Socializing Being nonchalant

[seanmagy]

Hi guys. I have a question about being nonchalant when you are talking to women or in a relationship.

So being nonchalant is having that air that nothing can affect you right.. How can one keep that balance whilst conveying interest and assertiveness towards his lady in a relationship? I seem to struggle in that department. Sometimes I see myself spending 2 days without even texting my lady, if she doesn't text I don't usually reach out to her.

Any insights would be surely helpful.

 

[TwoNameGame]

Paretto principle. 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort.

Basically, focus on the 10 main things that matter. Then bring that down to 5. Maybe 3 after that. Ignore the other 80% and be nonchalant, but put care into the important things.

For example; most of a normal conversation with a woman isn't very important, so be laid back when discussing weather, the location, or her day. Kissing and deep diving matter. So look interested when you kiss her as women like being good kissers, and look invested when you deep dive successfully.

Now, you try. What are the 10 important things about texing her? What about 5? Is the greeting important? Is it showing that you remember the little things in a personal conversation you last had with her?

 

[Will_V]

Hi guys. I have a question about being nonchalant when you are talking to women or in a relationship.

So being nonchalant is having that air that nothing can affect you right.. How can one keep that balance whilst conveying interest and assertiveness towards his lady in a relationship? I seem to struggle in that department. Sometimes I see myself spending 2 days without even texting my lady, if she doesn't text I don't usually reach out to her.

Any insights would be surely helpful.

There's a big difference between nonchalance and being uncaring, the same way that there's a big difference between outcome independence and apathy.

The way I think about it, 'good' nonchalance or outcome independence is the frame of being satisfied with yourself regardless of the outcome, and for that reason not being anxious about it and not straying off your course. It does not mean having no emotions involved, or that you are unaffected by it, but it does mean that your core and your identity, and ultimately your frame, is not shaken or confused as a result of anything she does.

That's why you can really, truly desire a woman, and show it to her, as long as she knows that you will continue to treat her in perfect conformity with your own internal frame, regardless of those feelings.

In my experience, women are fascinated by men who can express emotions, even negative ones such as anger or sadness, in response to her, without moving an inch from his position. The sort of 'bad boys' women are drawn to, and which are portrayed in books and movies that women voraciously consume, are typically far from unemotional, they will often express genuine emotions of desire, love, hurt, pain, or anger, sometimes much more so than the other men she's known, but they will not (like nice guys) dissolve into a puddle and start supplicating to her as a result of that. She sees all the things he feels, but she does not have any real grasp on him as a result, he continues to move inexorably along his own path - leaving her, fucking other women, going after whatever is important to him, etc - and that is the ultimate brain-fry for her.

In my relationships, I always show a lot of appreciation, kindness, warmth, positivity etc toward her, but I do not pine after her (that's why I prefer to have her texting me a lot more than I do her) or do anything really to pursue her validation. The frame is 'when you're with me I'll show you everything, if you want to go I won't take one step to chase you'. It is she who decides to step into the circle of my validation, not the other way around.

As far as assertiveness, I've never truly understood the reason why assertiveness seems to be seen as incompatible with tenderness or niceness in general. For me, they come from the same source, when I love a woman I always want to assert myself, have her following my lead, and enjoy dominating her reality. I like to fuck my woman hard and then cuddle her and run my fingers through her hair. It's just the way I express myself.

I think this is actually somewhat the same problem as the desire/neediness paradox. It's really a false dichotomy because of the way guys train themselves to behave in response to their own emotions. There is a prebuilt link between things like desire/want and really negative stuff like neediness or anxiety, and so when you pull the first one out you end up getting a whole bunch of stuff you don't want to show or feel, so they feel like they have to be completely stoic just to survive the onslaught of their own feelings. But it doesn't have to be that way.

 

[ChrisXKiss]

In my relationships, I always show a lot of appreciation, kindness, warmth, positivity etc toward her, but I do not pine after her (that's why I prefer to have her texting me a lot more than I do her) or do anything really to pursue her validation. The frame is 'when you're with me I'll show you everything, if you want to go I won't take one step to chase you'. It is she who decides to step into the circle of my validation, not the other way around.

Just one question about this. At which point do you start texting her way less than she does you? In my experience at least in the beginning waiting for her to invest and initiate contact doesn’t work that well.

But I love this whole approach you are describing, it’s close to my ideal.

 

[topcat]

Just one question about this. At which point do you start texting her way less than she does you? In my experience at least in the beginning waiting for her to invest and initiate contact doesn’t work that well.

But I love this whole approach you are describing, it’s close to my ideal.

see here

 

[ChrisXKiss]

see here

Thanks, always interesting to read that article ! It's even mentioned in the comment that you can start using it after the first date, but I assume for the whole thing to work fully she has to be converted first ( 2-3 times of sex ).

Just saying so that I don't go totally silent after the approach or the first time of sex, and expect her to reach back herself.

Because at least very early, I have felt they are not really committed to you two as a thing, so if you are not a bit proactive they autoreject easily.

 

[Will_V]

Just one question about this. At which point do you start texting her way less than she does you? In my experience at least in the beginning waiting for her to invest and initiate contact doesn’t work that well.

But I love this whole approach you are describing, it’s close to my ideal.

At the start you typically want to be texting mainly for logistics, setting up the date. She's already sold on meeting you from the approach. I think some guys have a slightly different angle where they can move things forward to the date while doing a fair bit of texting, but personally I've never been someone who spends any real amount of time texting or chatting on text at all, and I keep it to a minimum. But still, I'll often be initiating text the first couple of times we meet, that's just the way it is.

In LTRs, the way I see it, texting is her no.1 way to make you invest in a non-sexual way. When you're together, you can always pick her up and take her to bed, or at least start kissing and touching. There's always that possibility in the air. But when you're apart, texting signifies (imo) the desire for nonsexual attention and validation. She'll text you randomly just wanting to see how much you're 'into' her and how quickly she can distract your attention. It's not coming from a negative place, women are just needy like that.

For that reason, in an LTR, I usually consciously reply a fair bit slower than her, with a fair bit less investment than her, but when we meet I'm really present and giving her plenty of attention. It gives a bit of ying and yang to the relationship, and she's much more amenable and behaving better when we do meet up. She'll poke and prod by saying things like 'I feel like I'm always texting you, I'd love it if you would initiate sometimes, tell me how much you miss me' etc but I just acknowledge and deflect like 'yeah I know I'm just not really good at texting' and then I grab her and kiss her and make sure the sex is great.

She always needs to have some space to miss you and wonder what you're up to and how much you're into her relative to how much she's into you, and texting imo is the most obvious opportunity to manage that dynamic.