Expectations Answering her relationship probing questions: "That's not who we are"

[TomInHo]

Thanks @POB

I haven't verbalized but I thought showing her that she's not the only one I'm fucking was enough. She verbalized saying: I'm ok to share you with others.

Damn! Before I joined this forum, I used to struggle to retain since I was with a red-pill mindset (glad I'm out of it). This forum advocates to treat women better which I like and totally aligns with my style of seduction - teasing, banter, being friendly etc. So, I broke some of the rules from above.

Anyway, I agree that although she knows the dynamics, it's going to make it hard to not develop feelings. So,
1. How can I damage control from this point onwards?
2. What are the rules for ONS? (I'm texting another chic and just want her as ONS)
3. How to retain in general?

I really don't want to give false expectations and mislead but I also don't want to treat harshly. For ex, if it's very cold and late at night which is the case most of the times we've met, it’s hard to ask her to leave. She keeps asking me to do things outside and after she asked a lot of times, I finally gave in and we went to a live jazz bar. Before I had sex, all the things that I did were the very reason she was attracted to me, we danced (she likes that), I teased a lot, banter over text etc. Sex is good but stopping all of that suddenly will make me come across as incongruent.

Hard to go backwards now because it will cause drama. Just have to treat her like a prospect for Open GF now…

You can have multiple girls that are in “relationships” with you but need to understand that at that point they’re like a middle ground between FB and GF and they will expect you to invest more

Next time move things a little slower if you don’t want the girls pushing you hard for commitment

 

[Gladiator]

Next time move things a little slower if you don’t want the girls pushing you hard for commitment

What about ONS? How do I make it clear that it was just a ONS? Specially if I've talked about connection etc

 

[TomInHo]

What about ONS? How do I make it clear that it was just a ONS? Specially if I've talked about connection etc

Overthinking...

Just because you have a connection doesn’t mean you both need to be serious. Also what if you have sex then find out she’s dope and you want to keep seeing her?

Best to take it moment by moment, go with flow and cool with whatever happens

As long as you don’t promise marriage, kids and a white picket fence most women are aware that sleeping with a man has the risk of never seeing him again. There’s no need to verbalize everything

 

[Chase]

What about ONS? How do I make it clear that it was just a ONS? Specially if I've talked about connection etc

"It's amazing that two people can come together and have a connection like this, even if it's just for one night."

^ best said as you're lying there post-sex, not prior to

 

[POB]

Thanks @POB

I haven't verbalized but I thought showing her that she's not the only one I'm fucking was enough. She verbalized saying: I'm ok to share you with others.

Nooo
Women will never admit this, but they will agree to you having sex on the side as long as they get what they want from you.
It's very possible for her to accept it and still want to commit to you.

Anyway, I agree that although she knows the dynamics, it's going to make it hard to not develop feelings. So,
1. How can I damage control from this point onwards?

Check @TomInHo answer.
He is spot on.

2. What are the rules for ONS? (I'm texting another chic and just want her as ONS)

None.
Just don't make promises you can't keep.

3. How to retain in general?

Be available emotionally....but not too much.

I really don't want to give false expectations and mislead but I also don't want to treat harshly. For ex, if it's very cold and late at night which is the case most of the times we've met, its hard to ask her to leave.

Yeah, sometimes it's hard for them to not sleep over.
Not much you can do here, except plan ahead and don't make arrangements for late at night if possible.

She keeps asking me to do things outside and after she asked a lot of times, I finally gave in and we went to a live jazz bar.

She is clearly pushing you to commit to her.
She wants more from you because you gave her hints it was possible.

Before I had sex, all the things that I did were the very reason she was attracted to me, we danced (she likes that), I teased a lot, banter over text etc. Sex is good but stopping all of that suddenly will make me come across as incongruent.

No need to stop.
Just slowly adjust her expectations with your behavior.
And be prepared for her to leave.

I too had a hard time with this concept.
I thought I was being too cold with them.
But once the first chick came to me and said it was ok if we could stay like FBs, because she was really enjoying it, I never looked back.

 

[Gladiator]

3) you don't care if she openly expresses her sexuality, as long as she does not disrespect you

@POB do you mind elaborating this with some examples?

 

[POB]

@POB do you mind elaborating this with some examples?

Not at all:
- she says she finds X random guy super attractive;
- she drools over some famous dude;
- she talks about her fantasies (namely fucking 2 guys at the same time, this is a classic);
- she discreetly looks at a handsome dude;
- she express interest in swinging;
- she goes out to dinner with her single friends and they flirt with random dudes;

What I consider disrespect:
- she gives another guy more attention when I am with her;
- she drools over random dude with me by her side;
- she hints being interested in someone of our social circle;
- she goes out to party with a bunch of her single friends;
- she talks about intimate sexual stuff when we are with friends or family;

 

[Gladiator]

- she goes out to party with a bunch of her single friends;

This is a bit hard to control I guess. How do you communicate this or just things like these? Since she basically doesn't owe you an explanation.

Also, how do you know it in the first place if she does things like these behind your back?

 

[POB]

This is a bit hard to control I guess.
How do you communicate this or just things like these? Since she basically doesn't owe you an explanation.

Also, how do you know it in the first place if she does things like these behind your back?

It all circles back to your frame, and for how long you guys been together.
If she does those things behind my back, she'll indirectly show it (it's not that hard to pick it up).
Which means she'll never be more than a FB or low-level MLTR.

 

[Gladiator]

It all circles back to your frame, and for how long you guys been together.
If she does those things behind my back, she'll indirectly show it (it's not that hard to pick it up).
Which means she'll never be more than a FB or low-level MLTR.

Thanks @POB .. this post has a wealth of info. You should consider writing an elaborate post on this topic.. To be stickied

 

[POB]

Thanks @POB .. this post has a wealth of info. You should consider writing an elaborate post on this topic.. To be stickied

Thx for the kind words man!
I'll think about it (it's difficult to put together the right train of thought to write those longer posts)

But all this stuff I felt though the skin when I screwed up on my past relationships.
Kinda like been there, done that type of thing.

Luckily, with this knowledge, my last relationship was the best one of my life, by far!
But it's not easy to keep your frame when you have deep feelings for a girl.
Not talking about infatuation, but real love feelings (that thing that blossoms only after pair-bonding for a long time).
That's when your frame and core beliefs will be truly tested.

 

[Conquistador]

This is a bit hard to control I guess. How do you communicate this or just things like these? Since she basically doesn't owe you an explanation.

If those are really non-negotiable terms, you can just tell her and she can take it or leave it.

 

[Gladiator]

But it's not easy to keep your frame when you have deep feelings for a girl.
Not talking about infatuation, but real love feelings (that thing that blossoms only after pair-bonding for a long time).
That's when your frame and core beliefs will be truly tested.

100% True.. I want you to include this as well in your post haha.. one of the reasons I'm on this journey is, I want to be empathetic but at the same time go cold-hearted, if need be..

 

[Gladiator]

If those are really non-negotiable terms, you can just tell her and she can take it or leave it.

I prefer to do it verbally too, which I've done heaps in the past but I've realized over time that "actions speak louder", specially when it comes across as controlling, they don't like it.

I want her to consciously not do it and saying it in words seldom work imo. Just responding with a "hmm" with a bored/unamused look is enough, believe me chics pickup this a lot easily. She might agree but end up cheating. I liked what @POB suggested. I'll give her my best, if she behaves her best but if she doesn't comply, I'll reduce the standard of service, so to speak.

 

[KJ Francis]

@POB So I just met this woman tonight. Would you critique this move? After sex, I said can I use your shower to rinse off real quick like 20 seconds. She said of course, towel, whatever (it was a sweaty session)... I came back, sat on the bed and tease-kissed her there, ran my hand over her, etc., but while sitting.

She had came a few times so was touchy. It was like 9:30pm so I said I had to go eat dinner. Then it was basically her grabbing at my clothes as I got dressed etc., making out going to the door. Still happy despite zero talking, time together, or cuddling.

First off I don't like asking to shower but think it could be risky to as a default just tell women you are going to use their shower, almost like opening their fridge. But anyways, I had met this woman online literally today and went straight to her place. So with someone I went on a date with, let alone knew something about, maybe I'd be a little less cold instead of leave within a few minutes.

But overall... ditch her immediately after cumming to go shower for a few minutes... assume there was a date and much better connection...thoughts?

 

[Bismarck]

Lol I read this thread and a light went on…

Met a girl last Fri, and the date lasted like 2 or 3 hours (9-12 or so). We fucked twice and there was plenty of cuddling and comfort fluff talk in between.

I referred to the drinks we had as a “date” after cumming the first time, and in retrospect this might have influenced her not needing me to rubber up for the second take.

I called her an uber and walked her out to get it, and texted her in the morning as per Skills’ procedure.

The second “date” was a walk in the park near her place, then a drink there, then walking back home, having tea, and smash. Again two takes, again plenty of cuddling.

First date was from 8.50 p.m. to 1.30 a.m., second from 7.15 p.m. to 11 p.m.

At one point during smash I was explaining to her why I didn’t want to get a tattoo, saying that my interest in things wanes after a short while, and she replied “Is it the same with girls?” to which I replied “not necessarily” then she said “I’m referring to myself here” or something.

Am I giving this girl mixed signals?

 

[POB]

But overall... ditch her immediately after cumming to go shower for a few minutes... assume there was a date and much better connection...thoughts?

Doesn't matter.
What counts is how you behave AFTER you leave.
Did you ping her the morning after?
Where you nice to her when texting?
Did you show interest in meeting again?
I'm assuming you want her as FB, not ONS.

 

[POB]

At one point during smash I was explaining to her why I didn’t want to get a tattoo, saying that my interest in things wanes after a short while, and she replied “Is it the same with girls?” to which I replied “not necessarily” then she said “I’m referring to myself here” or something.

I would avoid that type of convo before lock-in.
It's kinda of inviting her to probe for answers.

Am I giving this girl mixed signals?

Maybe, but too early to know.

 

[KJ Francis]

Doesn't matter.
What counts is how you behave AFTER you leave.
Did you ping her the morning after?
Where you nice to her when texting?
Did you show interest in meeting again?
I'm assuming you want her as FB, not ONS.

Yeah I texted a few hours later same night that I had a good time and to have a good sleep. I didn't sexualize, thinking there was a chance of her feeling used, ASD, buyer's remorse, etc. She texted back "have a good sleep yourself sexy" and pinged me three days later but I'm out of town.

So she is ok lol

But it was a straight up hookup clear from the start. Not sure how it would play with a girl you had actually had to seduce though date conversation though. Cause then you are basically pumping and dumping, bust a nut and RUN lol. Maybe I will try the straight to shower and longer time talking and coming back to sit on edge of bed with a girl I built more of a connection with. Real empiricists test, I suppose!

Anyways, I am sort of derailing your thread, but thanks man. It is hard to remember not to be so cuddly when you are starting out. I think it is a bit of Madonna-whore remnant... I have to remember - fuck her, don't make love to her.