Beginners problems. Can You relate?

[Thomas123]

Hi everyone!

I'm new to the forum, this is my first post and I recently discovered girls chase website.

The text below I writed for myself but after doing so, I realized that it would be nice to register and put it on this forum.
I just turned 26 years old,I started my journey with pickup around 2 years ago but had more than a year of a break from that after I moved to the london. It was really hard time. Depression, desperation, problems with drugs and alcohol, crippling social anxiety and panic attacs, almost ending up homeless.
That's long story short.

Here is my post about the problem I'm noticing within myself after a little introspection. I'm not really analythical person so that took a lot of effort to write it down, I really often make decisions that i don't understand and rationalize after. If You can relate to some of problems I wrote about let me know, also let me know what you think about my may of thinking, do you think it make sense? would you add something? do you think I'm idiot? I'm open for all sort of constructive critisism. Also sorry for my english beforehand.

So here we go:

My main problem is that I'm in really bad mood most of the time. I think it is because i have no control over my life. I have negative thoughts because:
1) I'm addicted to them, this is my habit. I need to take 30 days of positive thinking, cutting down all the negative thoughts, keeping to my promises, writing down the routines and doing it every day, it must be my number 1 thing, I have to be completely focused on that. Establish a clean diet and training program.
2) I have no control over my life, I feel that life has control over me, it has a tremendous impact on my self esteem.


Next problem is as I said my low self esteem, because of that I have a terrible eye contact, mimics, voice tonality and body language. Low self esteem is coming from not keeping to my promises and not having a control over my life, discipline is number one thing in that case. But to have discipline I have to have a motivation, it has to come from within which bring me to the point of whether I really want it or not. Do I want to change? Do I have strong WHY? Do I have a vision? I must to have a strong why, otherwise every time things will become little bit harder, I will surrender. There must be no other way than to change that miserable existence. Visualisation will help me with that. I will visualize my best self, how i walk, look, speak, think, interact with people...
With better self esteem, things like voice, mimics and eye contact will improve as that things are coming from within but apart from that, I have to conciously practise them to make them as sharp as possible.


Next problem is My english as I often feel embarassed and stupid when I cannot keep up with the conversation, especially when there is more than one person i talk to. I have to take classes. It is a MUST!!! The main thing why I have troubles with expressing myself thought is my crippling nervousness, which makes it impossible for me to get into flow state. I need to meditate, practise consious relaxation, deep breathing, it's really hard thought. Nervousness is number one thing which causes me the biggest problems equally with men and women, makes decision making very, both energy and time consuming.

I'm also all over the place generally in life. I was never disciplined and always hated routines and having planned everything but as I'm starting to realize more and more, focus and discipline are the things which are necessary for succes on any field. I was really rarely 100% focused on anything in my life, and those times I remember I was, I got the shit done I was feeling like a god after.


Those are the biggest problems I need to focus right now. I will set up the time frame for them which will be 30 days. After that time I will asses my progress in every aspect I wrote above and I will keep improving.

 

[readjusting]

Yeah man, I used to have video game addiction, and got rid of it.
But one thing.
Getting rid of negative thought is good.
Getting rid of addiction is good.
But they don't matter very much.

What do you want IN PLACE OF it?
- Lots and lots of girls?
Then meet a lot of girls.
- Lots and lots of money?
Then find businesses
- An amazing girlfriend?
Then chasing down an amazing girl when you see her.
Etc. etc. etc.
This is more important than getting rid of addiction.

By the way, I don't think being stupid matters much. I play stupid in my social circle all the time, people seems to like it.
They like a "likable idiot" more than a "know-it-all intellectual."

Discipline actually isn't important as people think. Probably you think discipline is being on 100% of the time.
It's not necessary.
Being on 10%, 20% is more than enough to get what you want in the long run.

 

[Thomas123]

Thanks for Your response!

Yes I didn't mention that I have a vision of myself (women,money... all included) and getting rid of negative, depressing thoughts, beating myself down, self sabotage... are the first steps on my journey.
I don't think about myself as stupid, quite the contrary. However it is true that I do often make stupid decisions when I'm under the influence of emotions.

When it comes to discipline, yes I think it's very important in MY case. Previously I was all over the place, I was trying to achieve dozens of different goals and it didn't work out. I don't think discipline is 100% on all the time, I think that when You are doing something, most beneficial is to focus all your force to do what you want to do and then take time off. Rather than never really work nor rest not have fun. I did it in the past and it turned out to be a terrible idea.

Do You agree?

Take care

 

[Drck]

I wish there were simple answer, such as somebody hypnotizes you, or tries NLP on you, and you wake up second day as a different person. But most likely that won't happen. So couple points, the best is to focus on the issue on multiple levels:

* Realize that anxiety is not that unusual, there are many people suffering anxiety and/or depression

* Realize that many people try to fix their anxiety/depression issue on their own, usually by alcohol or drugs, or both. They feel anxious, so they drink, which calms them down. They feel depressed so they take some drugs, and they feel high... Next thing you know they are addicted and they can't stop...

* Educate yourself. You can't solve problem if you don't understand it. Read books about depression and anxiety, read books about drug addition if that's the issue

* Systematic desensitization, which basically means (in your case) that you are being exposed to more and more people. One week you talk to one person only. Second week you talk to two people at the same time. Third week you talk to three people and so forth, till you get more comfortable around people

* Sudden exposure, simply make it or break it. Take public speaking class, stand up in front of a crowd of strangers and talk for couple of minutes. You'll be anxious most likely, but who cares? That is why you are doing it...

* Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Get a book, look it up; somehow modern approach to problems you are describing

* Meditation, relaxation. The more the better. Meditate in your room when nobody sees you. Once you are comfortable, meditate and relax around family members and friends (you can simply sit in the chair with half open eyes, relax, let go,...). Once you are comfortable, meditate in the crowd - in the mall, on the street while you are walking...

* Autosuggestion (repeating the same positive sentences over and over till they become reality): "Each day I feel more and more relax around people"; "I am comfortable around girls",... Look it up, powerful stuff

* Try that NLP, see if it works. Look it up

* Discuss it with people who are close to you, who you can trust. Sometimes simple talking about issues helps a lot.

* Alternatively, discuss it with professionals, e.g. psychologist. Perhaps consider some medication, even temporally. I know, I know, no man would ever do that, they will rather suffer 20 more years in heavy depression, anxiety and panic attacks than take some medication for 6 months. Whatever dudes, as long as your logic makes perfect sense to you...

* Lift weight. Lift heavy weight, get rid of that nervous energy by lifting. If you are tired enough you just can't be that anxious. Don't try to supress the energy, use it for creating something good...


... Simply try different combinations of the above, it might take time but it is doable...

 

[Michal]

Hello Thomas,

Ok this got longer than expected, anyways...

From couple of your sentences I deduce you watched a lot of motivational videos, one in particular from or featuring Eric Thomas. Basically his speech about "the WHY".

The reason why you can't do it is because you don't have that right motive, that thing that pushes you to action... What's Your Why? ....... somebody came up to me and said:
"E.T. man I am tired. I've put in the work and I am not seeing the results. I did what you told me to do, I've read the book you told me to read, I've put in the hours. E.. I am doin' it and I am not seeing anything - listen to me closely." ... Why do you do what you do, that's so important. ... And whatever it is, sports, life, business... whatever it is.. health.. listen to me closely, you gotta change that mindset...
Even in your action... while your action is good, you gotta ask what drives it.. what guides it... what moves it, what's the spirit behind it. What's the reason behind it. What's the purpose behind it

For those not understanding: https://youtu.be/CMm6tDavSXg

I will chip in with one advice simply because I have not seen it mentioned in your posts. Granted I started to type this in the morning and I think Drck mentioned it. I dont know the cost of this in London but I think it would help you trendemously. And that is:

Work out

Nowadays, I think majority of young people works out, some regularly, some occasionaly but here's the thing about working out. It teaches you a lot and provides lots of benefits. Yes it has requirements, but in all honesty, that is the cost for the benefits.
The advantage is if you never worked out regularly, you will have the newbie gains on your side. It still takes a lot of time to build muscle, but depending on how well you stimulate your muscles, how good is your nutrition and rest (mostly sleep), you can gain a lot in couple of months. I gained like 4 Kgs (8.8 lbs) first two months and like 9Kgs (19.8 lbs) in first 8 months. Granted about 30% of that was fat. But I was skinny so it does not matter. The cool thing about this is that it shows you that your actions have an impact and produce results IF you do things right.
It shows you that you have certain control over your body.
It makes you feel better because you get stronger.
It helps with the mood on the regular basis if you dont destroy yourself so much that you pass out.
If you stick to it, it will teach you the discipline. People misunderstand this. You dont need discipline to do things regularly, periodically and stick to them even if you dont feel like it. You need to do things regularly and stick to doing them to build the habits and these make you disciplined.

Also, about motivation.. you dont need motivation. It is fleeting. You just need to decide and stick to that decision. Its like that saying "winners never quit. Quitters never win". If you cannot hold yourself to live up to your own word, then it will be tough. Your life will not change unless you do something you dont normally do. You need to face some adversity. And if you overcome that, you will be much stronger. Who seems better a person who is always happy or the person who had depressions, overcame them and now he is happy?

One last thing. I guess I know where you are coming from because after I got out of depressions, I had no idea what to do. And why would I even do those things. People are like "I wanna go to Paris, skydive, play guitar". There is no point to doing these things in macro scale of things. Other than the micro scale which is usually just "feel". Or "live".

Overall. I think you need to immerse yourself in something that fulfills you and find your real purpose. That might be something you are missing. I always wanted to help people and have a positive impact on their life. And that can be done in many ways. Second thing, I like to create things, so in my life I drew, sculpted, made animations, coded applications, created music, videos, movie trailers. I never got anywhere remarkable with that but I believe everyone has a certain calling. So just go after the thing that was always calling to you.

 

[Lucky]

First off you said you had depression, anxiety and shit I recommend you read Tucker Max hope they serve Beer in hell not only funny as hell but full of life lessons...
As for that no control over your life stuff that's just mental bullshit you have control just go out and do shit now from personal experience. I know how hard this is but just push yourself in other words talk to everyone you see just to get better a better social outlook cause that's literally all it takes. As for nervousness I suggest pushing yourself into a situation where you have to confront whatever your nervous of. Like I used to suck at doing speeches so I pushed my self into one I had absolutely no plan and one hell of a boring script to follow. And that's when I had a crazed movie moment I just went fuck it and went crazy I screamed about topic that didn't even matter I talked about the Triads, how I would rip off someone's business and how drugs were effecting the world I got an A for that speech. So no matter what you can do shit cause the only thing that holds people back is their mentality so forget that not in control stuff and do something it can be anything hit on a chick, talk to a old man down the street anything except what your trying to get rid of.
PS: Excuse grammar