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- Jan 24, 2021
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That's a good question. I would say that a lot of it has to do with exposure to things and finding what clicks with you, and resonating with it and incorporating it into your worldview and expressing it outward.
Especially when we are young, it's hard to know exactly who we are. But that's why we've got to do a lot of things, expose ourselves to different experiences and situations, pushing our limits. The advantages of being young are having exceptional energy and resilience, which we spend on creating experiences that shape and transform us, until we become who we end up being.
A great way to do this is to choose some role models. Who do you want to be more like? Listen to them, watch them, see what it is about them that is compelling to you. Then try to become that. Test yourself in situations that they have shown you a compelling response to, and see if it works.
It is a complete myth that men are born a certain way or grow up to be this or that by their own nature. Every man operates with role models, it's the way of nature, we learn by having examples to watch and emulate. Some of us are lucky enough to have good role models right off the bat, some of us not so much, but we can always choose, especially as we grow up. As Alexander the Great said of his teacher Aristotle "I am indebted to my father for living, but to my teacher for living well." My father is an exceptional guy in many regards, and is my main influence. But if I didn't have him, I would have sought out someone else. And there are some things that I improve upon, having learned from others who excelled in a specific area.
I read a lot as a kid into my teens, science fiction, classical fiction, and history especially (another great influence from both my parents) and it gave me a sense of myself as a person, the confidence to think at a high level, to take in a lot of ideas, discard this and incorporate that, and build my identity.
But there is one thing that can never be replaced throughout the life of every man, and that is difficult experiences. The experiences of succeeding against the odds, and recovering from the depths of despair and failure. The experience of finding himself in new situations, at any level of advantage or disadvantage, and, like an arm wrestler, slowly and relentlessly working his way toward a position of control and dominance as his competence grows.
It doesn't matter how bad you think life can become, it will become that way again, and worse, some time in the future. Maybe in a different way, but no less painful. Your job as a man is to be ready for it, by taking every opportunity to grow and develop and build strength, cunning, and will. You do this by taking on challenges that are difficult. For example a couple of weeks ago, I needed a little extra spark, so I decided to do 1000 pushups and 1000 situps in a week. 6 days in I'd done well over that number. I try different ways of marketing my business, or communicating with people, or I find some situation that makes me uncomfortable, I strategize a way to dominate it, and I put myself in it. That's how I began approaching girls.
Over time, I simply grow, physically, psychologically and spiritually, even if I fail at things (which inevitably happens). Failure is an opportunity, success is an opportunity, the only non-opportunity is doing absolutely nothing. Especially as a young man, your life must be filled with constant action and novel situations, and the humility to understand that you will fail and that's just part of the process of adaptation and growth. You will heal from anything, as long as you do not stop pressing forward. A failure is bitter, but a success after a failure is doubly as sweet, it creates something in a man that cannot be described.
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You might think this doesn't have a lot to do with self expression, but I say it all because in my experience, there is no quicker way for a man to lose his identity than when he is not going anywhere, and no faster way to build it than by taking any kind of action, processing the results as clearly as he can, and repeating. No man who is constantly taking action is wondering who he is - it does not matter, his actions create him. His actions signal his presence, make people pay attention to him. He simply is.
As you take action, seek to embody more and more the things that work, and disassociate yourself from the things that don't. The strongest identity is built up of formulas for taking actions that result in success. You just have to go out there, take action and watch the results, pay attention to successful people, read books to expand your world view, and soon all the functional ideas, the ones that make you successful, will become embedded in you, until you can't tell yourself apart from them. Your personality in some ways is given, but your identity must be built. That is how nature has decided that men must be.
