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Expectations  Answering her relationship probing questions: "That's not who we are"

POB

Chieftan
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I still see guys having that basic problem:
- they seduce;
- they have sex;
- they like the girl (but not enough to make her main, at least not yet);
- they screw up their frame when pressed upon;

One of the key concepts of having long lasting healthy open-relationships is setting your frame right from the get go:
1) you are a seducer and a sexual man;
2) you won't sexually settle with just one girl for the rest of your life;
3) you don't care if she openly expresses her sexuality, as long as she does not disrespect you;

If you have those three things in place, and stick to your guns no matter what, 95% of your relationship problems are instantly gone with FBs and MLTRs. But sometimes women behave like....women. They will try to test the waters and see where you guys stand, even if they subconsciously know the answer.

If you are facing that kind of topic during intimacy, especially after you've been banging her for a while, the best way to handle it is being honest BUT caring at the same time. We usually think women are snowflakes who cannot take cold hard truths.

Well, lemme tell you guys: we are the snowflakes when it comes to relationships. They heal 100x faster than us if things go south, so being straightforward with them will not only gain their respect and admiration, but maybe earn a friend for life...even if they don't like what you are saying.

So questions like: "What are we exactly" or "Where this is going" are common after a while, and must be addressed with care. At first the best strategy is to diffuse and change the subject, but after a while she will probably press for a definitive answer. So now it's the time where YOU must make a decision:
- keep her as MLTR or
- make her your main

If it's the first, just say you really like her and enjoy the time you guys spend together, be nice and gentle and always on her side, but after she's at ease, you have to say the magic words: "If you are looking for a super traditional relationship, that's not who we are". No need to go beyond that, no need to explain rationally how an open-relationship works (she already knows this by your actions and behavior, or else she was not gonna stand around). Just acknowledge the fact and move on. If she has questions, answer them the best you can, but don't drag it along. Let it sink for some days and after a while, resume the relationship like nothing happened. If she's gone, she's gone (probably will get a weak boyfriend to calm her Disney and come back after a while when she gets bored with him).

If you want to make her your main because you love her, well, that's a bigger topic for another post.
Peace.

~POB
 
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Alpha13SC

Cro-Magnon Man
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Looking forward for the second post.
 

DoWhatWorks

Tribal Elder
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"If you are looking for a super traditional relationship, that's not who we are".

Solid post - thanks for sharing. Any reason you opt for “who we are” vs that’s not “who I am”?
 

Rakehell

Cro-Magnon Man
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.
Plus it proves that you are emotionally invested in her (meaning, "I know you don't like It babe but I'm still on your side")
this portion just gave my brain a boner
 
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Karea Ricardus D.

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the right date makes getting her back home a piece of cake

KJ Francis

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So that’s all it takes? I could have used it this week.

“It’s been four dates now. I think if we are hooking up we should be the only people we are hooking up with”.

Mind you, we have never been out on a “date” lol. And then soon after “Am I single?”
 

POB

Chieftan
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So that’s all it takes? I could have used it this week.
Of course not!
You gotta have a strong context for this to work.
(meaning a strong frame coupled with coherent actions)
Re-read the original post and you will get it.
“It’s been four dates now. I think if we are hooking up we should be the only people we are hooking up with”.
Who said this?
If it's her, means you already fucked-up your frame.
Mind you, we have never been out on a “date” lol. And then soon after “Am I single?”
Did you guys already have sex?
Also, how old is she?
 

KJ Francis

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@POB yeah we had first date sex where I went to pick her up but asked to use her bathroom and we never left her place. Then I went back straight to her place the next time.

She’s mid 30s and the quotes are hers.

I basically told her I’m not ready for that at this stage in my life and I may want kids in over a decade or so (would not have said this if she was younger but this puts the timing past her reproductive years), but until then I am used to uncommitted connections due to moving around. And that living like that gave me new perspectives from women’s eyes that have made me nonjudgemental about what women do.
 

POB

Chieftan
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She’s mid 30s and the quotes are hers.
Ohh, makes sense then
yeah we had first date sex where I went to pick her up but asked to use her bathroom and we never left her place. Then I went back straight to her place the next time.
Nice!
Did you sleep over?
Had breakfast together?
I basically told her I’m not ready for that at this stage in my life and I may want kids in over a decade or so (would not have said this if she was younger but this puts the timing past her reproductive years), but until then I am used to uncommitted connections due to moving around. And that living like that gave me new perspectives from women’s eyes that have made me nonjudgemental about what women do.
Yep, nice answer.
But my guess is you did some small BF stuff that gave her those ideas.
Usually 4 dates is too soon for this kind of behavior.
 
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KJ Francis

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@POB thanks!! No sleepovers or breakfast, just couch chat, fucking, cuddling the first two times (there’s a lay report). Third at a parking garage (thread in the relationship forum re: resistance), and fourth she cooked for me, then period fucked and had this talk.

She’s a little overweight and maybe has never encountered a guy who fucked her fast in an unexpected “just happened” situation, had him come back, really touch her after sex with oxytocin skin contact, and REALLY listen to her.

She said she really likes it about me that I’d fuck her in a parking garage. And she made a marriage joke when I was lightly circling her nipple with my fingertip.
 

KJ Francis

Cro-Magnon Man
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@POB ah man, so with a new girl do you just chat after sex with distance between you? Usually a girl will cuddle up to me herself. Do you cut it short and get out of there if that happens?

Here I was thinking she’d get buyer’s remorse otherwise. I was going for oxytocin to get a little pair bond for retention, especially since I’m not a total sex god yet.
 

POB

Chieftan
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@POB ah man, so with a new girl do you just chat after sex with distance between you?
More or less...distance is not the problem, see below.
Usually a girl will cuddle up to me herself. Do you cut it short and get out of there if that happens?
After you bust your nut, just get up and go to the bathroom.
Then come back and sit at the bed's headboard, or on a chair close to the bed.
Now you can resume the pillow talk.
(Sitting naturally avoids cuddling, she'll probably sit next to you like an intimate friend).
Here I was thinking she’d get buyer’s remorse otherwise. I was going for oxytocin to get a little pair bond for retention, especially since I’m not a total sex god yet.
Caring moves = expectations.
If you don't plan to make her more than a FB, you don't give her any pair bonding signal.
First time:
- no cuddling
- no sleep overs
- no breakfast in the morning
After you've fucked her twice:
- no going out
- no dates
- no family
- no friends
- no watching movies together
- no making plans or discussing the future
- no traveling together
 

KJ Francis

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@POB haha fuck that sounds ruthless. I need to snap out of it. I can't imagine getting up and coming back to sit on a chair beside the bed haha.

I guess cause I still suck at this, I'm not fucking hotties who have access to quality sex. I'm getting practice in on women who revel in the attention and being touched. So I am like caressing and kissing neck, chest, etc. I am trying to balance this with good poundings.

So how long does a pure fuck buddy typically last for you?
 

Gladiator

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More or less...distance is not the problem, see below.

After you bust your nut, just get up and go to the bathroom.
Then come back and sit at the bed's headboard, or on a chair close to the bed.
Now you can resume the pillow talk.
(Sitting naturally avoids cuddling, she'll probably sit next to you like an intimate friend).

Caring moves = expectations.
If you don't plan to make her more than a FB, you don't give her any pair bonding signal.
First time:
- no cuddling
- no sleep overs
- no breakfast in the morning
After you've fucked her twice:
- no going out
- no dates
- no family
- no friends
- no watching movies together
- no making plans or discussing the future
- no traveling together
Wow! I already broke two rules. Sleep over and we went out to a bar. We've had sex around 4 different times and I've made our relationship very clear and she's completely ok with that, which she verbalized.

In fact, we had an argument when I refused to pick her up from her place and asked her to come over to mine and we go from here. In her words: "You don't have to worry that I'll think something else if you pick me up. All I ask is, don't disrespect me. I only asked you to pick me up cos it's very cold and we're going by car anyways", which I thought was fair. I still didn't pick her up in the end since there was too much traffic and she came over to mine and we went from here. She asked me, "how many girls are you seeing beside me?".. I said "1246.. no 1245".. she laughed and left it at that and asked me "can I see other guys?". I said "of course not..." Spanking her jokingly but from what she knows about me so far, I think she thinks I won't like if she sees other guys cos she mentioned about some other guy and immediately said sorry.

I'm not bothered either ways but would be great if it's one-sided since I agree from one of Chase's post that she has no reason to look for variety but for me it's more about sharing which I don't like, if I'm giving everything she wants from others. Anyway, I added more details to provide context about the dynamics of the relationship and if you have advice on anything but my main question is:

does breaking rules still going to be a problem if both know what's going on?
 
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POB

Chieftan
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Wow! I already broke two rules. Sleep over and we went out to a bar. We've had sex around 4 different times and I've made our relationship very clear and she's completely ok with that, which she verbalized.
I never verbalize my relationship with FBs.
They know what's up by my actions alone.
In fact, we had an argument when I refused to pick her up from her place and asked her to come over to mine and we go from here. In her words: "You don't have to worry that I'll think something else if you pick me up. All I ask is, don't disrespect me. I only asked you to pick me up cos it's very cold and we're going by car anyways", which I thought was fair.
No, it is not fair.
You gave her bonding signals, now she is behaving like someone who's expecting more out of it.
I still didn't pick her up in the end since there was too much traffic and she came over to mine and we went from here. She asked me, "how many girls are you seeing beside me?".. I said "1246.. no 1245".. she laughed and left it at that and asked me "can I see other guys?".
I never ever had any of that with any of my FBs.
I said "of course not..." Spanking her jokingly but from what she knows about me so far, I think she thinks I won't like if she sees other guys cos she mentioned about some other guy and immediately said sorry.
Because she likes you and is expecting you to commit
I'm not bothered either ways but would be great if it's one-sided since I agree from one of Chase's post that she has no reason to look for variety but for me it's more about sharing which I don't like, if I'm giving everything she wants from others. Anyway, I added more details to provide context about the dynamics of the relationship and if you have advice on anything but my main question is:

does breaking rules still going to be a problem if both know what's going on?
Yes, it still is.
She already has feelings for you and is expecting more out of this relationship.
After all, you gave her pair bonding signals
As always, forget what they say and pay attention to their actions and behaviors
 

Gladiator

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Thanks @POB
I never verbalize my relationship with FBs.
They know what's up by my actions alone.
I haven't verbalized but I thought showing her that she's not the only one I'm fucking was enough. She verbalized saying: I'm ok to share you with others.
No, it is not fair.
You gave her bonding signals, now she is behaving like someone who's expecting more out of it.

I never ever had any of that with any of my FBs.

Because she likes you and is expecting you to commit

Yes, it still is.
She already has feelings for you and is expecting more out of this relationship.
After all, you gave her pair bonding signals
As always, forget what they say and pay attention to their actions and behaviors
Damn! Before I joined this forum, I used to struggle to retain since I was with a red-pill mindset (glad I'm out of it). This forum advocates to treat women better which I like and totally aligns with my style of seduction - teasing, banter, being friendly etc. So, I broke some of the rules from above.

Anyway, I agree that although she knows the dynamics, it's going to make it hard to not develop feelings. So,
1. How can I damage control from this point onwards?
2. What are the rules for ONS? (I'm texting another chic and just want her as ONS)
3. How to retain in general?

I really don't want to give false expectations and mislead but I also don't want to treat harshly. For ex, if it's very cold and late at night which is the case most of the times we've met, its hard to ask her to leave. She keeps asking me to do things outside and after she asked a lot of times, I finally gave in and we went to a live jazz bar. Before I had sex, all the things that I did were the very reason she was attracted to me, we danced (she likes that), I teased a lot, banter over text etc. Sex is good but stopping all of that suddenly will make me come across as incongruent.
 
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