Attachment styles... are they really a thing?

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I'm pretty confident attachment styles are legitimate. The science on it is good

Ah, "trust the science!" I'm struggling a bit with that concept since about March 15th, 2020.

The way I have experienced attachment styles intersecting with being in the one-down position in a relationship is that the attachment style basically serves to modulate the effect:

• Avoidants get very uncomfortable as the one-down and slip into this schizophrenic state of alternately chasing then withdrawing (because they hate that feeling of being chasey / needy)
  
  
• Secure individuals will chase some but tend to have healthier means to try to move it closer to a more balanced relationship dynamic
  
  
• Disorganized types respond to being the one down by throwing a bunch of fits and tantrums, then if you start to withdraw they either give ultimatums or have a breakdown

Anxious I don't have much experience with so can't speak to that one.

Interesting... I'll put that in my databanks for future observation and analysis.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

Hey Karea, so this book which has become very mainstream called "attached", has chapters about secure avoidant anxious and I believe at the end of the chapter there are assesments of people, outside a relationship and it is used to gauge wether a persion is one of those attachement styles. This on itself shows that without passion trap attachement styles are a real thing. Passion trap is more I believe about the dynamic between two people and attachement styles we can view individually

I see. I'll check that out before commenting further, thanks for the resource!

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

yeah sure - I don’t think I’ve ever framed things that way, meaning i invite girls along to most activities I do, all the time. I’m a sociable motherfucker. But it will help me next time around to pay extra attention to really emphasize framing things as ‘ you can come along ‘ instead of ‘ how about we do this ‘ kind of way.

Powerful answer from your part tho, thanks man !

I don't know man, a girl giving a response like "he's trying to rope me down" after 6 months for me just spells one-up, not avoidant.

Why? Because for sure with another guy she'll go for it. Has her attachment style changed? No, but the guy has changed, and the relationship dynamic.

But yeah I'm keeping an open mind... I'll check out that book.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I see. I'll check that out before commenting further, thanks for the resource!

Alright, so I finally read the book "Attached" yesterday, or at least most of it... I took all the tests too, including the partner test for my last GF.

I can see the case they're making now, because they say that most other relationship books were written based on couples in therapy, i.e. dysfunctional couples. Whereas "Attached" is based on a range of all kinds of couples, including healthy ones.

I always thought passion traps are built into human nature, that all couples have a slight imbalance, and that this is evolution's way of figuring out whether the man will be the lover (one up) or the provider (one down).

I'm now wondering, is it possible that secure attachment style people do not experience passion traps? And if so, are insecure attachment styles the real CAUSE for passion traps?

Thesis:

• If your attachment style is not secure and you get attached to a girl whose overall attachment style is more avoidant than yours, you will be one down.
• If your attachment style is not secure and If you get attached to a girl whose overall attachment style is more anxious than yours, you will be one up.

If this is true, I definitely have attachment style issues. What are your best suggestions for repairing attachment styles? I heard therapy with a coach who has a secure attachment style works, as well as "inner child" work on early abandonment traumas and such.

 

[topcat]

If this is true, I definitely have attachment style issues. What are your best suggestions for repairing attachment styles? I heard therapy with a coach who has a secure attachment style works, as well as "inner child" work on early abandonment traumas and such.

Mate when you find out lemme know ..

I always thought passion traps are built into human nature, that all couples have a slight imbalance, and that this is evolution's way of figuring out whether the man will be the lover (one up) or the provider (one down).

I'm now wondering, is it possible that secure attachment style people do not experience passion traps? And if so, are insecure attachment styles the real CAUSE for passion traps?

You may very well be onto something with this.

As seducers, the observations we make in the wild, and the subsequent theories we build atop them are skewed, by the very fact that to be a seducer we often have maladaptive attachment styles.

I’m extremely avoidant and have never been the one down in my relationships. As a younger guy i would pride myself on this (and still do..) but i’m starting to realize that it hurts closeness in the longer term relationships i have. It bruises too many egos, causes too much iciness and autorejection in the girls i’m with. It filters out all but the most resilient and avoidant themselves, but eventually wears them out too.

Not sure what to do about it tbh. The moment a relationship gets stable i start to get bored and pull back. The same when i feel a girl falling too deeply for me, i feel disgust. Find any possible flaw in her as an excuse to get away. But at the same time I strive to have her so wrapped up in me, she can’t think of anybody else..

Even though i’m not necessarily looking for something long term, I don’t like the idea that it’s an option beyond my reach. Breaking down the walls of dismissive avoidance though, seems to be a mammoth task that a big part of me feels would be utterly foolish, like removing my own skin or exposing my credit card number on the net (extreme, i know, but it’s how it feels when i think about it).

In short, the mode of being a seducer, is indicative of an unhealthy attachment style likely avoidant or disorganized to some degree.

Secure individuals don’t seek to have a large number of partners, or hop from partner to partner. Seek to control, nor be controlled.

 

[Chad Tyrone]

this is true, I definitely have attachment style issues. What are your best suggestions for repairing attachment styles? I heard therapy with a coach who has a secure attachment style works, as well as "inner child" work on early abandonment traumas and such.

Yeah they can be fixed .Maybe the last section of this would be helpful.

 

[nolimits]

not sure I’m answering the question directly but personally I think that avoidants are the best ones at having girl begging them for a relationship after 4-6 months of fwb instead of having girls leaving.

The main reason for this being them not being bothered by the possibility that a chick samples other cocks.

So in that, avoidants really have an advantage.

@karea i think if you’re disorganized/ anxious a great workout for you can be desensitization.

Basically going out with chicks who are more avoidant than you, and are basically party girls ( fun but unfaithful and with a tendency to lie ). What this does is it trains you - pretty fucking quick (lol) that being too intense with a girl, being it in terms of vibe or in terms of communication usually backfires.

it also trains you to be less serious about a relationship and more focused on other girls

Of course this desisensitization phase needs to be approached with an experiment mindset and it’s supposed to be temporary.

it’s meant to TRAIN you at relationships ( huge sticking point for me this year ).

Converting girls you see into gf is a skill. Having those girlfriends be faithful to you is a skill.

You ll never turn party girls into faithful moms of course, no matter how much you avoid and abuse them but you will see more about human nature with this excerise


And this will improve you on a fundamental level to be detached.

 

[Will_V]

Interesting thread, I've been reading the book 'The body keeps the score' and it goes into a fair bit of detail about early life experiences and the long term effect on relationships.

I know that I've improved my own attachment style over time (with a lot of hard work), and I have a fairly good idea of what might have affected it when I was younger.

The best things for improving it in my experience are 1) a strong ethical framework, 2) honesty and 3) patience and self control.

Having a strong ethical (not necessarily moral) framework aka a very solid internal frame is by far the most important thing, because it serves as a substitute for the judgemental aspect of the other's love. In both anxious and avoidant the primary issue of concern for the psyche is the love of another person, in the first case clinging to it and in the second running from it, in both cases because its effect is overwhelming. When you develop a strong set of principles to guide your actions, principles that you repeatedly use to benefit yourself and the people around you, you keep your conscious mind - your awareness - tightly linked to your self-esteem, and your emotions under much better control. It is akin to the principle of meditation, but constructed as a permanent support. It describes both what one must do, and what one cannot accept.

Honesty is absolutely necessary because it allows another person to get close to you - and principally it allows you to get close to yourself, which is even more important. I decided a very long time ago to not keep secrets from myself no matter what I found inside my own mind. But this also means you can't punish yourself egoistically (or superegoistically as the case may be) or reality will quickly become buried again. You have to be in the habit of suffering the clarity of truth in peace, so to speak, and accept it willingly as the only path toward a better future.

And when you are completely honest with yourself, and especially when you have a strong sense of self from your ethical framework, it's not very hard to learn how and when to open up to someone you're in a relationship with. In fact, after having an LTR with a girl who had a very low capacity to open up when upset, it has become something I consider a duty for both of us, and if a woman can't or doesn't quickly learn how to do it I will consider her pretty unfit for the long haul. Because without it there is no path to resolution, and the only thing the other person can engage with is emotions, which do not carry any logic. Both parties have to have enough self esteem to be able to clearly put out there what they don't like even if the other person doesn't immediately validate it, and during arguments and rough patches validation of feelings always comes after a delay, if at all.

And finally patience and self-control is necessary for any kind of leadership, whether it is leading yourself out of misery, or leading others out of misery or toward where they need to go. It is the only way to avoid fighting yourself and fighting others, because at the root of psychological chaos are always the emotions. You must be the thing that cannot lose control no matter what happens, that absorbs your own emotions and the emotions of others without retribution. Because emotions always subside, if only out of exhaustion, and after that there is only the stark knowledge of how one was treated in the interim. A good leader is loved after the fact, not simply because of what he did, but what he didn't do.

 

[topcat]

The best things for improving it in my experience are 1) a strong ethical framework, 2) honesty and 3) patience and self control.

Interesting and well thought out analysis overall Will and i could see that working for maybe an anxious or disorganized personality, but for an avoidant?

It’s far too easy to use those tenets to justify avoidant behaviours as ethically sound.

For example:

a strong ethical framework -

“it is better not to have attachments than to maintain them. To be attached is to be deluded for in this life nothing is certain, all things end and being comfortable with this and effectively navigating this reality is the soundest way to live. I encourage autonomy and self sufficiency in myself and those i love (especially them ) as being comfortable in your own skin and being able to thrive by your own hands is necessary to thrive in this life. Encouraging another to be independent realize their own power and strength is the greatest gift one might offer somebody” - proceeds to detach from the impending attachment and recede into personal projects and busywork

Honesty, patience and self-control aren’t typically things an avoidant would have problems with (or at least are wickedly able to convince themselves that this is the case) as they are more than willing to bare the brunt of these if it results in freedom, or indeed is the consequence for freedom.

 

[topcat]

edit feature is bugging out, so to add..

Avoidants hold independence and self sufficiency above all else, so in order to get one to accept and value an attachment you would have to convince them that suck attachments would be the way to greater freedom and self sufficiency. A very tall order and likely a futile one at that

I unno, sutm to think about.

 

[Vision]

Attachment styles are a good model.

Psychology, as you know, in general, isn't looked at as a science because there's too much subjectivity to it.

And everything is based on models, not facts.

I think attachment styles are a good model to look at things from... how do I respond to conflict or things not going well?

Do I pull back into my own shell (avoidant) or do I start freaking out that someone is going to leave me (anxious) or do I have a healthy way of dealing with it (secure).

And is this serving me? If it is, great... if not, what can I do differently?

And what is the person I'm dating like? Is this going to lead to the kind of situation I want? If not, probably best to move on.

Outside of that, I don't think there's a ton of value because you can get in the weeds with this stuff and I don't see a lot of value to that.

There might be value to getting to a secure attachment, if that's something you want in the future.

 

[Will_V]

Interesting and well thought out analysis overall Will and i could see that working for maybe an anxious or disorganized personality, but for an avoidant?

It’s far too easy to use those tenets to justify avoidant behaviours as ethically sound.

For example:

a strong ethical framework -

“it is better not to have attachments than to maintain them. To be attached is to be deluded for in this life nothing is certain, all things end and being comfortable with this and effectively navigating this reality is the soundest way to live. I encourage autonomy and self sufficiency in myself and those i love (especially them ) as being comfortable in your own skin and being able to thrive by your own hands is necessary to thrive in this life. Encouraging another to be independent realize their own power and strength is the greatest gift one might offer somebody” - proceeds to detach from the impending attachment and recede into personal projects and busywork

Good point topcat, however as I described an ethical framework includes both what one must do and what one must not accept, in both cases regardless of feelings.

Arriving at the right framework is a very difficult journey, and to some extent it's unavoidable that it includes conclusions you have reached by repeated exposure to the practical results of a choice, rather than self-serving theories. For someone to develop they must be completely honest with themselves, as nothing can prevent the mind from deluding itself except consciously reaching for the truth even at emotional cost.

I have significant and roughly equal aspects of both avoidant and anxious (according to the quiz) - which in reality is not surprising as they are very much the same thing, both of them fear the pain of losing the attachment and work to avoid that pain in two different ways. In LTRs I can quite easily become too vulnerable emotionally if I am not careful, whereas outside of LTRs I have zero problem keeping everybody at arms length and spending virtually all my time alone. As is often the case, labels are things designed to make small differences appear large, or to separate two sides of the same thing. But I know both of these extremes are the same problem for me.

As far as ethical frameworks go, in my case, for example, I have found it necessary to consciously invest in my relationships with family members when I could easily label these relationships useless, to bring up and work through issues in my relationships that I could easily consider too trivial and annoying to deal with, and to be patient with the emotionality of other people that makes me grit my teeth so that I don't lose their trust. But I do it anyway, according to my framework, because I know that to do so greatly increases the functionality of the relationships - the same way that a mechanic might not feel like greasing a bearing but does it because he knows that it increases the functionality of the mechanism.

Honesty, patience and self-control aren’t typically things an avoidant would have problems with (or at least are wickedly able to convince themselves that this is the case) as they are more than willing to bare the brunt of these if it results in freedom, or indeed is the consequence for freedom.

I don't believe this is actually true. For example, emotionally abandoning a difficult problem is not the same thing as self control. Self control would be feeling all the pain of it and doing what you believed was right anyway. Honesty is not only about being disagreeable, and patience is not only the patience for being without that which you have escaped from, but also for being with that which you have chosen to keep.

 

[metalbird]

I think people's emotional responses to the mating process are a product of a whole stew of factors:

• Phase of relationship (Different models talked about on this site)
• Phase of life; age (Maturity, Wisdom, Experience, Brain Development)
• Previous experiences with the desired sex (Behavioral and Operant Conditioning)
• Childhood experiences / parental example (Early Life Experiences)
• Assortative Mating (The "true" one-up or one-down aspect)
• Current overall stress levels in the individuals life (highly variable)
• Current perception of abundance/scarcity in the individuals mating landscape (highly variable)
• Social Example / Peer Pressure (People want to be in relationships more if most of their friends and loved ones are, and want to be single more if most of their friends and loved ones are single)

There are obviously clear, evolutionary, biological basis for all of these aspects, and they all swirl together to create the fascinating experience that is largely the focus of the site. What we call "attachment style" is probably an umbrella term for the more static aspects of the list above, which is then situationally modified by the more transient factors.

To your comments, @Karea Ricardus D., I do think in todays social climate, people tend to overrepresent the relevance of the Assortative Mating factor in the equation.

I do think people exist on a spectrum of "security" and that highly secure individuals are much more resilient to the "passion trap". More secure individuals are more likely to form healthy, lasting, and satisfying relationships with other secure individuals. I suspect there is large overlap between the seduction community and less secure attachment styles, speaking for myself as well.

With regards to seduction, we are basically using learned tools to manipulate the recipe of the stew. From that, I think there are "black knight" seducers who operate from and tend to spread brokenness and pain, "white knight" seducers who prioritize "leave her better than you found her", and whole lot of grey area in between.

One more note: I think it's absolutely possible for two people in a relationship to recognize the value each brings to the other, and appreciate and honor that in a stable, equal way for a long time. I've seen it enough in my social circles to believe it.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

secure individuals don’t seek to have a large number of partners, or hop from partner to partner. Seek to control, nor be controlled.

"Sweet dreams are made of this... some of them want to use you... some of them want to be abused..."

I'd be very curious to find out if two people with secure attachment styles can fall in love and not feel this crazy imbalance in the first 6 months.

Further, I'm curious now if this maps over to BDSM fetishes (avoidant = dom, anxious = sub?).

Maybe a relationship of two secures could be an actual balance of give and take, without a submissive and a dominant partner (one-up/one-down passion trap dynamic)?

And vanilla sex with just one and the same person stays interesting for years and decades for them? I've heard of such mythical couples, always astounded me.

Almost all my relationships have ended because I became too avoidant. Once I got dumped by a girl who was more avoidant than me, and once I dumped a girl because she was more avoidant than me.

Regardless, if this theory holds, then ALL my relationships have failed because of insecure attachment styles. And if that's true, that would imply it's absolutely imperative to heal one's attachment style.

I'm still in the PUA life style in my 40s and it's okay. Not as much fun as it was in my 20s and early 30s, but doable. I'm friends with an excellent PUA in his 50s and I could see how it got harder and harder exponentially over time.

Because of course we still like the same kinds of girls - the hot ones. Not like a washed up 40 year old woman suddenly looks hot to us just cause we're her age.

I'd like to at some point in the next 5 years find a great LTR and quit the game... we all have a shelf life. I'm going to make attachment styles a priority, and will post about results when I can.

Someone whose opinion on such matters I respect highly shared this with me... visualizations to heal childhood traumas that broke attachment styles. I'll try those in an altered state:

John Bradshaws series on the Homecoming book (this is a whole playlist, not just this 1 video).

And the audiobook:

 

[TestY]

I'd like to at some point in the next 5 years find a great LTR and quit the game... we all have a shelf life. I'm going to make attachment styles a priority, and will post about results when I can.

Someone whose opinion on such matters I respect highly shared this with me... visualizations to heal childhood traumas that broke attachment styles. I'll try those in an altered state:

John Bradshaws series on the Homecoming book (this is a whole playlist, not just this 1 video).

And the audiobook:

Cool stuff. Macavity on the old RSD Nation forum went in a similar direction, and wrote a "Megapost" about it: Overcoming Your Emotional Issues -- Attain Emotional Health, Self-Esteem, Inner Game & Well-Being.

Some quotes from Macavity:

The idea is to take people from coping to thriving where their energy and time isn't wasted or taken up on trying to manage the symptoms of underlying issues. So that they are able to move forward without stress and with the appropriate skills and the abilities to deal with life and enjoy it properly.

Honestly, things like Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle and RSD (Tyler's teachings + Blueprint + Hotseat) only caused surface level and mid-level changes within me over the years. And I took a fuck ton of action too. That didn’t lead to the 'deep identity level' change that’s talked about. Maybe cus I had it more fucked up growing up than the average person (i.e. suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse, abandonment, lack of masculine figure etc.)

Most people (in self-development and RSD) only ever focus on 'empowering yourself' when the first one 'removing the bad' is the most important and will lead to the most changes if you are someone with a fucked up past

In simple terms -- all mental and emotional issues are simply by products of coping with underlying pain/stress and having impaired integration. --------- Also ones attachment style is one of the greatest indicators of general well-being and the type of intimate relationships one will experience later in life.

The good news is that through therapeutic practice, healthy relationships and meditation you can change your attachment style from an insecure one to a secure one. This is one of the most important things one could do for emotional health, self-esteem, happiness, intimate relationships and well-being

(5) Influences and Effects on Game In all honestly I think this is one of the most important things you could ever do for your game and intimate relationships, let alone happiness, health, stress reduction and everything else it effects. Especially of course if you are one of those who could benefit from this type of stuff. Due to some of my own biases, cultural beliefs about psychotherapy, the culture of RSD and the selfdevelopment community, when I first heard about this whole upbringing/childhood stuff I was like "Fuck no bitch! I don’t need any of that. Lone wolf. Independence. Ice gangster. Cold approach

(8) Books Understanding Childhood/Development/Self-Esteem/Emotional Health/Psychology:

Homecoming, Healing The Shame That Binds You & The Family by John Bradshaw [Bradshaw’s Videos Below]

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and How To Raise Your Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden Mindsight by Daniel Siegel

Would be cool to bring this into a relevant subsection of the forum.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

Great post, thanks for sharing TestY. I'll go down that rabbit hole.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

So I gave this whole topic some more thought... one reason why I thought the passion trap theory explains relationship dynamics better than attachment styles is this: the same person is avoidant in some relationships and anxious in other relationships. So it seems the attachment style depends on the relationship, not on the person.

That said, I realized that certain people still repeat the same patterns over and over. For example, my friend T. again and again finds himself in relationships where he's the one-up (avoidant) for the first 2 years or so. Then the dynamic flips and he gets anxious and turns one down in his relationships (and eventually loses the girl). My friend M. is always avoidant, from the beginning til the end of his LTRs.

With me, it's been the opposite. If I'm in abundance and/or don't spend much time with my girls, I stay calm, detached and one-up. If I'm in scarcity and/or spend too much time with a girl, I tend to get attached. If I perceive the girl isn't very attached yet, I tend to feel anxious. With time I've conquered them all (never fell in love alone), but then eventually I ended up getting avoidant and wanting my freedom back, so these LTRs failed too.

I always thought this is just 1. physiology of romantic love (the biochemical processes that make us feel infatuated, pairbonded etc. have a half life) and 2. passion trap dynamics. I'm now considering though that I'm repeating the same pattern again and again, and that this pattern is different from other friends of mine, such as M. and T.

Based on that I would conclude that ALL our relationships have indeed failed because of these repeating patterns of behavior... M.'s relationships all failed because he was avoidant, T.'s relationships all failed because he turned anxious after 2 years, and mine all failed because I turned avoidant after 6 months. Different patterns, but repeating.

This just to reiterate... I think there is no way around it. If we don't want to be a seducer in our 60s (which isn't feasible... not with hot girls in their 20s), we'll probably want a great and lasting LTR at some point. And to accomplish that, attachment styles need to be healed. I'll keep this thread going and post more as I find more.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I had another insight about this last night while doing some shamanic work in an altered state... I think attachment styles and passion traps might not even be directly correlated.

For example, with the girl I'm currently seeing, I've been experiencing some anxious attachment issues, but I realized I'm still the one-up overall in the relationship.

I set all the terms for the LTR, she's bending over backwards to please, we had a few breakups over LTR rules, always initiated by me with her chasing hard.

So it seems she's more invested in the relationship than I am, but has a more secure attachment styles. That would match the questionnaires about the two of us from the book as well.

Current theory in the works:

A person with a secure attachment style can be one up or one down and not worry about it.
A person with an avoidant attachment style can be one down, yet withdraw more
A person with an anxious attachment style can be one up, yet chase more.

Ultimately, are passion trap dynamics (who likes the other more) even relevant AT ALL for people with a secure attachment style? I'm starting to think they're not.

If you have kids, does it matter which if your children you like more? If you have a male buddy, does it matter if you like him more or he likes you more? What about family members, do you like your father more or does he like you more?

Is this stuff even relevant outside the context of attachment style issues?

I'm starting to rethink this whole thing in a major way.

 

[metalbird]

Really glad to hear your unfolding thoughts on the subject Ricardus. This kind of stuff is a lot to work through, so thanks for sharing.

 

[SunnyVibes]

Hey.
I’m here to share my two cents on this as someone who’s working on his attachment style.

I’m not an expert, I’m just detailing the stuff I did/am doing/will do and my view on this subject as it’s very important to me.
Most of these are my thoughts and reactions, though I’m sure more than a few people can relate.

I’m not talking about this from a seduction viewpoint on how to treat girls with different attachment styles, rather I’m talking about this from hopefully helping seducers fix their own attachment styles. I truly do believe it’s immensely difficult to love women without a secure attachment style. Some people want to get laid that’s cool. But for those who want to love women, this is somewhat a prerequisite.

I have different sorts of attachment styles to different people and have truly securely attached to someone for the first time in my life recently. Around 33% securely attached but yeah, that’s probably more than I’ve ever been with someone. Also, most people are a combination of different styles depending on the situation.

So to Karea, I thought I’d share how it feels to actually go through this. It boils down to what my subconscious mind interprets the the other person’s intentions to be. My attachment style with a person fluctuates based on how much I believe I can trust them to meet my emotional needs.


Most insecurely attached people suffer from trauma. Therefore generally they are emotionally dysfunctional(maybe not avoidants?) They cannot regulate their emotions.
Trauma isn’t a big life changing event, sometimes it’s the continuous small things that impacted you as a kid unfortunately.
In that moment, when push comes to shove, trauma rears its head and you may find it hard to regulate your thoughts or reactions. How you behave in that moment is very hard to control as it’s instinct you’re acting on. Different people have different triggers.

Also, I’m giving advice that I’ve constructed for myself, in order to deal with these. For others, I recommend a professionals help. So far I’ve used a podcast as well as modeling the behaviors of a securely attached person with a safe person to help me.


A)) Avoidant

My thoughts:
If I’m avoidantly attached with someone I’m confident that there is something wrong with them and that I can find a way to provide for myself the resources I need for myself.

My actions:
I am distant, and unavailable because I’m scared of opening up emotionally and being taken advantage of. This is because opening up is a signal for people who are entitled to feel pushy and drain me or conversely ignore me. Either way it hurts.

Solution:
1) Learn to open up emotionally while learning to maintain boundaries.
2)Consciously make an effort to trust that whenever the other person hurts you it’s not always on purpose.(Negativity bias)
3) It is safe to share.
4)Practice non-disassociative touch
5) Share genuine emotions in the moment, While sharing emotions, don’t make it an experiment like I’m going to share my emotions, if they don’t respond well that’s okay I’ve got myself. Instead open myself to the possibility of getting hurt. If they do hurt me dump their ass and find someone else and try again. Don’t take it personally. Accept the pain for once.

Explaination: An avoidant has incredibly strong boundaries that can cause them to feel weak if they emotionally open up. And if a trusted person hurts them it increases the mistrust towards others. Confirmation+ Negativity bias(this is for all insecurely attached people regardless).

B))
Anxious attachment

My thoughts:
When I’m anxiously preoccupied, my brain thinks I’m not good enough, they’re better than me. They will leave me.

My actions: Neediness

Solution:
1)Learn independence through periodic isolation.
2)Stop dating for a while.
3)Cut off ties with parents for a while and don’t seek their approval or opinions(IMP)
4)Learn to accept that becoming independent doesn’t mean that you’ll be loved less.
5) Start dating again and also come to view yourself as an equal to your partner, by seeking your own approval at times.
6)Trust that your partner likes you and select a partner who regularly returns your bid for connection.
7) Gain abundance. If someone in your family is getting an extra piece of chicken for dinner, don’t feel unloved and jealous and angry. There’s so much fucking chicken in the world. Go buy yourself some nice KFC after dinner using your allowance. Or safe enough money to buy some. You need to learn to care for yourself. Then you’ll eventually reach a point where you can think clearly and realize that a piece of chicken does not equal love.
I’d also suggest getting girl’s numbers and throwing them away. Seriously.
8) Stop comparing yourself to others and dwell in reality.
If you feel like comparing your life path with others, I suggest pondering what you desire from life. If you’re jealous or another person, realize their end goal is very different from yours. More often than not, you’ll realize that even though you want what they have, it’s not important enough to take you off your path. When you consciously make this decision, the pain reduces. You realize you have a choice and realize the power of agency. If you want to pursue a different path, that’s also up to you.
9) Body comparison. I’d suggest a good way would be to wear the tightest clothes you can even if you’re fat. Also, wear mismatched, unfashionable, bad clothing for a few months. See how many of them still treat you like a normal human being. Talk to others while you’re at it. At the same time, build the habit of physical exercise. Eat healthy, get a skincare routine. Focus on maximizing the parts of looks that are healthy for you, i.e, your fitness and skin while ignoring fashion, which is generally for showing off to other people.
Once you’re comfortable with everyone’s eye on you, come back to fashion when you choose to do so and take it slow.
10) Stop trying to be perfect. Accept your mistakes and don’t criticize yourself.

Reasoning:
The primal fear of an anxious is that self sufficiency will lead to being abandoned. That’s why anxiously attached people are clingy.
Generally this happened because the only time a person’s needs were met is when they had a problem. When they were doing okay, they weren’t given much emotional warmth.
Therefore, they subconsciously enact the process of needing someone’s approval, i.e, they are not truly self sufficient. By doing this, they never truly grow up and their partners are the automatic authority figures in the relationship.

C))
Disorganized.(fearful-avoidant).

My thoughts: I’m contacting you because I want you. But I feel I’m not good enough. I don’t trust you not to hurt me either.

Actions:I play games. Also I hide my emotions. I’m scared. I put up walls and am very distant. I may or may not have good boundaries. I want you but I do my best to push you away.

Overview:
Characteristics of both avoidant and anxious. It’s a bitch.
It acts out in different ways but imagine this.
Like an anxious person you’re constantly clingy. But like an avoidant you never tell your true feelings.
The overarching theme of this is fear. For a fearful avoidant, the responses they give are tied into the fight, flight, freeze or fawn system. Very regularly disassociate from their bodies.

Solution:
All the insecure attachment styles are caused by trauma, not large but smaller continuous incidents that don’t land so well on the child.
In my opinion,
1)Take a break from dating.
2) Pick up martial arts(maybe)
3)Go to a therapist and work on your flight, fight, freeze, fawn system while contemplating your triggers.
4) Take your therapists help to face your triggers while not disassociating from the body so that your somatic approach eventually changes.
5) As you have both avoidant and anxious tendencies, figure out which qualities you have of either one and do the specific things that needs to be done to overcome them.
6) Try not to be perfect.

I had/have all of these attachment styles in me and I’ll say one thing. You don’t know it but you’re operating out of a system that kept you safe as a child. Show compassion for yourself while healing, and don’t give up while you’re trying.

In context of dating.

Securely attached and avoidants have high self worth.
It’s good for them to date.

For anxious and disorganized who generally don’t have a good opinion about themselves, they can’t help but seek approval. Dating may not be the best thing until they either commit to start building their own self worth (which I just posted about today in my own personal thread).

Also, for insecurely attached people, my sincere advice after reading this site. You can technically use these tactics as a crutch without ever improving your mental health. So while you do know how to overcome certain situations, your emotions are a mess and if you ever forget a tactic you’re fucked. Work on emotional vulnerability first. When you can begin to use these tactics not out of a fear of losing another person, but because they make the relationship strong, or because of some healthy reason, then come back to using them. Until then emotional resilience is something you should maybe learn.

But don’t focus on eliciting values and showing only that part of yourself to your date which appeals to them, and then slowly reveal the rest of yourself to them over time. It may not work for you. Rather, moderate the depth of what you share, but share every part of you with genuine intentions in mind. Not to get pity or sympathy or even to push someone away. But to connect. It’ll heal you. Technically avoidants may be fine without this advice. But this entire post is just my opinion.
And extra advice for avoidants. Stop paying attention to how much you invest in another person for a while. Investment is a big thing and it’s true that being over invested is bad, but for me the most helpful thing was when I stopped paying attention to being overly rigid on investing. For the other two, the opposite advice.

Also hookups may not be for the insecurely attached. Date a lot of people. But generally not for the experience of getting laid, but for the experience to reveal your full self to a potential partner, get rejected a lot, yet still trust again. Do this with friends too.

Perhaps focus on the niches you’re already good at and find a home base. Connect with people there and work on your attachment style.
Then, ponder whether your ideal partner has a lifestyle you like.
If they do, adopt a few hobbies and slowly develop that side to you to reasonable proficiency. Only when you feel totally comfortable about your “in-ness” in that lifestyle should you focus on dating those people in that lifestyle.

The reason why therapy works is in part because there’s a “teacher”, but also because you’re experiencing what a secure attachment feels like, so that you can hopefully model a lot of the behaviors you will display with your therapist (the good ones as well as the tolerable bad) later on with people.

Feelings play a big role. Too big to cover here, but all insecure attachment styles have a way of protecting the self from excessive feelings as the person is not fully capable of regulating emotions. Different people have different ways. Those defenses need to be analyzed and slowly let go of(not fully because they’re there for a reason) but enough to learn how to regulate emotions healthily.

Finally, become someone who another person can securely attach to.
I’m attaching a small pdf document that shows the behaviors of someone who’s securely attached.
I don’t know if it’ll be taken down or not, but hopefully not.

https://traumasolutions.com/wp-content/uploads/10-skills-for-building-healthy-relationships.pdf

Also the YouTube channel:
Forrest Hanson, Being Well Podcast.

Hope this helps people.

Have a great week.

Warmly,
SunnyVibes