, I didn't even try with girls because I felt like I didn't know what to do. Asking me to talk to a girl might as well have been asking me to speak French. I felt like attracting a girl was somehow innately different from regular conversation (which to be fair, in some ways it is but not as different as I thought). And since I didn't know what that different conversation is supposed to look like, I decided there's no point cause without knowing this stuff, there's no way any girl would ever like me (this is obviously false, but there was no way for me to know that at the time haha).

Finally, I had exceptionally high standards. I would do online dating, and out of 40 girls or so, I would only message three. I believed that if she doesn't look like a super model "she's not good enough to be worth my time". I also applied this to real life. So I basically dismissed 95% of the female population as viable mates. In hindsight, this was just a defense against rejection. I convinced myself that she's not good enough for me as a way of excusing myself from having to approach her or interact with her.

I also had a host of anxiety/inner game problems to deal with. But writing about them would take a 2000 word post. ahaha

Edit: I also want to note that perhaps cold approach is not the way to go for a virgin. The barrier to entry is too high. It causes most people to quit. And even for those who don't, I think they progress way slower than they would if they just put themselves in social situations, get comfortable talking to women in a low pressure environment (ex. a cooking class or a group fitness class, work etc.), and only THEN go on to start trying cold approach.

 

[journeyman]

Hey Sak!

I have exactly the problem you just listed,

I don't want to ruin the alpha-vibe with my inexperience!

What has helped you the most get over that? A lil' bit of advice would be rather useful ^^

- Rob

Rob, as I said I am still struggling with that shit so take my advice with a grain of salt. It's easy to say "oh just let go man, don't care what other people think". However
I don't think it would be very helpful. First find people to hang out with that are as free as possible and ideally do ridiculous things in public. If you can find a wing who is just a bit better than you that you can grow together and push each other it will help a lot.

Second, getting an alpha vibe and being inexperienced will probably be incongruent. What you need to do is burn a lot of sets on purpose just to calibrate. Try to behave like the most experienced pimp ever and see what will come out of it. Then just be yourself, don't try hard at all and also see what it gets you. Do it with enough girls and you will strike a balance. Which leads to the final and maybe more important, start being polarizing. This has helped me a lot, just do things that you would normally dismiss as socially unacceptable and see what you can get away with.

Bboy's post also reminded me of how absurdly high my standards were. That shit is ridiculous man I was 15 kg overweight and I wouldn't consider anything less than an 8 and now that I am in the best shape of my life I wouldn't mind fucking a 5. Just because Chase's article made me realize that hooking up with a girl doesn't mean that you have to get in a relationship with her.

 

[Lawliet]

Logistics and hesitation for me.

My logistics suck, and when I finally get the chance (girl with good logistics), I fail to take the date and fuck up.

Shoot first, ask questions later
Lawliet