Attraction Expired over summer fix?

[tomascs]

Hey all! Thanks in advance for any help

I was essentially dating this girl when the school semester ended. I was non-committal but she was asking me to define the relationship and I think we both kind of knew where things were going. Summer began and we parted. The first week she texted a lot and I was scarce because I wanted to leave her wanting more.

By week 2 she stopped reaching out. Over the next couple months, I reached out every 1-3 weeks. Sometimes she didn't respond at all. Occasionally we'd have a slightly longer conversation. Each time I tried to setup a meetup when the school semester was going to start, she deflected or didn't respond.

School semester is about to start now. We're both in town. Since she was so unresponsive I stopped reaching out for about 3 weeks. Several days ago she commented on my snapchat story. This was the first time she reached out in ages. I sent a terse response--not wanting to invest too much. A few days later I send her a snapchat and she responds and we have a short conversation leading to this:

**banter**
me: "ok perhaps, but not as foolish as you'd have to be to decline an invitation to see my new place"
her: "oh? you have a new place?"
me: "yep" (no shit, i just said that)
**up until now, the conversation has been progressing with response times around 10-30 minutes apart**
**she then leaves that last message unopened from 7pm to noon the next day**
her: "how exciting"
**At this point, it's clear to me that she's deflecting again. I don't understand why she's so unwilling to meet with me! I predict its because she doesn't know where "things are" with us and is nervous about how the interaction will go. Or she's dating someone else? Idk...
me: "Orientation starts pretty soon, keeping me busy dawn till dusk I think a quick walk to Jamba or something would be pleasant while we do some catching up. I feel like you're nervous to see me or something but I just wanna say hi and hear about ur summer. Today's the last day I'm flexible with timing cause I'm just doing resume stuff, so let me know when ur free. Should only be like 15-20 minutes then we go our own ways."
**the idea for the above text was to lower the commitment to hopefully make it easier for her to say yes
Her: "Maybe wanna catch up at Strada? (local coffee place) I'm usually am there most afternoons reading haha"
Me: "Sounds good to me, When should I swing by?"
**I responded about 30 minutes after her, and she doesn't open it for 2 hours. I double text her:
Me: "Change of plans I'm just gonna go there now and bring work to do. Lmk when you get there"
**perhaps unsurprisingly to the astute reader, she never shows and I leave around 6:30 and I notice she has opened the text at 7:00ish. She did not respond.

I am so confused. She was so into me before the summer, and now she's so cold! If someone can let me know what to do next that would be great. The only thing I see to do is to give up but I'd prefer not to because she was wifey material. And don't worry, I have been seeing other girls so I'm not super hung up on her but obviously I don't want to give up if there is still something salvageable here.

Thanks again for reading this far and I appreciate any suggestions that you might have!

 

[JacobPalmer]

So many issues here my man.

1. She wanted you to define the relationship, but it doesn't sound like you actually did. You just kind of went with the flow and left her hanging. You were scarce when she initially texted you (actually scarce or playing games?) so those two things combined she probably went into auto rejection. Honestly I would too. And you can see this when she stopped reaching out.
2. your snapchat text exchange.......she's not investing at all, and your texts to her come across as both a little butthurt with the first line.
3. The line saying you just want to catch up seems too passive to me, with stuff like "just want to say hi" and "I feel like you're nervous to see me or something." And it feels very much like you're trying to sell her, which isn't a good position to be in, especially the part about "should be only 15-20 minutes and then we go our own ways." It comes across like your time isn't valuable, but also that you don't really care for her at all. If a girl texted me that I'd be on the fence about it at best.
4. This is a tough point, but I think you misread her Strada date. She said she was there most afternoons, BUT she doesn't say that she's actually going to be there this afternoon. I would have asked if she's there this afternoon for clarification. A bit rude of her to not clarify, but sometimes that's girls.

All in all, it looks like she's in harsh auto rejection from you being so cold and aloof with her once summer started.

And don't worry, I have been seeing other girls so I'm not super hung up on her but obviously I don't want to give up if there is still something salvageable here.

This sums it up for me. It really seems like you have one foot in the pool and one foot out. It's just too passive. Like, you should care for her, and it just seems like you're not that into her, or rather you don't want to jump in with both feet.

So, to salvage this.

Personally, I think the right move is to be super warm with her, but also to find out why she isn't investing that much. So send her something like.

"Hey XXX. I've been thinking lately, and I feel like I've acted a little cold/aloof with you for a while. I'm really sorry for that. That's not how I should have treated you, especially after feeling a strong connection with you before summer started.... If things have fizzled because of that, then that's on me, I take full responsibility."

I'd just leave it at that and see if she responds and then build investment from her slowly. Don't push for a meetup (unless the convo goes really well and she invests lots). But you have to be warm with her. This is a bit of a hail mary but I think it's your best bet based on everything I've read.

 

[tomascs]

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I only want to get better so I appreciate the bluntness

To address some of your comments:

1) I was actually scarce because I was traveling and had poor reception
2) for the "summing it up part" I thought that it was really important to avoid a scarcity mindset? Your comment about me being half in and half out is confusing to me because I thought we should always have multiple options open.

All in all, I agree with your assessment and will learn from it in the future. I responded with your message almost verbatim today around 3:

"Hey Annie. I've been thinking lately, and I feel l've acted a little distant with you over the summer. I'm really sorry for that That's not how I should have treated you, especially after feeling a strong connection with out before summer started... If things have fizzled because of that, then that's on me, I take full responsibility and hope there are no hard feelings."

She opened it and did not respond. So I'm done messaging her, but If I see her walking around how do I act around her? That's the last question I have. Thank you so much!!

 

[JacobPalmer]

Yeah don't text her anymore, that's actually rude to not respond. If you see her in person just be friendly and say hi, maybe chat a bit, but end the conversation yourself.

What I mean by half in half out - it's not to do with abundance mentality, it's that you were half in/out WITH HER. Like you didn't know what you wanted or that you didn't make her feel desired enough.