Hey.
Iām here to share my two cents on this as someone whoās working on his attachment style.
Iām not an expert, Iām just detailing the stuff I did/am doing/will do and my view on this subject as itās very important to me.
Most of these are my thoughts and reactions, though Iām sure more than a few people can relate.
Iām not talking about this from a seduction viewpoint on how to treat girls with different attachment styles, rather Iām talking about this from hopefully helping seducers fix their own attachment styles. I truly do believe itās immensely difficult to love women without a secure attachment style. Some people want to get laid thatās cool. But for those who want to love women, this is somewhat a prerequisite.
I have different sorts of attachment styles to different people and have truly securely attached to someone for the first time in my life recently. Around 33% securely attached but yeah, thatās probably more than Iāve ever been with someone. Also, most people are a combination of different styles depending on the situation.
So to Karea, I thought Iād share how it feels to actually go through this. It boils down to what my subconscious mind interprets the the other personās intentions to be. My attachment style with a person fluctuates based on how much I believe I can trust them to meet my emotional needs.
Most insecurely attached people suffer from trauma. Therefore generally they are emotionally dysfunctional(maybe not avoidants?) They cannot regulate their emotions.
Trauma isnāt a big life changing event, sometimes itās the continuous small things that impacted you as a kid unfortunately.
In that moment, when push comes to shove, trauma rears its head and you may find it hard to regulate your thoughts or reactions. How you behave in that moment is very hard to control as itās instinct youāre acting on. Different people have different triggers.
Also, Iām giving advice that Iāve constructed for myself, in order to deal with these. For others, I recommend a professionals help. So far Iāve used a podcast as well as modeling the behaviors of a securely attached person with a safe person to help me.
A)) Avoidant
My thoughts:
If Iām avoidantly attached with someone Iām confident that there is something wrong with them and that I can find a way to provide for myself the resources I need for myself.
My actions:
I am distant, and unavailable because Iām scared of opening up emotionally and being taken advantage of. This is because opening up is a signal for people who are entitled to feel pushy and drain me or conversely ignore me. Either way it hurts.
Solution:
1) Learn to open up emotionally while learning to maintain boundaries.
2)Consciously make an effort to trust that whenever the other person hurts you itās not always on purpose.(Negativity bias)
3) It is safe to share.
4)Practice non-disassociative touch
5) Share genuine emotions in the moment, While sharing emotions, donāt make it an experiment like Iām going to share my emotions, if they donāt respond well thatās okay Iāve got myself. Instead open myself to the possibility of getting hurt. If they do hurt me dump their ass and find someone else and try again. Donāt take it personally. Accept the pain for once.
Explaination: An avoidant has incredibly strong boundaries that can cause them to feel weak if they emotionally open up. And if a trusted person hurts them it increases the mistrust towards others. Confirmation+ Negativity bias(this is for all insecurely attached people regardless).
B))
Anxious attachment
My thoughts:
When Iām anxiously preoccupied, my brain thinks Iām not good enough, theyāre better than me. They will leave me.
My actions: Neediness
Solution:
1)Learn independence through periodic isolation.
2)Stop dating for a while.
3)Cut off ties with parents for a while and donāt seek their approval or opinions(IMP)
4)Learn to accept that becoming independent doesnāt mean that youāll be loved less.
5) Start dating again and also come to view yourself as an equal to your partner, by seeking your own approval at times.
6)Trust that your partner likes you and select a partner who regularly returns your bid for connection.
7) Gain abundance. If someone in your family is getting an extra piece of chicken for dinner, donāt feel unloved and jealous and angry. Thereās so much fucking chicken in the world. Go buy yourself some nice KFC after dinner using your allowance. Or safe enough money to buy some. You need to learn to care for yourself. Then youāll eventually reach a point where you can think clearly and realize that a piece of chicken does not equal love.
Iād also suggest getting girlās numbers and throwing them away. Seriously.
8) Stop comparing yourself to others and dwell in reality.
If you feel like comparing your life path with others, I suggest pondering what you desire from life. If youāre jealous or another person, realize their end goal is very different from yours. More often than not, youāll realize that even though you want what they have, itās not important enough to take you off your path. When you consciously make this decision, the pain reduces. You realize you have a choice and realize the power of agency. If you want to pursue a different path, thatās also up to you.
9) Body comparison. Iād suggest a good way would be to wear the tightest clothes you can even if youāre fat. Also, wear mismatched, unfashionable, bad clothing for a few months. See how many of them still treat you like a normal human being. Talk to others while youāre at it. At the same time, build the habit of physical exercise. Eat healthy, get a skincare routine. Focus on maximizing the parts of looks that are healthy for you, i.e, your fitness and skin while ignoring fashion, which is generally for showing off to other people.
Once youāre comfortable with everyoneās eye on you, come back to fashion when you choose to do so and take it slow.
10) Stop trying to be perfect. Accept your mistakes and donāt criticize yourself.
Reasoning:
The primal fear of an anxious is that self sufficiency will lead to being abandoned. Thatās why anxiously attached people are clingy.
Generally this happened because the only time a personās needs were met is when they had a problem. When they were doing okay, they werenāt given much emotional warmth.
Therefore, they subconsciously enact the process of needing someoneās approval, i.e, they are not truly self sufficient. By doing this, they never truly grow up and their partners are the automatic authority figures in the relationship.
C))
Disorganized.(fearful-avoidant).
My thoughts: Iām contacting you because I want you. But I feel Iām not good enough. I donāt trust you not to hurt me either.
Actions:I play games. Also I hide my emotions. Iām scared. I put up walls and am very distant. I may or may not have good boundaries. I want you but I do my best to push you away.
Overview:
Characteristics of both avoidant and anxious. Itās a bitch.
It acts out in different ways but imagine this.
Like an anxious person youāre constantly clingy. But like an avoidant you never tell your true feelings.
The overarching theme of this is fear. For a fearful avoidant, the responses they give are tied into the fight, flight, freeze or fawn system. Very regularly disassociate from their bodies.
Solution:
All the insecure attachment styles are caused by trauma, not large but smaller continuous incidents that donāt land so well on the child.
In my opinion,
1)Take a break from dating.
2) Pick up martial arts(maybe)
3)Go to a therapist and work on your flight, fight, freeze, fawn system while contemplating your triggers.
4) Take your therapists help to face your triggers while not disassociating from the body so that your somatic approach eventually changes.
5) As you have both avoidant and anxious tendencies, figure out which qualities you have of either one and do the specific things that needs to be done to overcome them.
6) Try not to be perfect.
I had/have all of these attachment styles in me and Iāll say one thing. You donāt know it but youāre operating out of a system that kept you safe as a child. Show compassion for yourself while healing, and donāt give up while youāre trying.
In context of dating.
Securely attached and avoidants have high self worth.
Itās good for them to date.
For anxious and disorganized who generally donāt have a good opinion about themselves, they canāt help but seek approval. Dating may not be the best thing until they either commit to start building their own self worth (which I just posted about today in my own personal thread).
Also, for insecurely attached people, my sincere advice after reading this site. You can technically use these tactics as a crutch without ever improving your mental health. So while you do know how to overcome certain situations, your emotions are a mess and if you ever forget a tactic youāre fucked. Work on emotional vulnerability first. When you can begin to use these tactics not out of a fear of losing another person, but because they make the relationship strong, or because of some healthy reason, then come back to using them. Until then emotional resilience is something you should maybe learn.
But donāt focus on eliciting values and showing only that part of yourself to your date which appeals to them, and then slowly reveal the rest of yourself to them over time. It may not work for you. Rather, moderate the depth of what you share, but share every part of you with genuine intentions in mind. Not to get pity or sympathy or even to push someone away. But to connect. Itāll heal you. Technically avoidants may be fine without this advice. But this entire post is just my opinion.
And extra advice for avoidants. Stop paying attention to how much you invest in another person for a while. Investment is a big thing and itās true that being over invested is bad, but for me the most helpful thing was when I stopped paying attention to being overly rigid on investing. For the other two, the opposite advice.
Also hookups may not be for the insecurely attached. Date a lot of people. But generally not for the experience of getting laid, but for the experience to reveal your full self to a potential partner, get rejected a lot, yet still trust again. Do this with friends too.
Perhaps focus on the niches youāre already good at and find a home base. Connect with people there and work on your attachment style.
Then, ponder whether your ideal partner has a lifestyle you like.
If they do, adopt a few hobbies and slowly develop that side to you to reasonable proficiency. Only when you feel totally comfortable about your āin-nessā in that lifestyle should you focus on dating those people in that lifestyle.
The reason why therapy works is in part because thereās a āteacherā, but also because youāre experiencing what a secure attachment feels like, so that you can hopefully model a lot of the behaviors you will display with your therapist (the good ones as well as the tolerable bad) later on with people.
Feelings play a big role. Too big to cover here, but all insecure attachment styles have a way of protecting the self from excessive feelings as the person is not fully capable of regulating emotions. Different people have different ways. Those defenses need to be analyzed and slowly let go of(not fully because theyāre there for a reason) but enough to learn how to regulate emotions healthily.
Finally, become someone who another person can securely attach to.
Iām attaching a small pdf document that shows the behaviors of someone whoās securely attached.
I donāt know if itāll be taken down or not, but hopefully not.
Also the YouTube channel:
Forrest Hanson, Being Well Podcast.
Hope this helps people.
Have a great week.
Warmly,
SunnyVibes
