Am I a back up plan?

[Lithuanian]

Hey guys,

I'd be very thankful if you helped me analyse a bit this situation. It's not necessarily for seducing this girl, but for learning.

So I'm dating this doctor girl. We already went to 6 dates. The last one should've been ice breaker, because we kissed 3-4 times, sat with me embracing her, drank wine and it seemed she was quite happy. But the problem is, we meet quite rarely (every 2 or 3 weeks). At first I thought she's not that into me, I was even planning not to invite her anymore after 4 dates, but she wrote me something and I asked her if she wants to meet, she answered yes.

But yesterday, she cancelled the date just 2 hours before date. And it's not the first time. I suggested her to propose another date, and she said she's very busy next week (weekends are big no, because she stays with her parents and helps them with housework, which might be true, or not, because she stays quite glued to FB all weekend).

Now I brought my everything to daylight. I said, that if she doesn't want to meet me anymore, that's ok. She answered vaguely, but I repeated the question: do you ever want to meet me again? She answered that I'm not '100% her man', but she has great time with me. I emphasised, that I'm definetely not looking for new friends, I don't want friendzone. She said, that we're meeting quite rarely, that's maybe why there are more like friendly feelings. She said she will think about this and either we'll meet more often or she will say that we can only be friends.

At the she asked me, if I have other options. I said I do and will always do, if I want. I asked her the same question, and she answered that she had one date with this cute colluege of her.

Do you think it's my fundamentals that is a hindrance to me, or maybe i'm not her type? Should I write her after some time, or should I wait for her to write, if not, never write her again? I think that I'm maybe her back up plan, and she's artificially prolonging everything, to see if something happens with her colluege. If not, I will be in her orbit. If it's true, I don't want to be like this. What are your thoughts?

 

[Bboy100]

I don't know if its because you made mistakes or if its because she was never into you. But either way, as of right now, she's clearly trying to friendzone you. She's literally telling you about other guys she's seeing! There's no bigger sign of "friend zone" than that. So what you need to ask yourself is:
Could I be friends with her?
Would I value her as a friend?
Is it worth being friends with her?

If the answer to all of those questions is yes. Then proceed as such. Accept that you will only be friends with her, and that's the only role she will play in your life. Forfeit any romantic/sexual desires you may have had about her. If the answer to any of those questions are no, then cut her out of your life immediately.

 

[Lithuanian]

Thank you @Bboy100 for the answer. I'll take your advice and I will cut her from my life, because I'm not here for scraps!

And I will try to learn from this. Because I was really trying not to get in the friendzone. I kissed her on 3rd date (I know it's late, but she seemed quire conservative) and quite of forced the kiss - grabbed her head and pulled her face to mine. She giggled. I became more and more touchy, more kisses. The strange thing is she was always complying when we were on dates quite a lot. She went were I said, we ordered what I suggested and etc.

 

[Bboy100]

I kissed her on 3rd date (I know it's late, but she seemed quire conservative) and quite of forced the kiss

Yeah. I would guess that if anything, this was your mistake. Conservative or not, a girl who's sexually attracted to you will be fine with a kiss much sooner than that.

To be honest, I'm not a hardcore advocate of the GC mantra of "move faster". I don't think that's always the right play and I've lost plenty of girls by going too fast. But no matter how you toss the dice, three dates for just a kiss is far too long. The real reason you took so long to kiss her is cause you gave in to fear and uncertainty. Your worries about her being super conservative is just a rationalization of said fear. And that's totally fine. We've all done this at one point or another. Just make sure to learn from your mistake

 

[Lithuanian]

Again, thank you @Bboy100 for your advices! I'm really trying to learn from this. Yesterday I was on a date with the most beautiful girl I've ever been to a date (we met on online dating). For me she's a 10. She was very cute and down to earth and I made many witty remarks, tried to flirt and be warm, touchy and at the end of the date (it was first date) I just out of the blue kissed her. She said "hey, you can't do that".

My point is, I'm happy with my decision, even though I know I lost her (she didn't write me back today). I just don't know how I lost her - because I moved too fast or I was not her type. But I dared to experiment with the most beautiful girl I've met and don't have any regrets.

 

[PrettyDecent]

Lithuanian,

If you and a girl make out, you don't need to worry about being friend-zoned.

As Bboy noted, it's probably best that you had kissed her earlier, and good on you for doing it with your recent date!

Two things with doctor girl:
1. Did you try and escalate in addition to making out?
2. You became needy and scared her off

Before you're in a relationship with a girl, you cannot demand her time. You can only dangle the fruit and leave it up to her whether she'll go for it or if she doesn't want the fruit.

When she cancels a couple hours before, it's better to say "yeah, all good, we'll figure out when to rendezvous another time have fun tonight. x" and then text her a couple days later like, "Beth, how's that schedule looking? "

What you did here was give her an ultimatum. Ultimatums communicate that you're not in control of the situation AND you care more about the outcome than she does. So ultimatums rarely ever work.

A girl the other day kept scheduling our dates before she had to go to work, and I didn't feel like I could escalate to sex like that. So here's how it went down:

Her: Your nickname game is impressive [grinning emoticon] we could do Saturday before my shift again? That's easiest cause that's like the only time I'm in the city.. how does that work with you?

Me: Nickname game is so underrated [sunglasses emoticon] well, why don't we hang out sometime when we don't have to keep an eye on the time?

Her: Might have to wait till Thursday then.. flat out with work this week

Me: Alright, Thursday it is then. Maybe we can get you a strawberry daiquiri to help you forget about work as well ;P

Her: Might need more than a daiquiri after this week ;P we should do lunch I think

The pressure here is quite light. And there's humour involved to relieve the pressure and make the interaction fun again. And that's important in text messaging, because there's no social pressure for her to comply with you. She can just leave if she's not enjoying herself.

Anyway, sounds like you already learned your lesson to move faster, now just remember to always keep it easy and lure her in instead of making ultimatums.

Nick